10 [Report This]Date: April 21, 2008 08:30 pm Title: The Surface of the Sun
I am really loving this story. It's got great humor and I love the way you're building the sexual tension. Can't wait for more, great job :-)
Author's Response:
Thank you! sexual tension is fantastic, but release is...hard to write.
Thank you for making my first time enjoyable! :)
Date: April 21, 2008 07:08 pm Title: World Domination
thank you sooo much for the image of Jim's lovely eyes and tan face! He can stare at me like that anytime!
Is Jim up for the challenge? Can't wait to find out. Loved the update...keep 'em coming! (hehe)
Author's Response:
Jim is ALWAYS up for the challenge. If only I could be doing the challenging...
No no no...thank YOU!
Date: April 21, 2008 06:47 pm Title: World Domination
Love their bantering in this chapter. Can't wait for more.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm trying...
Date: April 21, 2008 06:43 pm Title: World Domination
Okay, I'm forcing myself to stop reading and comment, lest I forget what I want to say!
(1): You do an excellent job here of capturing the voice of a girl Pam's age -- which ought to be easy to do but most decidedly is not (seriously -- good for you).
(2): I may or may not have grinned a little wider at David Wallace being Jim's boss.... (Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention about the previous chapter -- LOVE it that all the Office mates live in the same community; love it even more that they're protective of Dwight, even as they acknowledge his weirdness. ...So that was two things -- sorry 'bout that.) :o)
(3): Love the prank! And it's intriguing to see Jim portrayed this way -- just a hair too immature to deal with his feelings for Pam, so they manifest themselves in playground-esque pigtail pulling and such. :o)
(4) This is the English teacher in me talking, but you might want to go back and double check that you've punctuated all of your dialogue, because there are lines with no punctuation, which is a bit distracting. Watch out, too, for fused/run-on sentences and comma splices. (Again -- the English teacher in me talking. Be glad I didn't ask you to further explicate the symbolism in Larissa needing validation for her potato salad or something lame like that. :oD)
(5) It is so Jim that he calls her "bees" -- short for "bees' knees." Seriously. :o)
(6) It's hilarious (and very real) the way Pam vacillates between spewing venom about what a gigantic ass Jim is to completely giving herself away (i.e. "I wonder if he's good in bed" - hee). Again, that utter lack of self-awareness is so quintessentially a teenager. (I say this from the vantage point of a 34 year-old who remembers all too well what it was like....)
(7) I said it earlier, but it bears repeating: You just own the point of view here; by that I mean that the voice you present here is so consistent and spot-on. The analogy that comes to mind is Juno, but less hyper aware of her own quirkiness and thus a bit more believable. (No offense to Diablo Cody, of course.) ;o)
(8) I have to agree with Pam: the way you write Jim here is definitely as a smooth, charming son of a bitch. :o)
Nice job!
Author's Response: Wow. I just...WOW. This is such a fancy review! I'm sorry that I'm late on responding. I could not stop smiling after reading this! Every review makes me giddy, but this must've taken some time and I'm greatful.
Date: April 21, 2008 06:19 pm Title: The Surface of the Sun
Okay, first of all, I was totally flattered by your author's note -- like, am still smiling. :o)
Second of all -- love this premise! As other reviewers have mentioned, it's fascinating to consider how things might have gone down if Pam and Jim had grown up together -- and if she'd been close friends with his brother and not *him.*
And hee, the older ladies like for him to do their landscaping. I just bet they do.... :)
Terrific job here - and it's your first fic? Seriously? Whoa -- impressive. :o)
Author's Response:
I love love love your stuff and I am giddy that you wrote me a review! Now I'm the one that can't stop smiling...
Thank you so much! I really appreciate all of the kind words because of how nervous I was to post the first chapter.
It's definitely my first, but I'm hooked so it won't be my last.
P.S. i want Jim to do my landscaping. pun thoroughly intended.
Date: April 21, 2008 05:56 pm Title: World Domination
Niiiiiiiiiiiiice [/Kevin]. I love where this story is going! It's such a cool premise, and I love seeing the sort of cocky/asshole-Jim-with-a-sweet-underside you've got going here ;)
totally looking forward to the next update!
Author's Response:
Thank you! Sorry for the delayed response...I hope you are still reading it!
I heart Jim's sweet underside.
10 [Report This]Date: April 21, 2008 05:52 pm Title: The Surface of the Sun
I think this is really cute. Very diff to see Pam bff w/ Jon and not Jim although skinny dipping Jim might be just what she needs to switch brothers. Can't wait to read more!!
Author's Response:
Skinny dipping with Jim is a blast! I should know, we do it all the time...while I'm asleep.
Thank you!
Date: April 21, 2008 05:32 pm Title: World Domination
Suzy made Pam's lap wet, but Jim makes mine wet. TMI? I dunno. He's hot and dreamy, and I love this AU version of him! Keep up the fun!!
Author's Response:
I'm sorry that I am only getting around to thanking you now! Stupid real life gets in the way!
Jim makes mine wet too;)
Date: April 20, 2008 06:17 pm Title: The Surface of the Sun
Yeah for another AU Jim and Pam story... I'm always intriqued by these 2 characters in another time and place. Will there be any Jim POV?
It's lookin' good... I'd love an update!
Author's Response:
I'm definitely thinking about doing at least one chapter with Jim "telling the story" and maybe even Jon...
Thank you so much and I am working on the second chapter as we speak (type)...
Date: April 20, 2008 05:47 pm Title: The Surface of the Sun
i really like it so far! it's funny to think of jim being hot for Pam but a total jerk, it's funny
Author's Response:
Thank you!
I love your treehouse story! I'm an AU freak, especially young Jim/Pam. Theres just not enough out there!
Date: April 20, 2008 03:53 pm Title: The Surface of the Sun
Sooo good! I can't wait for an update. Please say you'll have one up soon! I love the whole dynamic of being neighbors and the Jon character. And the idea of Jim being a womanizing jerk is interesting and kinda...hot! I can't believe this is your first fanfic..it was a great read! Update soon!!
Author's Response:
I will hopefully have the second chapter up very soon. It takes a turn for smutville very soon because I'm impatient :) I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I'm having fun writing it. any suggestions?
Thank you!
Date: April 20, 2008 03:31 pm Title: The Surface of the Sun
This is brilliant!! I'm a sucker for AUs, and I totally love this already! The premise is wonderful and I loved the way you described all the characters. Also, the 1st person POV works for this story and you write it very well. It's very funny and I can't wait for the next part.
And Jon's so right. :P
Author's Response:
I love me some AUs as well. You are great for my ego! i kid, i kid... I'm so happy you like it because I was very nervous about doing this. I am working on the 2nd chapter now
Thank you for the warm welcome
Date: April 20, 2008 03:29 pm Title: The Surface of the Sun
I think this is a great start so far! My only piece of advice would be to proof read a bit more before you publish, just so you can catch the tiny stuff, like Jon using Pam's name more than once in a sentence (unless that was on purpose! :)) But aside from that, you have really great dialog and I'll be following this one to see where it goes!
Author's Response:
Thank you very much! I completely missed that mistake so...good call, I appreciate it. I'm working on the 2nd chapter right now. I have 6 written, but they all need to be read by a beta and re-worked by yours truly :)
I hope you keep reading and reviewing!
8 [Report This]Date: April 20, 2008 02:45 pm Title: The Surface of the Sun
This has the makings of a really good story and totally original to anything else i have read on Jim and Pam i have a feeling i am going to get hooked!
Hopefully theres a new chapter soon!
Author's Response:
I am working on the second chapter right now. By all means, get hooked!
Thank you for reading it :)
Date: April 20, 2008 02:25 pm Title: The Surface of the Sun
I'm intrigued...I like the idea of Jon and Pam as best friends. I can't say I've seen a story like this before with Jim on the outside of a close friendship with Pam (did that make sense?). I like it. I hope we get to explore Jim's personality a bit more. Will we be getting another chapter soon? Pretty please?
p.s. I would not have guessed this was your first fanfic.
Author's Response:
I ams o glad that you like it! I was so nervous posting the first chapter. I've been looking for a story like this for awhile, but couldn't find one, so I decided to just try and write it. I am tweaking the 2nd chapter as we speak, so hopefully I'll have it posted soon.
Thank you so much!!