It was the following Monday morning and boy, had it been the longest weekend of her life. Roy had decided to take a “guys trip” with Kenny until Sunday night, leaving her to sit alone in her thoughts for an excruciating amount of time. She had flipped her phone open and started a text to Jim at least three dozen times over the course of the weekend, only to slam it shut and throw it away from her. She didn’t know how to feel, what to say, what to do. Why now? Why did he have to throw this bomb now? When she was knee-deep in planning a wedding that she had dreamt of for years. Now, when she and Roy were in a really good place for once. Now, when she was finally feeling like herself again. All she knew was that nothing was the same. Everything changed in that parking lot.
But hindsight is 20/20, as they say. Maybe Jim hadn’t thrown as big of a bomb as she thought. Replaying the last three years over in her mind, of course she saw the signs. The countless times she felt his eyes on her from his desk. The way he would glance at the floor with any mention of Roy. The flirting, the bashful smiles, the trips to her desk (no one likes jelly beans THAT much). But now she realized that she had refused to believe what those things meant and had always written them off as friendship. Why did she do that? Probably because if she acknowledged what was really going on, she’d have to admit she felt the same way. She’d have to uproot everything she’d known the past 10 years. She’d have to face the fact that she failed on yet another thing in her life. She was a people pleaser to a fault, and confronting her feelings meant letting a lot of people down.
—————
She came into work, a little later than usual. Everything felt like slow motion now. Immediately, she noticed that Jim’s desk was empty and cleared. Her heart sank. She tried to clear the giant ball forming in her throat as she peered over the partition into accounting. As casually as she could muster, she got Angela’s attention.
“Hey, uh, what’s up with Jim’s desk?”
Angela stopped typing and turned around.
“I thought he would have told you, since you two seem awfully close to one another.”
Pam ignored Angela’s tone and gripped the desk as Angela went on, turning back to her computer.
“He took a promotion at the Stamford branch in Connecticut. Michael let him come in on Saturday to clean out his desk so he could get a jump start on his drive this morning.”
Pam’s breath caught. She started turning away, when she heard Angela continue.
“But he forgot to pick up his last paycheck, so Oscar said he’ll be back in before he leaves.”
Pam’s heart stopped as she looked up. As if it were scripted, there he was, walking in the door. They made the briefest of eye contact before he averted his eyes and scratched his head. He walked right past reception and back to accounting.
“Good luck with everything, Jim,” she heard Oscar say as he handed the envelope to Jim. “We’re really going to miss you around here.”
“Hey thanks, Oscar. I’ll miss it too. And everyone. The Office, I mean.”
Jim shook Oscar’s hand and then once again, walked right past Pam without a word, eyes on the floor as he headed out the door. Without thinking, she raced after him and finally caught up to him in the parking lot outside his car.
“Jim! Really?! You aren’t even going to say goodbye to me?!”
He whipped around, now inches from her face, and she saw something in his eyes she had never seen before, at least not directed at her. Was it anger? Or was it pain? Perhaps a little of both.
There was a bite in his tone. “Are you happy, Pam? Like, truly happy? With him...with this?”
The question caught her off guard. She couldn’t seem to muster a single word. Was she?
Jim looked up at the sky in frustration. “I don’t know what you want me to say Beesly. Or should I say ‘Anderson’?” She saw the twinge of regret on his face as soon as the words came out of his mouth.
Why did that sting so much?
Jim sighed. “Listen, I have to get going. They’re waiting for me to start the new job this afternoon in Stamford.”
She nodded and without much thought, she moved in to give him a hug, but was met with his outstretched hand giving her a handshake.
Ooof. That stung worse.
“Goodbye, Pam. Have a nice life, I guess.”
He hopped in his car, as she stood there in disbelief, her hand still out in front of her. The man driving away was completely different than the one who stood in front of her in this very parking lot less than three days ago, confessing his feelings to her.
And you know what? No, she wasn’t happy. Not at all. Not with any of it. Her face was hot with tears and frustration. It was all falling apart faster than she could pick up any of the pieces and she breaking inside. But in a moment of clarity, she knew the next step.
----------
Jim got no further than a block away from Dunder Mifflin before he had to pull over. His breathing quickened, his palms were sweaty, and he felt the lump in his throat growing. Who was that guy back there? He was cold and short with Pam. A jerk, to say the least. But he was just so. damn. hurt. He hadn’t eaten more than a plain bagel and some Doritos in the past three days. He had slept about four hours total over that same time. Pam knew how he felt--he couldn’t have been more clear--and she still let him drive away without a word. Okay, so he didn’t give her much of a chance to stop him with that handshake, but a small part of him wanted her to feel at least a fraction of the pain he was feeling. She didn’t reach out to him all weekend. No texts, no calls, no emails. She had made up her mind.
He heard the lyrics of the Ben Folds song that was playing in his car.
Until I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it’s bye-bye, goodbye
I tried
His breathing picked up and he felt his eyes start to burn. He punched the steering wheel. He could probably count on one hand the number of times he had actually cried in his adult life, but Pam always brought out every emotion in him, like no one ever had. The weight and reality of the entire weekend—of the past three years, really—flooded over him and the dam finally broke. His shoulders shook and tears streamed down his face as the song continued.
It’s over
Author's Chapter Notes:
I wondered if I should have Jim and Pam see each other again before he left for Stamford. Finally I settled on one more interaction. Lots of angsty Jim here, so buckle up.
Chapter End Notes:
Full disclaimer: I got halfway through writing this chapter before I remembered I was going to tell it all from Jim’s POV. But I liked Pam’s inner struggle and didn’t want to rewrite it, so I just threw Jim’s tag on the end. Hopefully it made sense.
For anyone wondering or who doesn’t know, the Ben Folds song is “Landed”
For anyone wondering or who doesn’t know, the Ben Folds song is “Landed”
