Chapter Five

He meant - like - right now.

Because - honestly? How much more was he expected to take?

Even though as he had walked, head hanging, into Michael's office he knew it wasn't entirely fair. He knew that was secondary.

He woke up this morning and just...knew. He had to get out of there - as fast as he possibly could.

It all boiled down to self preservation. Pure and simple.

There was no denying he loved her. He knew it. She knew it. But there was only so much he could stomach before he began to hate himself.

His heart ached as his mind went a step further. It was only a matter of time before he began to hate her.

OK. Maybe hate was too strong a word. Maybe it was more like resent. One day he was terrified he'd wake up and go to work and when he laid eyes on her he'd just resent her for being the epitome of everything he'd wanted - and everything that he couldn't have. He could see it happening. One day he'd wake up and he'd resent the hell out of her - for some completely irrational reason. He could already picture it vividly. He'd find himself blaming her.

As if it was her fault she'd met Roy in high school.

It wasn't - but he'd be lying if he said he doesn't blame her a bit for staying with him for so long.

And he'd certainly have mixed feelings now - that it seemed that once she knew the truth she still won't let him go.

"Oh my God. What did you just do?"

There was a honk and a screech of brakes. He heard a car come dangerously close and decided he'd better keep his eyes on the road. It was useless, because the thoughts kept coming.

What did I just do? I kissed you. I said I was in love with you. In plain English, Pam. It shouldn't be so difficult to comprehend.

And now that I did - you still chose him.

Moving to Stamford wasn't just the right thing. It was the only thing. This is exactly what he needed. A new start. A new life. Sure in this new life he was still hocking paper but let's face it. There were very few people in life who were completely fulfilled and happy with their jobs.

Very few.

He couldn't be sure it would be all that different. Stamford might even be a carbon copy of Scranton for all he knew.

But he'd finally end the torture. And once he got some distance, maybe he'd get a whole new perspective. Maybe, someday, he'd be able to move on.

Keep saying that to yourself. In a thousand years maybe it'll actually happen.

Her laugh. God - he loved her laugh. It seemed to start low and gain volume and strength the longer he listened. And it almost always met her eyes, made them dance, and lit her from within. It was contagious. It was nothing short of his drug of choice.

And if he was being completely honest, he was going through severe withdrawal already.

The morning had been a thousand different types of awful. He'd called Jan and set up an appointment. Luckily she was such a workaholic she'd answered on the first ring. Michael acted completed insulted and put out that he'd even entertained the thought of a transfer, let alone the fact that he was leaving almost immediately.

He'd said his piece and left, leaving in his wake a gaping Dwight, a stunned Phyllis, and strangely excited Kelly, clutching her heart as she stood by the reception desk to be sure she'd be the one to break the news to Pam.

He could picture her now and didn't want to. He was afraid of what the look on her face would actually be. Would it be regret or sorrow? Or, worst of all, relief? That was what scared him most of all. Maybe all she wanted was to have him out of the picture so she could go on with her mundane and boring life.

You think life with you would be all that much better? What exactly can you offer her Halpert?

He'd at least pay attention to her - he knew that much. He'd encourage her to realize her amazing potential. He'd be…better for her. He may not know how exactly - but he knew it.

He knew it.

But it seemed she didn't want better. She wanted familiar. She wanted tried and true. She wanted…

Roy.

And this whole time he'd kept thinking that it was just that she didn't know she had a choice. That she thought that they were just friends - that she'd been too scared to make the first move - that when push came to shove she'd fall into his arms.

But she didn't fall. She barely even budged. He'd left her there, with his kiss and Roy's name hanging off her lips.

He'd waited in the hallway for what seemed to him like an eternity, but was probably mere minutes. He'd waited but in the end, Pam didn't make the least bit of effort to go after him.

He'd gotten the message. Loud and clear. Now - he was done. He put it all out there and it came back to smack him.

As a result, here he was, in a car on the way to New York City, to make his transfer final. To get his official start date, which would most likely be after he got back from Australia.

Got to hand it to you Halpert. When you decide to make an ass of yourself, you really go all out.

The streets of Manhattan are packed as usual and he gives up even trying to find a spot, pulling into the closest garage. It's hot and it's muggy and he wishes he'd taken off his jacket before walking the three blocks to Corporate.

He makes his way through the labyrinth that is building security and waits for the receptionist to come and get him.

This receptionist is as far from Pam as someone could get, he thinks with a sigh. She wears her hair in a sleek blond ponytail, she's dressed all in black with shoes that have heels so high and thin they should be classified as deadly weapons. Her name is Margo or something he remembers as he gives her a smile.

It's still just paper. He takes a deep steadying breath as he makes his way to Jan's office. Just…paper.

Jan looks tired, he thinks as he remembers that he's not the only one who is still reeling from the events of last night. It's odd to share some sort of a bond with…Jan of all people. To think that someone as inane as Michael was able to get through to someone so seemingly well put together as Jan was mind boggling. He contemplated it for a few more minutes as he follows behind her as she takes him to HR.

There's someone for everyone, Jimmy. His mother always had told him. Remember there's a lid for every pot.

It had always made him smile. Every time some girl had broken his heart it was a consolation. It really was a great theory - except…

What happens when - after years of not even realizing you were searching - you think you've found your lid? What happens when the lid you've found has been with another pot for so long it doesn't even want to try you on for size?

What happens then?

His hand trembles slightly as he signs on the dotted line, making his transfer official.

As he shakes Jan's hand, his mind goes back to the subject he was thinking of before. To the only subject he's thought about at all for the last six months.

What happens then?

I'll tell you what you do. He thinks to himself. You go to a place that has a bigger - different lid selection. A veritable lid warehouse if you will. And in time you see if you can find one that fits almost as well.

He knows in his heart it'll never be perfect - because a fit like that only happens once in a lifetime. But - for the first time in years Jim seems determined as he tries to convince himself that finding someone else could somehow be enough.