10 [Report This]Date: May 22, 2008 12:12 am Title: Chapter 1
Absolutely breathtaking, gorgeous look at Pam's thought. The flow, and diction is flawless, and even if it's a little exaggerated for me, the way you put it into words was perfect.
Author's Response: Oh my, that kind of praise can go to a girl's head. I'll take it, though! Thanks!
Date: May 21, 2008 10:41 pm Title: Chapter 1
An art
teacher once told her to draw the space around an object,
but she can no longer see the unfilled space around him.
He's touched everything. Is everything.
That is unbelievably BEAUTIFUL...as is this:
She holds him a little tighter at night,
praying that she'll stop breathing long before his hands leave
her hair.
I don't know if I've ever seen poetry posted here...what a breath of fresh air this is. And again -- just gorgeous.
Author's Response: Thank you! You're so sweet to review. I'm glad you liked it :D.
10 [Report This]Date: May 21, 2008 04:48 pm Title: Chapter 1
This is just lovely! I really love some of your turns of phrase:
… gorgeous, stained glass window of a moment …
Brings a church-like image to my mind. Makes me feel how Pam reverences this relationship.
…Of car
wrecks late at night when the silky quiet is wrapped up between their laced fingers…
I love the juxtaposition of the harsh image of the car wreck with the soothinly beautiful silky quiet.
And the last verse is just gorgeous! So nicely done. You packed a lot of emotion into under 400 words!
Author's Response: I'm really, really glad you felt that way. Nothing makes me happier than stringing the right words together.
9 [Report This]Date: May 21, 2008 05:48 am Title: Chapter 1
Kestrel, this takes my breath away. Simply gorgeous. Now, with him, she’s been yanked into a fairy tale, and she’s so afraid she thinks her heart might burst because she has never done anything to deserve this much happiness. Brilliant.
Author's Response: Thank you!
Date: May 21, 2008 05:09 am Title: Chapter 1
First, I'm so impressed that you even attempted poetry here (you're braver than I, lol!) And even more so that what you made is so delicate and true.
...and no matter what that beautiful boy says or
promises, the threat of losing him presses like blades
through her insides.
So evocative. Referring to him as 'that beautiful boy' is especially poignant for some reason...and apt for her bittersweet awareness of how he feels about her. I also really liked the analogy of her inability to 'draw' the negative space around him.
And yes, that last line is lovely and better yet - just enough.
Author's Response: I definitely don't deserve such high praise, but your review made me ridiculously happy :D. I was definitely apprehensive about the format I posted it in - maybe it would read better as straight prose?
Date: May 21, 2008 04:37 am Title: Chapter 1
I really liked it. I said a silent "yes" to her missing her "dishwater life" (perfect description) with Roy. I understand that sentiment very well and you gave that the perfect touch. The last line is just gorgeous.
(I think you're missing a "be" after "might" in the second to last line in the first set.) ;-)
Author's Response: Thanks for catching that! And for being my first review! I was so nervous no one would like it.