1 [Report This]Date: June 11, 2021 08:11 pm Title: Chapter 4 - Not enough for you
You packed a lot into that first paragraph. It said a lot that despite coming back, and even with a girlfriend, he'd still not fully unpacked, not sure after a half a year if he planned to stay. But to stay somewhere you have to be somewhere and up until tonight he wasn't really there.
Now you scared me by having his take a rest, but he got his s cond wind and what a sweet description, his whistling. And I like how you bring up the bit amount the money and what she had to accept as part of her choices.
The next chapter will be nice to see - keep it up. You've got a sweet story going here even with the angst in their past. The more you write, the more you find your voice.
Author's Response: That's such a nice way to put across, to stay somewhere you have to be there and he still wasn't, at least not until now. I am so glad you picked on little things I did there. It is such a compliment when writers like yourself, acknowledge work of some beginner like me. Thank you so much !!
1 [Report This]Date: June 11, 2021 07:02 pm Title: Chapter 4 - Not enough for you
Jim still not being unpacked after six months actually sounds a lot like a Girl7 choice, as is Jim joyfully getting WAY the hell ahead of himself.
The dialogue at the end is a nice touch, and I really appreciate you acknowledging that Pam's finances may well have been in a bad state post-Roy.
Author's Response: Thank you so much. I know expenses was truly something easily ignored but it's a real struggle added to what she has been through. Thank you for liking the part about being unpacked still. It was a risk I took if it would sound convincing enough. I really work hard on the dialogues because conversation is just not my forte, I am good at inner monologue so your words mean a lot :)
Date: June 11, 2021 05:41 pm Title: Chapter 4 - Not enough for you
It's angsty, but there's also more than a little hope shining through. They've both been through the wringer this year so it makes sense there would still be some underlying hesitation. Especially with his mini-montage of how everything has gone to this point.
It's been almost a year and Jim still hasn't unpack from the move back. I can see that. On the outside he puts on a mask of confidence, but there in private he's still reeling from everything.
Though the future is looking up that's for sure. Nice job.
Author's Response:
Thank you for the support. I was sort of taking a risk, stating that a person could stay packed 6 months in, but I have done that Being in a place which didn't feel like home, I was pretty much living out of a suitcase myself. I do agree that despite of his cool exterior, he did have some insecurities which only surfaced on few occasions , especially after Casino Night, he became better at pretending.