Date: September 22, 2020 07:31 pm Title: Jim: Month Three
Well, congrats, because you managed to make me legitimately tear up on two separate occasions in one chapter - first with Pam telling Jim she can't watch him die, and Jim's exchange with Cece at the end.
I thought this chapter was really strong in demonstrating how disorienting what Jim is experiencing is - you're avoiding the trap of him just sort of knowing exactly what's happening with his body.
And, as always, in every universe, Jim and Pam can't quite communicate the way they should - very canonical.
Author's Response: I’m glad you liked it. This was one of the hardest chapters for me to write so I’m glad it turned out pretty well.
Date: September 22, 2020 03:26 pm Title: Jim: Month Three
That's dramatic. The stress is really piling on here. Jim wanting to let Pam out of the house, his pride and guilt that she has to take care of him so much. Then of course his guilt that he can't take care of Cece. It's all spinning round in a malestrom. The last bit with him staggering down the stairs with Cece in his arms is particually heartbreaking. Yes he's tried to find some strenght, but there's something very clearly wrong. Hopefully he'll be able to get some help soon.
Date: September 17, 2020 02:42 pm Title: Jim: Month Two
A lot of heavy frelings in the last few chapters, but I'm glad that things are looking up. Accepting not being ok is a great first step to a more positive outlook. You continue to do a great job of painting the emotional canvas in this story.
Author's Response: Thank you so much!
Date: September 17, 2020 02:10 pm Title: Jim In the Room
Oh man, stomach cancer is not a fun time. I'm hoping that they'll be able to look back on this and be glad for the appendicitis bringing that to light. I mean, cancer overall is not a fun time, but yeah, I digress. The emotions here were really heavy and raw, you really brought them out so well.
Date: September 17, 2020 12:38 pm Title: Pam Again
Oh man, that was a rollercoaster. From fever crazed Jim to does Cece have enough milk to emergency surgery, quite the up and down in moods. Again you do a great job of conveying their emotions, I'm just hoping everything turns out ok and we can get to the cute Cece visits dad in the hospital type stuff 😂
Date: September 17, 2020 12:27 pm Title: Pam
Nice use of parallels between the perspectives, showing how in tune Jim and Pam are at this point. Pam's sudden appearance is also explained, so that's a mystery tied up neatly! Looking forward to the next chunk of plot of what I've deduced from the chapter structure rings true!
Date: September 17, 2020 12:19 pm Title: Jim
You convey the raw emotion and confusion in this chapter really well, I could really relate to Jim's disorientation and spinning there. I'll admit that I was a little confused at how Pam showed up so quickly, but I guess we can chalk that up to an unreliable narrator in this case! Well done, nervously looking forward to catching up with the rest!
Date: September 16, 2020 07:27 am Title: Pam: Month Two
So heartbreakingly beautiful.
“Jim Halpert is brave and intelligent and kind even in the midst of his own despair.” Not sure why, but that line stood out to me a lot and think it’s captures the essence of Jim really well, especially with Pam.
Well done, again.
Date: September 15, 2020 07:59 pm Title: Jim: Month Two
Just read this whole thing in one sitting! Wow, what a start at MTT. Welcome! And I’m so impressed that your first story with us is dealing with such a heavy and serious topic.
I enjoy seeing each of their perspectives! You wrote in the first one how Pam was wondering if it was her psychic link that made her visit Jim at the office that day, and that’s how the similarities in their perspectives felt to me as I read this. They’re so attuned to each other that they’re mirroring the others experiences even as they’re apart and dealing with this separately.
And I want to encourage you to keep writing this story—your story!—the way you want to and the way you plan it. You do a great job with the mirroring perspectives and I find it interesting to see the little details between the two that have changed and what has stayed the same. Again, this is your work and you are doing an excellent job with writing it the way you have been and (I’m assuming) have intended! I’m sure you know that you should only change it if you want to and not at the behest of anybody else. Just wanted to offer that encouragement from me to you, and again to say thanks for joining us at MTT! It’s so intimidating to join an fandom specific site that has such an active community AND with such a serious departure from what we see in the show, but you’re doing it well and I’m exited to see where you take it! d84;a039;
Author's Response: Thank you so much! This is really encouraging! I really appreciate it.
Date: September 15, 2020 05:30 pm Title: Jim: Month Two
Great job of setting up the moment. Jim's pride in wanting a good weekend to not be ruined, Pam just wanting to help, the blow-up. Yes they're yelling, yes they're angry, but they're still together. Even through it all, they stay together and they work it out. They're not giving up. I love that.
Date: September 15, 2020 05:23 pm Title: Jim: Month One
The mirror image chapters do help in getting each other's points of view on the same events. If I had to offer a minor critique it's that while I'm sure Pam and Jim have very similar thought processes, they are still seperate people who think differnent ways even about similar events. Jim likes sports so having his though processes run via sports metaphor might work. Pam is an artist, flashes of color whirling before her eyes might feel appropriate.
So last chapter could have been described by Pam as starting out in white ice due to feeling frozen in place transitioning to fire red rage as she destroys the kitches, mellowing to low blue as she cries into Jim's chest.
Likewise here Jim might think he's stuck on the sidelines of his own house. Everyone else is out there running up and down the court while he's sitting on the bench. Now since he's up first it's his turn to really get in the game and show Pam he's still got what it takes. But somehow right when he goes to make the winning shot, he's screwed up and sinks the basket but for the other team.
See what I mean? Same events, same people, different perspectives.
Again this is just a suggestion. I did like this chapter in that it gave us Jim's thoughts and his side of the story. Feel free to use or not use anything I've said. Onto the next chapter.
Author's Response: That is an excellent point. I will definitely try to incorporate that!
Date: September 15, 2020 03:49 pm Title: Jim: Month One
Another thing I've found striking about this story is that it's very Jim-Pam, both in the sense of the strength of their bond and the love they have for one another and how much they rely on each other, and also in the less positive sense that no matter what happens and how much they care they still struggle to communicate.
Date: September 15, 2020 10:54 am Title: Pam: Month One
That's one helluva way for Pam to react. Though it does make a lot of sense. She's been feeling the need to do everything for a long time now. And now when she wants to really get ahead even those plans are derailed. Kinda figured something would need to break. Tough for her to go through, but this also feels like the relief valve finally being let open. Good for her on that regard.
I also like that despite being sick himself, Jim is still doing his best to hold up things too. Good job Jim.
Date: September 14, 2020 07:24 pm Title: Pam In the Room
Great writing to show the anguish Pam is under. That the weight of everything she's carrying, everything she's not telling people is crushing her. Then that moment she can finally let go of it to Jim and he just pulls her to him and she can finally relax. He's there for her. She's there for him. The road ahead will still be hard, but they're going down it together.
Author's Response: Thank you!
Date: September 14, 2020 05:17 pm Title: Jim Again
This is a chapter I thought really showed the value of the dual points of view - getting to experience Jim's side of the delusion retroactively strengthens Pam's side quite a bit.
Author's Response: I’m having so much fun with the dual points of view! I’m glad you enjoy it!
Date: September 14, 2020 04:31 pm Title: Jim In the Room
Well that took a turn. Really like that the office is there to help them out. I can very easily see Pam reacting like this. Keeping everything close to the chest. Communication is an issue both she and Jim have always had and this seems in keeping. She'd want to internalize things.
Even though Jim's the one in the hospital bed I love that he's there to comfort her. It works too. For her to see him, hear him, and especially hear him say those words I'm sure is a huge relief. I'm sure it's tearing Jim up too.
I just love that even through all this, they're there for each other. Great stuff there even in the midst of everything going on.
Date: September 14, 2020 07:04 am Title: Pam Again
Very dramatic to be sure. Not sure how much you'd like me commenting on the medical aspects of everything so I'll hold off on that. I really like that through everything Pam's still by his side. She knows he's not really himself so she's just still there. I love that. Despite anything going on, they're both there for each other.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! Yes I’m aware the medical side of things is a bit soft. I tried to do research and make it as real as possible, but I’m sure as someone with a medical background you can see some holes! Bare with me as I learn how to write those kinds of things better! I hope you enjoy the rest of the story!
Date: September 14, 2020 06:58 am Title: Pam
Quick thing about the ambulance ride. In general there's usually a crew of two on an ambulance so while transporting to the hospital there would be one driving and one in the back attending the patient. Mind you that's usual. However if this ambulance was training a new paramedic or had a student on board there could be a second person in the back attending the patient, so we'll just go with that. So actually not to bad in that regard.
Nice to have Pam's POV on everything here. You captured her feelings really well. Onto the next chapter.
Date: September 13, 2020 07:14 pm Title: Pam Again
Thank goodness! At the very beginning I thought “heart attack” and then I was like “please be appendicitis because they can probably fix that” and then Jim was hallucinating in the hospital and I was just going “Noooo!” This story is definitely an emotional roller coaster! I hate seeing Jim suffer but I really like your writing so it’s okay :’)