Story Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
He walked into his class. He towered over the other freshman. His clothes hung baggy on his tall, awkward frame. He took a deep breath in and sat down awkwardly, dropping his books in the process.
She was nervous. Her hair tied back into a ponytail, a mess of curls. She had played with it continuously all morning. After taking it down and up about a hundred times, she gave up and told herself for about the thousandth time she wasn’t there to impress anyone, but she couldn’t help but feel antsy.
“Dude, you gotta try out for the basketball team this year. You’d be good and we could get coach to give you a recommendation.” He smiled, “Yeah, I’ll think about it.”
“Pam, you should really think about putting this into the show this year. This is incredible.” Pam blushed, “Thank you, but really. I can’t. I dunno, I have this thing about showing people my work.”
He felt good in his jersey. After the game, Jeanine came up and touched his arm, “You did really great today, Jim.” He felt blood rush to his face, “Thanks a lot.”
She sat outside the school waiting for her ride. The cold air pricked at her face. She heard a deep voice, “You need a ride?” She turned around and blushed.
“Would you, ever want to go to get a bite to eat or someth—“
“Yeah! Definitely!” Jeanine smiled.
Pam walked out of the restroom, and looked around at the emptying auditorium. After searching the stands, she walked outside and braced herself in the freezing weather. She looked around, but didn’t see Roy. She began to feel her eyes well up with tears. He had left her there.
After another long, bubbly phone conversation about what Jeanine had bought at the mall, Jim rubbed his face in his hands. “I don’t think this is working, Jeanine.”
Megan had told her not to pick up the phone, but she did against her better judgement. “I am so sorry, Pam. I would never do that on purpose, see what happened is—“.
“You’re not taking anyone to prom?”
“Nah, I think I’m just gonna stay home. I don’t like the whole dancing, dressing up scene or any of that stuff. Plus, I don’t want to spend that kind of money on some suit I’m going to be uncomfortable in the whole night… I dunno.”
“’Cause I know this chick that really wants you to take her.”
“No, man, seriously. Thanks though.”
Her mom had spent over two hours doing her hair for prom looking at pictures in a prom magazine she had picked up. She had to look hot. This was the night, the night she was going to lose it to Roy. She was so nervous her hands were shaking.It was going to be perfect.
He got into the University of Scranton.
“Beesly, where you going again?”
“Oh, um, I think I’m going to Marywood University.” She smiled.
“Oh, you’re not leaving Scranton?”
“Uh, no. I figure since Roy’s not going to college, and my family’s here—“
“Oh, yeah, totally. Well, good luck!”
He walked into the dorm. Centerfolds ripped from playboy were already plastered all over the walls. Jim set his bags down and looked around, “Nice decorating already. I’m impressed.”
The tall, dark-haired guy laughed and reached out his hand. “I’m Mark, you must be Jim?”
Pam let out a loud sigh as she opened the mini refrigerator there school had cheaply provided and saw her cup-o-noodles were all missing again. She turned around and stepped toward her bed as she stepped on Margerie’s wet towels and dirty clothes.
“Jim, it’s been three months, and I know you said you wanted to wait, but I figured it’s our three-month anniversary. We should celebrate. So, I got you a little present.” She smiled and took out a lacy bra and underwear.
Jim forced a smile, “Yeah, um. I don’t know, Kristen. I know this seems ridiculous to wait so long, I just—“
“No, I think it’s cute. Seriously. But I think it’s been long enough don’t you? I mean, you can only stay a virgin in college for so long. It’s cute and all at first, but do you seriously think that you’re gonna be able to hold out until marriage or something? That’s kind of far-fetched.”
Jim smiled, “Uh, yeah, I guess you’re right.”
She heard a knock on the door. Pam opened it, “Oh my God! Hey! I didn’t know if you had died or somethi—“
Roy laughed, “No, God you look hot.”
Pam’s smile faded a little. “Ah, so that’s why you came.”
“No, baby, I came for you. Well, the real question is…do you want to come for me?” He started laughing.
Pam gave a tight smile.
“Jim, don’t get so upset. I mean, did you think we were honestly going to get married or something?”
“Um, no, but I figured that you might be able to wait until we broke up to have sex with one of my friends. Really, Kristen, really?? You’re unbelievable.”
“Oh my God. You never wanted to have sex with me! I liked you and all, but the whole sex thing… I mean you were a fucking virgin until you were like what, 20?! Who does that?? You’re too fucking sensitive, Jim.”
Roy rolled over and laid back on her pillow, the lights outside the building showed the sweat on his chest. He gazed up at the ceiling and then turned his head to look at her, “Pam, I know we’ve had our ups and downs. I know I’ve been a jerk sometimes, I’m not denying that. But, I want you to know that I love you. Seriously, and I wanted to ask you—“ Pam’s heart started beating rapidly. “Will you marry me?” Pam’s eyes welled up with tears.
Jim walked into his new house and set down a couple of cardboard boxes he had used to put the few pictures he had in. “So this is it?”
Mark walked in and set down a television. “Yep, this place is going to be a fucking awesome place to have a party.”
Jim laughed.
“Roy, I just don’t understand why—“
“Pam, it’s not that big of a deal, you’ve been living at home anyway.”
“I know, because I had to! I wasn’t getting married. I just thought, I dunno, that’s what engaged couples do. It’s like we’re still dating.”
“It’s just until I can get this job, if I get this job at the warehouse then we’re all set, baby. Don’t worry about it, I got it covered.”
“James, I don’t understand why you couldn’tve finished your last year?! That doesn’t, I just, I can’t fathom why you couldn’t have held out one more year.”
“Mom, I just—I never felt like I should’ve been there in the first place. I still have no idea what I want to do. I just felt, I dunno. I got a job at a music store manager, so I mean that should hold me up until I get a better job. Mark is making twice as much as me, he said he would help me out some.”
Pam typed out her resume. She had never had to do this and she wondered if she was even doing it right. She smiled as she thought of how soon, she would type her name Pam Anderson. She laughed, thinking about how the office managers would react to Pam Anderson applying for a job there. Maybe she should change it to Pam Beesly-Anderson? Hmm. Cute.
“Dude, I know you’re making some good money at this music place, but you gotta help out a little bit more.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I’m trying to get promoted, but they had this new guy come in and—“
Mark frowned, “Just, try, okay?”
Pam ran up to her mom, who had tears in her eyes. Her cap got in the way and hit her mom in the face. They both started laughing.
“Can you believe it?” Her mom looked at her proudly, “My baby’s grown up.”
Pam smiled, “Mom, come on. Don’t cry, you’re ridiculous.”
Mark came in to his room holding a paper with a number on it. “Alright, I think I got you a job. This guy I know has an uncle that works for this company, they have an office here in Scranton. They have a job open in sales, which you’ve worked in before right, you could pull this off. I mean you were majoring in business or whatever, right?”
“Right.” Although Jim needed the job, he felt a slight disappointment. Is this what he was going to be doing for the rest of his life? Sales? Isn’t that why he dropped out of business in the first place?
“Pam, I just need a few more months.”
“Roy, we’re going to be thirty when we can get married! We can’t even afford an apartment together right now.”
“I know, I’m trying.” She thought she heard Roy’s voice crack, and she felt a huge amount of guilt.
“Look, I’ll help okay? I’ll try and find something that pays more, or something. It’ll be okay. I know you’re trying, I do.”
“Oh, Pam! I think I heard they’re looking for a receptionist here! You could work at Dunder-Mifflin with me. It’s better pay, and we would be working together—we could save gas money, get a little apartment close by…It’d be perfect.”
The first time he met Dwight he thought he was having a prank played on him. There was no way a guy like this could actually exist. But he did exist.
“I’m Dwight K. Schrute. I am Assistant Regional Manager, therefore I am your superior. Michael has hired me to look over the other employees, so if you have any questions. Feel free to ask.”
“Wow. Um, thanks Dwight K. Schrute. I’m James Halpert..My friends call me Jim. What would you prefer me call you? Like, do you have a nickname—“
“I don’t believe in nicknames past the age of three. So, if you want to address me you can call me by my name, Dwight K. Schrute. Or Dwight K. Scrute, Assistant Regional Manager. Or Dwight Schrute, sherriff deputy. Or…Dwight.”
She pulled up the tight pantyhose around her waist. She sighed. What had happened to her? This is what she promised herself she would never be doing. This was turning into her career, and it made her feel anxious and uncomfortable when she thought about it. Then she reminded herself that Roy and her would get married and get a better job. She would have babies, retire, and paint. She tried to smile but felt a tear roll down her cheek instead. She wiped it away quickly and put on her skirt.
“We’re getting a new receptionist?”
“Apparently”, Toby shrugged.
“When did this happen? I’m kind of sad actually. You can’t tell anyone this, but…me and Elly had a little thing.”
“You had a thing with the fifty-six year old receptionist…”
“Oh yeah. You thought she had a great body then? You should’ve seen her in just those orthopedic shoes. Woah.”
Toby laughed, “You're sick.”
She walked into the office and looked around for the man she had talked to on the phone. She had heard from Roy he was kind of a character, so she braced herself for the worst. “You’s a hoooe! Oh! You’s a hoe! Woah! Not a hoe, but woah! You’re a little hottie mcdottie aren’t ya? You should’ve seen the last receptionist compared to her you look like a real live Cameron Diaz!" He erupted in laughter. " I’m just kidding I don’t think you’re a hoe." He paused. "That was just a song from the old, snoopy snoop.” Pam looked at him. “Ya know, Snoop Dogg? Nevermind. So this is where you’ll be sitting—“
He didn’t know why, but as soon as she walked in his heartbeat quickened a little. He stood up and walked over to her desk after Michael had gone away to torture someone else for the time being. “I’m sorry you had to witness that. The bad part is, that is not even the worst of it, I promise you.” Pam smiled at him, and he swallowed hard.
“Wait, what?! You bought what with our wedding money?!”
“I know, Pam, I’m sorry. But you know how bad I wanted those waverunners. Now think about how much fun we’ll have at the lake. And it wasn’t even that much money, we were still pretty far away from what we needed anyway, this won’t do anything.”
“I don’t even like waverunning! You and your brother do and you never even let me have a turn. You are unbelievable, you know that?! Do you even want to marry me?”
He walked over to her desk and reached in and grabbed a jellybean. “Alright, don’t tell Dwight this—but I totally put his stapler into jell-o. I’m waiting for him to find it. It took me all night and three packs of jell-o to get it right, but—“ Pam sniffled. “Are you okay?”
God, how embarrassing. She had known Jim for less than a week and already she was crying in front of him. How pathetic was she? Weirdly enough, she still hadn’t brought up Roy yet. She didn’t know why, but she didn’t want to. She liked the attention she got from Jim, it had been so long since a guy had looked at her like that, and a part of her didn’t want it to end. She felt a twinge of guilt everytime she thought about it, but it wasn’t like they were going to do anything right? It was innocent flirtation, friendly.
Seeing her cry, he felt terrible. He wanted to help—what could he do, though? “Hey, do you want to talk about it, like over lunch or something?”
She completely forgot about Roy. Jim was probably the funniest guy she had ever met.
“Grilled cheese? You got a grilled cheese?? How old are you?” He grinned at her.
“Grilled cheese is the best! You’re just jealous you didn’t get it, cause you know it looks good.”
Jim smiled at her, “Nope. Ham and cheese. I’ve had pretty much the same lunch everyday since I was a kid. I’m kind of indecisive, so I just choose one thing I’m happy with and stick with it.”
“What?! How can you have ham and cheese everyday and not get tired of it?!”
Jim smiled, “I dunno, when I find something I really like, I can’t help but want to be around it if it makes me happy.”
Pam suddenly felt really uncomfortable. What would Roy think if he walked in right now and saw them together?
“I’m engaged,” she heard herself say. Wow, that was subtle.
He felt a knot in his chest. Of course. Of course this girl wasn’t single, why would she be? And why the hell did he think he could get a girl like this.
Over the next few years, Roy continued to put off their wedding. Michael found this hilarious, giving her the “longest engagement award” two years in a row. She cried herself to sleep both nights. She moved in with Roy finally, which had seemed like forever. For some reason, it felt so much more official. And Pam felt herself feeling so much more scared.
Over the next few years, Jim tried harder and harder everyday to tell himself that him and Pam were just friends. He couldn’t help it though, she was adorable. She would help him plan pranks against Dwight, and they would make fun of Michael, and they could talk about virtually anything, and she was kind, and she truly cared about everyone in the office, even Michael. He smiled to himself thinking about the time she had given Michael “girl advice” even though he had previously told her about one hundred dirty jokes that she had rolled her eyes at. He had never thought he could have this type of connection with anyone. And…she was engaged. Everytime he thought about it he felt his a throat tighten. We’re just friends.
“Um, I have an announcement everyone! Apparently, you are not the only ones that think I am a great boss. Apparently, America wants to see my leadership skills at work as well. There will be a documentary crew coming in and filming the office so…make me look good. No, ha, I’m just kidding. I know you’ll make me look good, how could you not?!” He gave a short laugh. She looked over at Jim, who turned quickly and looked at her. He made a face as to say, “Is he serious?” she shrugged and smiled at him. This could be fun.
When the crews started filming, it was incredibly awkward at first. It was like everytime he even glanced over even close to the reception desk, a cameraman would be filmiing him. He wasn’t even looking at Pam…right, he wasn’t. Just glancing when something funny happened, they were just friends. And then there was the way the cameras made sure to capture every embarrassing moment ever.
It was awkward the first day, and she felt like she had to look like she was doing more work thatn she really was. What if no one hired her after this because they thought she never did anything? And why was it that the cameras always seemed to show up when Jim was around?
Jim was so angry at Dwight he thought he would literally strangle him with his bare hands if he said one more thing about his stupid spy tactics, or…whatever. He went into the meeting as Michael was finishing up his idiotic and completely racist speech about diversity. He was unbelievable. Suddenly, he felt a head on his shoulder, and he looked down and saw Pam sleeping. All the anger drained from him. He tried to allow himself to soak in this feeling. He wanted to be able to remember this, what it would feel like for Pam to fall asleep on his shoulder. Her hair touching his skin. When Michael called the meeting, he was hesitant to wake her up. He knew he wouldn’t be able to feel this ever again, and it hit him. Hard. “Hey, um…” he leaned down to her.
Jim ran over and grabbed her hand breathing hard. He started to tell her something about Dwight in the box in the warehouse and how he had gotten him to spy on the branch and dye his hair, right as he said this she saw the door open to the office and her stomach flip-flopped. Oh, no, Roy…don’t... Before she could say anything, Roy had pushed Jim away. “What the hell are you doing?! Trying to cop a feel?!”
“No, man, no…I just..”
Pam felt her face flush with embarrassment.
After the whole copping-a-feel incident, Jim hated Roy even more. Why was Pam dating that douchebag? Of course he never told this to her, but he didn’t understand it. Roy had no idea how amazing Pam was. It made him so mad. He wanted to punch Roy that day so badly, but he had totally taken him off-guard. Any other day, he would’ve been ready. And when he found out that he was going to get to play Roy in basketball, he couldn’t help but get a little excited. He felt like maybe he had seemed a little wimpy, but he could show…um, everyone… that he wasn’t as wimpy as he seemed. After Roy elbowed him in the nose, Jim felt adrenaline rush through him as he shoved Roy down on the ground. Even after Roy confronted him, he couldn’t help but try and hide a slight smile.
Okay! So Katy was pretty, she got it. I mean, if Pam wore that much make up she could be just as pretty. Right? Pam stopped herself. God, she was being petty. Good for Jim, Katy seemed really nice. Roy pushed the truck into drive and as they rolled away she passed Jim’s car and suddenly felt an incredible rush of jealousy. “Am I hot?”
Roy looked at her puzzled, “I tell you how pretty you are all the time.”
“Not, pretty. Hot. Am I hot?”
“Um, yeah babe. Whatever.” He smiled at her.
Jim felt his heart speed up when he saw Pam walk in the door. He had wanted to hit Roy when he commented on Katy being hot in front of Pam, and he was glad she had ditched him…ditched Roy to come and sit with him. He couldn’t help but smile. After Pam gave her drunken speech, he was trying to remember the best lines to bring up in the morning, Pam ran up to him. He pulled out her chair expecting her to have a hard time finding it, and she went to throw her arms around him. He felt his heart pound in his chest, and before he could do or say anything he felt her lips press up against his. His legs felt weak.
She was so embarrassed…she hoped Jim hadn’t heard her mom asking about him, but how could he have not. Oh, God. So embarrassing.
She had talked about him to her mom. Wow. He could not stop smiling.
“Uh, I would do that, uh. Tight ass christian chick, what’s her name?”
Pam felt her throat tighten. How could he say that right in front of her??
“Jim, how about you.”
Suddenly she was very interested. Who would Jim say? She wondered if it would be her, and then she dismissed the idea. That was stupid, they were friends. He didn’t think of her like that.
“Kevin, hands down.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you should take that job.”
Jim felt like he had been punched in the stomach. “Um, it’s in Maryland.”
“Yeah, but look at the salary. And it’s definitely a step up and it’s a challenge.”
Did she really not care if he moved? Even though he had tried not to hold on to the thought of him and Pam ever actually being together, he figured she at least liked having him around. I’m an idiot.“Yeah. Yeah, ya know.. Maybe I will.”
“Look closer”. She smiled as Jim leaned in to look at the punching thingy she had on her hand. What were those anyway? She lifted it up hitting him in the nose.
“Oh…” he bopped her on the head with his mitt.
“Oh, you’re dead.”
“Come and get it, Beesly”, she felt his arms pick her up. She couldn’t help but notice how strong he was. She felt his arms touch her stomach and she leaned back into him, feeling his chest on her back Suddenly, she noticed Meredith staring and felt a rush of embarrassment and guilt. What would she think of them? She was engaged, what the hell was she doing… and in front of the cameras? What if Roy saw? She yelled for Jim to let her down, and walked away, trying to avoid eye contact with Meredith.
He climbed up the little ladder onto the top of the building, he felt his heart skip a beat as he saw her sitting in the chair waiting for him. It was almost like a date. He had imagined it somewhat differently, but this would do. He sat down, with a little trouble, and introduced his grilled cheese. He had made a few, making sure to give her the best one. He remembered she liked grilled cheese from the first date they had had. Although she probably didn’t remember. Later as they stood outside, he felt so close to her. Having her stand close to him listening to his iPod he wanted so badly to kiss her. So badly. She’s engaged, Jim.
As she walked around Jim’s room she compared it to what she had imagined. Not that she would admit it, barely even to herself, but she had thought about what it would be like to come to his room before. To lie in bed with him. It wasn’t totally how she imagined, but there was something adorable about how he had it put together. Later, as she watched him sing with Michael she felt something that scared her. She tried to dismiss it.
He had written on a little crumpled piece of paper all of the inside jokes he could remember. Well, the ones that wouldn’t be too vague, that she would remember too. He smiled as he went around picking up the things that reminded him of her. Little things that he had put around his room, her hot sauce packet, his freshman yearbook picture she had made fun of him for, and the letter. The letter he had written and corrected, re-written, looked over, corrected...for almost three years. He wrote it not too long after they had first met and was planning on giving it to her sometime. When, though, he wasn’t sure. She would know how he felt. How he had felt for three years. He picked it up looking over it, eraser marks and smudged pencil. Taking in a deep breath, he put it into the box next to the teapot. The teapot he had gone all over town for. He smiled.
She couldn’t help but feel relieved when Jim asked her to come out on the balcony of the boat. To get away from Roy for a little while was a blessing, she hated seeing him like this, it was like highschool. Apparently he had never recognized that it had embarrassed her when he drank like this then. She asked Jim what she had wanted to ask him from the first day she found out he was dating Katy. She wanted him to tell her that Katy was stupid, and not nearly as funny as her. She felt a twinge of guilt. She should be happy for Jim, he seemed content. “So, what’s it like dating a cheerleader?”
Jim gave a soft laugh. “Oh…”
He glanced down to try and give her some witty answer and looked at her. He felt his mouth go dry. She looked more beautiful than he had seen her. It wasn’t even the way she looked, it was how she looked at him. Her hair blew around her face in the freezing air, and her cheeks were really pink from the cold. He wanted to hold her, keep her warm. He wanted to tell her what he had been wanting to tell her from the day he met her. But what could he say? Tell her. He started to speak and then stopped himself. What are you doing? Her fiancees inside. How awkward would that be? He just—
“I’m cold.” Pam walked away.
He leaned on the railing and let out a deep breath.
He finally got up the courage again to say something, anything. He walked briskly over to her, not allowing himself time to psych himself out. He leaned down and right as he did, Roy began to speak.
Jim felt physical pain as Pam got up and threw her arms around Roy. She was actually getting married. He had his chance and he blew it. That was it. He felt a lump rise in his throat.
Everyone had been acting weird around her all day. She noticed, partially because the cameras were more focused on her, even when she wasn’t doing anything. She had started to get a little paranoid, and was avoiding Jim a little bit more just in case. She ran into him in the breakroom, and was somewhat relieved to see him. She glanced out of the corner of her eye for cameras, and not seeing any let out a sigh of relief. They chatted for awhile, but she could tell something was wrong.
“Hey, um listen. Um, I told Michael on the booze cruise—it’s so stupid.”
Pam had never seen him so nervous before.
“I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here.”
She felt her stomach do a little flip-flop. She managed an “oh”.
“Well, I just figured I should let you know before, well, you know Michael. And seriously, it’s totally not a big deal. And when I found out you were engaged—“
Pam swallowed hard. What the hell was she supposed to say now? She felt like she shouldn’t think it’s a big deal, but she had butterflies in her stomach and she felt a stupid girlishness at the thought of Jim having a crush on her.
“Oh I know, I mean, I thought you might… when I first started working here.”
“Oh you did?”
She smiled, they talked for a little while longer and she knew it wouldn’t be awkward. As she started to leave, she was trying to hide the wide smile that was trying to come across her face when Jim stopped her.
“And Pam, it was like three years ago. So, I am totally over it.”
Her stomach dropped. Those words, though he didn’t mean to, hurt her really badly. He was "totally" over her...
God. He felt terrible. Saying that to her he felt like he had taken ten steps backward instead of forward. If anything, Pam knew less about the way he felt than he had ever wanted. And the way she found out…he wanted to die of embarrassment. He almost thought he saw a hint of sadness when he’d said it though. That night, he thought back earlier when Pam had let her hair down for Kelly. He had imagined before what she would look like with it down. Him waking up and seeing her lying there sleeping, her curly hair spread out on his pillow. He couldn’t deny seeing her like that had turned on something in him. She was always so modest, he wondered what she would look like, a silk nightgown covering her lightly. He began to get hard just thinking about it. This is pathetic. Still, another night he had ended up thinking about Pam.
She had cried, in front of the cameras. She felt so vulnerable, even the cameras could see through her. She began to tear up again. She did want that house, though. She had wanted it ever since she was little. And she was just explaining that to the cameras, when a horrible thought had come over her. She wasn’t going to get that house. Ever. She realized finally, after three years, this had become her career. She was almost thirty, and always dreamed of being married and having children by now. How far had she gotten? She wasn’t even married yet! And Roy was right, where would art take her now? People she heard of that were artists had started when they were still teenagers and had had years of experience by now. Jim had been so kind about it. Sometimes she wish Roy thought the way he did. He had been so supportive and he looked so distraught when she told him that she wasn’t going to do it. Almost like it was him who wasn’t going to art school, not her. She sat back on her pillows of her bed and waited for Roy to finish brushing his teeth. For a split second she wondered what it would be like if it was Jim in there.
God, he wanted to hit Roy in the face. What the hell did she see in him? It angered him the amount of times he had asked himself that question. She was too good for Roy, too good for that job, too good for…too good for him, actually. He reminded himself, once again, that she chose Roy over him. Obviously, there’s something in him that’s better than in what I have in me.
All day. She had waited all day to get something from Roy, and nothing. As they drove home she wanted to tell him how furious she was with him, but she couldn’t do it. When they got home he immediately turned around and kissed her, grabbing at her sweater. She stepped back. “I’m really not in the mood, Roy.”
“It’s Valentine’s Day!”
“Exactly. It is valentine’s day and for some reason I’m still not in the mood, I wonder if you can figure it out.”
Although it was the best make-up sex Pam had had of yet, she couldn’t understand why as she arched into her pillows, closing her eyes she saw Jim’s face.
As they stood in the parking lot, Jim thought his heart would explode right out of his chest. His hands were shaking and his mouth was completely dry but he had been psyching himself up all night for this exact opportunity, and here it was. Time to do this, Jim. You’ve wanted her to know for three years. Just do it. He had recited what he was going to say for the past two days.
“Hey can I, uh, can I talk to you for a minute?”
What Pam said after that he didn’t hear. As he watched her, he was more in love with her than he had ever thought possible. Suddenly, every planned word was erased from his mind.
“I’m in love with you.” He felt like he was watching someone else speak, he didn’t know where this was coming from.
“What?” Her reaction caught him off guard, and he tried to remember what he had recited so many times,
“I’m sorry if that’s weird for you to hear but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing I know that, I just—“
“What do you expect me to say to that?”
Oh God, this was a mistake. “I just needed you to know. Once.”
“I...I’m sorry?”
“Yeah.”
“You have no idea—“ He didn’t want to hear what came next. What she was about to say he had dreaded coming for three years.
“Don’t”
“—how much your friendship means to me.” God, he wanted to die at that moment. What he had always thought was true, he was just a friend to her.
“Don’t do that. I want to be more than that.” He felt his eyes well up with tears.
“I’m sorry.” A tear fell down his face. He wondered exactly how pathetic he must look to her right now.
“Yeah. Well, I’m sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.” He avoided her eyes partly out of sheer embarrassment and partly because, well, he couldn’t do that to himself.
Pam wanted to cry. She felt pain in her chest like someone had stabbed her. She went into the warehouse trying to avoid Roy and the other guys. She dodged up the stair, and ran to the phone. She had to call her mom, the one unbiased, understanding person she knew.
“Mom.”
“Hey honey! Wait, what’s wrong?”
“Jim, he just told me…”
“Oh no, honey, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just—“
“When did this happen?”
“Like ten minutes ago.”
“Well, I mean are you okay?”
“I dunno Mom, he’s my best friend.”
“Do you think you might be in love with him, too?”
“Yeah, I think I am.”
She saw Jim walk into the room out of the corner of her eye and she felt a rush of panic.
“Um, I dunno, I have to go…” She hung up quickly. “Jim, I…”
He leaned down and she felt his hands slide around her waist and his mouth on hers. She felt a rush of excitement flow through her and she reached up and put her hands in his hair. It felt like she had imagined it to. Feeling his arms around her, her whole body melted.
He didn’t know what came over him. He went into the office building, he knew she was in there but it was like he couldn’t be stopped. He couldn’t even think, he just walked. He saw her run by and he had to follow her. He had to try one more time. He walked into the room, his head down, not allowing himself to think long enough to realize how badly this could go. He walked slowly up to her. He heard her say his name, which only had his adrenaline pumping more. He leaned down and kissed her. Her lips felt amazing and soft and he panicked slightly when he didn’t feel her arms around him, but she wasn’t pulling away. She felt her small hands go into his hair and he felt chills. He could feel his heartbeat pounding against her petite body and he thought he would pass out. He never wanted to let go, but a part of him was almost afraid this was a dream.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”
“Me too.” At those words, Jim felt his heart jump. “I think we’re just drunk.”
“No, I’m not drunk. Are you drunk?”
“No.” He relaxed, and could barely wait to kiss her again. How had he gone for four years without this?
He leaned in, “Jim.”
He began to feel panic rising again. He knew what she was going to say. He had known this was too good to be true. Nothing ever lasted for him. Nothing. He didn’t want to hear what was coming, “You really gonna marry him?”
She nodded.
"OK." He realized he was still holding her hands. He didn’t want to let go, he didn’t. But he forced himself to. As he felt her soft hands slide off his own, he felt a knot rise in his throat.
As she went home that night, Roy was asleep in bed. Of course he hadn’t waited up. There was no way she could go to bed right now. What if she had some of Jim’s cologne on her? Was her lipstick smeared? She hadn’t even checked her hair. She suddenly felt very, paranoid. She stood in the shower a good while just allowing the warm water to run over her. She closed her eyes and replayed the kiss in her mind over and over, she began to rub herself feverishly as she bit her lip to keep from waking Roy. Her legs gave out from under her and she sat down in the tub. She felt guilty, even more guilty. She had just gotten off to Jim Halpert while her fiancee was lying in her bed. As she stood in the shower she scrubbed herself all over until she left big red patches on her skin.
Jim walked into his dark house. He didn’t even want to imagine how this night may have turned out had things gone differently. Pam could be here with him at this moment. He could be kissing her again, feeling her hands in his hair. As he walked into his room he looked sadly around his room. She could be here with him. He sighed and laid down, trying not to think about her.
“Roy. I have to tell you something.” She began to cry. “I don’t know how to tell you this. I don’t, you’re going to hate me.”
“I would never hate you. What is it baby?”
“I can’t go through with this. I can’t. It has nothing to do with you, I just, I don’t think I can go through with this right now. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry, hun.”
He looked at the calendar, but he knew what day it was. He just wanted to make sure. Obviously it was June 10th, yesterday was June 9th, tomorrow was June 11th. He was in Australia. It was amazing here, beautiful. He should be feeling extremely lucky. But at this exact time, he knew somewhere Pam had gotten married and he needed a drink. He had gotten about a billion calls today from Dunder-Mifflin people, and he was pretty sure it was about how “beautiful” or “romantic” the wedding was, and he swore if he heard that he would lose his mind. He threw back his head and felt the hot sensation pour down his throat. It was going to be a long night.
Her eyes welled up with tears as she packed her last box into her car. She was thankful that Roy was helping her, but she wasn’t sure how she had managed to avoid his eyes the entire time they packed up her little station wagon. She closed the back and went around to her door to get in. She looked at Roy, finally meeting his eyes. His eyes were big and glossy, like he might actually break down himself. Saying nothing, she got in her car.
He walked into the office and instantly felt like he was back in high school, awkward and uncomfortable. What was he doing here? Was he honestly transferring and changing his entire life because of a woman? No, he was getting promoted. This was not because of Pam. Not entirely, at least. He let out a sigh. Looking around he saw the receptionist desk and felt an intense feeling of displacement as he talked to her. What would it be like not having Pam to make the days even crawl by? He forced a smile and tried to be as polite as he could without giving himself away. It was his first day. Lighten up, Halpert.
She felt her mom’s hand grip her shoulder. She turned around and smiled at her. “This is so you. You were right”, her mother beamed.
“Yeah.”
“You know what would look great right in that corner? That little chair you got last year for your apart…” Pam felt a sob rise in her throat. Her mom turned to her and gave her a hug, “Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to bring that up, I’m sorry that was so stupid on my part.”
“No, no, it’s not your fault.” Pam said quietly. “It’s just gonna be weird. But I’ll be fine. Really.”
“I’m just saying that the Eagles are not as bad as everyone thinks. Seriously, their schedule is easiest in the division, and they could honestly steal it come game time.”
“No way, man. No way.”
“Alright, Kev. I’m…ah, nevermind. There’s no point in trying to reason with you on fantasy football. Um, hey, just… how is everyone doing there by the way? I mean, any… uh, how is…how is everyone?”
“You mean how’s Pam?”
“No, I mean well, sure how is she and everyone else?”
“Oh! You didn’t hear! She didn’t go through with it. She called it off last minute.”
Jim dropped the water he was holding all over his pants, “Wait, what? What, she called what off?”
“The wedding, man. I bet you feel stupid you moved now because of her, right?”
She fidgited with the string on her sweater. It had come unraveled and it was going to literally drive her crazy all night if she didn’t do something about it. She looked around and suddenly felt very, very old. Every person in here was a college student. She took in a deep breath and sat up straighter. She was finally doing what she had always wanted, and who cares if she was a little bit older than the other people in here? She just had more experience right? “Hello everyone, my name is Bethany Sipliano. I’ll be your art instructor for the next few weeks.”
“Big Tuna.”
“Yes, Andy.”
“You know who’s coming back today, don’t ya?”
“Um, nope. Who?”
“K-Fil.”
“Kevin Federline works here?”
“What? No. That’s K-Fed. Where have you been?”
“I—“
“PSH. No, Karen Fillipelli. Hottie. Trust me, you’ll see.”
“Okay.” Jim glanced at the camera. He hoped that they caught this on tape. He swore years from now he could look back over this documentary and be able to laugh instead of cry. That was what got him through most of the days.
A girl came in in a business suit. Jim was actually caught off-guard by how strikingly attractive she was. She had never expected Andy to actually be right about anything, ever. She was definitely beautfiul. She saw him and reached out her hand. “Karen Fillipelli.”
Andy spun around, “Ah-Karen-ah-filli-pelli!”
She gave a tight smile, “Um, yep. Thanks Andy. That…never gets old.”
Jim laughed. He was relieved to finally find someone normal again. He had begun to get a little worried he wouldn’t be able to find someone he could relate to as much as… well, just someone he could relate to.
She felt like she had been kicked in the stomach. Before she could stop herself she said, “Oh my God.”
“Hi.”
“Hi”, she heard herself say.
God, why hadn’t he just called Kevin’s extension. He felt like his face was on fire with embarrassment. He wanted to ask her so many questions, and tell her about what had happened. He found himself talking over her, “Oh, I’m sorry go ahead.”
“Uh, no everything’s pretty much the same here. A little different.”
“Good.”
“What time is it there?”
“What time is it here? Um, we’re in the same time zone.” He stifled a laugh, she was never good with geography.
“Oh yeah, right.” He heard her laugh, and couldn't help himself but feel somewhat nostalgic.
“How far away did you think we were?”
“I dunno, it felt far.”
He felt his face fall.
“Yeah.”
She loved laughing again. It had been so long and she seriously had missed him. She had missed having a buddy. She had her mom, but other than that the days had gone by so much slower without him here. Michael was even more unbearable than she could ever have imagined. She wanted to tell him all this, but she didn’t know if it would be too forward yet.
Things actually felt eerily normal. Maybe he had been completely wrong about their relationship. He—he stopped. He noticed she hadn’t said anything in a little while.
“Pam?”
“Okay, bye!”
What? Had he done something? He had been stupid to think that things were back to normal again. “Oh yeah, I should probably, I should probably go too—“
“Oh, no I was um—“
“Oh no, I—“
“You have to go?”
No, and please don’t hang up now. Please. Tell me you want to talk longer, I’ll stay. “Yeah well—“
“No, I mean, I should probably go too.”
Fuck. “Okay.”
“I mean…yeah.”
Don’t go. Don’t go… “Yeah. Bye Pam.”
He heard a pause, but it wasn’t a final goodbye. “Bye Jim.” It wasn’t how he had expected. Her voice sounded like Pam. Not the polite Pam trying to make things better and constantly please, the real Pam. The Pam he had fallen in love with.
Why wasn’t he texting her back? It never took him this long. She read over her text a couple times to see if maybe she had said something awkward, or to make him feel awkward… or… she didn’t know. What could she have done?
“Hey! Crazy night. Michael proposed to carol. Omg. I really wish you had come!”
Well, she guessed it wasn’t the kind of text you had to reply to… but she would’ve thought he would’ve definitely had something to say about it. Maybe she shouldn’tve said “I really wish you had come.” That was too forward, what was she thinking?? Stupid…
What the hell was he doing. If he took the job in Scranton, he would be making the same, if not more money. It would be stupid for him to give up an opportunity like that. He could move back in with Mark, and he’d be making more money. And he was a little homesick, he couldn’t deny that. But seeing her again, it made his stomach do flip flops thinking about it. He couldn’t do that to himself. He couldn’t. Falling in love with her again, well it wouldn’t even be again. He had tried to convince himself he was even slightly over her but he was being more than optimistic. The separation had done nothing more than cause him to fall in love with her even more. And then there was Karen. He rubbed his forehead.
She got up an hour earlier. She wasn’t even tired when her alarm went off. She looked in the mirror and smiled. Today would be a good day. She had thought of hundreds of scenerios in her mind the night before, each one playing out the same. Jim would see her again, and things would be the same until the end of the day when they would have a moment. And then, well…that was when things kind of went blank. She had no idea what would happen. She looked at her outfit she had laid out the night before. She laughed at herself. She was being such a girl! She hadn’t laid out a “special” outfit and planned the way she would do her hair since high school.
As he walked toward the door, he tried to prepare himself. He tried to reassure himself that he was over her. It was Pam. She was his friend. They were friends. He was dating Karen. He hated that he even had to do this...everyday. As he walked behind Martin he could see Pam somewhat. She had curled her hair, and it looked good. Don’t let her know you noticed. As she threw her arms around him, he fell back immediately into that night. He couldn’t do this. “Yeah I was just doing a little joke there about how we had never met…”
“I know I don’t care.” Her tone took him completely off balance. Had she changed?
Had that been too forceful? Ah, well. She didn’t care. She couldn’t stop grinning like an idiot at the thought of him being back.
He wanted to strangle Michael. Yeah, things were going fine. And then you made them awkward. He hadn’t expected any of this. Seeing her had been hard, he had tried to hide it the best he could. What he couldn’t understand was the way she was acting. He had hoped she would be excited to see him, but she was acting really different. He didn’t know if he liked it. She wasn’t being herself. It was almost like she was trying too hard to get things back to normal, and it was just making things more awkward. God, he had been back for a day and everything was already getting fucked up… it almost angered him.
Stupid! She was so fucking stupid to believe that he had liked her that much. Of course he had a girlfriend now. She began to try and think of the things she had said to him up until this point. How forward had she been? Had she come off too desperate? Did he want to go to coffee?? That was way too soon. WAY too soon. God, to think that she truly believed he was still in love with her after all this time made her want to slam her head in a door. And this girl was gorgeous. How could any guy in his right mind choose her over...that. Of course, her hair was kinda thin, and she didn’t seem as nice as she had originally thought. She said she liked her sweater didn’t she? God… what a suck up.
“I am at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a labotomy.”
He wanted to laugh, but at the same time he was kind of hurt. As much as Scranton sucked, he felt a weird attachment to it. And hearing her make fun of it was like hearing someone make fun of his family, despite how redneck they may be.
“What’s wrong, you didn’t have a good first day?”
“Oh my God. Hey, you want to meet me at Cooper’s in an hour? I need a drink.”
“Sure yeah. Sounds good.” He saw Pam come out of the office, and his heart pounded a little. He had been practicing this speech all day, and he knew he had to do it. But when exactly had been the problem. He had probably waited too long already.
She jumped a little when he called her name. She knew it. She knew it, things were still the same. He just wanted to get away from the cameras before he told her how he truly felt. This was it. He did still like her. “Uh, what’s up?” she said trying to sound casual.
“Oh, nothing. I just, I feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today.or something.”
Him and Karen aren’t together, she misinterpreted things. She tried to hide a smile. I know what you’re doing…
“What do you mean?” She asked innocently.
“I just think that I should tell you—“
Here it comes.
“—that I’ve uh, I’ve sorta started seeing someone.”
Her face fell. “Oh. That’s totally cool, you can do whatever you want.” That sounded terrible. She meant it to come off friendly, but her disappointment was too obvious. Just smile.
“Oh, uh…okay. Good.” She could tell he was caught off-guard by her response. She searched frantically for something to say that would cover up what impression she may have been giving all day.
“We’re friends. We’ll always be friends.” God. She was digging herself into a hole. They had been friends too long and she knew he could see right through her.
“We’ll always be friends.” Even though he had expected her to say something along the lines of, “Jim, I’m happy for you.” Those words stung. It was the way she said it, so final and emotionless. Something in him had wanted her at that moment to tell him that she had been in love with him the whole time and didn’t want him to be dating Karen. He knew that despite what he told himself, he would drop everything for her. When she didn’t, something in him hurt. “Right”, he said.
He had to get away from this shit. Maybe he shouldn’tve said anything. But now at least she knows he’s over her…
“Good to have you back” He heard her call as he walked away.
“Yeah, good to be back.” Their conversation was so polite, like they were strangers trying to make a good impression on one-another. His entire plan for this day had fallen apart, and he felt like he was further away from Pam than he had felt when he was in New York. He shouldn’tve come.
This entire day hadn’t gone as Pam had planned. He was over her. As she got in her car, she prepared herself to go home to her empty apartment. She put the keys in the exhaust and watched as Jim drove behind her and out of the parking lot. Before she could stop herself, she felt tears falling down her cheeks and she held her face in her hands. She had never felt so alone. Even when Jim was three hours away, she still had held on to some naïve hope that they would be together eventually. She felt like she was twelve-years-old again, dreaming about a little house with flowers in the front. When was she going to realize that some things just don’t work out.
He walked into Cooper’s and looked around the restaurant. He couldn’t help but smile at all the cheesy fisherman designs that decorated the place, Pam and him used to make fun of it whenever the group decided to come here after work.
He nodded as he saw Karen waving at him, sitting on a barstool. He swivelled the barstool around and with a little trouble to keep his knees from hitting the bar, he sat next to her. “Getting started a little early aren’t you?” He smiled at the already two empty drinks sitting beside her.
“Diet coke, actually. I don’t really drink that much.”
Jim laughed, “So why did you want me to meet you for a drink?”
“I was hoping to get you drunk again. Plus, I figured you probably needed one. How did you do that for so long?”
Immediately Pam’s face came into his mind, and went as soon as it had came.
“Uh, I dunno. No other options I guess. It’s not usually that bad. I think Michael was trying to make a good impression.”
“A good impression. Holy God.”
Again, he felt this strange urge to stand up for Michael which actually kind of worried him.
“And what do you mean no other options? I heard Stamford had been trying to get you to switch for years but you wouldn’t for some strange reason.”
“It’s really not that bad of a job.”
“Are you kidding? Is there something I’m missing?” She stopped and turned to the bartender, “Two more jack and cokes please.” She turned quickly to Jim her brows a little furrowed. “From what it looked like today you would have to pry every one of my fingernails off to make me stay there for five years.”
Jim felt a flash of anger, “Then why are you staying, Karen? Really. If it’s that bad, why didn’t you quit today, too?”
Karen looked a taken aback and a little, like a puppy that had just been hit with a rolled up newspaper. “I’m sorry, um, I, uh guess I was being a little inconsiderate.”
The bartender sat down the drinks down rushing away quickly to assist the next customer.
Not looking at her, he took the drink in his hands.“A little?” Jim tilted his drink back feeling the ice hit his upper lip.
Karen’s expression changed. “What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this? Did I do something?”
She tried to look through tears as she slowly unbuttoned her sweater and took off her shirt. She went into the bathroom and looked into the mirror at her half-naked body. She reached up and let her hair down. Tears streamed down her cheeks. She looked pathetic. She pulled her hair back into a loose ponytail and washed her make up off. Looking back into the mirror, she knew what exactly what she needed.
“So, uh, how long has that been going on?”
“God, Karen, nothing happened! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you before you completely blew this whole thing out of proportion.”
“If nothing happened, then why did you move to Stamford?”
Jim rubbed his face with his hands, “Uh, I dunno. I just, I thought it would be a good idea.”
“So it had nothing to do with Pam.”
“No, uh, I mean…kind of. But not really.”
Karen glared at him. “Why didn’t you tell me? You let me come all the way here and then I find out that you and the fucking receptionist are, like, in love with eachother? I feel like I’m on a fucking sitcom or something, Jim. I thought you wanted me to come to Scranton with you because you liked me. Why would you want me to come if you knew you still had feelings for her?!”
“YOU wanted to come to Scranton! YOU did! I tried to talk you out of it!”
“So you’re not even happy that I came!”
“God, Karen. I AM happy that you came, but can you not understand that this is kind of hard for me? Can you not stop thinking about how this is affecting you for, uh I dunno, ten minutes?? I do like you, I DO but I have been in love with Pam for, like, three years! That’s a long time for someone to expect you to just forget all that. I mean I was trying to, right? But now I’m here, and it’s really, really hard to do that now.”
She heard her phone ring. It was the ring she had for Jim. Her heart jumped a little and she walked into her bedroom and looked at it on the bed. Should she answer it? She wiped her face, it felt hot and sticky from crying all night. She thought it better to wait until she was less emotional. Who knew where this would go and she would kill herself if she cried on the phone to him. Plus, she knew it was probably about earlier today, and she didn’t feel like listening to his jokes tonight. It did mean though that he probably wasn’t with Karen…
"Hey! It's Pam, Leave a message."
"Pam, it's Jim. Uh, I gotta talk to you about something. Call me back when you get this okay?"
