Chapter Eleven

His hand reaches out and feels the space beside him empty.

And he panics.

Did I just imagine this? Was I dreaming? He’s half conscious and is having trouble focusing. Because it could very well have been a dream.

He sits up and opens his eyes slowly. He tries to clear his head and it’s then he can hear something.

He thinks it’s gargling.

She walks back into the room, wearing his shirt and she looks simply adorable. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and stops short when she sees he’s awake.

“Hey.” She smiles, twisting the edge of the shirt in her hand.

“Hey.” He looks at her, his eyes filled with amusement. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” She shrugs and sits down on the bed beside him. Despite the fact that she spent the night wrapped in his arms she finds herself keeping her distance.

How does this work? She thinks desperately. I have no idea what to do next.

“Where’ve you been?” He prods, trying to calm her. She looks nervous. He doesn’t want her to be.

“Bathroom.” She says meekly. “I…um…borrowed some of your mouthwash.”

“Borrowed?” He laughs. “Pam. Please keep it. Pretty sure I don’t want it back now.”

She blinks and then looks down at her lap. “You know what I mean.”

“Yeah.” He nods his laughter fading. “I know what you mean.”

It’s awkward, suddenly. He hates that it’s awkward. He treads softly, wanting to put her at ease, afraid that she might run off after all, based on the way she’s sitting there, looking petrified.

“Look at me for a second.” He nudges her gently. Her head snaps up like a deer in headlights. He reaches out and runs a hand over her cheek.

“Are you OK?”

She leans her face into his palm without even realizing it. She closes her eyes and nods.

“Yeah.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” Though her hand reaches up to cover his she doesn’t sound sure.

Despite his efforts, it’s not getting any less awkward. “Not having second thoughts are you?”

He takes a breath, holds it, afraid of her response to his question.

Her heart begins to pound as she stares up at him. “Are you?”

“Not especially.” He forces a smile.

She relaxes just slightly and sighs. “I…”

He wants to hear her answer, even though he’s nervous. If they’re going to do this, he wants to start off on the right foot. It’s been too many years of not saying anything. Now he feels the need to say it all – to hear it all.

“What?” His finger hooks under her chin and he makes her meet his eyes. “Pam – c’mon. Talk to me.”

She takes a breath, pushes it out in a whoosh. Her voice sounds desperate when she answers. “What do I do now?”

“What!” Now he’s confused.

All at once she’s talking a mile a minute. “I don’t do this. I mean, I’ve never done this - at least not this way.” Her hands start to flutter and her face is flushed. “Are there some sort of rules or…something? I mean. What happens next? Am I supposed to leave? Do you want me to stay?”

She looks overwhelmed - as if she’s about to burst into tears. “Am I supposed to make you breakfast? Is it bad that I just used your mouthwash? I mean – I think it’s yours. Oh God. Maybe it’s Mark’s. If it is I hope he doesn’t mind. Because I just kept thinking – ew – morning breath…and I didn’t want you to think…”

He silences her with a kiss, a laugh caught in his throat as the strong taste and tingle of said mouthwash hits his tongue.

Her hands stop fluttering and come to rest on the sides of his face. She holds his chin in her hand, keeping his mouth on hers.

Definitely dreaming. He thinks with a sigh. Please. Don’t wake me up.

His arm curls around her and he can feel her trembling. He pulls her closer and she sinks against him.

“Are you going to let me try and answer at least one of those questions?” He asks as he reluctantly pulls away.

“Please.” She nods, resting her forehead on his.

“There are a lot of options as to what we do next – but you leaving is not one of them. I definitely, definitely want you to stay.”

“OK.” She nods.

“We can eat breakfast later. I don’t expect you to make it for me. We could go out if you want, because I’m pretty sure all that’s downstairs is some three month old Cap’n Crunch and some very questionable milk.”

He kisses her quickly and is secretly thankful. “The mouthwash is mine. Help yourself. And I’m glad to see you’re meticulous about dental hygiene. I should have told you during the application process. It’s one of my requirements.” He chuckles as his mouth touches hers again.

He kisses her and even as he does he can’t believe it. He’s allowed to do that now. She lets him do that now. Now – it seems - he can kiss her whenever he wants.

So this is how it works. She sighs into his mouth and tugs at his hair, pulling him closer. I can get used to this.

He can still feel her shaking a bit and rushes to reassure her. “We can do this you know.” He says softly as she shifts and buries her face in his shoulder. His hand runs up and down her back. “I know it’s a little bit weird but I don’t think it’s going to be that much different.”

“Speak for yourself.” She giggles against his neck, the feel of her breath on his skin giving him goose bumps. “There is no way I am going to be able to sit across from you and not remember…this.”

He smiles widely and holds her closer. “I should have warned you. I can be very distracting.”

“Tell me about it.” She sighs again as she finally begins to relax. “God, Jim. You have no idea how nervous I was about this.”

“Yeah. You hid it really well.” He replies, completely deadpan.

She pulls back and gives him a look. He’s seen that look before.

He runs a hand through her hair to try and get back on her good side. There really are so many things he wants to know. His gaze and voice become serious. “Are you really OK?”

“Yeah.” She smiles.

“Do you want to tell me…” He hates that he needs to ask, but he does.

“Sure.” She nods, knowing what he’s asking. She reaches out and takes his hand in hers, subconsciously needing to steady herself.

“In the end it was easier than I thought it would be, actually.” She begins her voice quivering a bit. “The decision was kind of made for me.”

She looks up at him apologetically, because she knows it’s not what he wants to hear exactly.

“A pipe burst at the VA Hall and we had to postpone the wedding.”

He blinked in surprise and felt a twinge of disappointment. He had hoped he’d actually been the reason.

“Really?” Is all he can manage.

“Yeah. And – I knew it was a sign. I mean - I really knew before then but it was so hard, Jim…”

He gives her hand a squeeze. He wishes he didn’t understand but he does. “I know.”

“I almost died. Really. When you left I was – it was…” She takes a deep breath and tries to continue. “It was like part of me walked out the door with you. And that sounds so sappy and soap opera-y but it’s really the truth.”

It’s difficult but she makes her eyes meet his. “I dreamt about you that night.”

“Really?” He raises his eyebrows, intrigued. Now this is more like it.

She nods and smiles shyly. “We were like…together. You woke me up - brought me hot chocolate in bed.”

Not exactly the steamy dream he’d hoped she had about him. “That’s it?” He asks, confused.

She doesn’t catch his tone of voice right away. “Yeah. It was…really sweet and also kind of shocking. I mean – it wasn’t the first dream I’ve ever had about you – but it was the first one like…that.”

“So much I didn’t know about you Beesly. I mean - these are your fantasies? Hot chocolate?” He shakes his head and laughs.

She stares at him, her mouth gaping open. “It was the Swiss Miss thing – remember? And it’s not like all we did was drink cocoa. You did kiss me awake.” She says defensively.

“Uh huh.” He laughs louder.

She gets angrier by the second. She inches away from him and folds her arms across her chest. “You keep this up and I’m not going to tell you about the other one I had. The one where we went at it in the office – ripping each other’s clothes off - right there on your desk…”

He stops laughing and knows without question that he would never look at his workspace the same way again. “Now you’re talking. There’s something I want to hear more about.”

It was going to cost her, but it served him right. Here she was trying to share how she came to choose him and all he was doing was making fun of her.

She sighs as if she’s incredibly bored. ”I was really surprised. It was actually quite disappointing. It was only when your face morphed into Dwight’s that things got interesting...”

His stomach turned as he stared at her. “Oh. You so don’t play fair.”

You are perfect. So incredibly perfect. I can’t believe I’ve gotten this lucky.

“Oh. You so shouldn’t mock me.” She glared at him, trying to suppress her smile.

How did I ever think I could live without you?

“C’mon, Pam. Give me a chance to redeem myself.” He pleads softly, his hands reaching out to uncross her arms.

I’ve been waiting forever for this.

“Why should I?” She pouts. “Give me one good reason.”

Or three…or four…

“I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you more than one.” He leans in and touches his lips right near her ear as he whispers. “One…”

I can’t believe we’ve been denying ourselves for so long.

“Stop it.” She protests, incredibly weakly.

Don’t you dare stop.

His hands move to the buttons of the shirt she wears, gently pushing the fabric off her shoulders. “Two…” His mouth brushes hers.

Want to challenge me Beesly? You’re not the only one who doesn’t play fair.

“You’re going to need to try a little harder.” She sighs and rolls her eyes a bit.

If this is your idea of payback you won’t get an argument from me.

“Three…” His hands grip her hips and he pulls her down to lay beside him. He hovers above her and her words belie her actions as her mouth opens under his. He takes full advantage, kissing her incredibly thoroughly.

“OK. Those are pretty good reasons.” She finally says as her lips curve into a smile. She pulls back for a moment and gazes up at him.

“We can actually do this.” She whispers, her voice tinged with such awe that it makes him catch his breath.

“Yeah.” He can’t even fathom the alternative anymore. “We can…”

“I was scared that…I mean…I wasn’t really sure…” She admits as her hands reach up rest on the back of his neck, her fingers threading lightly through his hair.

“Me either.” He lies grinning widely. He'd suspected this all along.

To prove his point, his hands suddenly become busy. “Four…”

Taken completely by surprise, she bucks underneath him.

“But – oh!” She’s blind for a second, and incapable of rational thought. “Um – I think this…um…just might work.”

“I think…you might…be right.” He says breathlessly.

And as he predicted- just that easily, he’s lost in her again.