Chapter 5 - Coffee Tea or Me?

Jim ran home and ditched his work clothes for khakis and a blue button up with a grey fleece vest. Even with his stop, he still got to Starbucks embarrassingly early.  He was nervous and tried to take a few moments in his car to calm down.  He sat there scrolling through his playlist looking for something inspirational, when he was startled by a taping on his window.  He looked up to see Pam smiling down at him tentatively, apparently she was also early.

He unplugged the ipod and got out of the car, noting that she had also changed before she came.  He had never seen her look like this, her hair was loose around her shoulders and she was wearing jeans and a light blue sweater.  She looked absolutely beautiful. 

He let her walk in front of him slightly as they approached the coffee shop taking in her image completely.  He hated to admit that he was comparing the two women in his life, but there was something about Pam that was so different than Karen, a softness that just allowed Jim to let go and be himself no matter what.  He never had that with Karen.  He felt himself relax leaving behind the suits, the paper, the tuna, the bottled water, the whole new Jim Halpert image. He smiled as he held the door open for Pam.  He hated the tension that was between them and for a split second he panicked thinking that maybe they wouldn’t be able to do this, to be just friends again.  Maybe he wasn’t strong enough to do this after all.

Pam looked back at him and suddenly said breaking his train of thought, “Doesn’t it make you laugh that we have a Starbucks in Scranton?  It just feels like it is way too hip for this town.” 

“Yeah I feel a little unworthy to walk in the door actually.”  Jim smirked at her with a sidelong glance, relieved that underneath it all, their relationship, whatever it was, was still there.  “Of course if we weren’t banned from all other reputable establishments……”

“Shut it, Halpert.”

He looked at his shoes to hide the enormous grin that erupted on his face.  They looked at each other for a moment as if taking stock that this was them, this was real.  He held out his hand in front of him suggesting that she step up to the counter first, “Ladies first, Beesly.”

Once they had ordered, they settled into a booth at the far end of the store.  A heavy silence settled in between them, and they both found it hard to look the other in the eye.  Jim watched her as she wound a curl around her finger.  He wondered if that was a nervous habit of hers that he had just never seen in the office before.  Of course they really only spent 40 hours a week together; there were bound to be things that he didn’t know about her.  Yet, he had always assumed he knew everything there was to know about Pam Beesly.

He finally decided to just dive into the deep end, “Pam, I’m not really sure where to start.  I feel like we have a lot to catch up on.”

“Yeah.  I was just thinking that I had no idea you owned a fleece vest.”

“Um, is that bad?”

“No, it’s just funny, no big deal.”  She smirked like there was more to the story.  She obviously tried to contain her smile as she said, “So, you were saying you were mean to your friend this week?”

He made a mental note to find out what the big deal about the fleece was and continued, “Yep, I was a serious jerk to Dwight.”

Pam’s face took on a very serious aspect, “Dwight’s your best friend?”

“Of course, isn’t he everyone’s best friend?”

They held their laughter for a split second before they both couldn’t hold back any more and burst out laughing.  The laughter felt good, it felt normal and it relieved some of the tension in the air. 

“Seriously Pam, I’m sorry for being such a jerk about Roy.”

He said it fast, while they were both still trying to stop laughing about Dwight.  Pam’s laughter started to fade as she intently looked into Jim’s eyes.  His breath caught in his throat for a moment and he ended up breaking eye contact with her for fear that the emotion would suffocate him.

“I suppose you had your reasons.”  She started to shred her napkin nervously and looked away from their table to the window, avoiding his eyes. Taking a deep breath she started again, “I just don’t know when my life turned into such a mess.”

Pam looked fragile and frightened and he was afraid if he breathed too hard she would shatter in front of him.  He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say next, how much he wanted to say. 

“Your life is not a mess.”

“Sure feels like it.” 

Jim was always amazed how she looked like such a little girl in her more vulnerable moments.  For a moment he thought that if he had a daughter, he hoped that she would have Pam’s mannerisms, her innocent face, her eyes.  Then of course his mind slipped into thinking about how he could get children that looked like Pam.  He shook his head realizing that thoughts like that would not help him stay friends with Pam.  He repeated it in his head, ‘just friends’ ‘just friends’ ‘Karen’s your girlfriend, Karen’.  He cleared his throat but his voice still broke a little as he spoke again.

“Why do you think that?  That your life is a mess?”  He didn’t want to push her, but they had to get past this, avoiding saying what needed to be said is what got them in trouble in the first place.

“Well let’s see. I’m a receptionist in failing paper company with a completely deranged boss.  I’m the worst art student in my class, and the terrible part is that I’m not even sure that I care any more.  Everything’s just really so much harder than I thought it would be.”

He hated when she gave up on herself and cringed at her hopeless attitude.  He always thought she would stop doing this once Roy was out of the picture, but apparently this was part of her personality.  “Pam it’s hard to chase a dream, it takes hard work, just look at Kevin and ‘Scrantonicity’.  You have to keep trying.”

She rolled her eyes at him and looked away again; Jim was totally confused.  He really had never seen a side of Pam that doubted his advice.  Before they would fight and disagree, but he could always tell by the look on her face that she was considering what he had said.  Now she had this look that told him he just didn’t understand. She looked down and shook her head, laughing sadly to herself.

“Beesly, what?”

“Nothing ………just it’s really easy for you to say.  You’re not …..chasing your dreams.”

He didn’t really expect her to lay him bare like that, in one fell swoop.  He stared into his coffee wishing it were something stronger.  Looking at her again, her sadness was written all over her face.  She said softly, “I’m sorry.  I guess I’m having a hard time figuring out how to act with you.”

“Me too.” 

“I feel like we’ve been so mad at each other, for so long.” 

“Pam, I just….. I think that we haven’t been friends, real friends in a long time.  Maybe ever.  But, ….. that’s my fault.” He looked away from her afraid to see the effect of his confession, he added almost under his breath, “I’ve missed you.”

The way she stiffened and continued to wring what was left of the napkin suggested that that she was uncomfortable with his answer.  He tried to read her face, but he couldn’t tell if she looked relieved or sad or physically ill.  He held his breath waiting for her response.

“I’ve missed you too.”

Jim exhaled and felt like he could do a happy dance.  His excitement was lessened by the tears in her eyes and he handed her his napkin since hers was now a pile of paper strips. 

“Ok so let’s just talk.  Like…before.”  He said the word carefully.

Her brow furrowed, and she looked down almost looking disappointed.  Jim assumed that the memories of what had passed between them were painful for her.  She exhaled and said, “Ok, I’ll try.”

“By the way, it may be hard, and I don’t know what it feels like to go through what you have, but you’ve been so brave.  I’m really proud of you.”

She laughed again under her breath like he didn’t know what he was saying. 

“Pam?”  His voice was encouraging, he didn’t want her to feel like she needed to hide anything from him, he wanted to know it all, he wanted to help her deal with all this.

“Courage and honesty are not my strong points.”  She said it mechanically like she was mimicking someone.

“Ok, I’m not following you.  Breaking off your relationship with Roy was incredibly brave.  Taking that art class that’s awesome; trying to do something you’ve always wanted to do, that’s scary and you’re doing it.  And most of all, brave is sitting through a wedding that was a carbon copy of your own.”  He crooked an eyebrow at her on the last one, knowing that would get her attention.

She wiped a tear that ran down her cheek and laughed a little.  “Who told you about that?”

“Oh you know Kelly, can’t keep her mouth shut.”  He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, desperately wanting to change sides of the booth and put his arms around her until she stopped crying.  He was actually fighting the urge to take her into his arms and kiss her tears away, but he knew that was his own selfish desire again.  He hated himself that no matter what he couldn’t get past loving her, wanting her.  But he had to try to focus on what she wanted. 

“Yeah that was…..,”  Pam paused as if she couldn’t find the right word, “something.”

“I bet.”

“What a disaster that night was.”  She said as he buried her head in her hands.  “I went home with Roy, I don’t even, …..I don’t know why.  I guess was just so ….lonely. I screwed up his life, again.”  She said the last part with a deep breath like the very idea of what happened with Roy wore her out.  Jim could tell by her breathing that she was really crying now.  He couldn’t believe that he had left her alone to deal with all this.

He got up and went to her side of the booth.  “Scoot over.”

She looked up at him, her eyes shining with tears unshed, her cheeks wet with the tears that she couldn’t hold in anymore.  She slid over and stared straight ahead.  Jim sat down and put his arm on her shoulders.  “I’m sorry, Pam.  I…,  I should have been here.  But we can still be friends right?  I want…..I want to help.”

He thought he saw her face take on a pained expression as he talked, that had to be about Roy.  But it all seemed oddly familiar to him, like the million disappointed looks he would give her when she called him her friend.  She exhaled and crumbled into his arms, crying as if she had been holding in all the pain from the last year and was finally letting it burst forth like opening a dam.  She clutched his fleece in her hands and sobbed silently into his chest, the pain too intense to produce any noise.  Jim held her tightly as he closed his eyes imaging all his love and strength pouring into her body. 

Feeling her crying slack off slightly, he dipped his head to try to get her to look at him.  “Better?”  His heart was simultaneously racing at her proximity and breaking at her not being his, but he summoned all his courage to not let it show.

She bit her lip and slowly nodded her head. 

“Course you know now you can’t come in here now either - you’re the crying chick.   You know this right?”

She started laughing very quietly.  “Wow, yeah, hadn’t thought of that.”  She sniffled and straightened up, wiping her fingers across her cheeks to dry the tears. 

“Honestly Beesly, I can’t take you anywhere.”  Jim’s mind reeled at the fact that where he wanted to take her was a much more private location.

“Sorry I ruined your evening.”

“Not at all, crying girls are my best thing.”  He wanted to say ‘Ask Karen’, but he decided not to.  “Hey, feel like a movie or something?”

“Um, I don’t know.  Don’t you need to be somewhere?”

“I’m thinking I need to be right here,” he smiled, “but I refuse to see a chick flick.”

Pam exhaled heavily like she had never felt so relieved, “That sounds really nice.”

Jim kept his arm around her shoulders as they walked out of the coffee shop; Pam leaned into him as if he were literally holding her up.  Jim made a mental note to call Jane, she would be very proud of him.  And he frankly was going to need advice about what to do now that he had clearly let Pam back into his heart.