Date: February 19, 2019 08:07 pm Title: Chapter 14, Fancy new Beesly
This works much better than the single line format of the earlier chapters. Nice quick chapter here that's sweet and sexy at the same time. Well done.
1 [Report This]Date: February 16, 2019 05:58 am Title: Chapter 13, You're so Pretty
All in all I like it. When I first started reading this the one sentence per line was a little off. Personally I think just writing in paragraphs makes things easier to read. A lot of times there were similar ideas that probably could have been grouped together. Also there's a few times here and there that there's an out of place word. Spellcheck didn't catch it because the word is spelled correctly. So that's something to keep an eye on during proofreading.
As far as the story goes, its very good. Nice to see Jim pull his head out of his ass there after the non-fight. The fight with Karen was very easy to see as was Jim's reaction. Showing up in the nick of time to save Pam was great. I also liked that you just had Jim hold Roy off Pam, not meet force with extra force. I'm sure Jim could have ripped Roy apart there, Roy knew it, and so didn't try to struggle. Good writing to convey that.
Then Jim taking care of Pam the rest of the night and next day was great. Very sweet and fluffy was to get them back together. The last chapter was nice and steamy as well. All in all good job.
Author's Response: Thank you! I’m thinking about ditching the one line format for future chapters. I’m really glad you liked the scene between Jim and Karen, I found that hard to write!
Date: February 16, 2019 05:44 am Title: Chapter 7, Legally Blonde
My only concern here is a matter of the timeline in cannon. In "The Negotiation" it looks like Roy goes after Jim at the end of a day on a Friday. Then the next Monday is when it appears Jim blows off Pam in the break room. I'm basing that off the look of the actual scene where Roy tries to fight Jim and the phone conversation Jan has with Toby and Micheal later where Jan says "last Friday." So the non-fight and Pam trying to apologize happened on two different days. Here you have them on the same day.
Now granted this is an AU and it's possible in canon that Pam tried to apologize the day of the fight. Just pointing that out. Here. Bigger review to come when I get to the end of the story though.
Author's Response: Yes, I think you are correct! My timeline is a little off, I should have made note that I altered to fit my story line.
Date: February 15, 2019 07:55 pm Title: Chapter 8, I Love You
Aw, this is sweet. I'm glad he told her he feels at home there, and I'm glad she told him how she feels.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review! d84;a039;
1 [Report This]Date: February 15, 2019 07:38 pm Title: Chapter 2, Just Wanted to Say Sorry
So, after two chapters, I'm enjoying the emotional beats, but it's very choppy because of the repeated single lines, which make it feel kind of like seeing glimpses of the action in a lightning storm, disconnected. I like what I'm reading, but it feels a bit abrupt.
Author's Response: Yes I would agree, I believe I am going to ditch the one line format in future chapters. I might go back and change the format of the first 13 chapters as well just so they all match up for future readers!