1 [Report This]Date: June 18, 2020 02:25 am Title: Chapter 3
The date was lovely! I’m glad they had some light moments, but also talked things out. I hope you continue to write here on MTT too!
1 [Report This]Date: June 17, 2020 10:59 am Title: Chapter 3
Awww ! What a sweet ending. Sad to see it end, though.
Any chance you’re up to write about the second date?
1 [Report This]Date: June 17, 2020 10:00 am Title: Chapter 3
Much better with the formatting. This makes it a lot easier to tell who's talking and what they're talking about. Yes, it takes a little more time to write it that way, but the end result is worth it by just adding that extra polish to the writing.
Kind of quick whirlwind of emotions on the date there. Cute and playful at dinner to intense and even angry in the park. I do kinda get it. There are a lot of underlying emotions going through everything. It's your first story here and you want to get out all the stuff you've got bundled up in your head. I get it. This does work, don't get me wrong.
I do wonder if you ever go down a first date story like this again, if you took a little more time, timeline wise with Jim and Pam, if you could get into some more depth. Lots of big emotions for the two of them. Seems to me that those kinds of emotional wounds will also take time to heal. So maybe expand on that. In "Fun Run," Pam did say they went out to dinner a couple times for her to help Jim through the breakup. So expanding on the next dates to see that healing process could be fun.
Now that's not to say I didn't like this story. I did like this story. It's cute and sweet. Jim and Pam finally getting together is always fun. Well done for posting and completing your first story. Looking forward to seeing what else you have to offer.
1 [Report This]Date: June 05, 2020 04:06 am Title: Chapter 2
I’m with Pam. It’s basically impossible to choose an outfit when the stakes are high.
I like her bouncing thoughts here. Very real pre-date jitters.
I love that you have Jim with rolled up sleeves. Nice touch. I like that they’re basically going through the same thought processes as they prepare for the date.
As a couple of others have commented, there’s a lot to be said for breaking up your chunks of text a little. Whenever a new person speaks, it should be on the next line. This really adds a great deal of clarity to any piece of writing.
A very sweet setup for their date. It was nice to have Jim present Pam with options and let her make the final call. A diner feels very them.
Date: June 05, 2020 03:38 am Title: Chapter 2
I agree with warrior4. I had a really, really hard time reading this because of the format. The long blocks of text lose a lot of the good dialogue and internal thoughts. It's so cute so far but hope the future chapters will be easier to read and really enjoy the details.
Date: June 05, 2020 01:18 am Title: Chapter 2
This was very cute. The fact they're both nervous about the date is incredibly endearing. However one gets the sense that despite the fancy clothes and flowers, they're still them and they're going to have fun finding their way back to each other.
Again the wall of text, for me, made it somewhat hard to read. I've often said to be a good writer, one should be a good reader. Next time you pick up a book, take a look at how the words on the page are laid out. Paragraph breaks give a lot of information as to who is talking, when they're talking, or some new important point is being made. Those subtle distinctions, for me, tend to get lost in just a wall of text.
Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback. I am rewriting the third chapter with that format right now.
1 [Report This]Date: June 04, 2020 06:05 pm Title: Chapter 2
The last first date either of them have....my heart is so full. This was a sweet update!
1 [Report This]Date: May 30, 2020 03:37 am Title: Chapter 1
aw i love it
1 [Report This]Date: May 29, 2020 04:38 pm Title: Chapter 1
First off the technical side of my review. It would be easier to read if every time you have a new person speak, to make it a new paragraph. The double spacing does help, but it's still a block of text that can be a little hard on the eyes of the reader.
Other than that, I loved this. As others have said you did a great job of getting into the character's heads so we see what they're thinking. Jim's vision of his life in 10 years was adorable.
Pam's frustration at missing her shot with Jim was bittersweet. Bitter because in the moment Pam doesn't know he's almost outside the door. Sweet because as a reader we know what's coming so the anticipation is exciting.
Then their return to banter at her desk. Just a lovely image.
Welcome to MTT. Great job for posting your first fic. Looking forward to what else you come up with.
Author's Response: Thanks for the advice and I appreciate the feedback. Excited to continue writing on MTT
1 [Report This]Date: May 29, 2020 04:00 pm Title: Chapter 1
Yeay! A first date story. My fave
I love this chapter, I like that we get to see both view points. Can’t wait to read more.
1 [Report This]Date: May 29, 2020 02:46 pm Title: Chapter 1
So cute! I love that you got into their heads in all of the little places that we didn't get to see. Jim looking in the mirror and not liking what he sees was so powerful. Welcome!
Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback. The main reason I did that scene was because I always wondered Jim’s thought process when he decided to grow back his hair in between 3 and 4. Thanks for the feedback on that scene.
1 [Report This]Date: May 29, 2020 02:42 pm Title: Chapter 1
Oh this is just lovely! I love everything Jim pictures when asked about his future.
“I turn around to the bustling streets of New York City and walk away from the past 6 months to ask out my future to a date.” This line is so great - a perfect way to wrap up Jim’s time with Karen.
Poor Pam. You write her sorrow about losing Jim to New York and Karen so well.
“But before they burst out of my beating heart that he can certainly hear, I respond with a “yes”. The imagery in this line is great. I always love a different take on their thoughts in this iconic scene and I feel like you did them justice.
The ending was super sweet. A truly lovely start to your first fic. Thanks for sharing it with us. Welcome to MTT!
Author's Response: Thank you very much for all the feedback. I am very happy to join MTT. One of the reasons I believe Season 3 is such a well written season is how Jenna Fischer portrays Pam. The looks of longing and sadness make it so powerful, and I really wanted to include that in this fic. Thanks for the feedback on that.