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 Two weeks after he proposed, Pam mentions her mom wants to throw them an engagement party.  Roy rolls his eyes, saying that it would be more of a burden for them than a celebration, except he says “pain in the ass” instead of burden and “fucking party” instead of celebration.  Pam corrects his language in her head a lot to soften the blow.  She speaks softly so as not to anger him more, and says that it would mean a lot to her.  He doesn’t say anything but just turns and walks out of the room, muttering under his breath how her mother is just grateful that she’s finally got Pam “taken care of.”  Tears begin to gather in her eyes and she blinks hard trying to get them to stop.  She looks down at her ring finger, still bare because Roy didn’t have a ring at the time he proposed.  He said he wanted them to pick it out together.  It’s been two weeks and she’s afraid to bring it up. She hears the bedroom door slam and she wonders if this is what her future holds.  She walks with some newfound courage in her step toward the bedroom, one hand poised and ready to knock.  Then the confidence shatters and she retreats to the kitchen where she calls her mom to say thank you but it’s just not a good time for a party and maybe when they set a date they can have a small get-together.

x

He promised several times that he would take it off of his computer.  But this is about the tenth time she’s found it and she feels utterly helpless.  She’s screaming at him in their living room and he won’t look her in the eye.  She uses words like “cheap”, “filthy”, “inadequate” and “why can’t I be enough?”  He goes to put a hand on a shoulder and she flinches away, but then she breaks down and starts leaving tear stains on his work uniform.  He pulls her close and breathes familiar phrases into her hair, using words like “Sorry”, “means nothing”, and “delete it all tonight.” She’s still shaky and without thinking blurts out “No.”  He takes her by the shoulders to look her in the eyes and it makes her shake even more.  He asks what she said, and she just shakes her head, mumbling “Never mind.”  She sleeps at her sister’s place that night, but he’s outside blaring the truck’s horn the next morning.  She listens to her sister beg her not to go with him, that she’ll give her a ride to work, but Pam sadly squeezes her hand and drags herself out to the truck.  She climbs in and he gives her a kiss on the cheek, making her crack a forced smile.  They don’t say a word the entire ride.

xx

She is tearing her cocktail napkin into little pieces, making white confetti on the bar.  He usually came back after storming out, after about fifteen minutes or so when he’d had time to cool off.  But it’s been about 45 minutes and Pam is starting to panic.  It was yet another insignificant fight, and she could barely remember what it was about but she thinks it might have started with the bartender smiling at her.  From there it escalated till Roy slammed his drink down and left the bar without saying a word.  She felt the bartender looking at her now but she didn’t want to look up. Not when she was so close to having an anxiety attack in the middle of Poor Richard’s.  Then suddenly her cell phone is out and she is dialing Jim’s number.  The words “Roy left” are barely out of her mouth before he says he is on his way and hangs up the phone.  He must have broken every traffic law in the book because he is there in five minutes when she knows he lives at least fifteen minutes away.  She’s a little dizzy when she gets up from the bar stool and he has to catch her elbow so she doesn’t fall over.  He doesn’t say anything for a while till finally he asks what she wants to do.  She manages to choke out “home”, and she can hear him make a slight grumble in his throat.  He puts an arm around her shoulders and simply says “Okay” and leads her out to the parking lot.  He drives slowly to her place and when they pull up Roy’s truck is in the driveway.  She gives Jim a small smile and politely says “Thank you.”  He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it again, giving his head a small shake before replying “Anytime.”  She gingerly steps out of his car and gives a small wave before walking to the front door.  She hears the shower running and makes her way to the bedroom, undressing slowly and leaving her clothes in a pile by the bed.  She pulls on a nightgown and climbs into bed, not caring about the taste of beer still in her mouth or the makeup stains surrounding her eyes.  A few minutes later she’s still awake and Roy comes out of the shower.  He stares at her in bed for a moment and asks who brought her home.  She says she called a cab, rolls over and closes her eyes, begging for sleep to come.

xxx

Her knuckles are white from gripping the pamphlet so tight.  She’s embarrassed that they’re fighting at work, but it never occurred to her that he’d be so against her taking the internship. She looks down at the carpet while he rants about how it’s a dumb idea and it will never amount to anything.  But what she hears is that she’s dumb and that she’ll never amount to anything.  Receptionist and warehouse worker are at the same rung in the corporate ladder, and any change in that is apparently out of the question.  Then he brings up the wedding and how he set a date and did she really want to postpone it for some finger-painting?  Pam doesn’t think of herself as a violent person but feels like now might be an appropriate time to start.  But she keeps her palm at her side and feels him brush briskly by her.  After a few minutes, when she knows he’s back to work, she finds Jan outside leaning against the building and smoking a cigarette.  She says that now isn’t a good time to be doing anything outside of work, what with the wedding coming up and all, but thanks anyway.  Jan looks disappointed but nods in understanding.  Pam tries to hand the pamphlet back but Jan refuses to take it.  She pats Pam’s hand and says to keep it, just in case. She puts out her cigarette and crushes it with her heel and moves back into the office.  Pam feels a chill run through her and rubs her arms for warmth.  She turns toward the front doors and throws the pamphlet in a trashcan before going back inside.

xxxx

Its five days before her wedding and she’s sitting in a leather chair watching her fingernails be painted a light pink.  Her mother is next to her, chatting about the latest disaster with the caterer and the ordeal she went through with the florist.  Pam nods in the right places but continues to stare at her nails.  The manicurist is now working on her left ring finger, brushing on the nail polish and careful not to get any on the surrounding skin.  She compliments her ring and asks when the big day is.  Her mother answers for her and proceeds to unfold all of the carefully planned details.  Pam looks up at the TV hanging in the corner, the channel set to the news.  The weatherman predicts nothing but sun in eastern Pennsylvania for the next week.  He says that western Connecticut won’t be so lucky and mentions heavy showers expected on the coast and inland cities like Stamford.  She wonders if Jim brought his tattered brown umbrella she always teased him about or bought a new one when he moved.  After the nail salon, her mom takes her to lunch.  Pam picks at her salad while her mom tells the waitress all about the wedding and how she never thought it would get here.  Pam reaches for her iced tea when her hand is intercepted and thrown in front of their server, who gazes at her ring and says something about “being so lucky.”  Pam smirks as she observes that the freshman-in-college sounds an awful lot like Kelly.  She offers them dessert, on the house since it’s a special occasion, but Pam declines. After the waitress scurries away, she looks up at her mother who is looking at her with concern.  All she has to say is “Pam” and like flipping on a switch, Pam bursts into tears, covering her face with her hands.  Her mother gets up from her chair and wraps her arms around her, stroking her hair.  “Jim?” is all she asks and Pam nods.  Her mother asks for the check and they spend the rest of the day figuring out who to call and what to cancel.  Pam requests that she talk to Roy first and her mother takes her home.  Roy is sitting on the couch with Darryl when she walks in, the TV loud with the sounds of cheering fans and cracking bats.  She doesn’t say hello but instead asks Darryl if he wouldn’t mind leaving.  Roy begins to protest but she cuts him off, asking Darryl once again to give them privacy.  He agrees and says to Roy he’ll see him tomorrow at work.  When he’s gone, Roy asks what the hell was wrong with her and she sits down next to him, unable at first to look him in the eye.  Finally she meets his gaze and for the first time in their relationship, tells him exactly what is wrong.

xxxxx