Disclaimer: I do not own the office or these characters, and I do not intend to profit from this posting. No copyright infringement intended.

Chapter 8

Jim was tired, hung over and extremely disagreeable by the time he got into the office on Monday. On top of his hangover and thoroughly screwed up love life , he was facing the grim prospect of five straight days of trying to sell paper while dealing with Michael and Dwight. He thought that he would feel better when he got there and settled into his routine, but when he walked in and saw Pam and Karen, he felt so vulnerable that he almost walked right back out the door.

“Suck it up, Halpert,” he said under his breath as he headed to his desk.

“Morning, Jim.” He looked at her like a deer caught in headlights, terrified that she knew about Karen, that she knew how pathetic he felt. “Did you have a good weekend?” Pam’s voice was warm and immediately calmed the panic inside him.

“Hey, it was fine.” He gave her a small smile and kept walking. He thought he played that off well, but he could was sure that she noticed the bags under his eyes. He wanted to tell her that he and Karen were over, but he just wasn’t ready.

He felt like everyone was looking at him, like everyone knew that Karen had dumped him and that he was still in love with Pam even though she didn’t love him back. In reality, it didn’t look like anyone knew that Karen was quitting; the office seemed very normal for a Monday. He decided coffee would help; at least it was a good excuse to hide in the kitchen.

As he walked by, he noticed that Karen had a box by her feet under her desk; apparently she was planning to make a quick exit from Dunder Mifflin. He forced a smile in her direction, trying to maintain an air of normalcy, and she smiled back, a little sadly but genuinely. Jim knew she had to be happy to be getting out of this nuthouse. He wondered when she was going to talk to Toby or to Michael, but he decided to stay out of it.

His cell phone vibrated in his pocket as he poured his coffee, startling him enough to spill some of the hot liquid on his hand. “Perfect. Nice work Jim,” he grumbled as he reached for a towel and his phone.

“Jane, you just scalded me with hot coffee.”

“How did I do that?”

“The phone was in my pocket and it vibrated…”

“Ok, enough information, I don’t want to know anything about vibrations in your pocket.”

Jim tried to keep him sullen demeanor, but he couldn’t help but laugh at her joke. All he could think was ‘that’s what she said.’ He leaned against the counter, sipping his coffee.

“You didn’t call me! What happened with Karen?”

“I thought you only cared about what happened with Pam.” He said her name under his breath so that no one would hear.

“Well, true, but I also care about you stupid. Are you ok? Did you break up with her? Was she mad?”

“Actually, no, no and…no.”

“What?” He put down the coffee and ducked into the men’s room, not wanting the rest of this conversation to be quite so public. He started in a hushed tone.

“No, I’m not ok; no, I didn’t break up with her, she broke up with me; and no, she didn’t seem mad about it.” His voice was just a whisper, but he said every word harshly with all the frustration he had kept inside over the last few hours seeping through each syllable. Jane had a way of making Jim face feelings that he would rather tuck away in the back corner of his mind. He was not ready to deal with his break up with Karen and what that meant, especially what that meant for him and Pam.

There was a long pause, as if Jane had to write it all down to figure out what he just said.

“She… broke up…with you.”

“Yep.”

“That bitch.” Jane sounded like a protective older sister.

“What?”

“Seriously who dumps Jim Halpert?!?”

“Well …I probably deserved it.”

“Hmm, maybe. I’m sorry sweetie. But look at it this way, she saved you the trouble.”

“It doesn’t really feel that way. Feels like I’m the biggest idiot in the world.”

“Did you tell Pam?”

“Jane, enough.” He was getting so tired of her goading; he needed to figure out what to do next and he planned to take his time. “I just got dumped by my girlfriend. What am I supposed to do, go ask Pam to save me from my misery, to get me over Karen? That will go over well. ‘Hi, I’ve been a jerk, but I just got dumped; maybe you’d like to feel like my second choice even though you’re really my first choice.’”

“Breathe for a minute. I wasn’t saying that you should jump into bed with Pam, though that probably would make you feel better.” She giggled at her own joke, “I’m saying make sure she knows you guys broke up and see what she does.”

“Why? What’s the point?”

“Because if she knows you’re available, twenty bucks she’ll prove to you that she still cares.”

“I can’t tell her. I just …can’t.” The truth was that Jim felt like a moron about the whole situation. His heart couldn’t risk telling her and having her not care; he couldn’t stand to look so pathetic in front of her, again. “Maybe I could later, …but not now.”

“You are so frustrating, it’s like you can’t stand to give yourself the chance to be happy.”

“Thanks, kick me while I’m down.”

There was a pause. Jim knew that Jane was hatching a plan.

“Let me make it up to you. I’ll come take you to lunch.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

The idea of getting out of the office was especially appealing today, and it was a bonus that it wasn’t with any of his coworkers. Perhaps he could really get away from it all for an hour.

“Fine, how about 12:30?”

“Great.”

Jim hung up and went back to his desk still nursing the now lukewarm coffee. He tried to avoid making eye contact with anyone and he stuck to his sales calls. He felt like Dwight kept eyeing him suspiciously, probably because Jim didn’t usually work this hard. Well, there was some consolation if his misery made Dwight uncomfortable. The morning passed very slowly, but finally, mercifully, it was almost lunch.

“Jim?” Pam’s voice seemed timid like she was trying not to startle him as she walked from behind to hand him a message.

“Huh, oh thanks.” He stared at the message and felt his cheeks burn hot; he was going to kill Jane. She had apparently called in to let Jim know that she couldn’t make lunch. The message that was scrawled in Pam’s handwriting said, “Something came up and I can’t make lunch. Sorry about your break up with Karen. Hope you feel better.” He flushed with embarrassment and his heart raced. Jane had just stripped every bit of pretense from between him and Pam. How were they supposed to act without that barrier? He waited for her to say something, anything.

He was terrified to look up at Pam, afraid of what he would see on her face. Pity, sadness, apathy? He finally met her gaze and saw a tenderness in her eyes that sent him reeling. She waited a beat and then turned as if she was going to leave, but then she stopped again and turned back to him like she had forgotten something. “Um, Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“Maybe we could go to lunch? I mean, if you wanted to.”

She stood still waiting for his response, but before he could answer she started to babble nervously, “I mean, it would be good to get out of the office, and if you…wanted to, um, talk about anything, I’m …here.”

Pam twisted the corner of her cardigan in her fingers, another nervous habit that Jim had apparently never noticed. In fact, Jim didn’t remember Pam ever being nervous around him before, but now she certainly seemed to be unsure of herself. His heart turned over in his chest; she wanted to help him through this.

He looked down at the note once again. Jane was always pushy when she thought she was right. Normally, Jim would be hatching his revenge plan , but all he could think was Jane just scored him lunch with Pam. And if Pam cared enough to help him through his break up with Karen, that had to be a start of some kind.

“I’d like that. But I’m sure you don’t want to hear about my, um, issues.”

She looked at him making sure to look him in the eyes, “I’d love to hear about your issues, remember, that’s what friends do.”

He smiled shyly away, unsure if that word made him feel better or worse, “That’s true, I guess.”

“Ok, well, I’ll just get my bag if you’re hungry.”

“Yeah, ok, …great. That sounds great.”

Pam offered to drive to the restaurant, which Jim happily accepted because he was feeling kind of exhausted from the emotional roller coaster of the weekend. He felt almost giddy because he had never been in Pam’s car before. He had never actually been in a place that was just hers before. She’d been in his car and his room, but he had never had the pleasure and he secretly delighted in learning the little things that you learn by looking at someone’s personal items.

She had a hairbrush with a ponytail holder wrapped around the handle in her console. He wondered if she put her hair up on the way home at night. Her car was really clean and it still smelled new. He noticed that she had a gym bag in the back; he wondered if she had started working out at night, or maybe it was so she could change before her art class. She also had several dvds from blockbuster on the back seat and a book from the public library. It was all so perfectly Pam. He thought about her watching movies on her couch or reading in bed at night before she went to sleep. As they pulled into the parking lot, he bristled, realizing that he not only had no idea what her apartment looked like, he didn’t even know where it was. How can you love a person without knowing these kinds of things? He felt a twinge of guilt realizing how much he didn’t know about Pam now. He had missed so much over the last year; so much time wasted.

They picked a neutral territory, a new restaurant, and they decided to eat outside because it was a beautiful day. Spring had finally settled over Scranton and the patio attached to the restaurant was surrounded by flowering trees. Each table had its own large red square umbrella and a small vase of cut flowers, giving the whole restaurant a sort of Mediterranean vibe. They were seated at a round table in the corner away from most of the other diners. The table would have easily accommodated four people, but Pam had taken the seat next to Jim, instead of across from him, making it feel oddly intimate.

They had exchanged a few pleasantries since they left the office, but Jim had to admit it was awkward and that was mainly his fault. He didn’t know what to say, or how to say it. This used to be easier before. He was relieved when Pam broke the silence.

“Thanks for Friday, it was so …nice.”

“Like you said, that’s what friends do.”

“Yep. I’m sorry I cried on you.”

“No worries, it’s understandable, I mean you and Roy…”

“Yeah…” she cut him off but then she froze, picking at her salad. She put the fork down and looked up at him with a surprising air of confidence, “So…your turn.”

He smiled to hide his discomfort, “What do you mean?”

“Well, we always talk about Roy. We always talk about my stuff. Your turn.” She said the last part firmly. It wasn’t really an offer as much as a demand.

“That’s not true, you helped me with Karen before.”

“Ok so that was one time as opposed to the million times I complained to you about my life. And it always feels like we’re …not really talking…”

Jim was terrified to open up to Pam: over the last year, it had become unfamiliar and frightening. He had always held back with her, always afraid to show her what he really felt. For a long time, it was obvious why he didn’t; she was with Roy and he was in love with her. But even when he was with Karen, he held back from her, tucked inside his shell. He didn’t want her to know that he still loved her, didn’t want her to see how badly he had used Karen.

But, Jim knew Pam was right. They needed to really talk, and if she wanted to push everything aside and try to start fresh, he would try to do the same.

“Well, ok. Karen broke up with me.”

He exhaled relieved to just say it. Saying it made it real, and not hiding it made it hurt less somehow.

“Yeah. Are you ok?”

“Yeah… yeah, it was a long time coming I think.”

Pam was very quiet. Jim felt they were in new territory, and he didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry, I know that sucks.”

“It’s ok.”

Pam took a deep breath and again leveled her stare on him, like she was attempting to will him to explain further. Jim was more than a little uncomfortable being under such scrutiny. He decided to stop thinking and start talking.

“You know what’s funny? I didn’t see it coming, I really didn’t. I knew we had problems, and I knew it would…end, sooner or later. But I don’t know, …I don’t know what I thought.” He hung his head, weary from having analyzed this situation too many times without finding an answer.

“Yeah, it was like that with …Roy. I mean, I knew it wasn’t right, that he wasn’t …right for me, but I still…went…back.” She said the last two words slowly, like she was still trying to figure out why she did that. “I think it was just so…easy…so…”

“Comfortable?”

“Yeah.” She sounded amazed that he knew just how she felt.

“Yeah.” He said it under his breath, moved by the realization that it wouldn’t be so difficult to let her in.

“Alright, so we both suck at relationships huh?”

“It appears that way Beesly.”

They smiled at each other; Pam’s smile was so warm and genuine that Jim wanted to reach over and kiss her. But he fought the urge knowing that was too much, too soon. Instead, he finished the last of his ham and cheese sandwich feeling more complete and normal than he had in a year.

As he got back in Pam’s car, he boldly reached back in her back seat for the movies he spotted earlier.

“Ok let’s see what we have here,” he said, flipping through the three blue and yellow packets. Casino Royale?”

“The new Bond is supposed to be hot, and I’ve heard it’s good.”

Jim raised an eyebrow and smirked, “Okay, Talladega Nights?”

“I think we’ve covered that I love Will Ferrell.”

“Pan’s Labyrinth?”

“A friend of mine from art class said I had to see it. It does look like the effects are amazing.”

“So…” he dragged this part out, he didn’t want to ask her out exactly, as least not yet. But just spending time with her the last few days had been so wonderful. Before, she wasn’t single, they couldn’t just hang out, but now…now they could. “So, have you watched these?”

“That’s my Friday night.” He thought she was blushing but he couldn’t be sure because of the afternoon sunlight hitting her side of the car.

“Wow, looks pretty thrilling.” Should he invite himself over? He had no idea. What would Jane do? She would leave a message for Pam saying ‘Jim wants to hang out, how about Friday’?

“Or pathetic.” She paused and then added very casually, “Wanna be pathetic with me on Friday?”

He forced himself to count to five so that he wouldn’t seem too eager. “Sure, there’s safety in numbers for pathetic people. I can bring the popcorn.”

“And ice cream.”

He smiled at the way her face lit up, “Okay, and ice cream. Although you’re totally pushing it Beesly.”

She smiled and they both ended up laughing over nothing at all. The tension had left them along with all the pretense their old relationship had been built on. He didn’t know if Friday would be two friends watching movies or if it could possibly be an almost date. For the sake of his sanity, he decided not to analyze it and not try so hard to label their relationship. Were they friends; were they more? He didn’t know, but he did know that he loved sitting near her, talking to her, hearing her voice and her laughter. For now, that was enough.