Jim --
Please don't be alarmed by this letter. I'm writing it with no intention of hurting you. I only hope you can give me your attention and understanding. I know your feelings for me may not allow you to, but I ask it out of the sympathy of your heart to do this for me.
I know neither of us have talked to the other lately, I know feelings have been hurt again, and for that I am truly sorry. I've realized in the past year that there have been many times -- both before you left and after you returned -- when I hurt you. I hope you believe me when I say it was never my intention to do so. Jim, I thought there were times when you had feelings for me. In looking back at my actions towards you since the day I met you, I realized there were so many instances when I should have seen that. And frankly, there were times when I definitely felt it, times when I could just see the light in your eyes when you looked at me in the middle of the day. Then I would go home with Roy again at night and feel this darkness, this ache, and all I wanted was that light from you again. But when I looked back on those moments, I've realized how I must've caused you pain. I still can't forgive myself for that and I can't tell you in words how truly sorry I am for all those times. You have to believe me when I tell you it was never intentional. As much as there were times when I just wanted to touch you or kiss you, I held back thinking it was going to hurt me too much and be too hard for me to change the things that had been put in motion in my life. By the time I realized that I could change things and it would be ok to take a leap of faith, you were gone and you had left because of me.
I also know you were probably hurt by the fact that I never told you myself that I cancelled the wedding, but I can't apologize for that. Out of everything that happened that summer, I was more angry with you than with Roy. You expected me to immediately change my life after you were the one who finally made a decision to say something. You wanted me to change ten years of my life, to change the future I had expected for myself because of your actions on one night. You turned my world upside down and then left me at a time when I needed you the most. You never called me even after I found out that you knew the wedding was cancelled. You completely dropped any connection with me. You punished me for not making my decision fast enough for you. Yes, maybe I should have called you, but maybe you should have called me too.
And now I'm alone while you have someone in your life. I know I probably can't compete with Karen. I know she may be smarter, prettier, or more ambitious than I am. But Jim, you never gave me a chance to compete. You could have at least given me a chance to fight. You could have at least taken my invitation to go out and have coffee, to talk about all the things that WE missed in each others' lives while I was here and you were there. I never got that opportunity.
In the end, it was because of Roy and his actions that ended our relationship, not because of you. And it was because of Roy's actions in the past month that I ended our relationship again. Everyday, though, as much as I hurt in the months afterward, I am so thankful to you and what you said to me that night last year. You made me realize that I could be happy, that I deserved to be happy, and that you wanted nothing more than to see me happy. For that, Jim, I am so eternally grateful to you. I only hope you understand that my words are the same to you. Roy wasn't the right person for me, I can see that now. Jim, I can also see that Karen isn't the right person for you. You don't seem genuinely happy with her and I don't want you to make the same mistake that I did by wasting so many years with someone who didn't truly appreciate me. More than anything, Jim, you deserve to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted for you and I believe that's all you ever wanted for me.
I want you to believe that everything in this letter comes from the truth in my heart -- all the good and all the bad. I just couldn't keep silent anymore, especially after these weeks of darkness between us. I couldn't sit quietly by any longer without at least telling you how ardently I admire and love you.
Pam
***
Jim laid the last page of the letter at his feet. He took a deep breath and suddenly realized his cheeks were wet with tears. He had no concept of time or of how long he had been there, but he didn't want to get up either. He just wanted to sit and digest it all.
Pam's criticisms of him were warranted and even more so now. She needed him last year when she called off her wedding and she needed him this year to tell her that going back to Roy again was a mistake. He was her friend and as her friend, he should have been there for her when she needed him the most, both then and now. But both times, he seemed so wrapped up in how he felt, in what he wanted, in how he was hurt, that he never considered reaching out a hand to help her as his friend.
Jim's back began to ache from leaning up against the wall, so he stood up and grabbed the letter from the floor. He made sure each page was safe from creases or wrinkles as he carefully folded it back up and delicately slipped it into his bag. He put his arms through the sleeves of his coat and took the stairs down instead of going back to the elevator.
The lobby of the building was empty and quiet with only the slight hum from the florescent lights in the ceiling. He walked through the parking lot to his car -- the only one still left there -- and drove home.
Jim sat on his couch that night and reread the letter another four times. Each time, he let go of more of the pride that held him back from letting Pam fill that one piece of his life that would finally make him feel whole.
He checked his voice mail before going to bed. There were four messages from Karen -- he had completely forgotten about going over for dinner. He just didn't feel the need to remember anything about her anymore.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks again to my mighty fine betas. Well, I think they're fine. I've never seen them in person but I'm sure fireworkfiasco, peskipiksi, and xoxoxo are hot. Here's the letter you've all be waiting for!
Btw, I don't own the people below and some of the words I swiped from Jane Austen. I hope she won't sue me for that.
