Date: March 16, 2007 11:05 am Title: Memories
I love the secret! But why wouldn't he tell Karen? Is it because he doesn't love her and never will and doesn't want to share more with her than he has to? (Whoops, pull back, Kev!) But it's great! I'm enjoying your story.
Couple of things a beta probably would have found:
It should be "he" instead of "him" for his friend and him had been walking along the tracks. Also "he and his friend" sounds better to me than "his friend and he". I'm not sure if one order is correct and one isn't, but if you say "his friend" first, then the mind immediately has to say "whose friend?" until you get to the "he".
Unless Jim's friend's name is John, you referred to Jim as John.
Anyway, very nice!! I'm going to submit this review, then go look at your pics.
Author's Response:
Hum, why hasn't he told Karen. Your reason is as good as any. I think I have a reason in my head, but I haven't quite written that aspect yet... maybe I will explain it more, I dunno.
In regards to the he/him/friend stuff, that is how we were always taught to write it... not sure if it is correct, but yeah, it was using that phrasing and order and stuff like that. i always thought it sounded strange, but that is what my 3rd grade teacher taught us. who knows.
And yes, I named his friend John. Because I like the name John, and yeah. :)
Thanks so much for all your reviews, each one totally brightens my day!