Pam was convinced she was sitting in hell. Her own personal version of hell. She sat dateless, left alone at the 'Singles Table' of Phyllis and Bob's wedding reception. From the moment she walked into the hall, it was like seeing her own canceled reception plans brought to life. The same colors she had chosen were accenting the same centerpieces she had decided on. There were candles and balloons through out the hall, and Pam thought their locations were vaguely familiar. Even the heart-shaped flower wreath at the entrance was decorated with an oversized P & R. Who calls him Robert? She thought crossly. His name is Bob. It should have been P & BVVR. That thought gave her a little smile, the first she'd worn since she arrived.
She ate little, and didn't feel like dancing. She couldn't drink much because she had to drive home. But worse than the flashback wedding decor, worse than being alone and grumpy at a friend's wedding, worse than being unable to drink away the evening, was the fact that just one table away, the man she knew that she loved more than anything was sitting with his girlfriend, and they seemed to be having a wonderful time.
The only highlight of the evening so far had been catching glimpses of Jim looking her way. Usually when their eyes met, he would be the first to look away, as if afraid of being caught. But once, when Karen was not sitting next to him, he held her gaze, and she swore she saw a glimpse of something more. It felt like a warm wave washing over her, and that one look was enough to make her believe she could get through the rest of the evening.
As the night wore on Pam remained in her chair. She wasn't trying to be rude but she just didn't feel like socializing. She could see that Phyllis was too busy being the bride to notice, and that was the only person she didn't want to slight. Kelly, of course, came over to talk to her a few times, but it was more of an endurance test than a conversation. Kelly was convinced that Pam felt down because of her own missed wedding with Roy, and there was nothing Pam could say to change her mind. It would have been funny had it not been so tedious. It would have been funny had she been able to share it with Jim.
Instead she settled for keeping her eyes on him whenever she could. She watched him make trips to the bar, noticing that Karen seemed to be drinking at a much faster rate than he was. She watched him as Karen took a turn at the microphone, singing lead while Scrantonicity backed her. Of course she has a wonderful voice, Pam thought bitterly. What the hell doesn't she do well? She noticed the bemused expression on Jim's face as Karen sang, and felt grateful that he hadn't been around when she sang for the bird funeral last autumn. She already felt inferior enough to Karen without giving Jim just one more reason to see why he'd made the better choice.
It was shortly after Karen's performance that Pam witnessed the final proof that she was in hell. Karen grabbed Jim's arm and lead him onto the dance floor. Some slow song that Pam couldn't quite place began to play, and Karen ran her hands up Jim's arms and rested them on his shoulders. Even in the heeled shoes she wore, Karen was at least a head shorter than Jim. Pam saw him place his hands on both sides of her waist as they began to sway to the music. But swaying isn't dancing, Pam said to herself, wishing that this time it was really true.
She knew she should stop staring at them, but she couldn't. Her eyes were fixated on his hands, which had not moved since the music started. He didn't pull Karen closer. He didn't move his fingers against the fabric of her dress. But even with his hands immobile, Pam watched and imagined what it would be like to be the one dancing with him. She wanted to be the one up there with him so badly it ached. She let her imagination soothe her for a moment, envisioning his hands resting on chocolate satin instead of black crepe. She would have stepped closer to him, moving her hands from his shoulders to his chest. She could almost feel his black lapels under her fingers. His hands would feel warm, and he'd slide them along her waist and clasp them along her lower back. She would have smiled up at him, letting him know unequivocally how happy she was to be there in that moment with him.
She was jerked out of her lovely daydream when she let her eyes drift up to Jim's face, and realized with a shock that he was looking back at her. She had a feeling from his expression that he'd been watching her for a while. He could not have failed to notice that she was staring at them, nor failed to notice her forlorn expression. For once, he had caught her wearing her heart on her sleeve. She felt her face burning, and for the first time that evening needed to get out of her seat. She didn't look back at Jim, but instead picked up her small purse and headed out into the lobby, finding her escape through the door of the women's restroom.
She locked herself into the farthest stall from the door and rested her head against the flocked wallpaper. She felt like a fool, but it wasn't for the reason she was expecting. Why am I running? She found herself thinking. He saw me staring, so what? That's not a crime. What are you so damn afraid of?
Nearly as soon as she asked herself that question, the answer came to her. She wasn't afraid of Jim finding out how she felt. She wasn't even afraid of him telling her that he had moved on, and that Karen really was the woman he wanted now. No. She, Pam Beesly, was afraid that if Jim did find out how she felt, she might discover that he still loved her. She was hiding from the very thing she had thought all this time she wanted. If he loved her back, if he still loved her all these months later, then she'd have to face up to how much she had hurt him. Not just with her original rejection, but with her summer of silence and her relative indifference since his return. It wasn't his rejection she feared, it was his forgiveness. If he still loved her than he would forgive her all these mistakes. And up until now she hadn't been ready to own up to her mistakes, to ask for a chance to make it up to him. But the look she saw on his face tonight, the way he'd looked at her when he caught her staring, that made her realize she needed to talk to him. Immediately. To know tonight if they had a chance together.
She walked out of the stall and checked her appearance in the mirror. She was turning to leave when Karen walked in, her gait making it clear that she'd already had a few drinks too many. “Pam!” She greeted her brightly. “You look really awesome tonight.”
“Thanks, you too,” Pam replied, her pasted smile fading as soon as Karen made it into the stall Pam had just vacated. Pam took Karen's sudden appearance as a sign that what she was about to do was the right thing. She walked out of the restroom with her heart pounding wildly, but her resolve secure.
Jim was standing in the lobby as she walked out. She tried to ignore the little voice that told her he was just there to wait for Karen. That voice was silenced when Jim turned around and saw her standing there. The smile he gave her made it clear he had been looking for her.
“Hey,” he said, crossing the room in just a few long strides. “You doing okay?” His concern buoyed her spirit.
“Yeah, I'm okay. You guys seem to be having fun tonight.”
“Well, Karen more than me, to be honest,” Jim replied, “She's been taking advantage of the free bar.”
“And you?”
He shrugged. “Someone has to drive.”
She nodded. “Yeah, me too.”
They stood in awkward silence for a moment, and Pam noticed Jim take a step closer. “You seemed a bit sad earlier,” he said slowly, as if he was struggling to find the right words. “Are you sure you're okay?”
She looked up into his hazel green eyes and knew this was the moment. “I would be much better if you'd dance the next slow song with me.”
His nod was almost imperceptible. “I think that can be arranged.” He offered his arm to her. “Shall we go wait by the dance floor then?”
Pam looked back at the restroom. “Weren't you waiting for Karen?”
“No, I wasn't actually. I'm sure she'll find us.”
Pam rested her fingers in the crook of his elbow as they walked back into the reception. She was careful to drop her hand when they reached the edge of the dance floor, in case Karen came back and thought Pam was trying to steal her boyfriend. Then Pam made a little laugh, because really, she thought, isn't that what I'm about to try and do?
As Kevin announced that they'd next be doing a string of slower songs, Pam felt Jim's hand warm against her lower back. “Shall we?” He said softly into her ear. She was already feeling a bit lightheaded. Soon his hands were resting just below her waist, and she placed her hands on his lapels. They felt just as she'd imagined.
“I actually recognize this song,” she joked, looking up at him. “It's Fields of Gold.”
He nodded. “It's good they've been able to branch out from The Police to Sting.”
She giggled and saw him smile down at her. He hasn't smiled like that at Karen once tonight, she thought happily.
Almost instinctively she took a step closer to him. She felt his hands tighten momentarily against her dress, and she looked back up. She thought she saw a flicker of something she hadn't seen in a long time. A slight look of encouragement, or maybe even a plea. Whatever it was, it made Pam feel bold enough to slip her right hand inside his suit jacket. His skin was so warm through his dress shirt. She put her hand on his waist, and as she rested her head against his chest she slid her hand around to the small of his back. With the security of knowing no one could see her hand under his jacket, she slipped several fingers just inside the waistband of his trousers. She felt him take a sudden breath as she did so, but he said nothing. She smiled as she felt his hands reach around her waist, pulling her even closer.
Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in the fields of gold
They stayed like that, swaying that was dancing, and Pam closed her eyes to try and capture the physical memory of being so close to him. She knew, however, that she needed to talk to him before the song ended. She took a deep breath and tiny step back. Jim looked momentarily disappointed that she had moved, and it pleased her.
She motioned for him to lean down. “I need a favor,” she said.
“Anything,” he replied, his expression serious.
“When the wedding is over I want you to come to my apartment.”
His eyebrows expressed his surprise at her request. “I have to take Karen home,” he said, almost apologetically.
“Take her home. Find an excuse to leave and come see me.”
Jim looked as if he didn't quite understand what he was hearing. Or that he didn't believe it. “Why?” He finally asked.
The song was ending as Pam replied. “Because there are things I need to say.”
Jim's response was interrupted by Karen's approach. Pam could see immediately that she did not look happy. “Have a nice dance?” she asked, immediately grabbing Jim's arm. She did not even look at Pam, instead directing her gaze at only Jim.
Pam watched as Karen practically pulled Jim off the dance floor and back to their seats. Pam walked over to the bar. She thought she deserved one drink for surviving all of that. She ordered a rum and coke, then stood near the bar nursing it while Phyllis and Bob started the usual reception activities of throwing the bouquet and the garter. Since the bar was alcoved neatly off to the side of the dance floor, Pam managed to avoid having to try and catch the bouquet. She watched as Kelly triumphantly caught it, and giggled a bit when Toby caught the garter. Pam noticed that while Karen had gone out to try for the bouquet, Jim had not left his seat for the garter toss. Pam found that very interesting, but then again she thought that maybe that was the rum talking.
They were cutting the cake by the time Pam finished her drink. She had specifically asked for less rum and more coke, so she felt completely sober. She thought now was a good time to leave, even if Jim hadn't yet agreed to come over. Karen had been practically hanging off of him since their dance, and she could see nothing good come of her trying to approach Jim again. He knew where she'd be if he wanted to find her.
She walked out to the lobby, claimed her coat, and was nearly to her car when she heard him say her name. She stopped and turned around as he ran up to her.
“I'm sorry for what happened earlier,” he said. “As you may have noticed, Karen's pretty drunk.”
She felt a bit sorry for him. “It's okay, I understand. Roy used to drink a lot too, especially at weddings.”
Jim put his hands in his pockets. “Did you really want me to come over tonight?” He asked, his eyes downcast.
She waited until her silence made him look at her. “Yes.”
Pam had been home for well over an hour when she heard a knock at her door. Except for taking off her shoes and nylons, she hadn't bothered to change out of her dress, seeing as it seemed to be working for her so far. When she opened the door she found Jim hadn't changed either.
“Sorry it took so long for me to get here,” Jim apologized as he walked through the door. “I needed to make sure Karen was going to be okay.”
“That's fine,” Pam nodded. “I wouldn't expect you to act otherwise. She's doing okay then?”
“Fast asleep, route to the bathroom cleared,” Jim joked.
She indicated that he should have a seat on the couch and offered him a drink, which he declined. She sat down next to him, and the silence between them was deafening. Pam worried what in the world she was going to do now that she actually had him here. She was lost in anxious thought when she realized Jim was speaking.
“I'm sorry?” she said.
“So what's on your mind, Pam?” he replied.
“Oh, right. That song's still playing in my head.”
“What song?”
“Fields of Gold.”
He nodded. “I've always liked that song.”
Pam closed her eyes briefly. “I'm very glad I got to dance with you,” she said softly.
“Me, too,” she heard him say.
She opened her eyes and turned to him. “Swaying is dancing, you know.”
“Yes,” he replied, his expression unreadable. “I've always known that.”
“I knew it too,” she confessed. “I was lying when I said it wasn't. I was lying about a lot of things.”
“What are you saying?” he asked, his eyes never leaving hers.
“Everything,” she replied. “I was so wrong, Jim. You were right.” She took a deep breath. “I love you, Jim. I love you so much, and I know I have for such a long time.”
Jim remained silent, but reached over and took her hand. “Why are you telling me this now?” It wasn't exactly the response she'd been hoping for, but it was a reasonable question.
“I guess when I saw you dancing with Karen tonight I realized that the fear of missing my chance to be with you was greater than my fear of being rejected.”
He looked surprised. “You feared I'd reject you?”
“Yes,” she whispered. “I thought you were over me when you came back with your new girlfriend.”
He shook his head. “I wasn't. I'm still not.”
“Oh, thank God.” Her relief was so apparent Jim began to laugh. She smiled and held his hand tighter.
They looked at one another and Pam knew what she had to do. What she'd wanted to do since the day he came back to Scranton. Despite her fancy new dress, Pam crawl onto his lap, her legs straddled across him, and began to kiss him. She was immediately welcomed as his arms came up tight around her, one wrapping around her waist, the other up around her neck, his long fingers tangling in her hair. She felt him pull her hair barrette loose and toss it on the floor. Her hair fell forward covering both their faces like a veil. His mouth was hot and firm and memories of their last kiss came flooding back. It was a good as she remembered, even better now that she had no reason to stop. Her fingers skimmed his jaw and cheeks, his evening stubble feeling rough but good against her skin. She clutched his hair, and sighed against his open mouth as she pressed her body harder into his.
Jim responded by moving his hands down her back, sliding over the soft satin of her dress. He followed the slick material down her thighs until he reached the hem, the slowly worked his hands under her skirt, stroking the skin along her outer thighs. As they continued to kiss, he grew bolder, until his fingers skimmed the lace of her panties and cupped his hands around her bottom, pulling her harder against his lap, where his desire for her was evident.
He kept his hands on her thighs, and briefly broke their kiss. “I don't know where you are planning to go with this,” he said huskily against her neck. “but would you mind if I took off my jacket?”
Pam giggled and sat back on his legs. She could see that he was flushed and sweating. “Sorry,” she grinned.
“No, don't be,” he replied, smiling as he slipped his jacket off and threw it on the floor. “Not a problem at all.” He ran his hands up her legs again, as she reached for his tie.
“You probably don't need this either,” she said. She pulled the knot loose and dropped the tie in the vicinity of his jacket. She next reached for his shirt. Jim sat very still, watching her undo each button until she reached his belt, where she pulled his shirt tails out and finished the last button. Opening his shirt, she ran her hands up his chest, leaning forward to kiss it. “Very nice,” she said, placing kisses from his chest up to his neck. She continued kissing his neck, along his jaw and back up to his mouth. He returned her kiss, then his hands came up to her face and pulled her back.
“What's happening here, Pam?” he asked softly.
“What do you mean?”
“How far is this going to go tonight?”
She tilted her head slightly, considering the question. “As far as you want it to go.”
He mimicked her head tilt. “Wow,” he said, a small smile appearing. “This night's turning out pretty well, after all.” He wrapped his arms around her shoulder and hugged her closely. “This not at all what I expected.”
“What did you expect?”
“I don't know really. I've gotten pretty good at not letting myself get my hopes up.”
Pam sighed and snuggled closer. “I'm so sorry,” she said. “That's my fault, isn't it?”
“It's okay,” he replied. “Really. Let's not waste any more time talking about it tonight.” He started stroking her back again. “I'd rather get back to where we were a few minutes ago.”
Pam pulled back and stood up, offering her hand to him. “Come on, then,” she said warmly.
Jim took her hand. “You're really sure?”
“Oh yes,” she smiled. “I've been waiting for you for a while now.”
He grinned and raised his eyebrows at her. “Not nearly as long as I've been waiting.”
She tugged on his hand as she walked backwards out of the living room. “Then get moving,” she teased. She watched him kick off his shoes, leaving them and his socks on the growing pile of castoff clothing.
She let out a small shriek when he surprised her by rushing at her, picking her up off the ground and over his shoulder. He walked into her bedroom and dropped her in the middle of her bed, and immediately climbed on top of her.
“Moving like that?” he asked.
Pam was still trying to catch her breath from both the surprise and her laughter. “Yeah, that was good.”
She giggled some more as he nuzzled her neck, but the mood in the room soon turned more serious as she felt his hands pushing up the skirt of her dress. When Jim whispered “Let's get you out of this,” Pam felt a shiver go down her spine that had nothing to do with feeling cold.
“You, too,” she replied, pushing him back so she could sit up.
They sat in the middle of her bed, taking turns at helping each other undress. First it was Jim's shirt. Then Pam's lovely dress, up over her head and billowing to the floor. Pam greatly enjoyed undoing his belt and pulling it slowly from its loops. She insisted his pants be removed next, even though Jim complained it was not her turn. He didn't resist when she pushed him back on the bed, however, and ran her nails along side his zipper. By the time she'd unbuttoned his pants and every-so-slowly lowered the zipper, Jim had slipped them off and kicked them on the floor. He grabbed her and rolled on top of her, kissing her thoroughly while pressing his hips against hers.
He trailed kisses from her mouth to her cheek and across to her ear, making her giggle when he gently bit her earlobe. “That tickles,” she complained feebly, enjoying it too much to actually want him to stop.
“Are you sure you want this?” he asked her again, kissing her behind her ear.
She turned her head towards his face. “Why do you keep asking me that question?”
Jim shook his head, his eyes drifting somewhere over her head. “I guess I just can't believe this is really happening.”
Her hands came up to his face, and she pulled him down to within a breath of hers. “Believe it,” she said, kissing him deeply. “I love you and you aren't going anywhere tonight.”
Her response seemed to remove all doubt from his mind, for soon their undergarments were on the floor, and Jim earlier reticence was replaced by an ardor Pam had only dreamed existed. She felt completely adored, as his lips and hands roamed her body, tenderly but insistently.
Her hands explored his body, and she couldn't help but curse herself for waiting for so long for this. So much wasted time. She felt like she wanted to make it all up to him tonight, somehow. He was kissing her breasts when she reached down and began to stroke him. She heard his groan and she smiled. With her free hand she guided his face to hers as kissed him, her tongue running along his lower lip, then his tongue deep in her mouth as he rolled onto her, his legs parting hers. She wrapped her legs up around his hips, and sucked greedily on his tongue, her body begging him to take her.
“I love you,” he said softly against her lips as he entered her.
It wasn't the most earth-shattering sex Pam had ever had, but it was him, and that made everything right. He felt so good inside her, and he took his time to make sure she came first. He followed almost immediately afterwards, and for a long time they laid together in silence, limbs entwined, Pam's head resting comfortably against his shoulder.
Pam couldn't help but think about how the day had unfolded, and it saddened her that there was someone who was about to be hurt by what had just happened. “I wish I would have told you how I felt when you first came back,” she said, breaking the stillness.
“I know,” he replied, his arm tightening around her. “We wasted so much time.”
“Not only that,” Pam said slowly, “but I worry about Karen now.”
Jim sat up on an elbow to look at her. “You're lying in bed with me, worried about Karen?”
“Yeah.”
He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “You're amazing. I'm going to go talk to her tomorrow. It won't be pretty, but I assure you, none of that is your fault. I should have known better than to think getting involved with anyone else but you was going to work out. I knew from the beginning that she could never be you.”
Pam let out a short laugh.
“What?” Jim asked.
She shook her head. “You really are a sucker for me, aren't you?” She asked, looking up into his expressive green eyes.
“Yes, yes, I'm afraid I am,” he replied. “And I have a suspicion that you are going to take full advantage of that.”
She pulled his head back down to kiss him once more. “You better believe it,” she grinned.
Author's Chapter Notes:
This is for Tori, because she's the one who made me take it from my head and put it down on paper (so to speak). So you know who to blame.
A shout out to Par5, just because she rocks.
Not mine, I know. But I can dream, right? No copywrite infringement intended, ever.
time4moxie is the author of 77 other stories.
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