Jim drove straight home, fueled by anticipation of opening the envelope. He slung his coat sloppily over the back of one of his kitchen chairs and flung his keys on the table. He knew that Mark would be out with his girlfriend until at least eleven, so he had no real reason to be in such a hurry other than the fact that he was craving to know what she had wrote.

He carefully slid his finger along the glued flap, making sure that he didn’t do any damage to the envelope. Once opened, he extracted a CD with his name written in script on it and a traditional greeting card. The card was a simple white card with a pink candy heart on it that read “Be Mine.” On the inside, he saw a short paragraph in Pam’s girlish hand.

Dear Jim,

Although we’re just getting back to the friendship we knew, I have to tell you that I love you. I guess it’s safe to say that I have always loved you. I know that you’ve probably moved on and gotten over me, but just know that you didn’t misinterpret anything. I kick myself everyday for all the pain I caused you for the past three years. I can understand if you just want to be friends; if that’s all I can get, I’ll take it. But just know that I love you, wholly and completely.

Pam

PS- I also made you a mix CD. I know that some of it isn’t your usual hipster fare, but I hope you’ll enjoy it anyway.

For a minute, Jim couldn’t move; he could scarcely breathe. His wildest dreams had just come true: Pam had confessed how she felt without leaving anything for interpretation. This wildly blooming sense of joy and elation abruptly halted when his cellphone started to ring with Karen’s chosen ringtone. He paused, agonizing over whether or not he should answer. Jim was afraid that the first words out of his mouth would be the truth for once, and he knew that he didn’t want to hurt Karen. Not yet, anyways.

He turned off the ringer and watched as a voicemail alert popped up on the screen. He looked down at the mix CD and decided to put it on in hopes of some magical answer evolving from the music.

There was no track names listed for the CD, but Jim knew the first one by heart: it was the first song he had ever played for Pam.

I was just bony hands as cold as a winter pole
You held a warm stone out new flowing blood to hold
Oh what a contrast you were
To the brutes in the halls
My timid young fingers held a decent animal.

Over the ramparts you tossed
The scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
Tied to a brick
Sweet as a song
The years have been short but the days were long.

Jim remembered the way that Pam had nodded her head to the music in the break room that day and the sweet smile that lit up her face. He smiled recalling those days that seemed so uncomplicated by the standard of the present. Before he allowed himself to get too reminiscent, the next song came on. Jim just let the music float around him, sifting through the notes and melody to get to the heart of the song.

I'm always one step ahead of you if you don't know what you're going through.
There's laughs and fun up where the conversation flows.
And I don't mind waiting if it takes a long, long time.
I don't mind braving the coldest winter of our time.
I don't mind racing through our goodbyes.

He wasn’t sure how or why Pam chose this song, but his feelings definitely echoed the lyrics. It made his heart beat faster at the thought that Pam is one step ahead of him because she understands his situation whereas he has no clue. She’s been there in a place where you have someone you love and someone you’re with. It clicked in his brain that they had essentially just switched places.

The next song came on and interrupted his train of thought but elicited an abrupt burst of laughter from him. Jim realized that he was listening to a Kelly Clarkson song, but sobered up when he listened to the lyrics

You got what you deserved.
Hope you're happy now
'Cause every time I think of her with you,
It's killing me
Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you.
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through.
I wish you knew.

Did she really feel this way inside? That was a stupid question because she obviously did; Pam wasn’t one to be overly dramatic. Jim’s insides felt knotted with guilt and pain for causing this situation, but what was he supposed to do about it? Jim knew what she was going through. He had sat through four years of watching her plan a life with another man that wasn’t him. It was enough to make a man bitter. But then he thought of how wonderful Pam was, and his resentment dissipated. He shook his head as if to clear it and refocused on the next tune.

And now my heart is in your hand
So baby, understand

And there was a time my heart was aching
Yes there was the day I swore it was breaking
Under a lucky star our love was born brand new

So don't cry, Angel, I
Will stay the whole night through
Forevermore, I'll be loving you

He smiled at the thought of Pam arduously thinking about the song selections and striving to make it perfect. And it was all for him. It was almost enough to make him cry. The last track came on and Jim smiled a smile of contentment.

Love and some verses you hear
say what you can't say.
Love to say this in your ear,
"I'll love you that way."
From your changing contentments,
what will you choose for to share?
Some day drawing you different,
may I be weaved in your hair?

The plaintive words echoed through the room, filing up all the space in Jim’s brain. He knew what he had to do. It wouldn’t be pretty, and it wouldn’t seem nice, for now anyway. But it was for the best.

He picked up the phone and dialed Karen’s number.