“Thanks…thank you,” Pam said taking the steaming cup of hot chocolate out of Jim’s hand.

He sat down next to her and trained his eyes on the small television in the far corner of the emergency room waiting room. Jerry Springer. Wow. Somehow that seemed a fitting program for tonight. Loud public arguments, falling down a flight of stairs…Jerry would have eaten up.

Jim brought his own cup to his lips and sipped in spite of the heat. A little scalding of the tongue would at least make him feel something besides anxious.  

He glanced at Pam, who was much more cautious than he. She just stared at her hot chocolate.  

“He’s ok then?” 

“Yeah…fine,” she said and trained her eyes on Jerry.  

Jim tried to do the same.  

He failed. “So…did you call his mom, or – 

“No,” Pam said looking down at her cup. He watched as she fiddled with the recycled brown sleeve that enveloped it. “He made me promise that I’d only call his mother if he was dying.” 

Jim nodded. “Fair enough…Good thing he’s not…dying I mean.” He realized as soon as the words left his mouth that it sounded like he was being a jerk. Like he was joking about her boyfriend’s – exboyfriend’s? – possible death.  

At least his words had finally got her to look at him for God’s sake. What did she think? That he’d intentionally caused Roy to fall down the steps. It wasn’t his fault that his natural instinct was to duck when he saw a fist the size of a small dog coming towards his face.

 “I’m kidding,” Jim said quickly. “You know that…I don’t wish he were dead or anything. That’s…” 

“No…yeah. Of course. I wasn’t thinking that you did,” she said and he watched her smile awkwardly. Her hands still moving against that recycled sleeve. Moving up and down the cup. “I was just…I’m still his emergency contact, did you know that?” She said, finishing with yet another smile that Jim didn’t quite know how to read. 

How could he possibly know that? Why would he even want to know that? 

“He told me last week,” Pam went on. “Like it was some big romantic gesture…‘Hey babe, you know you’re still the one I want around if I break my head open, right? Just don’t let them pull the plug ok? Don’t ever let them pull the plug’.” 

Jim stayed silent. She didn’t seem finished yet. And it didn’t seem right to laugh at what an idiot he’d been.  

“He’s fine. He’s got a broken ankle, a sprained wrist, and a lot of bruises. He’ll be up and around in no time flat.” 

Jim nodded silently at the finality in her voice. What did that tone mean? What was going on in her head?  She had broken up with Roy tonight right? Hours ago now when Jim had still been at cocktail party, he thought he remembered her saying those words over the phone. That was what had caused all the drama between she and Roy in the first place. That and the fact that they had kissed each other last May. Let’s not forget that.  

Kissed each other, she had said. That’s how she’d put it to Roy. Did that mean anything?   

Jeez, he couldn’t think anymore. It was nearing 3 a.m. and his brain was absolutely fried. 

Pam took the first sip of her hot chocolate. Did it make her a horrible person that she was disappointed that Roy’s injuries hadn’t been more substantial? She didn’t want him to die anymore than Jim did, but what about a…a broken arm?…collar bone maybe?…Something that would have at least put him out of commission for awhile. Keep him away…give her time to think.  

She took another sip and then looked down at the cup. “Where did you get this?” Jim lifted his eyebrows.

“The cafeteria…well, I mean I put some milk in it. I bought some to put in mine so…Hot chocolate’s not really hot chocolate unless you use milk,” he said finishing with a slight smile. “Water does not cut it.” 

Pam felt her throat close up and turned immediately back to Jerry Springer. “It’s really good…thank you.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

They were silent for a long moment before Pam’s voice broke the tension, only to cause more.  

“I’m like them you know.” 

Jim frowned, then smiled at her.  “Like…who?” 

She gestured with her shoulder towards the television. Towards the Springer show. Back when she was in high school the kids had watched it for entertainment value. She’d never found it funny. Now she realized exactly why she hadn’t. She knew…even then she must’ve known on some level. 

“Those women…I’m like all those women on talk shows that just come off as idiots because they stay with a guy who has fights on their porch.” 

Jim made a face at the TV. “Actually those are women who are standing by their men throughout their sex change operations…so not entirely the same. Unless there’s something I don’t know about Roy…” 

Pam turned towards him. “I know it’s what you think. It’s what everybody at Poor Richard’s must’ve thought…you don’t have to let me off the hook. I get it now.” 

“Pam…I…It’s not my place to judge your decisions…neither is it anyone else’s.” 

She nodded slowly. Chuckled a bit bitterly. “Thank you so much…Jim Halpert…always so wise. It’s nice to know I’m not being judged.”

Anger burned in the pit of her stomach. How dare he choose now to let up. To live and let live. To give each their own. Did he know how infuriating it was to finally be freed of shackles but have absolutely no one to share that with? 

Couldn’t he tell how angry she was? With herself?   Because God help her…It wasn’t his fault. She knew he was over all the drama. And quite honestly it wasn’t Roy’s fault either. He was just a guy who had found the perfect girl to make him feel good about himself.   

Jim looked down at his hands. “Pam…whatever you want to do with Roy is completely up to you.” 

“Right…th-thank you,” she said right before her face crumpled She couldn’t help it. She tried. She’d been trying her damndest not to cry in front of Jim for so long. For more than just tonight. It had been building for so long that she couldn’t hold it in a minute longer.  

He didn’t care anymore. She could do ‘whatever she wanted’ with Roy. It was the most hurtful thing he’d ever said to her, and he didn’t even know it. He thought he was doing what was best for the both of them.  

Afterall she didn’t love him. Afterall he loved Karen. 

She felt Jim pull the hot chocolate out of her trembling hands and lay it on the floor next to his feet, she felt him pull her towards his chest. She felt him put his chin atop of her head. She lay there for a moment, just feeling the warmth of his chest. The heat radiated through the delicate fabric of a shirt that had been laundered with softener, from a man who put milk in his hot chocolate.  

How had she let it all slip right through her fingertips? 

She thought back to those brief few seconds when she’d been happy tonight. When he’d called to say he was in her parking lot. Before all hell had broken loose. For those few brief seconds she’d thought to herself – well maybe…Maybe he still loves me. Maybe he couldn’t bear the thought of me alone tonight thinking of all that’s gone wrong.  

What he hadn’t been able to bear was the thought of her being terrorized by Roy. Nothing more.  

“Hey…hey…I’m sorry,” Jim said, whispering. He combed his fingers through her hair. “I know tonight’s been…crazy. The longest night in the history of all nights, and I probably didn’t help matters any…I know it, but I couldn’t help myself……Which has always been my problem, huh?” 

Always, and even now. God even now when she was clearly distraught and had been through hell all he could really think about was how good it felt to get to hold her like this. How much better it would feel to kiss her. Taste the salt of those tears…Kiss them away. 

Because for all intents and purposes Karen had been right. He did indeed want to kiss it and make it better. 

Pam pulled slightly away from him. “You think this is about a night?” He stared blankly at her. What? What were they talking about now? “God this…I can take this,” she said then, pulling completely out of his arms. “This is not about…”she cut herself off. “This isn’t the first time Roy’s gone ballistic, Jim. It’s not the first time he’s flipped out on my porch. The first time it happened, it was my 21st birthday – 

He didn’t want to hear this. “Pam – 

“No, let me finish….It was my 21st birthday and I had this friend…Lisa. Lisa’s birthday was two days before mine so we would always have our party together, you know – 

Jim nodded, feeling a bit like a spectator looking on before the accident actually occurred, but knowing – knowing that it would. Somebody needed to intervene and intervene quickly. Only he couldn’t because he was frozen still. He was about become a victim of the same crash.  

“Anyway…Lisa had this cousin…Dave. Dave had this crush on me…and Roy thought that maybe something was going on…I was so angry at him. He was completely out of line…he wound up having to be escorted out of the party…He showed up at my apartment that night…screaming…wanting to know what kind of whore I was…he actually carved a few of his ideas on that topic into my door with his key……some things never change. Sometimes people don’t change…sometimes they do.” 

Jim didn’t ask why she’d stayed. Why even then at 21, with the world at her feet, why she’d stayed with him. He knew the answer wouldn’t satisfy him. Would in fact probably piss him off.  

“Pam I…I’m sorry that this happened, Hell I’m even sorry that that happened and I didn’t even know you then…but I don’t know what you want me to say…You know what I think. You know I think you deserve so much more than anything he’s ever given you. You know I - 

“Then why did you leave!” 

Her voice shattered him. His mouth fell open and he sat back. And then leaned forward, shaking his head… 

She ran him over again before he could even grasp a thought and hold on. “For the last 8 months I have waited for the perfect opening or moment……Roy is nothing compared to that…tonight doesn’t even matter…” Pam covered her face again.  

“Pam what are you saying?…I had to leave. How can you ask me why? Do you even understand how into you I was? I was wrecked.” 

“Was…” Pam nodded. “Yeah.” 

Jim tilted his head towards her, biting back an expletive, he said, “Seriously, Pam?…Come on. Neither one of us is dumb enough to believe that I showed up on your doorstep tonight because I ‘used’ to have a thing for you. You know that I…” he shook his head. “Damn it! The problem is, it doesn’t matter. The problem is…all of this,” he said gesturing between them. “Doesn’t seem to be enough!” 

Pam blinked back tears, finding his eyes. “You’re with Karen.” She’d the name like it’d made her throat burn to say it. 

He shook his head. “No…I’m not.” 

At her look of confusion, he explained. “I’m not with Karen, Pam…Not after tonight. I couldn’t just not know what was going on. After your phone call…I…” he shrugged. “I needed to know you were ok….” 

“And she – 

“Well let’s just say she wasn’t ok with that….she’s never really been ok with you.” 

“I – I’m sorry.”

Jim sighed and came dangerously close to getting up and throwing his chair through the glass window across from them. Then what were all the tears for? Why was she so angry with him for leaving! “You are?” 

She looked down at where her hands rested on her knees. “No.” 

Jim shut his eyes. Please God… 

When he opened them, she was staring back at him. “I’m not sorry that she’s out of your life…I’m not.” 

Jim pursed his lips. “I’m not sorry Roy’s here in the hospital......actually I’m pretty pissed he fell down because I really wanted to hit him…and it just seemed wrong to do it once he was already lying there…” 

In spite of everything, she smiled. She actually managed to smile. Pam reached up and dashed quickly at the tears under her eyes. “I kind of wanted you to…hit him I mean.” 

Jim let a long breath out of his mouth on a whoosh. “Where the hell does that leave us, Pam? I mean I’m afraid to really guess what this conversation even means…does it mean I get select membership in the same club with Dave? ” 

Pam sniffled. “No you can’t be in the same club because…Because I didn’t have a crush back…on Dave.” 

Jim swallowed. “You have a crush on me…back?” 

She shook her head and he nearly choked her, before she said. “I love you. I am in love with you.” 

Just then that all familiar chanting began on the television. “Jerry – Jerry – Jerry…”

Jim smiled and Pam smiled back.  “Well,” Jim began, inching towards her. His fingers trailing along her jawline. “With that said…they are chanting so…” 

“They’re chanting, ‘Jerry,’” Pam said through a giggle. “Not exactly the epitome of romance, Jim.” 

It was the first of her giggles in what seemed like forever. It was music to his ears. All the music he needed to drown out the television and any thoughts of what they still faced in terms of Roy. Music enough to drown out everything but her eyes…her mouth… 

“Mmm…true Pam…I prefer to think the crowd is chanting…Kiss – kiss – kiss…”  

“Better…”