Sitting between Jim and Roy is not exactly the best lunch you have in mind. It can feel uncomfortable and weird and you really don’t know why. But Roy decided to be nice today and eat with you, and you’re just so used to having Jim at your side during the work day that you didn’t even hesitate placing yourself in the middle of them. You focus in on your lunch, trying not to give either one more attention than the other.

But that sounds ridiculous to you. Roy is the man you’re going to marry. Jim is just your friend, a co-worker, the guy you confide in. There’s no competition among these men. And last week’s basketball was just a freak thing. It didn’t matter now that they looked like they were going to kill each other then. No, that was just the heat of the competition.

This is different. It has to be.

You’re snapped out of your thoughts when Roy asks Jim about the pretty purse girl whose occupied one the offices today. Jim seems to shrug it off, firmly stating that she’s not really his type, as you eat your lunch. You try to imagine exactly what Jim’s type is as you try to remember former girls he’s dated, not really recognizing any patterns. But Kevin must read your thoughts because he asks the question loud and clear. You lift your gaze from your salad and find that Jim’s eyes are on you. You wait for the answer, and his hesitation is slightly jarring. A moment later he gives a lackluster smart-ass response that you smirk at, but your curiosity has undoubtedly gotten the best of you. But the joking ends when pretty purse girl makes a perfectly timed debut through the lunch room, catching both Roy’s and Jim’s gaze.

God. You really hate how you look. You’re plain and simple and nowhere near the kind of beautiful that purse girl is. Your hair is a mess, your clothes are out of style, and you don’t compare to girls like that. You suddenly feel small and insecure.

And Roy truly helps the situation by announcing that if he and you weren’t dating, he’d gladly be hitting on purse girl.

It’s exactly what you needed to hear. That your own fiancee realizes that you are plain and boring and that there are a thousand girls out there like purse girl who are hot and sexy and available. And that he doesn’t even think kindly enough on your relationship to keep such a terrible thought to himself, and worst of all, that he doesn’t take this relationship seriously enough to realize it’s an engagement.

You remind yourself, as you look at him like you’ve never seen before, that this is the man you’re about to spend the rest of your life with. You have to remind him as well that this isn’t just a fling, and he looks at you like you’re crazy.

Your appetite is gone, you’re absolutely disgusted with him. How can you not even know the man you’ve spent the last ten years of your life with? You’re on your feet, rushing out of this small, small space, embarrassed, angry, too upset for words. You rush back to your desk, hoping work might distract you. You throw your purse down, you roughly put away papers, you’re angry and you need to get your frustrations out. You collapse onto your seat, wanting to scream really loud or vent. Your eyes instinctively fall to Jim’s desk. He’s normally your go-to-guy. He can calm you down or explain the male mind to you. But he’s not there. You left him in the lunchroom with Roy and now you feel antsy in your seat. You need to talk to him, to feel normal for a few minutes. That’s what he is to you. He makes you sane. He’s your constant, your center, and you have no idea how you’d make it through work and Roy if Jim Halpert wasn’t around.

He’s your best friend, he’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

But he’s not supposed to be. And you know that, but you still can’t change it.

You get back to work, faxing, filing, answering phones, distracting yourself from this terrible, terrible day. But it doesn’t work. You only think about it more and more. You add up all the things that feel missing when you’re with Roy, all the times he disappoints you, or doesn’t understand you. Suddenly, Jim is rounding the corner of your desk. He hangs up the non-important phone call you’re on, grabbing the receiver from your hand, as he turns you around to face the office that Dwight and purse girl are in. He leans over your shoulder, one arms draped around the back of your chair, and the other resting its elbow on the desk in front of you. He surrounds you, and it feels good. You turn your attention to Dwight as Jim begins speaking in the funniest voice you’ve ever heard in your life. He mocks Dwight and his ridiculous purse buying technique and you feel yourself laughing again, a genuine smile forming over your lips, going along with the joke. Roy slips your mind now. Its just you and Jim and this is all you need in life. Someone who stands beside you and makes you laugh.

You find yourself turning to look at him, smiling, glad he’s near, glad that even in the worst of moods he can still make you smile. Dwight’s finished his purse shopping now and you somehow still can’t take your eyes off of him. But Michael calls you into his office, and you’re a little relieved for the distraction. It’s not this good to be this good with Jim maybe. How can it be good to be better with Jim than with Roy? You try not to think about that as Michael gives his little speech, but his last question about a certain kind of bedding is too good to pass up.

You’re at Jim’s desk the second you leave Michael’s office, laughing with him. He finds it just as funny as you do and you’re not at all surprised. Your senses of humor match to a tee and you never feel more normal than when you’re with him.

Then, Roy’s there, approaching you, looking at you like he’s never done anything wrong. Jim immediately stops talking, rolling his chair closer to his desk, and the air is too thick. You lower your eyes because it’s all you know how to do around him anymore. He asks you if you’re still mad and you can only look at him in disappointment. He doesn’t get it. He never does. He doesn’t see that he’s upset you, and you don’t know if he cares. But he puts his hands on you then, his fingers tickling at your sides and you don’t want to enjoy the feeling. But his fingers dig deeper and you find yourself chuckling before you realize. You squirm on Jim’s desk as Roy tugs you closer to him. You hate fighting with Roy, and yes, you fight more than you like, but you’ve given the last ten years to this guy and he can’t say one little thing to send you running. You owe him more than that. You’ve already agreed to spend the rest of your life with him. You can still work out the kinks, you can still make this relationship work.

Roy apologizes, and you accept. He seems sincere and for as long as you can remember, he’s had foot in syndrome and maybe, maybe you did overreact just a little bit. Roy heads back downstairs soon after, and the day seems to pass by slow. Very, very, very slow.

Before you realize, you find yourself at Jim’s desk again, leaning against his desk, hoping that he can entertain you. You ask about his weekend between laughs, amazed at how quick he can get you to crack a smile, when he reveals that he’s taking Katy, the purse girl, out on a date. You can’t pinpoint the emotion that you feel at that exact moment. A mixture of surprise, devastation, and that feeling like you just got punched in the gut all rolled into one. Of all the types Jim Halpert could have, purse girl did not seem like one you would have imagined. But maybe, maybe you don’t know Jim as well as you do. Maybe Jim likes hot, sexy girls and not plain Janes like you. You press on with questioning, even though there’s a big part of you that doesn’t want to hear the answers. He jokes, making it seem as casual and easy as possible, but it doesn’t feel casual to you. A silence sits between you and him now and you don’t know why this feels so weird. Jim is a guy, a friend, and of course, he’s dating. You’ve seen him date girls before. Not recently, and not quite as hot as purse girl, but Jim’s a great catch. Did you really expect that he’d be single forever?

You don’t know why you feel like you just lost out on something great. Jim can still be your best friend and date other girls. You’re engaged and you still turn to him. It’s fine, this is fine. You try to convince yourself and you’re failing. You tell him about your weekend plans and helping Roy’s cousin move and you’ve never felt like a bigger idiot. He nods accordingly and now all you wanna do is run away and hide in a corner.

You leave his desk in an awkward, Jan-Brady kind of way and fall back into your chair. You sit there for a while, trying to figure out why you’re so confused. The clock runs faster suddenly, the day slipping by. You pick up your purse, as you prepare to leave before Roy comes and gets you, and find you’re searching through it, all the way at the bottom, discovering a disregarded item. A lip gloss that you put in your purse when you first got it because that’s what girl do and used it maybe twice. You find yourself spinning it open, applying it to your lips, knowing that you can be just as pretty as purse girl if you wanted to be.

Your eyes fall to Jim. You wipe off the lipstick. No makeup is going to change who you are. You’re Pamela Beesley and you’re not a hot girl. You rush out the office right after that, and you only have to wait a few minutes before Roy pulls up. You hop in silently, staring out of the window, your mind scattered.

And then you see Jim again, only purse girl is at his side and they are walking toward his car together, laughing, smiling. And even though you fought with Roy before, you feel so much worse right at this moment watching Jim laugh with someone other than you that you have to look away, you have to ignore that terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach, the sad, sad realization that you aren’t the only girl in Jim’s life anymore.