Nurses and patients alike stopped in their tracks at the declaration wafting through the open clinic door. Suddenly intrigued, their ears perked, waiting for more details.
Sighing, Cuddy closed the door and everyone in the room could hear the low groans of protest and whispers coming from outside that door. She turned back to the chaos and her look of horrification mixed with complete confusion made House’s day. He was clearly a happy man. Practically giggling, House asked, “Haven’t you met Michael Scott?”
Cuddy’s face was red with anger as she said, “No. And why are you claiming you’re the father of my baby?”
Michael’s face fell but quickly rebounded. He threw a quick look at the camera then back at Cuddy. “Of course I am. I know why you don’t remember me…you were so drunk with passion and lust for me it overwhelmed you, causing temporary amnesia.” He smiled deeper at Cuddy who made no attempt to hide her exasperated eye roll.
Suddenly, as if for the first time, noticing the camera crew in the corner, her confusion grew. “Who are they and why are they here?” She asked as she pointed to the crew. Looking around, noting the bewildered and amused faces of Michael’s entourage, she asked again, “And who are YOU and what are you doing here?”
The rotund man shyly leered at Lisa. “She’s HOT. Score, Michael.”
Michael threw the man a peeved look. “Kevin, don’t be talking about the mother of my child like that. I won’t stand for it.”
***Meanwhile, House was having the time of his life. Being the keen observer of human nature, he noted the secret smiles and looks Jim and Pam were shooting each other when the other wasn’t looking; he noticed Geekizoid Dwight and hot-little-body blonde chick flirting secretively; he saw Kevin undressing Cuddy with his eyes. Looking down, House noticed the rapt attention of the sitting George, his keen brown eyes taking in everything. While the dog didn’t understand what was being said, the gestures and the tones made his huge floppy ears stand at attention. And House was loving every minute of this weird visit.***
Cuddy looked like she could blow a gasket. “FOR THE LAST TIME, WHO ARE YOU?” She screamed at the top of her lungs then placed a soothing hand on her unborn child.
Michael’s face dropped again and he held his hands up as if to protect himself. “Ok, ok. We met months ago at the Save-a-Lot in Scranton, PA. One thing led to another and now you’re carrying my child.”
Cuddy’s head tilted and her eyes clouded with clueless realization. “Are you that guy I gave mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to in the melon aisle?”
Michaels’ eyes lifted in relief and he gleefully clapped his hands. “Yes! Yes! That was me!” He smiled wider. “How you doing? What are we having?”
House was trying to hold back his grin of amazement…but was totally unsuccessful. He looked as happy as a pregnant woman eating chocolate. “So you really have met him? And you swapped spit with…with…him?” He asked incredulously.
Cuddy rolled her eyes. “No, it was mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. He claimed he couldn’t breathe.”
Michael shook his head and sighed happily. “You simply took my breath away. And when you held those matching casabas in front of you I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.”
“Oh brother,” Jim muttered, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose.
Cuddy narrowed her eyes…and House? Well, normally he didn’t want to have anything to do with idiots but this idiot is definitely the exception. The way he handled Cuddy brought him in high esteem in House’s book.
“You mean you were FAKING the whole time?”
“That’s what she said,” House piped in. Despite themselves, the entire room erupted in laughter, save the pregnant lady and the hot-body-blonde chick (I’ve really got to learn her name, House thought.)
“That’s not funny. It’s demeaning,” hot-body-blonde chick threw daggers at House.
“Angela, shut your pie hole.” The older redhead snapped.
“Meredith, that’s not nice. Angela’s just tightly wound.” Dwight glared at Meredith who stuck her tongue out in response.
“Children, shut up!” Cuddy roared…and the room quickly died down. Turning back to Michael, she sighed. “And I gave you my business card in case you had questions. That’s how you found me, isn’t it?” Michael nodded. “I haven’t seen you since and I left you at that store. Why do you think this baby’s yours?”
“Well, we kissed. Isn’t that enough?” The entire room fell in complete, almost deafening, silence. Not one person in there could believe what he just said. He really seemed to THINK that women could get pregnant by kissing. “But I don’t understand how you got pregnant. I mean, my girlfriend Jan and I kiss all the time but she hasn’t gotten pregnant yet.” He shook his head in complete bewilderment.
House, not quite sure of what to say next, simply went with the first thing that came to mind. “Maybe you’re not doing it right.”
The entire room gasped, chuckled or choked on nervous coughing. But Michael actually took that as sound advice. “You know, Doc, you may be right. I just need some practice.”
“You know, that’s a good idea.” House grinned wickedly. “In fact, we could practice now and Cuddy could be your model.”
Cuddy turned to House and narrowed her eyes. “I don’t think so.”
Michael shook his head. “That’s not a good idea. She’s already pregnant…all that excitement could harm my baby.” Another round of coughing, choking and chuckles resulted. Michael looked around the room. “Pam? Come on. We’ll use you.”
Pam’s eyes widened with fear. “No.”
“Come on.” He tilted his head and waved his hand. Pam looked at Jim who was staring at her with a smile threatening to break. “Yeah, Ms. Beesley. Go on.”
Deciding to play along with Jim, since he was INTENTIONALLY goading her, Pam turned back to Michael. “But I don’t want to get pregnant. I don’t want to be a single mother.”
House had to turn away to keep from laughing. “We’ll use protection.”
Jim was grinning even wider at this point. Turning to House he asked, “Exactly how does that work? I mean, what IS the most effective kissing-birth control method out there?”
House turned back around and tried to stand as studiously and seriously as possible. “Obviously the best method seems to be to not kiss Michael Scott.”
More laughter…even Angela seemed to be straining to not laugh. House turned to Pam. “But, in this case, since your boss is MAKING you kiss him, my suggestion would be to cross your fingers and your legs as he’s kissing you. That way, the “magic” of the kiss won’t produce a baby.”
More laughter. In fact, poor Meredith was doubled over, her face as red as her hair.
Pam, never flinching, sighed dramatically. “Ok. I just don’t know what’s worse: kissing Michael or the time he almost had me make out with a blow-up half-naked girlie doll in front of everyone in the office, to prove that being a lesbian is ok.”
House’s lip twitched up. “Are you a lesbian?”
It was Pam’s turn for an eye roll. “No. I think he just wanted to watch.”
“Damn. I wish I’d been there.” House muttered, causing Pam to harrumph with indignation.
“Ok,” Michael said, hopping down off the examination table. “Pam, come on. I’m ready for my kiss.” He closed his eyes and puckered up like Dudley Do-right.
By now Cuddy had decided to put a stop to this nonsense. It was just too ridiculous to even imagine. Stepping forward, she told Michael, “No one is kissing anyone. Michael, you think I got pregnant from your kiss. How did you even know I was pregnant?”
He opened his eyes and looked guiltily at his shoes. “A month ago I found your card at home and called the hospital. They told me you were pregnant and I knew I needed to come and take responsibility.”
For some odd reason, this strange, delusional little man actually touched her heart: he would be willing to do something like that. “Michael, we met four months ago when I was visiting my then-fiancée’s uncle. I was already almost two months pregnant then. I have the documents to prove it. You didn’t get me pregnant.”
Michael froze. “I didn’t?” Cuddy shook her head. He suddenly sighed with relief. “Well, that’s a relief. I was really scared coming down here. I’m not ready to be a father.”
“Thank God,” the heavy-set black man in the very back quietly deadpanned back.
“That’s right, Stanley. Thank God.” Michael relaxed once again.
“Listen, Michael,” House limped closer. “why don’t you go home and practice on Jan? Before you know it, she’ll be pregnant with your little Michael. Take my word for it. All you need is practice.” He clamped his hand on Michael’s shoulder. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Cuddy jump back, startled, a look of “What are you doing? You’re never that nice.”
“Another Michael? Heaven help us all,” Angela muttered.
Exactly, Greg thought as he watched the mismatched group file out of the examination room.
*****
“What in the name of…” Cuddy started then paused after the group trooped out, complete confusion written all over her face. She threw her hands up. “What was that?”
“THAT is what happens when you thoughtlessly use your lips on some poor unsuspecting chap…you get pregnant! Everyone KNOWS you can get pregnant by just kissing. I learned that when I was 8 years old.” Lisa stared at him for a moment…then broke out into giggles, not stopping until they became full-fledged laughter.
“My, my, my…I didn’t even know people like that existed.”
“Well, they are from Scranton.” House quipped.
"How would you like to work there?" Cuddy asked.
"If I wanted to willfully enter the nuthouse, I'd just go upstairs. But if they ever come back, bar them from the hospital. Michael's just a irritating little man but that Dwight guy is freakin' WEIRD. Better check your car, too. It could be covered by some odd...thing."
Cuddy nodded. Just another day at the office, she thought as she waddled back to her office.
*****
