Roy knew this—his heart was breaking more than Pam’s was over the end of their relationship.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.
Roy lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling. He and Pam were done, for good this time. He had felt it for sure a few weeks ago when he sat outside the bar, hand cradled in his chest, slightly bloodied from little cuts. She had stormed off when he had freaked out over her confession, telling him quietly, “We’re done.” Yes, they were done.
He had lost his job at Dunder Mifflin. He had stormed into the office, raring for a fight. Roy wanted to punch Jim, to cause him the same sort of pain that he had felt when Pam admitted to kissing him, that same unexpected blow. But Dwight of all people had stopped him. Dwight.
Now he felt adrift and Pam was still a solid anchor. He had depended on her, he knew, probably more than he should have. But she anchored someone else now.
Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.
For weeks after, Roy couldn’t pull his life together. He felt the same way he did when he and Pam first broke up, falling out of the couch drunk in the middle of the day, uncaring about his own appearance or anyone else’s feelings. His days and nights were no different from each other, filled with sleeplessness, restlessness and a general despondency. All he could do was find solace at the bottom of a bottle. He lay on the bed every night, wide awake, missing her warmth beside him.
He tormented himself with thoughts of her with Jim. Jim was a good guy all around and it pained Roy to have to admit that. He could still remember the expression on Jim’s face, that slightly wide-eyed shock, when Roy had stormed into the room, yelling, “Halpert!” It had only fueled his aggression. That Jim had first quickly thought to push Karen aside only angered Roy more. Why was he such a good guy when Roy couldn’t be?
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
He knew that it was really his fault that Pam left. He couldn’t even justify it by saying he was angry over the kiss. Pam had only wanted to be honest with him to give their relationship another chance, a fighting chance and a new start, but he had ruined it by screaming at her and reverting to his old habits. Roy had gotten used to Pam being his better half. When people said it about them, Roy knew that it was more than a joke, that it was the truth. She was better than he was and Roy had always tried to even things out by belittling her work and her passions.
At least now Pam could follow her own dreams. Roy knew that she had already started taking art classes. She was living her life, the life that he had been afraid to let her live for fear that she’d realize how much better she could do than him.
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.
Roy didn’t know why he couldn’t get his life together. Just the other day he had stopped outside of Dunder Mifflin, just to see her again. He caught of a glimpse of her in the parking lot as he watched through the trees. Her hair was blowing around her as she put her keys into the door of that little blue Toyota that he had never wanted her to buy. When they broke up, she bought it and clearly reveled in her independence.
Sometimes Roy felt like he was still stuck in high school, stuck being the guy who had brought his brother along for their first date. Of course, he had felt like a fool then, but Pam had seemed okay with it and all he had thought at the time was, “Wow, she’s such a cool girl for not calling me out on this.” And that thought had just spun into taking her for granted all the time throughout their relationship. He did try at first, little things to woo her, to make up for the first date gaffe. But then it had just degenerated into assuming that she would always be there for him.
And now she had moved on from him, found someone who cared deeply for her and he was still here, stuck in the past.
You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm trying make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.
Pam was the one who had packed up and left their small apartment. He never noticed before, but she didn’t have that many things at his place. He had always protected his space, protesting against her attempts to decorate. He grudgingly granted her a drawer and a tiny shelf in the bathroom, but that was about it. After that night in the warehouse with the gambling, Pam didn’t come to his place that night, leaving him a short message on his phone, letting him know that she was going to stay at her own apartment for the night. The next day she came over, sat quietly on his couch, and told him it was over.
She packed efficiently, quickly and within a few minutes, she had erased all traces of herself from his apartment. He should have known that something was different the second time when she barely brought over more than a toothbrush on the few times she stayed the night.
In the end, she packed up his heart with her toothbrush and left him alone in the dark.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.
Roy could only reflect on this as he lay still in the dark, thinking of the demise of his relationship with Pam. He finally got what he wanted when they were together—time alone—but now he didn’t want it. But she didn’t want him back. So he could only hope that his heart would heal soon and keep on breathing.
Story Notes:
Songfic based on Break Even by the Script. Not sure if I really like the way it turned out though.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter End Notes:
I heard this song and immediately thought of Roy and Pam/Jim and their relationship. I don't think I wrote it as I originally imagined though. Perhaps I'll revisit this idea again in the future and see what comes out of it.
