First of all, let me say I really, really appreciate this opportunity. I have been waiting for someone to finally give me the chance to tell my side of the story. Because believe me, I know more about what's going on than anyone else, despite what Jim might tell you. If he'd just be willing to trust me a little more, I'm sure he wouldn't be in half the mess he's in. So where do you want me to start? I guess I probably should introduce myself. My name is Maximus, but you can call me Max. And I am Jim Halpert's penis.

Jim and I, we go back a long way. Hell, I've known him all my life. He's a good guy, he really is. But I'd be lying if I said I understood him. It like something got mixed up with him when he was born - you know, he's definitely a guy, but he doesn't always think or even act like a guy! He gives way too much credit to what his brain tells him to do and what his heart tells him to do, but me? Sometimes you'd think I didn't even exist. And I just don't get it, you know? I've never lied to him, unlike some other parts of him that shall remain nameless, yet he rarely goes with my judgement. Like I said, I just don't get him.

Of course, I didn't know at first that he was so different. I mean, he's always been my best bud, so why would I think he wasn't doing everything he could to look out for me? And things between us started out normal enough. Hell, when we were teenagers we were inseparable! And obviously he's always known me better than anyone else, so I can't complain about his attention. Even now he's my go-to guy. But eventually you run into other people - whispered conversations in the locker rooms, truth or dare games at summer camps, all those fucking braggarts from the dorms during college - and the things I started hearing about? Holy hell, I had no idea what I'd been missing! And trust me, we guys like to talk. Some of us like to lie too, but I believe most were telling the truth. Some guys I met were telling me how they hooked up with women night after night after night - different women, the same woman, two or more women at once, sometimes some of them even hooked up with guys. Not that there's anything wrong with that - I mean, fun is fun, right? The point was they all were having amazing, exciting lives! Variety is the spice of life, as they say. I just don't think anyone got around to telling Jim that, though.

So I did what I could to encourage Jim to go out and find this fun. I figure, he's going to enjoy it too, right? And so we made some progress, even if it was slow at first. Awkward groping in a darkened movie theatre, a few frantic moments on someone's couch while their parents were out, even some overnights in the girls' dormitory. Eventually Jim realized that he had the talent to get girls, if he just spent more time listening to me than his goddamn brain or heart. We had some good times back then. Seriously good times. Back then it never occurred to me things might change.

So yeah, I have to say that on some level I resent Jim a bit. I mean, there have been some seriously sweet opportunities that he's just turned and walked away from. Times I know he heard me shouting, but he just didn't seem to care what I wanted. And for all those times it's not just Jim I blame, but some broad named Pam Beesly. The day she walked into his life is the day everything changed.

Now don't get me wrong - I've actually never met Pam in person. So I try not to judge her too harshly. I want to believe she never purposely tried to make me suffer. I like to think that she and I would actually get along if Jim would just introduce us. I mean, for fuck's sake I've done practically nothing but hear every other part of him go on and on and on about her. For freaking years! His eyes insist she's gorgeous without even trying to be, and his nose likes to claim that it liked the smell of vanilla and peaches before Pam appeared, but I'll be damned if I ever heard him say that. His ears could pick her voice out of a cachophony of sounds, but it's his brain that's completely ga-ga over her. She can do nothing wrong - even if it comes at the cost of my happiness.

I did have a brief moment of enjoyment during what I like to call The Early Pam Years. Katy! Man, I miss that girl - what was her last name again? Hell, it doesn't matter. She was always just Katy to me. I remember when Jim first met her. He was a bit depressed about Pam and there was something about Katy that I just had to urge him to please, please, please let me have some fun for once. So I guess his brain was too busy off being all 'emo' to remember that it wanted him to stay true to Pam, and I finally got a taste of what I'd been missing. We had such an amazing couple of weeks, Katy and I. I wonder whatever happened to her, or if she ever thinks of me. She was just a lovely girl, I have to say.

Anyway, Katy didn't last nearly long enough to bring Jim back to his senses. Instead it was all about Pam, even though it was clear to me she was just making him miserable. Why do you want a girl like that? I asked him all the time to just try and forget her, but who did he want to talk about everytime he came around to see me? You got it. Miss Pam Beesly. One track mind, that guy.

I might have had a fighting chance if his damn lips hadn't stepped in. His heart and brain tag-teamed him with enough gumption to actually get him to kiss her. What a fucking disaster! His lips enjoyed that so much even I had hopes things might go my way. But no. Apparently she didn't say what he wanted to hear and just walked away. I blame that mostly on his pussy of a heart. Even his brain was telling him that she didn't mean what she was saying. His lips were pretty pissed off, too. But he let his heart tell him to believe her and run away, and that's what he did. And I'll just leave the rest alone except to say it was a bad, bad time for months afterwards. I saw no action, that's for sure - I could barely get Jim to pay attention to me, much less give me a chance with a girl. No penis should have to live through that.

But hey - let's get out of the past. Things have gotten better for me, even if Jim isn't completely sold on the current situation. Sometimes I really don't know what the fuck his problem is these days. He's got a decent girlfriend - Karen - and I can't deny that I'm glad he met her. At least when he's with her, he doesn't always hide me away like I embarrass him. It's enough to give me a complex, I swear! Granted, I don't see her nearly as often as I should, given she's his girlfriend, but I can't complain when you go from nothing to a little something.

But do not make the mistake of thinking he's over Pam. Even now he says her name at least as much as his girlfriend's - what is up with that? And despite everything, I have to admit I have absolutely no problem with meeting Pam. In fact I would like it noted for the record that I am still completely interested in meeting her. Very Interested. He might be dating Karen, but it's Pam that knows just how to get all the right gears working for Jim, and that's good for me. And the really fucked up thing is that she gets to him AND me without even trying. I have to wonder what she'd be like if she was trying. Yowza! Is it getting hot in here?

That reminds me of a funny story. One night not that long ago, I was getting some mixed signals from Jim. I knew he was with Karen, but I thought Pam must be nearby because he was definitely focused on her, and he wasn't thinking about selling paper, if you get my drift. I was kind of surprised, but I wasn't about to resist the chance to finally meet her. But then when it came down to the wire, it was Karen! I was like "What the hell, Halpert!" but as usual he tuned me out. Why he was thinking of one woman so much when he had the other one right there is just one more example of how I don't get him. I'm all about living in the moment, not in the future.

So honestly, I can't complain too much. It's been better, but it's certainly been worse as well. I just wish that I got a vibe that he's as happy as I am. He spends so much time thinking about Pam when it's just him and me, that I'm kinda worried that I'm going to be losing the little life I've got now. I don't think I can bear going to back to no action at all. It's just not fair!

Ultimately, I blame the fact that he has a misplaced confidence in his brain's opinions. Jim believes his brain when it tells him he's making the right choices, that he's doing the right things. You would think that if his heart does nothing but say "Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam." and I'm more than ready and willing to introduce myself to her - let's be honest, I'm dying here to meet her! - he'd go wth the democratic process of majority rule. What he's waiting for his brain to tell him is anybody's guess. I've even made attempts to swing his brain over to our side, but it doesn't even return my messsages.

I don't know if I've told you anything you don't already know, or if any of my jabbering is of any use to you, but it's really helped me to let it out. And I don't know what you plan on doing, but if you need to talk to Jim about this, you probably aren't going to want to call me Maximus. He won't know who you're talking about. He's not the type of guy who feels the need to name his penis, so I just went ahead and picked my own name. It's a bit awkward when you meet someone for the first time and you don't have a name to introduce yourself with, got it? I know, I know, it sounds a bit pompous - but look at me! I can hardly go by a lesser moniker, can I? I'm just telling it like it is. I first heard the name back when Jim was sitting through a high school World History class, and of course back then I liked it because I thought it represented my potential. I do have to say I think I chose wisely. Not that Jim would agree, of course. He'd probably think it was bragging and be all embarrassed if he knew. But hey, if ya got it, right?

I know I've been bitching, but don't get me wrong. I really do love the guy. I want what's best for Jim, but not to the exclusion of what's best for me. I have to believe we can turn this into a win-win situtation. Jim's just got to get over his belief that his brain knows what the hell it's talking about. I'm not saying I prefer Karen, or that I prefer Pam. Karen's a known value, and she's good to me, even if we don't see nearly enough of each other. But I'm in the minority here in regards to Karen. Every other part except his brain is All About Pam. And with that kind of cheering section I guess there have been times where I can't help but believe them all when they say Pam would make me happier than I've ever been. But how much longer do I have to wait? I know it sounds like I'm full of myself, but I don't doubt I could make her happy. I haven't had any complaints yet, even when Jim isn't fully on board. With everyone else so damn crazy about her, how could I not fall for her too, if he'd just give me the chance? Then he'd be happy, I would be happy, and I could make sure she's happy.

And that would totally be win-win-win.