The panic was cold, quaking - like the feeling you get when you think you've accidentally sent a private email to the entire office, or when you wake up the morning after a drunken evening remembering only snatches of what you said - or worse yet, what you did.
"Hey, Halpert!"
At first she didn't even move, just stood there rooted to her chair, looking frantically from Roy to Jim, her mouth open as if she'd say something; like so many nightmares, she wanted to yell, to stop Roy, do something, but she felt frozen. Jim's eyes flicked to hers for a split second, and the shared look they exchanged struck her later as oddly intimate - because it was the closest they'd ever come to facing what happened that night.
Everything seemed to accelerate then: Roy lunged at Jim as Karen screamed, Jim shoving her quickly out of the way.
Her own voice startled her: "Roy!"
And then there was Dwight - Dwight - appearing as if out of nowhere, dousing Roy with pepper spray, catching both her and Jim - himself as well - in the crossfire. She was grateful for it, actually, because it masked the tears that immediately stung her eyes.
Later she'd feel stupid for just standing there petrified when Roy had stormed into the office without warning; it's just that it had been so totally unexpected.
She'd been sitting there with her head down, struggling to ignore Karen, who was perched halfway on Jim's desk (that's what I used to do...), cajoling him into taking her out.
Her hair was impossibly shiny, her face aglow as she teased him. "You would rather sit on your couch and watch the Phillies game than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend."
As she watched Karen laugh at him, Pam wondered if she'd ever feel like that again - happy, flirty...wanting to get out and have a good time. Lately all she felt like doing was huddling on her sofa in her sweats, watching television mindlessly as she waited, waited, waited.
Just for something, anything to snap her out of the funk she'd been in since Roy had blown up at Poor Richard's. Well, since before that, really, if she was being honest with herself.
She'd finally given up on her futile attempt at drowning them out, lifting her head warily just in time to hear Karen announce, "Okay, so this is what's going to happen. You're going to suck it up -"
"Here we go..." He murmured. Pam wondered if he'd always seemed this tired.
"- And we're going to dinner."
He smiled gamely. "Okay."
Karen went on: "And we're gonna go to the movies."
Pam watched as Jim nodded, Karen beaming up at him as he said, "Sounds good."
And just like that, Roy had barged into the office, shattering everything around him...again.
As quickly as things had accelerated, in the wake of Roy's attack, everything seemed to happen in slow motion, dulled by the haze the pepper spray left over her vision. Michael had rushed out of his office, Toby emerging from the back not long after that; someone called security, then the police, and apparently Darryl as well.
All she could do was stand there, hearing Roy moaning slightly as he struggled to sit up, seeming as oblivious to the bustle around him as she herself was.
When she dared to glance in Jim's direction, she was surprised to see Karen standing next to him almost awkwardly; his palms covered his face, and he was still breathing heavily from the adrenaline rush.
She heard Karen ask him, her voice raspy, "Are you okay?"
Pam watched, momentarily forgetting herself, as he nodded woodenly. There was something completely strange in the way Karen was regarding him, and Pam couldn't quite put her finger on what it was. Maybe it was the way she was standing slightly back from Jim, almost as if she were afraid he might throw up; or maybe it was the fact that she wasn't saying a word, just kept standing there looking at him as he scrubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands.
And then she realized what it was: Karen wasn't touching him, wasn't betraying any emotion in the aftermath, while Pam was still struggling not to cry with the weight of it all; her hands were shaking, her heart pounding - because for a flash of a second, she'd realized that Roy could very well seriously hurt Jim.
The thought had terrified her to the point of nausea.
But Karen... Why isn't she touching him? I'd give anything just to be able to go over there and put my arms around him, tell him how sorry I am that Roy did this...how sorry I am for everything.
Her thoughts were interrupted when Darryl helped Roy sit up, offering him a hand. Without really thinking about it, she took a step back from her desk, leaning heavily against the wall with her arms crossed protectively around herself as she looked across at Roy - still grimacing, his face wet with tears from the spray.
When the security guard stepped forward, Darryl held up a hand to stay him, saying gruffly to Roy, "Come on, man."
As Roy struggled to his feet, Darryl holding one of his arms, his swollen, damp eyes returned to where Jim stood, himself still blinking back the stinging from the pepper spray. Darryl followed Roy's line of sight, then leaned forward and said close to his ear, "Leave it be - you hear me?"
Roy's jaw clenched as he nodded, then he turned to Pam. The sight of him reduced to such a state - out of control, still breathing heavily, his eyes watering profusely, as if he were crying - it tore at her; in that split second, she realized with a sickening clarity just what her life had become.
What their lives had become - hers, Roy's, Jim's.
Even as she thought that, Karen suddenly turned away from Jim, looking clearly angry.
But her eyes rested on Pam, not Roy.
Story Notes:
While this is a WIP, I've got the arc mapped out, as well as the chapters themselves. (Several chapters are already written, so I should be updating fairly quickly.)
It will be ten chapters.
Also: Several people on TWoP have expressed an interest in fics that portray Karen in a sympathetic light -- this one will (to a point).
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Pam's point of view.
