*
*
I’m watching the bubbly news correspondent run through her lines as she prepares to recite them to the camera. She’s a fairly young girl with short, blond hair. She thinks she is at the top of the world. Her confidence and poise as she prepares to tell the spectators at home about the new giraffe at the zoo is borderline comical. I just sigh and hold the microphone as close to her as possible without intruding the camera’s frame.
“Okay, ready,” she says and releases a theatrical gush of air. “Let’s do this.”
The camera man, who cannot understand why his skills have gone unrecognized and unappreciated for years, mumbles, “Rolling.”
“We are here in Nay Aug Park Zoo,” Blondie begins. “To introduce its latest addition…” she pauses for dramatic effect and then says, “Zoe the giraffe….”
Her voice is composed and as she continues to recite her lines, I zone out. Being the production sound mixer for this local news station is a step up, albeit small, from my previous job. The new title gives me the final say in the editing room. This would be very exciting if I were on a film set or in a major television production. However, the most I get to do is mix the audio signals and do a few dialogue replacements.
I should probably try my luck out west. I have enough experience to land a decent job booming. But ever since my divorce was finalized, I can’t seem to find enough strength to move-on. I think Alyssa and I shocked each other by how we went from being two people who knew each other best in the world to being a pair of mutually incomprehensible strangers. I spent all my energy (and money) settling that battle that I can’t find it in me to just pack up and go.
Alyssa blames me for the demise of our marriage and her stance was further supported when the documentary aired. It suddenly became clear to her (and apparently to everyone else) that I fell out of love with her and in love with someone else. Look, it’s hard to look into someone’s soul, to feel their hurt, and carry their burden as if it were your own for years and not become emotionally involved. Yes, what I felt for her was more than friendship, but it wasn’t love.
“Dude,” the camera guy growls, “The boom’s in frame.”
“Oh,” I say and pull the pole back. “Sorry…it slipped.”
He rolls his eyes and says, “Little miss thing wants to interview people.”
“About the giraffe?” I ask.
“No, about the Koala…” He scoffs. Sweat beads on his brow. “She wants to capture the excitement”
It’s my turn to roll my eyes. “How about you guys take a break while I help her find people to interview,” I tell the crew. “Be back here in ten.”
The small group disbands and I exhale, looking around for Blondie who has disappeared into the crowd. I find her talking to someone over by the entrance to the exhibit. I do a double take before I notice who she’s chatting with.
Holy crap.
It’s Jim Halpert.
I try to veer myself away from his field of view, but it’s too late. Blondie is already sending him in my direction. Our eyes meet and the sudden realization that I’m about to face him makes my heart sink to the pit of my stomach. I know he feels betrayed. Like everyone else, he must think I stepped over my boundaries with Pam. The look on his face as he takes measured steps in my direction is enough to alert me of his state of mind.
“Hey man,” I venture first.
“Hey,” he says back.
I look down and see that he is holding Cecelia’s hand. She’s so big. I was one of the first people who got to hold her when she was born. She looked just like a doll with wispy, blonde hair, blue eyes, and rosy cheeks. Alyssa and I were trying to get pregnant around the same time Cece was born. We tried so hard, following her cycle and other ridiculous instructions, but it never happened.
“So, how are things?” I ask.
“Good,” he says. “You?”
“Good, good,” I say and clear my throat. “You want to do the interview?” I ask, knowing how strangely nostalgic it is to be asking him this question.
“Sure, why not?” He shrugs.
I smile down at Cece and she offers me a timid grin. Though her resemblance to Jim is uncanny, the ghost of her mom’s smile plays about her cherub lips. I can’t tell if she remembers me. “She’s grown a lot since I last saw her,” I say secretly avoiding real conversation.
“Yeah, kids grow like weeds,” he offers.
We both fall silent and I suddenly feel the inevitable question welling up. “How’s Pam?”
“She’s good. She’s home with Philip.”
“Everything okay?”
“Phil just has a cold.”
“I hope he feels better,” I say.
“Yeah, me too.”
You can cut the tension between us with a knife. We used to be really good friends and then overnight we stopped talking to each other. I like to think that we merely drifted apart, except I know it’s a bit more involved than that. But I can guarantee one thing. This mess isn’t because of me alone. Maybe it’s time to tie up this loose end.
“Hey man, I’ve been meaning to talk to you… I wanted to clear things between us,” I say.
His brow furrows and he looks searchingly at me. He then looks down at Cece and says, “Hey pretty lady, do you want to see the Giraffe?”
Cece nods excitedly.
“Okay, go on.”
Cece darts towards the exhibit and we follow. “What exactly do you want to clear up ?” He asks pointedly.
“Well, I think the documentary made it seem like I was interested in Pam.”
“Were you?”
“No, not like that,” I tell him, but from years of watching him I can tell he doesn’t believe me. “Look, I do care for her, but not like that .”
Cece looks back at us and says, “Daddy, Look! The giraffe!”
“I know…” Jim says in mock excitement and then turns to me. “I think you tried to take advantage of the fact that Pam and I were going through a bit of a rough patch back there.”
“That’s not what happened.” I press my hand to my forehead as though I can silence the voices in my head telling me differently. “I was just being a friend.”
“You know Brian, a friend would have told Pam to go talk to her husband and not have told her to call them instead.” He looks past me to where Cece is climbing the railings and says, “Cece, feet stay on the ground.” When Cece plants both feet on the ground, Jim turns back to me and says, “That’s what a friend would have done.”
Ashamed, I let my head hang low. I broke protocol and reached out to Pam motivated by this crazy idea that I could somehow draw her pain away. Like an electrical shock, maybe it would pass through her harmlessly and terminate in me. I stood by and watched her heart being broken before. I just couldn’t watch that happen again. Look, I wasn’t thinking. I just saw her crying and a switch turned on inside of me.
“I wouldn’t think twice about telling Alyssa to go talk to you first before offering her my friendship .” He shakes his head and adds, “You were there from the very beginning. You were at my wedding; you were at the hospital when my kids were born….”
This is not the mild-mannered Jim Halpert I’m used to seeing. “It wasn’t like that,” I insist.
“Admit it,” he says calmly, but his voice is rimmed with a sharp edge.
“What? No.” I shake my head. “I loved my wife,” I tell him. “I loved Alyssa.”
“I know,” he says. “But you liked Pam too.”
I feel the words welling up – words I’d never said to another living soul. Saying it out loud will make it true, and it can’t be true. I try to push them back down, choke them back, and drown them. But I feel them crawling their way out and I can’t hold it in any longer. “Maybe I liked her more than I should of, okay? Is that what you want to hear?”
Jim scrunches his brow and twits his lips. He keeps his eyes on Cece who is still gawking at the giraffe. The giggly little girl hasn’t stopped bouncing on her feet.
I sigh defeated. “Look, I didn’t plan on that happening. I feel awful. You have to know that,” I tell him honestly. “I wished I hadn’t felt way. But please know I would never come between you guys. I would never put myself somewhere I don’t belong. I loved Alyssa more than anything, you have to know that.”
There’s a beat of silence before he asks, “Does Alyssa know?”
“Our divorce was finalized six months ago.”
His brow furrows. I see sympathy there. “Sorry man,” he says genuinely.
“It’s okay,” I say. “It was the right decision for us.”
“But not an easy one.”
“No, not easy,” I say honestly. “I thought it would be good for us to be apart for a little while. Cool off, you know? But then I got the divorce papers…” I look past him and I see my crew starting to set back up. “But hey… I’m on the market. So, if you know anyone...” I say, going for comic relief.
He offers a smile rimmed with pity. “Look,” He sighs and looks anywhere but at me. “I’m not mad at you. I was mad with myself,” he says. “You were there to look out for Pam when I wasn’t.”
“I would prevent anyone in that office from being attacked,” I tell him.
“But you were there for Pam…”
“I had no ulterior mo—”
“I know,” he interrupts me.
The nearby noises filter around us and I feel perfectly calm for the first time in months. I hear a small sound behind me and I turn to see Cece. She walks timidly by me and reaches her arms out to Jim. He lifts her up and she cups her small hands around his ear and whispers. Jim pretends it’s the most fascinating piece of information he’s ever heard.
“Maybe in a few minutes, okay?” Jim tells her and a big beautiful smile adorns her face. “So,” he turns to me. “The interview?”
“Right… I think my crew is ready.”
“So, you’re just going to ask me about the giraffe?”
“Pretty much,” I say.
“Okay.” He looks at Cece and says, “Let’s tell Brian here about the giraffe, then we will get ice cream, okay?”
Cece nods approvingly.
We do the interview, shake hands, and part ways. I walked around too long with these emotions locked away and I feel a release, like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. To be perfectly honest, I’ve always liked Pam. There is something about her that is vey raw and beautiful and a lot of people fell in love with her after the documentary aired. But I loved Alyssa. She was the one that made my heart skip a bit - till this day I can’t look at her without having all these feelings well up. Even though Alyssa doesn’t believe that, I glad Jim does. Even if life is still in shambles right now, at least I have this one loose end tied up.
Loose Ends by Dedeen
Author's Chapter Notes:
I own nada.
Thanks to *EmilyHalpert* for being my Beta
Thanks to *EmilyHalpert* for being my Beta
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading. Feedback is always welcomed! =)
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