Ch. 3

After he had left the office, and somehow had made it down the elevator and to the parking lot, Jim sat in his car for close to thirty minutes. It was below freezing temperature outside, but he couldn’t even turn on the ignition to get the heat going – it would take too much energy and focus, when the only thing he wanted to focus on was what Pam had just said to him. He went over every detail in his mind, as though forgetting one minute detail would erase the entire encounter. I love you. It would be easier if you asked me when I didn’t love you. Maybe things worked out this way for a reason.

He laid his head on his steering wheel, cursing himself for what seemed like the millionth time since he had turned away from her. Did that really just happen? And did I really just walk away from her?

The phone ringing finally jostled him out of his daydream. He quickly snatched it up and hit “talk.”

“Karen, I’m so sorry.” For more than you know.

“Where are you? I’ve been standing in this stupid airport for almost an hour.” Her voice was laced with annoyance.

“I know. I – got held up at work. There was this sales call, and –” Everything I’ve ever dreamed of happened and I walked away because of you. “I’ll be right there.”

Karen sighed, the annoyance quickly melting from her voice. “Okay, well, don’t kill yourself or anything on the way. And, I expect you to make it up to me.”

Jim gulped. Considering what had happened, he didn’t think there was anything in the world that could make this up to her.

*********

Since Pam was no longer dependent on Roy to get a ride to work, she had started coming in the office really early. In fact, usually only Dwight and Angela were the only others when she walked in – which freaked her out a little even now.

She had decided she really liked being there early – it gave her a chance to settle in and get some work done before Michael came in and inevitably offered some manic distraction for the day. And then there was Jim – he was definitely another distraction, but of a different kind. After he sat at his desk, Pam found she spent most of the day looking at his hair, trying to decide what percentage was brown versus blonde, or watching his muscles beneath his shirt as he did his 10:30 stretch. One day she spent counting how many times Karen looked over at him and how many times (as far as she could tell) he looked back at her.

This morning, however, she had spent deciding whether or not she could call in sick. She wasn’t sure that she could face him today, or any day for that matter. She paced her living room floor, biting her thumb.

What if I just never came in to work ever again? I could say I’ve come down with mono. Or herpes. They wouldn’t ask too many questions if I said I had herpes.

In the end, she decided to come in, but not until close to ten – that way, everyone would already be there, and there would be no way Jim could corner her alone if she didn’t want him to. Her plan was to look as busy as possible all day so she would have an excuse to avoid him if he wanted to have a talk with her that she wasn’t ready to handle yet. She didn’t know if she’d ever be ready to handle it.

She flung open the doors to Dunder Mifflin, bustling in. She saw Jim’s chair swivel around immediately to turn in her direction. But she didn’t look at him. She couldn’t look at him now, even though she knew he was silently begging her to. She busied herself with getting situated behind her desk.

Jim hadn’t moved. Part of him worried that he was being too obvious, that someone – Karen in particular – would notice him openly staring at Pam, but he couldn’t pull himself away. He had been waiting for her to come in for over two hours so he could talk to her. It had taken everything in him not to pick up the phone and call her last night, after lying to Karen about why she couldn’t stay over at his place. Somehow, it didn’t seem right to be with one woman when he knew he would only be thinking about another.

He kept telling himself that after the initial shock and exhilaration wore off, he would agree with what Pam had told him last night. But looking at her now, knowing that she actually loved him, was the most exhilarating feeling he had ever experienced.

He was sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life looking at her – at that moment, he had never been more sure of anything.

“Pamela Beesly, how nice of you to grace us with your presence.” Michael Scott walked out of his office, arms spread wide. He was also wearing a turban. Pam really didn’t want to know.

He rapped his knuckles on the desk. “You have a late night? Sowing those wild oats now that you’re single?”

Kelly was walking by Pam’s desk. “Oh, Pam doesn’t have a boyfriend. She is sooo picky. I keep trying to set her up with these really great guys, and none of them are good enough for her.”

Normally, this conservation wouldn’t have bothered Pam – after the years she had worked at Dunder-Mifflin, she had sort of gotten used to the awkwardness. But today, knowing that Jim was still staring at her, rooted in place at his desk with those eyes burning into her, her face turned red. It felt as though Jim’s rejection of her last night was being put on display for everyone to see, like they were all laughing at her for not being able to move on. She felt herself grow angrier by the second.

“You should think about that, Pam. I mean, you’re cute and all, but…tick, tock. You know I’d offer myself if I wasn’t already taken.” He paused. “Because, you know that Jan’s my girlfriend, right?”

“Yes, I think everyone knows. Half of Pennsylvania knows.” Pam looked down at the Outlook program on her computer. “Don’t you have a meeting scheduled right about now?”

He touched his hands to his forehead. “I foresaw that. That’s why my girlfriend loves me – I am right on top of things. And her.” He let out a chuckle before turning away, leaving Pam breathing a sigh of relief.

Jim had been listening the whole time, his chair – or his eyes – never moving from their spot. Of course. Why can’t he just leave me alone? How can one person torture another person this much just by existing?

That was it. She was going to find a way to be happy, one way or another.

Pam turned herself toward Kelly, making sure her voice was loud enough for Jim to hear. “You’re right. I’ve been way too picky.”

Her eyes finally met his at this point, and the raw emotion brimming underneath the surface made him catch his breath. “I guess I’ve just been waiting on something that doesn’t really exist.”

Pam plastered on a fake smile, one that didn’t reach her eyes. “I would love to be set up.”

Kelly let out a squeal. “For real? Oh my god, Pam! You are soooo not going to regret this. I know the perfect guy, too. His name is Edward, and he is so cute. He totally looks like Hugh Grant, only not British. I think he’s actually from the Midwest –“

Kelly continued talking, but Jim hadn’t heard anything past Pam saying she wanted to go out with someone else. Immediately, he felt his blood run cold at the thought.

“Why don’t I bring him to the office party at Poor Richard’s tomorrow?”

Pam nodded, her throat dry all of a sudden. “Perfect. Excuse me, I – uh – need to get something to drink.”

He leapt up from his chair instantly, following her into the breakroom. She felt him behind her before he said anything. “You’re seriously going on a date?”

Pam shrugged. So much for her big plan of avoiding him. “Yeah, why not?”

“Well, what about –” he gestured between them. “Us?”

“I’m sorry – I wasn’t aware there was a us? There’s you, there’s me, and then there’s you and Karen.” She pursed her lips. “Nope, no us.”

He gently grabbed her arm. “Listen, we need to talk about last night.”

“What did I tell you?” She jerked her arm away, part out of frustration, and partly because his touch was physically affecting her. “I’m sick of talking. If you have something you want to say to me, you need to show me. Otherwise, it doesn’t mean anything.”

With that, she turned on her heel and walked out of the room, leaving a very confused man behind. She smiled to herself – suddenly happy she hadn’t called in sick that day.