Kevin has been on many, many diets. Some days, when he’s bored, he tries to think of all the different ways he tried to lose weight during his lifetime. It started when he was six and his mom bought nothing but carrots and apples one week. He had gone over to his friend Bobby’s house every afternoon and eaten a bag of chips or three chocolate bars. When he got home and his mom offered him an apple, he’d tell her he wasn’t hungry. She was proud at first, but then Bobby’s mom had called to complain that Kevin was eating her out of house and home. Then he wasn’t allowed to go to Bobby’s anymore. But there were always M&M’s in a bowl on the table after that.

            Stacy gets on him all the time these days, trying to get him to go to the gym with her. “I can’t tonight,” he always says. “I’m tired from work.” And even though she must know that he can’t possibly be tired from sitting in an air conditioned office all day, she usually drops it. But then she sneaks healthy food into his lunch, as if he wouldn’t notice the rice cakes where his Doritos ought to be.

            At least he always has that jar of M&Ms on his desk, for days when she replaces his Swiss Cake Rolls with orange slices.