Date: March 20, 2020 07:25 pm Title: Chapter 1
Welcome! We are always glad to have new contributors and you'll find that this is a really welcome community.
I really liked how you described the atmosphere of the new office as Jim came in to his first day. I can totally picture him walking into a full on Call of Duty session and thinking "wtf!" And I am curious to see how you handle Jim and Pam talking so soon after Casino Night, and what exactly they have in mind as a prank while also discussing/dealing with Jim's revelation and Pam's refusal. The great thing about fanfiction is that we can often turn canon on it's head and change the story as it was previously told. So I'm looking forward to you doing that here!
warrior and Jenna have already very eloquently given the same constructive comments that I would give myself. I am always in a hurry to share what I've written with everyone that I'll speed through proofing and found that having an extra pair of eyes look things over before I submit has been really helpful to me in the past. Maybe ask in the shoutbox if anybody would want to be a beta reader for you? I'm sure there is someone who would love to help!
Keep writing and updating, please! We love new members and new takes on the characters that we know and love. Can't wait to see what you have up your sleeve for us!
Author's Response:
Thank you for taking the time to leave a review
I really appreciate the welcome onto the site and am grateful for the constructive criticism I have been receiving as well as the advise. As I have mentioned in my other responses I do intend to take more time with the coming chapters as well as filling any plot-holes in regards to the cannon story line.
Thanks again for the welcome and the review.
Date: March 20, 2020 05:21 am Title: Chapter 1
Seconding what Jenna say about the technical aspects. Please take some time proofread or have someone else proofread for you. It'll make you a better writer. In addition to what Jenna said I also spotted a few time where verb tense switched back and forth between past and present, as well as some homophone type issues. "site" vs "sight" as an example.
Also Karen is usually though of to be of Italian descent not Hispanic. Just a little thing to clarify.
I also agree with Jenna that it seems odd that Jim would be so familiar with Pam so soon. His whole reason to be in Stamford is to get away from her. That's why it's such a big shock to both of them in canon when they have the phone call where he dubs her Fancy New Beesly. One gets the sense that's the first time they've spoken since Casino Night.
If Jim planned a long-distance prank on Dwight and Pam reached out to get in on it, I could see that working though.
Good on you for posting your first story though. It's a little rough what with all the grammar issues that have been discussed. Take your time, polish off the edges though and you do have a good concept. Hope that helps.
Author's Response:
Thank you for taking the time to leave a review.
I will make sure to take more time with the next chapter and proofreading, I have never been good with spelling and grammar but I will try my best in the future to improve it. That is after all part of the reason I decided to write a story to begin with.
I am really grateful for the welcome I have received onto the site and plan to continue posting.
Thanks again for the review.
1 [Report This]Date: March 20, 2020 01:06 am Title: Chapter 1
Welcome to fic writing! It’s nice to have you here!
There are a lot of great elements to this. You wrote Jim’s nervousness at the beginning really well. You also described the changes that Jim encountered in Stamford nicely.
From a technical standpoint, there were a few places where sentences started without capital letters that were probably needed to add a little more clarity.
I found it a little odd that Jim would casually be messaging Pam so soon after the events of casino night. Although, I do like the idea of them talking - that’s always good. I just can’t imagine they would be this casual with each other at this point in canon, especially after Jim has essentially moved because Pam has shot him down.
I love the premise here, that a prank on Dwight will someone solve things between Pam & Jim. I’m looking forward to seeing where you go with it.
Author's Response:
Thank you for taking the time to leave a review.
I didn’t have a firm idea as to where I wanted this story to go. I have been a fan off the fanfiction network for a while having never been good at finding new book series, and I got back into it after watching the office. This is my first fic and I just wanted to put something out there even though I have always really struggled with writing. I posted the first chapter prematurely as I felt if I didn’t do it then, I never would.
The Jim and Pam talking so soon was a bit of an oversight although I now plan on incorporating this in somehow, maybe he reached out via text to her after hearing about her calling off the wedding? I don’t quiet know yet with timing and cannon details.
Again thanks for the Review and I do plan on taking more time with the next chapter to avoid similar mistakes.