There had to be a clear explanation for the differences of stories.

I couldn’t actually get my head around the information Michael has given me. He stares at me uncomfortably now, likely due to the fact that I seemed floored by the revelations. A part of me wants to find something to hold on to, but know I couldn’t make a scene. No. Michael had to be wrong, he couldn’t possibly…

My mind flashes back quickly to the night. Jim with Katy, the eventual break-up between them – she would hardly look at me when she told me what happened, why? And then...

Oh god.

I had nearly forgotten all about the quiet moment we had spent outside. Jim had been acting weird, but I hadn’t really given it much thought. It made sense, it fit in, perhaps he had been trying to tell me and I left him there…

I turned and slowly walked out of the office, not saying a word to Michael. My eyes quickly locked onto Jim’s hunched over frame. His face was drawn, tired, but he kept writing busily. I had never seen him work so hard in my entire time of knowing him, and I soon figured out why.

I felt the stares too. Glancing up, people quickly diverted their attention away from us, but I knew they had been looking, talking. It would die down eventually, but Jim would likely take the brunt of it for a good while until the next big gossip came out.

…It is all because of me. None of this would have gotten out had I stayed that night. I had run away that night because I felt uncomfortable, felt an odd tension I understood but didn’t. He likely would have managed to spit it out, or at the very least say enough so he didn’t have to talk to Michael of all people about it. The worst part is, I can say nothing about it, do nothing to stop it without making people talk more.

So I try to hide again.

I sit down, attempting to block the newly revealed information from my head. Things would remain the same between us; it just needed a bit of time to mend. I just need to keep reminding myself that. He didn’t have to know I knew he still liked me and for all anyone knew, unless Michael opened his mouth again, they thought the same thing I had; it was a long time ago, not anymore, period.

I try to concentrate on my work. Only a few more minutes and it would be over for the day. I would go home and…do what? I have no idea. It’ll be away, though, a place where I can think at least.

I look over at Jim again, discreetly looking him over. People keep passing him and obviously making comments to him. He smiles each time, but scowls the minute they leave. He was taking it in stride, he always did. If it were me, I would have already found a way to get out for at least the day.

Of course, it would never be me. Oh no. Because I certainly had no feelings for anyone but Roy. It would always be like that. God, why can’t I believe what I’m saying myself?

I know I’m just skillfully dodging the truth. I’ve liked Jim for a long time, but I was never stupid. He’s handsome, funny, sweet, intelligent...I’ve already said that he definitely belonged someplace that would really put his attributes to good use. He was someone who could go places, whereas I…it seems I’m likely to always be in my position. Roy is comfortable, something I know—I’m with him because I know there’s no uncertainty in the relationship. And really, I do love him, but lately...

No. I can’t…but even stopping myself, I know what my final train of thought was leading. I love him; it’s not working. He hardly pays attention to me anymore, he stares at other girls in front of me, he upsets me without even knowing it. The latter is what gets me, really. I could understand the rest, but the fact he doesn’t notice, the fact that Jim notices I’m hurt before him…

Oh my god. He does, doesn’t he? I had never really thought about it before, but memories started to whirl into my head rather abruptly. For all the time I’ve known him, he has been nothing but the best support I could ask for. So what am I doing, letting this all slip away?

No. What am I thinking? Throwing away years with Roy would be insane and could end up in abject failure. I could leave Roy and Jim might find out he’s absolutely wrong about me and I’d be without anyone. I’d have to get pets or something and live my days known as the lonely old lady on my street.

Alright, I know that’s to an extreme, but it’s a possibility. I might even become some sort of cat lady like Angela and throw parties for them or something.

I glance at my watch. Closing time; it felt like ages waiting for this. I move to pull on my coat, attempting to just slip out unnoticed. And then I remember.

“Ready?”

I had agreed to walk down to my car with him. I force a smile and nod, “Yeah.”

He grins at me and I feel butterflies. I follow him, my eyes studying his backside. I learn quickly how to divert my gaze each time he looks; I don’t want him to think anything is wrong. We enter the elevator and stand side by side, my arm gently brushing against his. The doors slide closed and I think suddenly, this is it, tell him everything. The feelings are brewing, they always have. I open my mouth to speak and no words come out. He thankfully doesn’t notice.

Finally: “Jim?”

He seems to be startled out of his thoughts as he looks at me, his head cocking to one side. “What’s up?”

I don’t actually know what I want to say. No, that’s lying to myself again. I do know what I want to say, really, but considering I have never ever done anything crazy like this, I’m actually scared.

So I do the next best thing.

“If things were different,” I say quietly, looking at my feet. “If…if I wasn’t getting married, would you…?”

He doesn’t answer me for a moment, his face suddenly flushed a bit. He knows what I’m asking. If I wasn’t getting married, would he have asked me out? I wait expectedly, hoping that the doors won’t open before he answers. I feel like I need to know this but at the same time the mere idea has put my stomach in knots.

“Yeah,” he finally says, his eyes looking at everything but me. “You’re an amazing person, Pam. Don’t…forget that, okay? Roy is lucky to have you.”

The elevator slides open before I could say anything. I followed him out, walking toward the exit. Jim opens the door for me and I walk out into the cool air. As we reach my car, I manage to find the courage to face him, a slight smile on my face.

“You’re amazing too, you know. Thanks for being here for me.”

It’s not exactly what I want to say, but those words may never come out completely. I can already feel myself attempt to bury them, fear holding me back from jumping into the unknown.

“Oh, I know I’m amazing,” he jokes, attempting to lighten the mood. I laugh a bit. “And also, impossible to get rid of. I’d say you’re stuck with me for the long run.”

“That’s not so terrible.”

I didn’t mean to actually say it. We stare at each other for a moment before Jim laughs a bit uncomfortably. He holds my car door open for me.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Have a good night, Pam.”

I resist the urge to jump out of the car and do something. I don’t know what, but…it’s all coming at me so fast, all of this. My constant refusal to deal with the issue finally is catching up with me.

“Y-You too.”

As I drive off, I watch his figure in my rear-view mirror. As soon as he thinks I don’t see him, he kicks the ground a bit, his head bowed down in what seems like disappointment. It breaks my heart just a tiny bit, knowing I’m responsible for it. Still, my cowardice wins out and I continue driving.

When did this all get so complicated?