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Today I finally understood why a certain James Halpert dumped me.
This has been one of the greatest enigmas in my life—not why I didn’t get elected Prom Queen, not why Mr. Henderson didn’t fail me in Anthropology, no—the mystery behind Jim’s sudden, ‘I don’t know… Let’s break up,’ ranks the highest in my things-I-can’t-explain list.
I’ve had my heart broken once or twice before, but that time was different. Looking at past failed relationships, I can always pinpoint exactly where it went wrong—the guy was a jackass, but not Jim. He was the one I could bring home and introduce to my parents. He was the good guy—the right guy, or so I thought. So, when he dropped the rejection bomb on me, without any explanation, not even a ‘it’s not you, it’s me,’ line, I was baffled.
But not anymore.
I was at the SteamTown Mall when I saw Larisa, Jim’s younger sister, standing, with her back to me by the food court. I could never forget her; she was a lovely girl, always complimented my hair and really liked my blue eye shadow. I gave her a purse for her birthday and she thanked me for days—it was the sweetest thing.
She looked all grown up, though. Well, almost six years have gone by since I last saw her. I wondered if she ever got to date that boy in her English class.
I walked with decided steps towards her. In the back of my naïve mind I wondered what her brother was up too, perhaps single and ready to mingle? I am all for second chances—we all make mistakes.
When I got closer I noticed she was holding a little girl, about a year old with golden curls.
“Larisa?” I said coming up behind her.
She turned around and was completely surprised to see me. “Oh my God, Katy!”
“Hi.” I gave her a quick hug and gestured to the baby, “Who do we have here?”
The little girl looked grief-stricken. Her big green eyes were glazed with tears and her pouty lips curved down in a frown. Her cheeks were flushed and her tiny fingers clutched a set of keys for dear life.
“This is Cecelia, my niece,” she said and after a beat added, “She’s Jim’s daughter.”
“Oh,” I gasped. Surprised didn’t describe my state of mind. May be it was because whenever the subject of marriage or kids came up, Jim would always sway the conversation elsewhere. This made me think that perhaps I was not the marrying kind. I'm nearing thirty and honestly, how does a woman get to my age without being married? Humph.
“W-why’s she so sad?” I added, masking my shock. Yeah, shocked seemed like a more suitable description.
“She wants her Momma, don’t you Cece?” She said, gazing down at the sad little tot. “She went to the car to get her diaper bag, we forgot it,” she explained.
“Oh.” I said. No air in the sparseness of the mall available for me to breathe.
But a sudden urge to meet this woman overcame me. I wanted to know who she was. I wanted to know how she did it—how she managed to convince Jim to ‘put a ring on it.’ But I didn’t want my curiosity to seem obvious. “So, what are you guys doing here?” I said and reached for the little girl’s hand, but she further recoiled to Larisa.
“It’s Pam’s sister’s birthday this weekend. We’re looking for a gift.”
Wait… “Pam?”
“Oh… Jim’s wife, Pam.” She said it very nonchalantly.
“Yeah, Pam…” I stumbled. Jim not only has a daughter, but is also married. And her name sounded familiar, but I couldn’t put a face on it. “That’s…nice,” I managed to say.
“We are thinking about a Pandora bracelet.” Larisa added as an afterthought and quickly changed the subject. “So, how have you been? What have you been up too?”
“Oh, um…I’ve been good….working and umm… How’ve you been? College?”
“Yeah, I just finished my junior year,” she said adjusting the little girl on her arms. “I’m home for the summer.”
“That’s awesome…” I said, though my mind was furiously searching through its database of names and faces. I needed to know who Pam was, but I didn’t want to seem like a creep. So, I kept listening to Larisa rattle on about college, hoping she would drop hints here and there. “Yeah… Um-hum….”
In the mean time, little Cecelia began fussing and whimpering, calling out, “Mama.” Larisa became distracted with the tot, trying to soothe her. But she continued to whimper rubbing her eyes with tiny clenched fists.
“Sorry,” she said.
“Oh, no problem.”
When I stopped to look at baby, I saw Jim. Small little things called my attention—her lips, definitely her eyes—big and green, and the ears. Cecelia had cute little Dumbo ears.
Just then Larisa piped up and said, “Oh, Look Cece, there’s daddy.”
I froze. Jim Halpert was headed our way. I looked in the direction Larisa was pointing and boy, he looked different—better. That boyish manner still palpable, but this mature, established air exuded from him. His hair was brushed away from his face, but his attire was still as laid-back as the day I met him—jeans and t-shirt. God. That moment I forgot any rancor and started having paranoid fantasies.
“Hey,” he said, obviously surprise. He recognized me right away.
I threw my hair back and plastered the best pageant smile I had. “Oh my Gawd!” We hugged—his body gangly and stiff around mine. “Jim Halpert,” I said, eyeing him up and down. God, it got really hot.
The whimpering girly was literally throwing herself at him from Larisa’s arms, extending her tiny arms as far as they went in his direction. He immediately lifted her to him, kissing her tear-stricken cheeks in the process. “What’s the matter, uh?” He asked, running a hand down her back. The little girl just burrowed her face in his shirt.
“Pam went to get the diaper bag…. We forgot in the car,” Larisa explained. “Cece wasn’t happy about that.”
He smiled at Larisa, and then turned his attention back to me, cradling the small child. “So how’ve been?” he asked.
“Oh, umm, I’ve been good—working…” I didn’t really want to talk about me. There’s nothing to brag about single ol’ me. “I see you got a baby now.” I gestured to the little wilted form in his arms.
“Yeah,” he said, turning and planting a small peck on the little one’s head. Guhh…. Why did the Universe felt the need to torture me?
“How old is she?” I asked, feigning calmness and control.
“She’s 16 months,” he said.
“She’s the cutest thing ever.” She really was a cute baby. We would have made cute babies.
“Thanks,” he smirked.
“So,” I piped up. “Still working at the paper place?” Just trying to make conversation.
“Yeah, except now we sell printers too.”
“Fascinating,” I teased.
“Hey, I’ll have you know, it’s a very respectable job,” he said, feigning offence.
He’s still the same ol’ Jim. We had good times together. “So… wife and kids, uh?”
“Yeah…It’s the life.” He chuckled and I also erupted in fake laughter—though partially sincere. He’s always had this I-want-to-be-you-friend-and-not-get-in-your-pants quality when he talked to you—very attractive.
“So um… how’s the wife?” I really wanted to know about this woman, Pam. What was her secret? I need to know. Time’s ticking, tic-toc, tic-toc.
“She’s good, in fact,” he said pointing straight ahead, “Here she comes…”
I turned around and finally saw her—Pam. Theee Pam. Jim’s friend Pam, the one who was engaged to the football player, who set their wedding date during that horrible boat thing. That Pam. “Oh my God.” I don’t remember if I actually said that out loud.
It was then that it dawned on me. Jim liked her—he had liked Pam, but she was with the other guy—Rob, Todd, Troy? Son of a b—
“Hi.” She was almost startled by my presence. I felt three inches taller and ten pounds lighter. “How’re you?”
“Good,” I said a little chipper. I'm very good. Superb.
The little cutie on Jim’s arms whipped her curly head around to the sound of Pam’s voice. “Mama!” She called. Jim lowered her to Pam and a grin broke across her baby doll face. Mama was back. And guess who’s also back?
“I’m really good,” I said again, nodding, with a huge, idiotic smile plastered on my face. Relief, that’s what I felt—relief from the thought that I wasn’t good enough to have a guy like Jim, relief that I didn’t have to wonder anymore. I couldn’t have had him, he was already taken—he was never mine to begin with.
“I can’t believe you guys are together.” I said. Elephant in the room. Couldn’t help it—slipped out.
They looked at each other and smiled. “Yeah,” she replied.
“What happened to your fian---ex fiancé?” Couldn’t remember his name.
“Didn’t work out,” she said simply. Sore subject? I imagined a messy break-up.
“Your little girl is the cutest thing.”
“Thanks,” she ran her fingers through the little girl’s hair, very protectively, very motherly. I like her.
I felt like I could float on air. “I think I’m gonna start going. My friend is waiting for me.” And by friend I meant, potential boyfriend. He’s a good guy. We’ve been talking. I really like him. I think he likes me too.
“Okay,” she said. “It was good seeing you.”
“Yeah, it was.” It really was.
I was never me, it was always him. The best loose end I’ve tied up in a while.
Loose Ends by Dedeen
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks for all your ideas... I plan to keep this going!
I own nothing.
I own nothing.
Chapter End Notes:
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