“3. Keep a strong contrast.”

Pam never had the luxury of contrasting Roy and Jim before she knew how Jim felt. She never compared them; she didn’t feel the need to. They were two separate entities in her life: Roy was her lover. Jim was her friend.

If only she’d realized earlier that “friend” and “lover” could be one and the same.

The painting was beginning to take shape. Her darks were dark and her lights were light. She was starting to see what the end result could look like.

***

“We watched a video on our changing bodies.” Pam giggled.

Jim raised an eyebrow. “Did you really?”

“No.” She laughed. “Almost.”

He put his hands in his pockets and smiled at her.

She suddenly had an urge to tell him. “But.. hey. Something kinda cool... there’s this internship in graphic design that Jan was telling us about. She made it sound... like, really great.” Pam played with her necklace while she told him. It was a nervous tic, and talking about her art made her a little nervous.

“Nice! What’s it all about? I think you should do it.” He grinned at her. It was so easy to talk to him about these things. “That’s great!”

“It’s really cool.” She handed him the pamphlet Jan had given her and told him about the details. He hung on every word.

“Well, you know I’m your number one fan, Beesley.” He handed the pamphlet back to her. “I know you’ll do great. It’s about time you got out there!”

Pam thought about it all day. She could definitely make it work, as long as she was willing to give it the time and effort. And she was, because it sounded fantastic. She couldn’t wait to tell Roy about it.

It wasn’t as easy as she thought it would be.

“Come on, Pammy. If you do this, what am I going to do on the weekends? I’ll practically never see you anymore.”

She sighed. “I know, Roy, I thought about that too. But it’s only for six months, and it could be great, you know? It could be really good for me.”

His frustration was evident. “Didn’t you already take classes in college for this stuff? And it didn’t get you anywhere.”

The words stung a bit. It was true. She’d always been a little too afraid to show her portfolio anywhere. For some reason, lately, she had been feeling different lately.

“Babe, I really want to try this,” she said. It hadn’t occurred to her she might have to sell him on it.

“I don’t want you doing it. It doesn’t guarantee anything’s going to happen, and in the end it’s only going to wind up being a huge waste of time.”

She bit her lip and looked down. She hated to admit it to herself, but he was probably right.

“Don’t worry, Pammy. Someday you’ll have all the time in the world to paint and do all that crap.”

When?

He gave her back the pamphlet and walked out of the room.

The enthusiasm and excitement she was feeling earlier had completely disappeared. She knew she wouldn’t convince Roy this opportunity was worthwhile. And she couldn’t fully commit to it without his support.

She trudged back over to her desk, tossing the pamphlet into the trash can. Jim noticed and looked up at her. They exchanged a brief glance, and she knew he knew exactly what had happened.

She suddenly felt uncomfortable with him looking at her like that. Like he knew what she was feeling and thinking. It was unnerving.

He followed three minutes behind her into the break room to “get some coffee.” She was sitting alone at a table and looked up at him.

He looked disappointed in her. She didn’t like it. “So, you’re not doing it.” It wasn’t a question, it was more of a statement.

“How did you know?”

He wasn’t going to explain he had practically overheard everything. “Why not?” he almost whispered.

“Just- no big reason. Just a bunch of little reasons.” She was hedging.

He set down the coffee pot and turned to lock eyes with her. He was imploring her not to B.S. him. “Come on.”

She couldn’t lie to Jim. “Roy’s right. There’s no guarantee that it’s gonna lead to anything anyway.” Her voice was sad.

“Roy said that.” Again, it was more of a statement than a question.

She felt that discomfort again. As if he was seeing directly into her. “What? You have something you want to say?” She wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear it.

“You gotta take a chance on something sometime, Pam.” He was being serious. Jim was rarely serious, so she knew he meant it. “I mean, do you want to be a receptionist here, always?”

She knew he didn’t mean to hurt her, but she flinched. Her eyes widened. It hurt because it was true, and she was embarrassed Jim knew her own secret fear.

So she got defensive. “Oh, excuse me. I’m fine with my choices,” she declared with such false conviction she almost believed it herself.

Jim took her in. “You are?”

“Yeah.” She was mad at him. How dare he ask her that.

He looked at her for a minute. She set her jaw and looked away. She had nothing more to say to him.

“Okay.” He stirred his coffee and tossed the stick into the trash. He walked out the door, his eyes never leaving her.

She wanted to follow him out and apologize for being so defensive. He always seemed to have her best interests at heart and she wasn’t sure why she felt such irrational anger. She wanted to, but she didn’t.

She picked up her mixed berry yogurt and angrily stirred it. The lid promised there would be no fruit on the bottom, but there it was again. Fruit on the bottom. I‘m trying a different brand next time, she thought.

She knew she wouldn’t.

***

The memory made her hungry for a yogurt. She grabbed one out of the fridge and peeled the lid off. She sat back at the easel and looked at her unfinished painting. She realized she had no idea what to do next. She had forgotten the original composition.

She got to the bottom and found those damn chunks of strawberry. She didn’t want to deal with them, so she pushed them aside and ate around them.