9 [Report This]Date: May 13, 2007 09:20 pm Title: complete
"but she’s past the point of caring (that he is crazy). " Haha that made me laugh. This is a really cool story. Its so different but I really like it. And the parentheses arent a bad thing in this setting. They help convey the confliction that Jan feels. Good job!
Date: May 12, 2007 09:44 pm Title: complete
Oh, see? You definitely needed to post it. It's very sweet. I like that Jan is a bit insecure, too, not just some crazy sexoholic. :)
My only teensy nitpick is that there are so many parentheses that it's a bit distracting. To me, anyway. There are some excellent parenthetical remarks that sort of get lost in the sea of parentheses. But maybe that's just me.
Anyway, I really liked the story, and I'm glad you posted it.
Date: May 12, 2007 09:39 pm Title: complete
I think this is really good, but the parenthesis are really distracting to me. Even if you heart them, I think this would read so much better if there weren't so many of them. In many of the sentences, you can take the parenthesis out, and leave the word in. Maybe it would need commas, or perhaps some re-working, but it wouldn't be too difficult.
Other than that, it's really nice, and I agree with the TWoPers that said to post it! It's never too late to post something good, particularly when it's about a couple who don't get a lot of attention in fanfic. You need to feed the Michael/Jan fans occasionally, or they get really surly. (Just kidding there; kidding never comes across well in print. We need winky faces.)