Date: September 14, 2007 08:56 am Title: Day 530 (The Day I Met Pam Beesly)
Wham, bam, thank you, man. That was quite a punch. I'm curious, now. You'll have to elaborate, or I'm going to go nuts, because - what? THERE WAS NO LINK. WHAT HAPPENED. WHAT. WHAT.
WHAT.
So what was it? Lights? A halo? Violins playing in the background? Have you planned your wedding yet?
Author's Response: Dude. I can't think straight right now. She keeps looking up and catching me looking at her.
10 [Report This]Date: September 14, 2007 07:04 am Title: Day 530 (The Day I Met Pam Beesly)
I have a good feeling about this, Jim. Just keep two words in mind: "patience;" and, "optimism." Happy to hear that you're on your way back up. xo
Author's Response: Good God, you want me to remember words, now? I'm having trouble remembering my fucking NAME.
Date: September 14, 2007 07:01 am Title: Day 530 (The Day I Met Pam Beesly)
Awww, congrats, Jim! I had a feeling something good was going to come your way. Now, stay away from the beer as I bet this Pam person doesn't want to marry an alcoholic.
Author's Response: Dude, if drinking is the difference between her being in my life and not in my life, I'm done with the booze as of today. God, this is insane. I've never been so nervous to ask a girl out in my life...
Date: September 13, 2007 06:15 pm Title: Day Three...
umm, you said no beer, right? how does a nice diet coke with lime and whiskey sound? amazing, no? try it...it's pretty good...
and, i heard from a friend who had to go to attend some special classes that you're an alcoholic if you can't go 15 days without a drink. it's a fun experiment we used to try back in college.
Author's Response: 15 days, huh? Okay. I think I can do that. It's gonna hurt, but I think I can swing it. I feel pretty good. Only lost by two points tonight. It's also nice to not feel like shit in the morning.
Date: September 13, 2007 02:58 pm Title: Day 529
Yes, yes it does.....
(Great job on this....)
Author's Response: *Sigh* Yeah, I thought maybe it did. Or at least that maybe I should seriously think about cutting back a whole hell of a lot. I don't think I'm at the point where I need to go to any meetings or anything. It's just been something to do to kill the time...Wow. That sounds pretty bad.rnrn(Thanks! We have a surprise coming up for those of you who are following this...)
Date: September 13, 2007 02:04 pm Title: Day 529
Oh, Halpert, alcohol never killed anyone. Just drunk drivers who swerve erratically into oncoming traffic. Just be sure to stay at home ;)
Just as performing your pranks warm your hands, reading about them kindles my funnybone. Or something.
Author's Response: I'm being a total drama queen, aren't I? Okay. Thanks. Here's to you. Tomorrow. Playing ball again tonight. Didn't get my ass beat as bad last night, so I'm getting better.
Date: September 12, 2007 11:03 am Title: Day 528
Do it! Do it! Do it!!!!
Author's Response: I don't want to waste the robot voice until I've got a really good idea, but I'm running out of time here...MIchael finally called an employment agency, so interviews start tomorrow...
Date: September 12, 2007 09:47 am Title: Day 528
Better watch it with that robot voice...what goes around comes around (even if it does take several years...)
Author's Response: KIll, Crush, Destroy. Kill, Crush, Destroy...
Date: September 12, 2007 02:29 am Title: Day 527.5
I have nothing substantial to say, because sometimes you get pissy, like a girl. But I love your music taste.
So, you've never told us about your present receptionist. Her name? [unless it's a guy, which is how it is in the Stamford branch.] Is she mean?
And why don't you just prank Dwight again? The man seems like he needs to get hit.
Author's Response: Like a girl, huh? Wow, that's...pissy. I suppose my flagrant wallowing isn't really endearing anyone to my cause, but hey, I have to say that I'm better off than Helen, the latest receptionist. I think we're about five minutes from seeing her walk out the door. MIchael is...ugh. If I was a woman working in this place, I probably would have quit a long time ago.
10 [Report This]Date: September 11, 2007 08:54 pm Title: Day 527.5
Jim, your lack of confidence is going to turn the ladies off (not me of course. i love you no matter what) How bout turn that frown upside down...
Author's Response: What? Self-pity isn't the ultimate turn-on? Shit, and here I thought I was onto something...
Date: September 11, 2007 04:40 pm Title: Day 527...
Jim, Jim, Jim....why so fussy? I have this strange premonition that someday (say Spring of 2007 - just a wild guess) it's all going to come together for you. In the meantime - anytime, anywhere, boyfriend. I'll even bring the beer.
(And if you see your alter-ego Shassafrass, please tell her this is so funny and original - not to mention insanely meta ;-)
Author's Response: I have to say, some of you on my friends list can get pretty cryptic...The 'Shassafrass' thing is particularly weird. We had a cat named Sassafrass when I was a kid...Do you know me in RL?
Date: September 11, 2007 04:16 pm Title: Day 527...
oh Jim, good luck in your rematch. I think something (one) might come along to replace beer in your attempts to survive Dwight. See that over there? That's reception..keep your eyes peeled - oh and you might want to buy some jello!
Love- Future Jim
Author's Response: Future Jim? Jello? Reception? WTF?
10 [Report This]Date: September 11, 2007 04:06 pm Title: Day 527...
you should bake him a cake with dog food in it...just a suggestion......
Don't stress out too much. You're still dead sexy!
Author's Response: Dude, did you ever see that crazy sick movie about the guy who makes a fruitcake for his dad, who he hates, and asks bums on the streets of NY to spit in the batter? It's insane. I swear, when his dad eats the cake, I just wanted to spew. Hmmmm.
8 [Report This]Date: September 11, 2007 08:58 am Title: Day Three...
Author: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Jim as a self-indulgent, pathetic blogger makes my LIFE. I don't feel so...self-indulgent or pathetic. Oops.
Jim: Every other woman has done it, so why not me? I live right in NYC, less than two hours away. I can be there as soon as you want me to. I'm very willing to throw away my morals to, uh...help you through your lonely time. You know, even though I've never met you. I just believe in helping people. ;)
Author's Response: NYC, huh? Would you believe that I've only been there once, on a junior high school class trip? My first kiss happened in the elevator at the Milford Plaza Hotel on West 45th Street. I'll never forget it. Her name was Judy Jakubowski. She pretended like it never happened. Broke my heart. Heartless wench.
10 [Report This]Date: September 11, 2007 07:06 am Title: Day 526.5
Author: Man, I'm loving how interactive you're making this story. And how surprisingly IC it is. Love the journey of Jim that you're taking us on.
Jim: Go you indeed. After all, you gotta start somewhere. Even if it is getting beaten by an old, short guy.
Author's Response: *Sigh...* I'm going back, can you believe it? I must be a glutton for punishment...
Date: September 11, 2007 06:57 am Title: Day 526.5
Good for you Jim! Stay away from the drink. You don't want to turn into Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan or something. And don't worry, you could kick my ass on the basketball court any day.
Author's Response: I'm staying, I'm staying. Back to the gym tonight. I want my two dollars back. And yeah, big whoop, I can kick your ass. You're probably 4'11" and 98 pounds soaking wet...
Date: September 11, 2007 05:00 am Title: Day Three...
You're on the right track. Keep it up! Good to hear you sounding a little more optimistic : )
Author's Response: Optimistic? Is that what they call it? Funny. I thought it was abject mortification.
Date: September 11, 2007 02:17 am Title: Day 526.5
Aw, Jim, we're proud of you, at any rate. And it was a win-win situation, because you feel good and that guy, whoever it was, can be satisfied knowing that he's still young at heart, or...something. There, doesn't it feel good knowing you made someone happy? Get your ass kicked some more. Maybe you'll lose weight that way, too.
Because this was a win-win situation, you are the champion. Nice.
Author's Response: Win-win, huh? It's not like I wasn't trying here, okay? It was humilating. I'm going back for a rematch tonight. I don't know. Maybe I'm a masochist...
10 [Report This]Date: September 10, 2007 08:49 pm Title: Day 526.5
I love you Jim!!! Don't beat yourself up over it...at least you've still got a huge cock...
Author's Response: Hrmf. A lotta good that does me from the top of the key.
Date: September 10, 2007 03:23 pm Title: Day 526...
Oh good lord, if UrkelGruie can throw herself at you, I can too, right? Forget this "Pam" person I referred to before...hang in there Jim! *I'm* a-coming for you!
Author's Response: Okay, maybe I shouldn't get counseling. Here I am, on the verge of throwing myself in front of a train and all of a sudden women are throwing themselves in front of me! What the hell is going on?!
10 [Report This]Date: September 10, 2007 02:52 pm Title: Day 526...
seriously though, jim...if you ever need a fuck buddy...or friend, i'm here for you....
ps. i've heard you're pretty hot. who wouldn't want to tap that?
Author's Response: Much appreciated, although any reports of hotness on my part are greatly exaggerated.
Date: September 10, 2007 01:34 pm Title: Day Three...
Oops...nice if I could spell..."go" obviously (not "to," duh).
10 [Report This]Date: September 10, 2007 01:32 pm Title: Day 526...
Atta boy, James. Happy to hear that you're really hung like a horse. To get 'em, tiger. We're pulling for you.
Author's Response: Hmm. Horse. Guess I kind of built it up a little there...How about "Shetland Pony?"
Date: September 10, 2007 07:02 am Title: Day Three...
Because it's all LJ and we're allowed to have comment-threads of nonsense -
OK, you know what, you're right, you probably wouldn't get much of a job if you're drunk, drugged and dead. Or maybe it's because you're not on drugs that you have a problem, here. [If you want drugs, there was this man at Poor Richard's selling 'em, and he says he works at a paper company. Old guy, balding, and he looks kind of insane? You may know him.]
Or just get your shit together and try to look happy, or something. One day you may end up having to act all the time, you never know. Better start training now.
Author's Response: Wait, that sounds like...Uh, never mind. Thanks for the tip. As for getting my shit together, I'd have to have a damn good reason to pretend to look happy...
Date: September 10, 2007 02:57 am Title: Day…I don’t know what fucking day it is and I don’t care…
Oh, man, you depress me. I hear there's an opening somewhere in Cumberland Mills? Come on. Better pay, and soft-shell crab, and who doesn't want either of those? Think about it. You're not going anywhere here.
If not, at least use that against Dwight in some way.
Author's Response: Haw. That's funny. I can barely bring myself to type this, and you want me to print out a resume, send it, follow up with a phone call, schedule an interview, and then try and sell my qualifications for another job in the paper business...Dude. What're you on and can I have some?rnrnWait...Holy shit, I think I just laughed out loud for the first time in three months.rnrnWow. Thanks.