Chapter Four

She could tell it was morning, but she didn’t want to wake up. She wanted to sleep for days…weeks…as long as she possibly could.

She could sense him in the room with her. He was walking softly so as not to wake her and a smile tugged at her lips.

She snuggled against her pillow. She felt safe. She felt…comfortable.

She could feel his weight on the mattress as he sat beside her but she kept her eyes closed. There was the faintest scent of chocolate in the air. Suddenly she felt his lips, soft and warm close to her ear.

Wow. What a lovely way to wake up.

“Rise and shine, beautiful.” He whispered as his mouth nibbled gently on her neck.

The way he said it had her almost laughing. It was odd but sweet to hear him call her beautiful. He had never said anything like that to her before.

“C’mon.” His hand slipped under the covers and rested on the curve of her hip. “You’ll be late for work.”

“Let’s both be late.” She whispered huskily as she felt him lie down beside her, his hand sliding across her stomach. She shifted to make more room for him on the bed.

“Mmm. Do I smell chocolate?” She said with a sigh as she settled against him.

“You do.” He chuckled as he buried his nose in her hair.

“Swiss Miss?” She giggled.

“No.” His voice is disgusted. “She’s too high maintenance. It’s Nesquik. I figured I’d have a better chance with a cartoon rabbit.”

“Probably.” She laughed harder as she turned in his arms, opening her eyes and smiling up at him. “I told you she was out of your league.”

“That you did, Beesly.” He whispered as his mouth covered hers. “That you did.”

“Hey Pammy. Wake up, babe. It’s almost eight-thirty.” He calls out to her loudly.

“What?” She blinks as she sits bolt upright in bed. Oh my God. What the hell was that?

“Get a move on.” Roy says as he fastens his watch on his wrist. “I mean, if you want a ride that is. I’m leaving in twenty minutes with or without you.”

“I’ll drive myself.” She says, rubbing her eyes a bit.

“You sure?” He looks at her oddly. It was rare she didn't want a ride.

“Yeah. I’m…” She swallowed audibly, her throat suddenly incredibly dry. “I’m going to need a few extra minutes.” Or hours or...days to get over...that.

What the hell?

“OK. I’ll see you there.” He leans down and kisses her quickly and she pulls back without even realizing it. “Later.”

“Yeah.” She says softly as she watches him go. “Later.”

Immediately her hand moves to her mouth, because it’s not Roy’s kiss she’s remembering.

As soon as she hears the door slam and his truck drive off, she throws back the covers and scrambles out of bed, pacing the length of the bedroom.

She looks around and realizes all at once. There’s very little of her in here. All she has is picture on her and Roy from last summer sitting on bureau, along with a small glass dish that holds her rings and a tiny leather jewelry case that her Mom gave her last Christmas.

The linens on the bed are plain, masculine even. Roy always told her there is no way in hell he’d sleep on some frou-frou floral print. So she kept it basic. Plain. Ordinary.

Jim wouldn’t care. He’d probably even sleep on sheets with polka dots.

The image of just that, Jim in bed with his head resting on a polka dotted pillow filled her mind. As the imaged faded it was replaced with an image of the way she’d dreamed of waking up this morning.

Oh God.

Why did he do it? She had become so good at pretending. At telling herself that the flush that crept to her cheeks was because it was a little too warm in the office or the flutter in her stomach was because she’d skipped breakfast again.

Why?

On a normal day it was easy to fool herself. Work is boring. Jim is funny. It’s a distraction – plain and simple. But then there were looks that lingered a little too long, the disappointment when she’d look up and he wasn’t at his desk for hours, the jealousy that would creep up and grab hold whenever another girl called him.

Like she had a right to talk.

You’re engaged Pam. To Roy. Remember Roy?

Of course she remembers. She remembers the day she met him, how she felt warm from her head to her toes when he smiled at her. He was something and the fact that he paid attention to her made her something too.

And then…somehow it changed. He didn’t get the scholarship he’d been hoping for and then he simply…gave up. There was no other way to describe it. And in turn - she gave up her dream of going to school in New York and studying art and instead went to Marywood – because if he wasn’t going to leave Scranton she wasn’t going to leave him.

The only thing was they never left.

And she knew- they never would.

This is your life Pam. This is what it could be. Your life will be here and Jim will be…

…somewhere else.

Not that Stamford was all that exciting. But it was so close to New York so close to everything she used to dream of. All those dreams she’s let slip away because it was just too painful, to pathetic to keep dreaming them when they wouldn’t ever come true.

“Be happy, Pam. Please?”

It’s not that she wasn’t happy – it was that somehow, someway she had just become…numb. That’s what it was. She was simply numb, feeling nothing, risking nothing, because the idea of being more disappointed than she already was is paralyzing.

She looks at her dresser, her eyes falling upon a scrap of lavender silk,a swatch from her bridesmaids’ dresses. All these plans…

“Unmake them.”

It’s too much to hope. Too much to dream again. Who’s to say it’d be any better? Who’s to say that without the fluorescent lighting and the intrusive camera crew and annoying co-workers he’d be the same?

Keep trying to talk yourself out of it Pam. You’ve tried to ignore it but you know. You know he would. That dream you had is not so far off. Be honest – FOR ONCE. That’s what has you freaking out now.

You know.

He’d whisper in your ear in the morning. He’d make you hot chocolate and bring it to you in bed. He’d make himself late to work – just so he’d be able to drive you. He’d listen to you when you had a bad day. He’d make you angry because he’d always tell you the truth – always say the one thing you didn’t want to hear because it was better for you to face things then to pretend they weren’t there.

You know he would.

It wouldn’t be perfect – but God, wouldn’t it be something?

It would be...something.

She glanced at the clock – her eyes widening when she realized it was well after nine.

She thought again of last night. Is he even coming in today? When he said he was leaving did he mean – like – right now?

She decides that the answer is...probably not. Michael would have to know and he’d never have been able to keep his mouth shut. There was time. She thinks desperately. There’s still a little time.

She’d better get going. If she was going to try and bring things back to normal she’d have to go in. She'd have to make believe that nothing at all out of the ordinary happened last night.

As she makes her way to the bathroom to shower one thing fills her mind.

See if you can do it, Pam. See if you can pretend this isn’t there, that he isn’t there. Just see. Because now you know the truth. There's only so much he's willing to take.

Just keep on doing that and if you’re not careful one day he really won’t be.