Date: September 26, 2020 10:34 pm Title: Chapter 4 - It was time to go back.
I’m always delighted to see another take filling in the blanks and the aftermath of the job. In particular, I really liked your Karen chapter. I think Karen had so much more potential than we really saw in the show. Your characterization of her felt very believable - the break up was definitely sympathy inducing, although completely inevitable also.
I think you did a great job coming up with the prank ideas! I could totally imagine Jim giving those a go and causing Dwight all sorts of angst. Your phone call between Pam and Jim, with the Dwight twist earlier on was also a nice touch.
“I’m not much of a lottery player, I prefer to waste my money on unnecessary overnight trips to NY and expensive, non-refundable plane tickets I don’t use.” This line had me laughing.
I’m curious to see your take on what’s to come!
Date: September 24, 2020 09:22 pm Title: Chapter 4 - It was time to go back.
I appreciate the attempt to put Jim leaving Karen in New York in further context. Honestly, I'm not sure there's a way around that scuffing his white suit of armor - he's just not a great boyfriend to women not named Pam Beesly. But I think having him acknowledge that he's made a hash of this and left them without good options is helpful.
I liked the touch about him sending the camera crew off on a fool's errand, and I thought the prank about making Dwight accidentally dial Kelly was darn funny - the sort of thing you could really imagine Jim doing on the show.
Adding his vision of the future at the Fairview rest stop was creative, and does at least explain why he makes Pam drive more than halfway to get proposed to. I mean... it is worth noting that the drive he's making in Weight Loss is the reverse of the drive he's making in The Job, and that there are fun things to do with that from a writing perspective.
Yes, Jim's had a few bad break-ups where he has not come off smelling like roses. But who does in a break-up? Someone always gets hurt right. Coughlin's Law: All things end badly, or else they wouldn't end. (If this is new go watch Cocktail for further reference - and did I just give away my age?)
But yeah, I tried to justify the coldness of the breakups for him. Jim, being so hurt himself when it happened to him, must have had some regrets about his actions when he was the one doing the rejecting. But I also wondered how Karen got home. Amtrack, I suppose.
In some of the fan fiction I've read there is not a lot of mention of the cameras but I think those cameras are such a big influence on all their actions and reactions I feel it's important to include it in my narrative. Can you imagine having your life recorded - It has it's payoffs but a lot of the time, it's gotten in the way. In many ways I think it's at fault for the false stops and starts and missed opportunities for JAM so just as in the show, it is a character in my story. You get it- I've read your stuff, you play to the idea of the cameras, too. And it's so good.
Thanks for pointing out what you like. There's nothing better than the pay-off when someone else takes note of something you loved to write in. And when I hear you could imagine it on the show, well that's music.
LOVE the idea about the Job and Weight Loss being a study of a tale that can be told from the reverse. Ok, here I go with another recco...if you haven't already seen it. The Last 5 Years (the play but the movie ok, too) story of a love affair told from 2 directions -her from the end to the beginning, him from the beginning to end and they meet in the middle. But you should put your idea up as a challenge or write on it yourself. I'd love your take on it.
I appreciate all your feedback - THANK YOU again for your continued reviews. I enjoy reading every bit.
Date: September 24, 2020 06:38 pm Title: Chapter 4 - It was time to go back.
I like the breadcrumbs in the end notes a lot better. If someone wants to look them up, they're there, but now they're not distracting from the narrative.
Speaking of that, let's dive in shall we? Great introspection on Jim's part. I really like that his mind hearkens back to the Booze Cruise here. How hard breakups are for him. How different the emotions are this time around. It's almost as if all this thinking is a warm up for the conversations that will come with Pam. There's some serious emotional baggage to unpack there as well, so all this thinking seems like a great way for him to start getting in that headspace.
Jim singing along with the radio and not knowing some of the lyrics was just good fun that made me laugh out loud. Comfect, if you're reading this review, you still hold the title of getting those around me to look at me crazy-like due to sudden insane-type laughter. My ambulance partner had headphones in so she didn't even flinch this time around. Sorry Maxine, maybe next time. Not that that bit wasn't funny, it was, just bad circumstance that I didn't get a crazy eye directed at me due to your great line.
I also love that Protective Jim is already starting to show up. He knows the first steps of this relationship with Pam are going to be important and thus need protecting. His commentary about the various pranks fits that bill great. I hear you when it comes to writing new pranks. There's already so many great ones in canon, how do you come up with something new? Though that perfume under the chair one is a real treat. Likewise the pre-planning for the Christmas wrapping paper fall apart desk. Nicely done.
Also lovely use of foreshadowing there with the rest stop. I was kind of expecting his soda to explode all over him while watching the family from Texas. A fun story to tell Pam. But this was also really sweet. A glimpse of things to come and I love every bit of it. Get going Jim. Your future is ready and waiting for you in beautiful pink cardigan and a pair of kind green eyes.
What an amazing reviewer you are. I now look forward to posting day to get your take on the chapter. The smile on my face when I read your thoughts is as big as Pam's when Jim busts through the conference room. You pick up on and comment on the little nuances I sprinkle in and the way you speak to the moods and voices in the chapter is a treat for this author to read. It does help me shape things to come and in the case where I've already made headway into writing the next chapter, and you comment on things you haven't even read yet, it makes me know I'm on the right path. Especially knowing what a good writer you are and how in tune you are with the characters.
I also appreciate your honesty and hope you will call me out when something is not quite right, like with the breadcrumbs.
I can't tell you how many times I've had a narrative going only to re-watch a scene to get the dialogue or descriptions right to find that something I forgot that makes it implausible or incorrect in the canon. This gas station scene was no exception. It looks like they will have to make another stop there before season 5. And you can't believe how much I studied google maps for the route from NY to Scranton. I'm a NYC expat so I've even driven those roads myself and have been frustrated driving in Jersey but always stopped for gas before hitting the GW Bridge toll...now where I live, I always have to pump my own.
I'm going to have to look up Comfect and read his stories when I have time. I always appreciate a good laugh. But now you've given me a challenge and I have a few ideas.
I love Jim pranks...and I felt I could not just borrow from show. Coming up with the new ones took the most time but once I had a few I couldn't decide which one was best so I used them all. I'm thinking each will appeal to different readers. I did keep one in my pocket that may take some doing to work in somehow but we will see if it ever has a place as the story takes shape.
Anyway, all this to say THANK YOU for being a great reviewer and great fan.
Date: September 17, 2020 05:13 pm Title: Chapter 3 - Here we go.
OOOOF. That ending. Man, what an awful weekend for Karen.
I like this take on the conversation. I've read a lot where Karen is saintly and prepared to step aside for true love, and a lot where Karen is furious and ready to let him have it, but I do think it makes a lot of sense that Karen, having already made a bunch of sacrifices to make this work, would want to go down fighting for the relationship.
I also love the description of Kelly as "living in the on-screen adaptation of the Jennifer Weiner novel she happened to be reading that week." Very apt.
(I also want to second the suggestion that you drop the episode number references - I think it'll help keep folks in the story a little better, and for this audience I don't know that it's necessary.)
Thanks for reviewing. I really love to hear what everyone else is thinking and the feedback helps me develop future chapters.
I never got the sense Karen was ready to step aside - I always saw her as digging in her heels and fighting to keep him. But, yeah, her weekend kinda sucked didn't it?
It's great to hear specific examples of what resonates with readers, helps me know what works and what doesn't so thanks and if you continue to review please keep that up.
Give me the good and the bad, I can take it (even though I got a "Needs Improvement" on my Kindergarten Report for takes Constructive Criticism Well and still remember it years and years later -what does that say?)
Speaking of which, I've taking the advice made the decision to move the episode number references to the end of closing notes. That way those who know can simply ignore them and they don't detract when inside the story. Thanks for pointing it out. I may wind up giving them up completely by the end.
Thanks again and hope to see more reviews from you.
Date: September 16, 2020 07:58 pm Title: Chapter 3 - Here we go.
I guess I’m Scrooge because I didn’t have any sympathy for Karen. Yes Jim should have told
her about Pam before she moved to Scranton, however, after she found out that Jim had feelings for Pam Karen made the choice to stay with him.
She even clung onto him like a teenager with a crush. It was pathetic.I also didn’t like Karen because she acted like a arrogant snob,
and brought out that same negative quality in Jim.
Karen wanted Stamford Jim, not Scranton Jim, which was the real Jim.
Karen let herself get heartbroken by Jim.
I do think you are doing great with the story
and I’m looking forward to the next update.
Author's Response: Thanks for taking time to review. I so enjoy seeing perspective from other fans and readers. Sorry I couldn't make you feel even a bit sorry for Karen. As mentioned, I myself never did watching show, only in having to get in her head to write her did my pathos grow for her. But you NAILED it identifying Stamford versus Scranton Jim and that is addressed somewhat in future chapters. And her clinginess, hope that has come through for you in previous and this chapter. Glad you are nevertheless enjoying the read and hope you stay with me, lots more to come.
Date: September 16, 2020 07:44 pm Title: Chapter 3 - Here we go.
Karen's problem has always been one that sadly she has no control over. She's just not Pam. On paper, she's right. She's a great catch and anyone should be lucky to be in a relationship with her. Sadly she came in at a time when Jim was hurt and vulerable. Not Jim at his best to be sure. When Jim is at his best I have no doubt he wouldn't have let the relationship get as far as it did. See his reaction to Kathy down in Florida.
All that said, you did a great job of getting into Karen's mindset here. Everything she was hoping for and thought there was a reasonable chance of achieving. The actual breakup here is heartbreaking. She's tried and this is her last chance attempt. Her Casino Night if you will. You can tell Jim hates that he's hurting her here. Which of course makes it worse. Great writing to bring all that out.
Thanks again for reviewing, Warrior, especially now (and huge congrats again). I look so forward to your commentary after each chapter. You have a real vision and understanding of the characters and I appreciate your insights. Getting your take is so valuable to me in process of editing/writing future chapters. Seeing if I've resonated with you has become a sorta beta test for me. If I don't, I'll know I need to revise and/or get it across in subsequent chapters.
She's just not Pam... she could be for someone else but for Jim she'll always be the solid, but generic model.
HATED Kathy! I actually wished he had thrown her out on her a$$ sooner!
Thanks again, now go enjoy those munchkins.
Date: September 11, 2020 08:35 pm Title: Chapter 1 - “All Right. Then it’s a date”.
I really like this so far excited to see what comes up next
Author's Response: Thanks so much. As a first time author here I appreciate the encouragement. I've got lots of ideas to flesh out and been working through the next chapter which I hope to have up soon so stay tuned.
Date: September 11, 2020 06:59 pm Title: Chapter 2 - “I’m sorry, can you repeat the question.”
Lovely follow-up chapter. Again great job getting into Pam's headspace this time around. Loved seeing what was going on in her mind during everything.
And just like that Jim and Pam are not only together, but back to true form. I think you really nailed it that Jim knows Pam's humor and thus he can read between the lines. Good for her to make sure he knows she's kidding. Good way to start on real communication.
Along with that also nice that Jim makes it clear that he and Karen are done right from the off. I'm sure that's a big relief in Pam's mind. Her excitment during the rush home is lovely. You can feel her really coming alive. It's lovely.
And of course lots of fun the way they mess with Dwight. Great job.
Author's Response: Thanks so much. It's great to hear that you felt I addressed important issues, and that there was a good balance between real communication and their playful banter. It's so thrilling to get my first reviews - makes me excited to forge ahead with the story. I have so much to translate from my head to paper and so happy to share with other fans.
Date: September 11, 2020 06:51 pm Title: Chapter 1 - “All Right. Then it’s a date”.
Welcome to MTT and writing. The first date is always a fun place to start when it comes to a fic. Great introspection on Jim's part though all this. Loved getting his thoughts on everything.
I will say this though, I don't think you need to include the episode reference numbers. It kind of pulls one out of the story. Also most people around here are fairly well versed in Office canon and will probably be able to pick up on what your referencing.
Nice job for your first time out of the gate. Onto chapter two.
Author's Response: First thanks for your honest opinion on the "breadcrumbs" I was torn between putting them in or not and in my word version they are very small but couldn't figure out how to format them that way on the site. They came about because my "beta" readers were friends who have seen The Office but some not in years but were catching up her and there (one also because her teenage son had recently discovered it, too) and these would help them understand some of the references. I may reduce my use of them as I continue on, as you say most around here will be well versed. Thanks again for your input.
Date: September 11, 2020 06:37 pm Title: Chapter 2 - “I’m sorry, can you repeat the question.”
VERY Jim that even as he's preparing for his first date with Pam he's still finding a way to mess with Dwight.
Looking forward to seeing what you come up with next!
Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review. It fun to get into Jim's headspace and I have lots more ideas for it so please stay tuned.