Jim’s willingness and hesitancy came through so well at the beginning of the chapter. I feel like it can be such a challenge to write a transcript because a writer doesn’t have the benefit of all that descriptive narrative; the writer just has the dialogue. You, however, do such a good job of depicting Jim’s (and the other transcript participants) feelings that I don’t need all the extra stuff at the beginning. I also thought it was a nice touch to add that Jim suggests Abigail visit with Roy. The way he does it reminds us of what a good guy Jim is (providing Roy with a chance to tell his side) and also provides a nice hint for the reader that Roy is probably to get screwed later on. I feel proactively (right word??) awful for Roy, almost more so than Jim and Pam because you know it will work out for them. They may go through hell and get burned, but they will end up happy and in love. Poor Roy, though, will lose the woman he loves and probably become someone the documentary audience “hates.”

I so like reading the Pam-dialogue in this fic. You do such a great job of capturing her insecurities (the constant repeats of “it’s not much”) and her tendency to start thoughts and stop in the middle because she’s unsure of what to say or how to say it. You also perfectly show how Jim can hear both what she does and doesn’t say and can react appropriately to make her feel better … or to further her (and his) illusions about their relationship.

You also drew some really great booze cruise parallels here: Pam and Jim outside, alone, in the cold, Pam sensing something inside Jim she wasn’t ready to face, Pam claiming cold … But this time, Jim tries to speak up and Pam stops him. I really love that because, should you choose to address that episode, it could explain why he doesn’t try to stop her after she claims she’s cold. He’s been there before with her, in the cold and she didn’t want to hear it then. Why try to speak up a second time only to hear her say “no,” if not literally but figuratively? I like that you said she wasn’t expecting to see what she saw in his eyes. With regards to the booze cruise, if they are in that situation again, seeing that expression in his eyes shouldn’t come as such a surprise, which could make for an interesting scene. Although, if you choose not to incorporate that episode we still have a similar moment, and one that, I think, can stand alone without that episode. (I hope all that made sense! I feel like it’s really random…)

I also enjoyed how you likened Jim’s voice to the snowfall, “heavy and soft.” That’s such a great comparison. I’m a sucker for a good simile, especially one that fits so effortlessly and doesn’t feel forced. Your writing flows so smoothly!

I also had to go back and add that I totally and completely agree with Cousin Mose’s comment about the realism of the beginning of your chapters and the pure feeling of the second half. I can’t word it any better than it was already done :-)

I hope my long reviews aren’t too annoying :-) I’m loving this fic!!

Author's Response:

First of all, your long reviews aren’t annoying at all. They are full of really good feedback and makes me stop and think even more about what I’m putting down on paper.

I really was interested in what you said about the transcript format and the bareness of that. At first I thought that doing things like that was taking the easy way out…what with not having to put in description and thought and all of that other stuff. I found, though, that I really had to measure my words to make sure that all of the feelings were getting through. So, I’m glad to see that you picked up on that.

Ow.  Ow, ow, ow.  I feel a little guilty for being one of those vultures who would have desperately wanted to see that hug.  (And a proposal, while I'm at it....)

Author's Response: Lisa—You know what? I would have wanted to see all of it as well, so don’t feel guilty in the slightest. Thanks for your review.

The interchange you have here is great, particularly Roy, who I have always thought gets a bit of a bad rap...not a bad guy, just not the right guy. You really bring him to life in a great, human way. And crushing Jim's spirit like that with

"I keep messing up and you keep doing everything right and she’s still with me.”

Oh, man. Good work.

Author's Response: I don't know what it says about me that I like to crush Jim's spirit. Twisted, huh? Thanks so much for your review and I'm so glad that you enjoyed how I depicted Roy.

Great chapter - I feel bad for Jim, and Roy's revelation that Pam must really love him if she sticks with him had to be hard for Jim to hear, but you also managed to make Roy really sympathetic in that little heart to heart.

Author's Response:

I’m so glad to hear that Roy came across as sympathetic. He and Jim are never going to BFFs, but I think on a guy-level they understand each other. Thanks so much for your review.

10

awwwwwwwwwwwwwww poor jim.
i know roy didnt mean to be cruel but oh. i wanna cry for him. and then cuddle him

Author's Response:

I think we’d all like to cuddle Jim J  Thanks so much for your review.

Whew. You knocked me off my feet with this chapter, Mel. But in a good way. I had this knot in my stomach the whole time I was reading this, because I could see it so vividly in my mind. And it reminded me of the tension when Roy tried to attack Jim on the show. Good times. ;)

And yet, you haven't shown Roy as the beer-swilling oaf that so many others do. He's a regular guy, full of faults and weaknesses, but then, so is Jim. And it's nice that you're painting each of them with the same brush. Roy is no more an evil ass than Jim is a saint. They're just two guys who happen to have the same woman in common.

Excellent job, as always! 

Wow, this was hardcore! Can't wait to see what happens next!

Author's Response:

Thanks for your review. I hope the next few chapters don’t disappoint!

I've been lurking around MTT for a while now, meaning to join, but this chapter finally broke me down :-)

I so enjoy your take on the "reality" factor of these characters. In fact, it's something I enjoy about a lot of your stories. I'd love to see it addressed on the actual show. Because of the set up of the program, as fans and writers, we're offered a plethora of scenarios and possibilities you don't necessarily get in other shows. The places you're going here are great.

The framework as a study for a graduate student is a particularly nice touch. I love the set up for each chapter; it gives the reader a kind of "teaser" into what they're reading, effectively building our suspense. As a writing technique, I think it's fantastic.

I also think you're doing a good job capturing the various "voices" of the characters. I hear the phrase "in character" applied to a lot of fiction, some of which I'm not sure ... works for me, personally. In your case, however, I feel like you've captured the cadence and feel of Jim and Pam's on-screen voices. You've written these lines that I swear I could see/hear John and Jenna delivering. I can see their facial expressions and body language. Your dialogue in this story is great.

Finally, what prompted me to join and review ... The line, "I keep messing up and you keep doing everything right and she’s still with me," was phenomenal. Seriously. Really fantastic turn of phrase. It so neatly summed up Jim's insecurities and Roy's thought processes. The whole Roy and Jim fight was also really well done, and I'm glad to see you had them make up at the end. I don't like when Roy is made out to be some sort of complete, bumbling idiot; he's a smart guy, occasionally sweet, and, I think, genuinely loves Pam. But he doesn't, as Roy put it in this chapter, always "get" her like Jim does. I love that you had Roy acknowledge that. Additionally, the comment you had Roy make about how he says things without thinking about how they will sound and how he doesn't always know or understand why Pam gets angry.... pure genius. I'm just blown away by the insights you've offered here, and they're insights that apply, not just to the world you're creating in this story, but can also apply to the actual show.

Author's Response: Cedar—I can’t begin to write what your review meant to me…but I’ll try. I have to be honest. I was so completely unsure about this chapter. My outline only said “Roy and Jim fight”. I knew I needed to have some tension and doubt to set up what comes next. I was so very worried that the fight would seem out of the blue and out of character for both of the guys. I told myself, though, that a testosterone fueled sports show would be a good backdrop for that sort of thing to happen. That’s why I’m so relieved to see you articulate exactly what I wanted to show about both Roy and Jim’s characters. Thanks so much for that.I’m also so grateful for your comments about the “voice” of my characters. I really do try to hear them saying the things I want them to say and sometimes don’t think I hit the mark. Thank you so much for your feedback on that.Again, thank you so much for your review. It really helped set aside the doubts I had when I pushed the submit button for this chapter.

"I keep messing up and you keep doing everything right and she’s still with me.”  Game. Set. Match. Roy.   Wow.  *Bows to the goddess that is GiTC*

10

I love it. Keep writing. I love when I see that there's an update on this awesome story.

Beautiful blue ribbon by the way! Very well deserved. :)

10

Still loving this story! Can't wait for more updates!

Author's Response:

Thanks for your review, Mutey! Love your name, by the way.

oh no! roy and jim together??

Author's Response:

You know it!  Thanks for leaving a comment!

I like your development of the characters. great chapter

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review. I'm glad that you like how I've written the characters.