1 [Report This]Date: November 26, 2018 08:52 am Title: the big meal (and day)
Technical part of the review first. There are some time things should be capitalized, "Bees, " instead of, "bees," for example. Those are names which always get capitalized. Same with Aunt or Uncle. There's a few run on sentences too where you're switching from narration to dialogue.
“Mhmm, very much so,” Pam said sleepily, taking her hand off his side to cover her mouth as she yawned, “want me to get up with you?” is an example.
It might read a bit better thusly. “Mhmm, very much so,” Pam said sleepily, taking her hand off his side to cover her mouth as she yawned. “Want me to get up with you?”
There are some other instances where something like that happens, but that one was short and easy to show as an example. Fixing issues like those is like adding the final polish to a good story. Just get it cleaned up, so the reader can enjoy the story for what it is.
Story and content part of the review now. Regardless of everything I just said, I did enjoy this look into Halpert Thanksgiving. Cece was adorable and Jim and Pam are connecting at their best. Holiday's are some of the best and yet most stressful times of the year and you brought that out. I also liked how you didn't shy away from Pam's family drama. It's 100% believable that something like that would happen and that Jim and Pam would need a walk alone to try and process it. Good on you for adding that.
All in all great job for your first fic. Can't wait to see more.
1 [Report This]Date: November 25, 2018 08:39 am Title: the trip
Welcome to MTT! This story was very sweet and a lot of fun. I like the very realistic situations you’ve integrated into this story, like Helene drunk dialing Pam and feeling lonely. I think pretty much every family ends up having to choose between one side or another at some point, so it was a nice (and sad) touch to ground the story. Looking forward to the next chapter!
1 [Report This]Date: November 23, 2018 07:02 pm Title: the trip
Oh I like where this is going! Poor Pam, that drive to Philadelphia sounds like a nightmare but I think your version of Cece is just adorable. She’s a daddy’s girl, and who can blame her?
I can’t wait to see what happens when everyone wakes up! :)
1 [Report This]Date: November 23, 2018 06:30 pm Title: the trip
Congratulations on your first Office fic! Welcome!
This was so sweet. Poor Pam! I do think her family probably has a little more drama than Jim's (I think this has a lot to do with some of the things we saw from her in canon. I look forward to where you are taking this story. Holiday fics are so fun!
1 [Report This]Date: November 23, 2018 06:04 pm Title: the trip
Good start to a heartwarming story. Cece acting and Helene drunk calling provided depth to it. I've said before one of the reasons I feel Jim and Pam resonate so well is that it's easy to see them as a real couple. You pulled that off with this chapter. Looking forward to reading more.