Disappointment

Jim walked quietly into their house and started to pull off his jacket, hanging it on the coat rack that soon enough would be laden with their winter coats.  It felt like maybe, it should have been laden with those winter coats already - with as chilly as it was this evening.

Chilly on the drive home.  Chillier yet now.

He followed a few paces behind her, noticing that she didn't bother taking her jacket off.  She kicked her shoes off though. Really kicked them off.  He watched as her pumps went skittering across the wood floor, listening to their subsequent crash into the wall. They made a deafening sort of sound atop all the silence.

Barefoot and quiet again, she padded into the living room. He knew Pam well enough to know that if he was the going to be the one to break the silence, it had better be with something good. He hadn't been able to come up with anything "good" on the drive home.

Jim stood on the threshold of the living room, rubbing the back of his neck and unable to think of anything good.  Truth - without any excuses - was probably the best he could muster tonight.

"Wallace," Jim started. "He called and said the company couldn't afford any cost of living raises this year...and then he said that each branch would get a small amount to figure out what to do with...it just...after going round after round with Michael it just seemed like the best way."

She didn't look at him.  She just kept staring at the blank television screen in front of her. Her arms crossed over her chest and her foot shaking back and forth in that really vigorous way that it did when she was good and truly pissed.   

When she did speak, she didn't look at him. "Boston Baked Beans seemed like the best way?"

Without thinking, his reply was sharp, "Yes. Pam.  After going around in circles with Michael for the better part of the morning, Boston baked beans seemed like the best idea."

She shook her head slowly but still not one bit of eye contact. "You couldn't have just sat on it?  The decision had to be today?"

"Pam nobody wants to wait on a raise!"

"Oh, excuse me!" She snapped, finally turning towards him. "By the looks of things some of us were going to be waiting for a long time!"

"I," Jim started and stopped, licking his lips.  "Ok, listen. There's no way for me to talk to you about this right now if you're going to be like -

Pam stood up then, her mouth hanging open for a moment. "Like what! What am I being like? Am I being irrational, Jim! That's what you wanted to say isn't it? Oh...poor, irrational, pregnant, Pam.  I'm not being irrational - there was not one single bean on my face!"

"That's not -

"I mean God, who do I have to sleep with to get a raise? Apparently it's not you."

"Oh come -..." Jim swallowed what he'd been about to say.

"What? You have something you need to say?"

"Nope," Jim said throwing up his hands in feigned nonchalance. "Ok. You want me to say ok...Ok - fine. I screwed up. Ok. I'm the new office jackass.  Ok, great. Thank you...That's exactly what I wanted to hear from you today....Ok, Pam."

"Don't say ‘ok' like that. I hate it when you say ‘ok' like that...You can be so amazingly patronizing sometimes!"

"Ok!" Jim spat.

Pam brushed past him violently and set out for the stairs.  She pounded her way up each one and placed an exclamation point on the sentence with a house-rocking slam of their bedroom door.

Jim walked into the living room and sat where she'd been sitting.  He put his head in his hands. 

What. The. Hell? 

How had the day turned into this? This was the absolute last thing he wanted to be doing right now.  All day long his one happy thought had been that they were getting married next week and that tonight they were going to go through every detail and make sure there weren't any last minute things they needed to do before they said...I do.

This wasn't the way this was supposed to go.  They certainly weren't supposed to end the day this pissed at one another.  Although he wasn't quite sure ‘pissed' was what he was feeling right then.  This was something else.  He couldn't actually remember ever having felt this way.  Wait...

That wasn't true. The first time he'd felt this way the emotion had crept up on him in this very room.  Back then it had been carpeted red and his cheeks had been almost the same hue.  It was the fifth grade and Darren Stevens had dared him to steal the teacher's manual.  Darren's older brother was good friends with Tom and Pete, so how could he not?  No one had to speak the silent undertone of the challenge aloud.  If he could do this, he would be a legend. He'd earn some respect.

Respect from his brothers, and that annoying Darren Stevens would finally shut his stupid mouth.

When Mrs. Dorsey yanked the teacher's manual out of his desk and tossed it on top, the entire class had gasped.  Of course there'd been a few snickers (from Stevens that S.O.B) and the ever popular, "oooooh."

God, his face flooded even now remembering the walk home.  Remembering his mother's face.  He knew she'd already received a call.

She'd sat right here. On a different couch, in the same room and hadn't even looked at him. 

It struck him as weird that memory should come back now, when he hadn't thought of it in years.  Maybe this was the closest he'd felt to that same emotion...embarrassed...scared...

With a long sigh, Jim glanced up at the ceiling.  It wasn't Pam's fault he was embarrassed or scared.  Embarrassed that he wasn't able to do a better job than Michael.  He knew going in that the job wouldn't be easy...but somewhere in the back of his mind - let's be honest - it had to be easier than it looked.

It wasn't Pam's fault that the job wasn't easy.

Jim got up and walked towards the staircase.  Quietly he pushed their door open.

She was sitting on the edge of her side of the bed, crying. 

The first time she'd ever cried after a fight of there's, he'd contemplated going out to the garage to hang himself.  When she'd assured him there was no need for drastic measures (that was just how she reacted when she was too frustrated to get the right words out) he'd decided to let himself live.  Now though it was like seeing it again for the first time.  Maybe the sharpness was because she was pregnant or maybe because she just looked so...disappointed in him tonight.

Disappointed.

And there it was.

Embarrassed at work - he could handle that.  He'd been embarrassed in life a time or two, that wasn't the problem.  Scared - he'd been scared too.  That wasn't it either really.

Disappointment was the best word - it was the worst word.

Disappointment was what weighed him down even as he climbed slowly atop the bed and crawled over to sit behind her. 

He was still for a moment before placing a kiss against her shoulder blade and then dropping his head to her shoulder.   He left it there as he talked.

"I'm sorry about the stupid beans," he whispered.  "I'm just...I'm not very good at this yet.  I told Michael today that he's no good at making big decisions and that's why I was there...and even as I was saying it I felt like such a poser...I mean, nine times out of ten I have the exact same problem...But then later I started to think - wait a minute...wait a minute.  There are certain decisions - that I don't have any trouble making.  That I would do again and again every minute of my life if I had to...All day I felt this crazy sort of tug of war...I felt like my brain was gonna explode any minute."

Pam sniffled and dabbed at her eyes.  Big decisions like telling her he loved her.  Big decisions like proposing in the middle of a rain storm.  Big decisions like buying them a house to call their own.  Big decisions like asking Michael to recommend him for a branch manager position when they both knew that was really the last thing he wanted in the world.

Yes, he would do any one of those over again.

Jim spoke again with his head still on her shoulder, and started rubbing her arm. "It's a lot harder than I thought it would be...and I don't...I'm not sure how to do things yet without it seeming like favoritism or...I don't know.  I'll get better at it though...I'll figure it out...I promise."

Pam took a shuddering breath and glanced up at the ceiling before finally turning to look at him.  "I don't think there's anyway around that Jim.  This is our office remember?  Dunder-Mifflin Scranton? People are going to think you're playing favorites no matter what you do.  You could decide to divorce me next month and they'd still think you were playing favorites."

Jim frowned and shook his head as he played with a loose thread on their comforter, clearly uncomfortable with that example.  She wrapped her fingers around his, stilling them.  It wasn't like him to take things like that so seriously.

"Hey," she said quietly. "You know you're stuck with us."

His sigh sounded too much like relief.  She shook her head at him.  What a crazy man he was.

Suddenly he laid down, his head in her lap and his hand against her belly.  His voice was hoarse. "How's Baby today?"

"Really hungry," Pam sighed.  The words tumbled out of her then - unstoppable. "I think that's another reason I'm cranky...Why do people insist on bringing donuts to the office?  All I can think about all day long is eating...seriously - right after I eat...I want to eat again...And then I have to listen to Ryan tell me that it's been proven that you don't have to gain more than nine pounds when you're pregnant... And here I am thinking there's no way I'm going to fit into my dress next week."

Jim gazed up at her with a soft smile.  "Number 1," he said. "You should eat a donut whenever you want to eat a donut.  Number 2...Why would you ever...ever listen to anything Ryan says? And 3...I'm fine if you want to get married in the nude."

Pam smiled back at him and began running her fingers through his hair.  He shut his eyes for the longest of moments reveling in her touch.  There was almost nothing better than her fingers running through his hair. Almost.

He tried focusing on only that sensation, but the reel of the day kept playing in his head. "Ugh...I can't believe today was such a disaster."

At her lack of response, Jim quickly opened his eyes.  She had the nerve to be smiling.

"Did you make your famous pros and cons list?  I can't believe Michael didn't go for that."

The quip was so tongue in cheek.  So very Pam.  So very, them.

He rolled his eyes. "Shut up. You are the queen of lists!"

She giggled, "I know...I know..."

Jim started to get up and she protested, pushing lightly at his chest. "No just...lie here for a minute..."

"Don't have to ask me twice," he sighed happily laying his head back on her lap.  Her finger-combing commenced.  He shut his eyes.  "God, I tried to rewind myself today...did you see that?"

Pam sighed.  He didn't get it.  He didn't get what she was annoyed by.  It wasn't his managerial skills.  It was the thought that maybe he didn't think she was all that great. That maybe deep down he didn't think she deserved a raise.  That maybe the only reason he'd picked ‘the sales team' was because they needed the money.

"Open your eyes...I need to say something to you."

He opened them immediately.  His face looking just a little scared at the tone of her voice.

"You have to hear this ok?"

He nodded quickly.

"No matter what...I'm always on your side.  No matter what - always....Don't ever, ever doubt that.  It's you and me in there.  Even if I get...upset with you or...whatever.  I am always, always on your side."

He sat up then, taking her face in both hands. He kissed her like she couldn't remember him kissing her before.  After a few moments, he pulled away and she had to find her breath before she spoke again.

"But I...I felt like maybe you thought I didn't deserve a raise -

"No," he said shaking his head vehemently. "I'm so sorry. I just couldn't think of any other way to not be biased or...Michael's always making these comments about being impar -

Pam put her finger to his lips. "Be quiet."

"Ok."

She brushed his hair out of his eyes.  "Guess what?"

"What?" He asked, as he ran one finger along the path of a curl. He slipped it behind her ear.

"I saw Mrs. Pam Halpert written on a check today for the first time...Someone else's writing - not just my practice on scratch paper...It felt so official," she finished with a smile.

He kissed her again and she felt like suddenly maybe the bad day was no more. The next day would hold its own ups and downs, but tonight she didn't want to waste anymore time being mad.  It was clear that he didn't either.

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