Date: December 08, 2007 08:09 pm Title: Crescendo
I like your story, but I'm not a fan of giving reviews that are just completely "I liked this..." So I'm going to give you some constructive criticism, take it or leave it (I am a grammar nazi).
1) You don't really SHOW very much, you more TELL. You need to look at what you're trying to say, and instead of saying something along the lines of "Jim cried because he was so upset he lost Pam's friendship," you could say something like, "Tears fell down Jim's face at the memory of he and Pam's friendship." It says the same thing, but it's more mature and makes for easier reading.
2) You start this story in one tense and end it in another.
3) You tend to have really choppy sentences. You talk in short sentences. You should talk in longer ones instead.
When you say everything you want to say in longer sentences, the reader feels more involved and doesn't miss as much. Hard to explain.
4) There= place (i want to go there, there is a box on the table)
Their= plural possession (thier house, their car)
They're= they are (They're going to the movies)
Nothing annoys a reader more than the above being mixed up.
I like your story, and especially the premise, but honestly, when I see a lot of grammatical mistakes it ruins a story for me, and that was very close to being the case with this one.
Sorry if that's harsh, but I hope you find it helpful.
-AG
Author's Response:
Thank you so much for this review. I always like reviews that are harsh. They really help me to improve my writing. I want to thank you for all your reviews.
The whole there, their, they're thing I usually try to watch out for when I am writing, but sometimes I do miss them.
Thanks for all the info, I will try to use it in my next fic.
Date: December 06, 2007 01:07 pm Title: Crescendo
this is so raw and open, i love it :)
Date: December 06, 2007 04:46 am Title: B Flat
i lovee these two additions! they are beautiful, just like your drawings! [:
Date: December 05, 2007 05:13 pm Title: Arpeggio
moreeee!
this is just beautiful! really, it took my breath away :)
Date: December 05, 2007 03:14 pm Title: Treble Clef
this is outrageously adorable. And I love this Alternate Universe where Pam falls for Jim first.
10 [Report This]Date: December 05, 2007 02:04 pm Title: Arpeggio
Awesome! Great sketches too! MOREEEEEEE...
Author's Response: Thanks. I'm glad you liked the sketches. The new chapter should be up today or tomorrow.
Date: December 05, 2007 12:55 pm Title: Arpeggio
Great story! Please continue.....
Author's Response: I have a few more chapters to go. I;m glad that you're liking the story.
8 [Report This]Date: December 05, 2007 06:25 am Title: Arpeggio
Oooo! I like the whole piano idea, different and sexy. Also, love the dress drawing!
Author's Response:
Thanks. I just thought there are so many stories that have a lot of description about Jim's hands, so i figured i would try one. Instead I started thinking that he would be good at piano with those long fingers, so I wanted to write around that.
I'm glad you're liking the story.
Date: December 05, 2007 05:22 am Title: Arpeggio
i lovee these two additions! they are beautiful, just like your drawings! [:
Author's Response:
Thanks so much. Yeah I wanted to add more to the story.
I'm glad you enjoyed them and that you liked my drawings as well.
Date: December 05, 2007 05:22 am Title: Arpeggio
i lovee these two additions! they are beautiful, just like your drawings! [:
Date: December 04, 2007 11:09 pm Title: A Sharp
This is a nice little AU story. I like seeing their close friendship!
Author's Response: Thanks. But the next couple chapters is going to change the friendship.
10 [Report This]Date: December 04, 2007 06:17 pm Title: Treble Clef
great story!! More please.
Author's Response: next chapter should be up soon
Date: December 04, 2007 02:55 pm Title: Treble Clef
awhh i loved it! you have honest to goodness talent! i can't wait to read moree.
just a little tip - when you are writing, you almost always say Pam and Jim, and you don't say he or she.
what i mean by this is:
your writing now - "Pam look at Jim and smiled. Jim noticed Pam smiling. Jim smiled to himself too."
something like that. what you could so it
"Pam looked at Jim and smiled. he noticed her smiling. he smiled himself too."
hahaa, random sentence, but w/e
Author's Response:
Thanks for the info. I will try that in my next chapter.
I'm glad that you enjoyed the chapter.
Date: December 04, 2007 12:22 pm Title: Treble Clef
Very nice.
Also, I can beta, if you still need someone.
Date: December 04, 2007 10:26 am Title: B Flat
Great job! Please continue!
Author's Response: Thanks. Chapter 2 is now up. Chapter 3 should be up soon, depending on the studying i get done for exams.