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A/N: You guys, your feedback has been amazing and is seriously what is fueling this story. You rock. I struggled a bit with this chapter and so a huge thanks goes to Cousin Mose for helping me out. This chapter wouldn’t be up right now if it weren’t for you. And of course thank you to all who’ve been following this story, it means a lot. Enjoy this chapter, and keep those reviews coming!
Disclaimer: If I ever own The Office, it’ll probably be a sign of the apocalypse.
Jim watched Karen’s taillights disappear from the parking lot, and was overcome with mixed feelings of hurt and relief. His relentless love for Pam had hurt yet another woman, another woman that he had thought maybe he could move on with. But there was a bigger part of him that had stopped him from doing it. And at the moment, Jim was glad it did.
He looked at the ground for a bit, shuffling his feet, listening to Pam’s shallow breathing next to him.
“I’m sorry,” she said after a couple minutes of silence.
“Don’t be.”
“No, that was…I was her friend, you know? Or at least I tried to be, and then I just let myself…” Pam rambled, beginning to pace by her car.
“Pam, calm down…” Jim grabbed her bare shoulders gently in an effort to make her sit still.
“Why didn’t you go after her?”
He certainly wasn’t expecting that question, especially from Pam. Wasn’t it obvious? Then again, Jim thought, nothing had really been said aloud. It was a multitude of inside jokes, glances, and touches that when put together clearly spelled out why Jim hadn’t gone after Karen. He knew Pam wanted to hear him say it, yet he still didn’t have the heart. She needed to take this one, and if it meant giving her a little nudge in the right direction, so be it.
Jim looked at her earnestly. “Why didn’t you marry Roy?”
Pam opened her mouth, her eyes wide with fear. “That’s not fair.”
“Neither is watching my girlfriend/ride drive away from me, Pam, but I’m still here. Neither is finding out from Michael of all people that you called off your wedding, but I’m still here. Neither is physically removing myself from the state when you turned me down because I was in so much pain. And yet I’m still here.” He wasn’t completely comfortable with his tone of voice, but he was so scared of losing the momentum they had been building up that night, a little tough love was necessary.
“How the hell was I supposed to tell you that I didn’t get married? Send you a quick e-mail saying ‘Hey Jim! How’s Stamford? By the way, I called off my wedding!’”
“Which is so much worse than the e-mail I got from Michael saying ‘Jimboree, your Pamorama view is now single. Why don’t you get on that like white on rice?’”
“Right, because you’re so great at communication. You didn’t even tell me you were transferring, Jim! You left without even so much as a goodbye!”
“You broke my heart!” Jim shouted but then grew quiet as his words echoed in his head. He looked down when he spoke again. “I could barely look at you, let alone say goodbye to you.”
He looked up and saw Pam’s eyes glistening with tears. Jim swallowed hard to keep the lump from rising in his throat.
“I have to go,” she said quietly.
“Pam, wait—“ Jim croaked. But before he could stop her, she climbed into her car and sped off. For the second time that night, Jim watched a pair of taillights pull away from the parking lot. The difference was, his heart trailed after the second car.
xxx
And just in case Jim didn’t have his fill of humiliation, he was forced to ask Michael for a ride home. He briefly thought he’d be able to go the fifteen-minute ride back to his apartment without being interrogated. But Michael wanted, as he put it, “the dealio.”
“Karen and I broke up tonight…sort of.”
“You gave her the axe huh? Kicked her to the curb? Left her high and dry? Hit it then quit it?”
“Wow, okay, stop. I didn’t plan on it ending tonight, it just happened.”
Michael eyed Jim. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with our little Pamwich, would it?”
Jim pulled at a thread coming loose on the passenger’s seat. “Yeah, it did. We had this, moment I guess, in the parking lot and Karen saw it.”
“Well if you two had a moment, why didn’t she drive you back to your place to…” Michael wagged his eyebrows.
Jim rolled his eyes. “Things just got weird, we started yelling at each other, and she just left. I don’t know, I thought that after Karen left, it was clear where we stood. And she just ran away…again.”
“Did you try and stop her?”
“No! I’m tired of running after her!” Jim shouted. He took a deep breath, frustrated with allowing himself to be vulnerable again, and of all places, in front of Michael.
“Sorry, I’m just frustrated,” Jim said, shaking his head and staring out the passenger window.
“No problem, Jim Bean. And listen, don’t be so hard on Pam. She’ll come around, and if you really love her, you’ll wait.”
Jim was taken aback at his boss’s oddly logical advice. For all of Michael’s immature and often-inappropriate behavior, he had a good heart and Jim was grateful for it. He gave a crooked smile.
“Thanks Michael, I’ll see you on Monday,” Jim said as the car pulled up in front of his apartment.
“Yes indeedy. Hey do you want some company? We could open a couple of brewskies, play some X-Box—“
“You know what, sounds tempting, but I’m pretty wiped out. Take a rain-check though!” And before Michael could say another word, Jim shut the passenger door, giving one last wave before sprinting upstairs.
The apartment felt cold, and for the first time since he’d moved in, he wished he still had a roommate. Karen had been over so much that she had started to feel like one and Jim was used to having the company. It hadn’t been a bad relationship at all, one of his healthiest in fact. They had fallen into a comfortable routine that Jim was sure that he could get used to. Eventually. After work she’d come over and make dinner for the two of them, which Jim didn’t mind at all since she made incredible Italian food. They would talk for hours over wine, or watch mindless reality TV. Then they’d retreat to bed, holding each other close till they drifted away to sleep. It had never gone beyond that, and as Jim thought back on it realized that it should have been an indication of him still loving Pam. Every time things seemed to be leading to something more intimate with Karen, he’d stop it. In his gut he knew it would be taking advantage, and he refused to let himself be that kind of guy.
A curling iron was strewn about the bathroom counter next to a can of hairspray and some makeup. It was all that was left of a relationship based on denial and his desperate need to move on.
xxx
Jim groaned as he heard a loud pounding on his door the next morning. It was Sunday, and the thought of doing anything other than drinking beer, watching football and wallowing made him sick. By the ferocity of the knocking, he knew exactly who was on the other side of the door. He threw on an old t-shirt and shuffled his way over to the door, rubbing his eyes in an attempt to wake up. He opened the door to reveal a tired looking Karen, holding a single cardboard moving box.
Jim leaned against the doorframe. “Hey.”
“I just came by to pick some stuff up. I brought over the few things you left at my place.” Karen’s voice was stiff, trying not to show any emotion. Jim knew she worked hard to maintain her tough exterior, and he felt pangs of guilt knowing that he had caused that exterior to crumble the night before. Karen looked over Jim’s shoulder. “She’s not…I mean, is she…”
“No, she’s not here. Come on in.” Karen walked briskly into the apartment, heading straight for his bedroom. He could hear whatever items were in the box being dumped forcefully onto the bed. Jim groaned, knowing he was in for a rough morning. He found that being emotionally drained was a lot like a hangover: a dull pain resonating throughout his body that could be slightly cured with either time or more alcohol. Since he had neither, he opted for coffee and moved to the kitchen to make the strongest pot possible.
He heard Karen move on into the bathroom, rummaging through cabinets and carelessly tossing them into the box. She finally emerged back into the living room, placing the box on his coffee table with a sigh.
“I think I got everything. If you find anything else, bring it to work tomorrow,” she said as she looked in her purse for her keys, not looking up at Jim.
“Wait, Karen, stay for a minute. I’ve…got coffee,” he offered weakly. She finally turned her head to him. Yep, he thought, there’s that look: the one that could wound. He’d been on the receiving end of that look in a teasing way before, but this one was for real.
Karen nodded and took a seat at the kitchen table, drumming her fingers softly against the wooden surface. Jim poured her a cup, making it the way she knew she liked: black with one packet of Splenda. He didn’t particularly like the sweetener, but he’d started buying it for her when things had gotten more serious.
“Thanks,” she said softly as he handed her the cup, taking the chair across from her.
Jim stared down at his own mug of coffee, unsure of how to begin. He didn’t know how much of his past with Pam she wanted to hear, and was terrified of upsetting her.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” she asked finally.
Jim sat thoughtfully for a moment, figuring out where to begin. He proceeded to tell her the entire story: how they’d met, her dysfunctional relationship with Roy, the friendship they created, and how he’d finally told her of his feelings only to be turned down. He explained that that was his reason for the transfer to Stamford.
“Then I met you. You were beautiful and intelligent and kept me from losing my mind at work. And I thought that it was something I could get on board with. Finally being with someone who actually wanted to be with me too.” He paused before continuing. “But then the merger happened. And seeing her again made me realize that I only thought I had moved on. One of those ‘out of sight, out of mind’ things, you know? Like if I was somewhere else where I didn’t have to see her everyday, it meant that I could get past her. But it turns out that wasn’t the case.” He reached out and took her hand, holding it gently.
“I’m so sorry I put you in the middle of this. It was unfair and I’m sorry you had to find all of it out like you did.”
Karen gave a small smile. “Well, thank you for coming clean. It explains a lot.” She took a final sip of her coffee before getting up from the table.
“Congratulations on getting her, Jim. I know she’ll make you happy.”
“A little too soon for congratulations, I think. We somehow got into a fight last night after you left and I have no idea where we stand.”
Karen looked puzzled. “Well, did you tell her how you feel?”
Jim was starting to grow tired of that question and sighed in exasperation. “No, but I thought it was pretty obvious.”
Karen shook her head with a smile. “Halpert, every time I start to think you’re different from other guys, you reassure me that you aren’t. You can’t expect her to just assume how you feel just from last night. She needs to hear it. Now I know you’ve already put yourself out there once,” Karen held out a hand as Jim began to protest. “But you’re the guy. You need to initiate these things. At least make an attempt to see her, and I bet you she’ll open up. She just needs to know you want to hear it.”
Jim was in awe of how adult Karen was handling this. They had just broken up and she was giving him advice on how to get the woman he loves. He opened the front door for her and smiled.
“You’re great, Filipelli. You’re going to find someone a lot better for you than I ever could have been.”
“Yeah, I know,” she winked at him. “Good luck.” They exchanged a hug before she carried her now-full box down the stairs to her car. Jim closed the door, breathing a sigh of relief and mustered up some courage as he grabbed his phone and dialed Pam’s number.
