The thing is that the bigger things in life never turn out the way you think they will. For a long time, Jim had imagined how things would (should) turn out: he would date Karen for a while, and then Pam would confess her feelings for him on a rainy autumn afternoon.  He'd tell her he still loves her, and then break things off with Karen before things got too serious, before that point in the relationship where it would make her cry too much to lose him.

But it doesn't turn out that way - those kinds of things never do - and instead, it's a year later, and in Karen he has found someone to go home with every night. Someone to bring him soup and medicine when he's sick, someone to reassure him and comfort him when things go wrong. Someone beautiful with silky hair and soft skin who he can wrap himself around in the night when the weight of the world and the what ifs begin to haunt him. He loves her, really does with (almost) his whole heart, and can't imagine his life without her. Can't imagine ever choosing someone else over her.

It seems foolish, now, that he'd been so caught up in someone else at one time, someone not brave enough to tell him how she felt, someone too timid to go after her own dreams and desires. He can't believe that he'd almost lost out on this - on being loved wholly and without fear.

------

An unexpected ring of the doorbell on a humid late-summer evening changes it all.

Jim, who had been making dinner for himself in the kitchen, strides to the door whistling and wiping his hands on a towel. He isn't prepared for the teary, sniffling mess he sees before him when he opens the door. It's Pam, and she doesn't speak at all at first, just stands there, mouth opening and closing, no sound coming out.

He feels a pang for her in his chest, something he guesses will never go away. Maybe once you fall in love with someone, you're connected to them forever - even after you stop loving them, he thinks. And you just hurt when you see them hurting, no matter what's happened between you.

"Pam, what's the matter?" he asks, holding the door open for her.

"I--" she steps inside and looks around, and he actually feels guilty about the way Karen's tastes are incorporated into his apartment - the new curtains, new pillows on the couch. As he closes the door, he feels almost angry at the fact that he hopes Pam won't notice.

"Um, I shouldn't have come here," she says, and turns to reach for the door.

"No, Pam, come on. It's fine. Karen's in New York for a few days anyway," he says, and then instantly knows how it sounds; as if he would make her leave if Karen were there... and maybe he really would.

She sighs and turns to him, the sticky tracks of tears that trail down her cheeks bring back an ache in his chest that he isn't prepared for.

"My - my sister died," she says and takes a second to swallow her tears. "My sister died, and I just - I know we're not really friends anymore, Jim, but I don't know. Somehow, I ended up here. And I just-" she sighs forcefully, obviously frustrated and upset. "I miss her, and no one understands, because I haven't even talked to her in like, two years, but I don't know... I knew she was there, and now she's... not. And I actually miss her. Isn't that stupid? I mean how can you miss someone you haven't even noticed that you haven't talked to in two years, right?"

"I'm so sorry..." Jim begins, standing far enough away from her to keep him from reaching out and drawing her to him.

"I mean, I don't even know if she knew I loved her... I probably haven't said it to her since we were little and our parents made me because I did something mean to her, you know, like kids sometimes do to their siblings."

"Yeah," Jim says, nodding lamely, having no idea how to respond to all this.

Pam just stands there for a moment, looking at him and wringing her hands nervously. He stares back at her, waiting for whatever else she obviously is about to say.

"Um, and Jim, I actually do know why I'm here," she says finally.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she says, taking a few steps towards him. "I um, I didn't want that to happen again. There are people in my life who might not even know I love them, but I do. I mean..." she pauses, close enough to him to touch his face, and she does, tentatively with her hands shaking. "Jim, I don't know what I would do if you - " a small sob bubbles up from her chest, "-if you died tomorrow and I'd never told you how I really felt."

She unexpectedly presses her lips to his then, and he can't explain it, but he can't pull away. Her kiss is soft and sad, and desperate, and he can taste her tears, feel her shaking arms around his neck. He hears a soft keening sound rise from her throat, and he knows how distraught she is, how he shouldn't be doing this. His head is spinning with all the reasons why he shouldn't be letting her kiss him... why he shouldn't be returning the kiss, but he can't stop it, and she's the one who pulls away first to bury her face in his shoulder, and he finds that his arms are wrapped tightly around her waist.

When she pulls back to look at him, he suddenly feels like it's a year and a half ago and that he'd do anything for this woman in his arms. All the drama they've been through in regard to the other is simply erased, and all he wants is for her to stop crying. So he lowers his lips to hers, hears her inhale sharply, and before he realizes it, he's walking her backwards towards his bedroom. When the backs of her knees hit the mattress, she's pulling him down on the bed with her, their lips never breaking from each other. Her essence is overpowering Karen's, which is ingrained in the very fiber of his pillows and sheets.

And before he knows it, their clothes are discarded, and he is moving inside of her, and she feels more amazing than anything he's ever felt. He can't stop kissing her, running his hands over her hips and waist and breasts. Her skin is unimaginably soft, and he's losing his mind a little at the quiet sounds she's making in her throat with every movement.

After she comes, she begins to cry, and he holds her all night, never really sleeping, occasionally feeling her awaken, place a few kisses on his neck, and fall back to sleep again.

In the morning, the sun is slanting in through his bedroom window, falling against her shoulder, and she glows when she smiles and asks if he still loves her. He says he does, for the second time since the night before when they made love. He sees her face fall, though, as she, no doubt, notices the expression on his face. Her eyes fill instantly, and search his, and what follows from his mouth is devastating to both of them. He watches her face crumple as he tells her he can't be with her - that he's in a healthy relationship with Karen, now, and this just can't be; that no matter what they feel for each other, they just weren't meant to be together.

He watches as she untangles herself from him almost violently, and scrambles out of bed, covering her mouth with her hand as she searches around the room for her clothes. He buries his head under his pillow and listens for the sounds of the bathroom door, and then the front door slamming before numbly getting up and getting dressed.