Thanksgiving 2006

NOVEMBER

It’s a windy Thursday in November and he stops short in the aisle. She’s standing there perplexed, staring intently at a box of Stove Top Stuffing.

He turns around to go before she can see him and stops himself. He quickly decides he simply can’t walk away.

“Hi.” He says, smiling softly, the basket suddenly heavy in his hand, even though he’s only got a frozen apple pie and a pint of vanilla ice cream resting in there.

Her head snaps up and she can’t believe her eyes. The very last person she’d expected to see is suddenly right there in front of her.

“Hey.” She blinks in surprise. She ducks her head and shuffles her feet and tries to keep from hyperventilating.

He can’t help himself; his eyes roam over her head to toe. She looks beautiful, the same and different all at once. She’s wearing boots and a dark brown skirt. Instead of one of the cardigans he’s used to seeing her in she’s wearing an oversized turtleneck sweater. It’s the color of oatmeal and it makes her cheeks look flushed and her eyes bright.

His stomach does a slow full turn and his palms begin to sweat. He has to keep himself a safe distance away or he just might…

She gazes at him and blushes slightly. His hair is windblown and his coat sleeves look a little too short. He’s wearing corduroys, and she doesn’t think she’s ever seen him wear those before. He looks a bit thinner. She wonders if he’s been eating enough. She has a sudden need to feed him, fix him sandwiches until his face looks fuller.

They say nothing more for a few long moments. He can’t figure out where to start, since she’s the one who ended it.

Pam takes a deep breath, knowing it’s really up to her. She sticks to subjects that are safe.

“Home for Thanksgiving?”

He nods, lifting the basket up so that she can see the contents. “Yeah. I – um – I forgot I was supposed to bring dessert. My Aunt Patty’s gonna kill me. This is all they have left.”

“I know. I’m in charge of stuffing and it’s sort of slim pickings when you go last minute.” She holds up the box so he can see. “Do you think anyone will care that this is for chicken not turkey?”

Jim shrugs and has to bite back a laugh, she looks so perplexed. “Pretty sure they’re kind of cousins, aren’t they? I don’t think it’s too big a deal.”

“I guess.” She shrugs back, tearing her gaze from his again. “How’s Connecticut?”

She doesn’t ask what she really wants to.

How’s what’s-her-name? No. Really. I need to know. What’s her name? I need a name to go with the image of the supermodel I have in my head. Still seeing her? Is she…

She’s roused from her thoughts when she hears him answering.

“It’s um…its good. Yeah. It’s…different and…it’s you know – a change and it’s…it’s just really great.” He finishes. Wow. Now that wasn’t incoherent. At all.

His stammering doesn’t even seem to register. She's still staring at the floor as she replies. “Good. I’m…glad.”

He needs to say it, needs to hear her answer him. It’s been a half a year of wondering.

“How’s Roy?”

Her head snaps up. “He’s fine.” She replies, her voice almost too soft for him to hear over the annoying elevator music in the background. “At least – I hear he’s fine.”

“What do you…” He looks at her confused.

“We’re sort of…we’re sort of over.” She mumbles and throws the box into her near empty cart.

“Huh.” It’s his turn to tear his gaze from hers. “Is that right?”

He wonders why Phyllis never mentioned that fact. He thinks – no he knows - that it would have made a huge difference.

Her eyes latch onto his as she continues. “Yeah. We – I know you know that we - um…postponed the wedding at first but then it just – it never felt right again, you know? And it’s not fair to him. He deserves someone who can make him happy. It wasn’t me. Too much had happened. I just…couldn’t do it. Not…anymore.”

He’s thinking of what to do, what to say, how fast he can pack up his apartment in Stamford and move back here when he hears her speak again.

“I’m taking an art class.” She blurts from out of nowhere. But she needs him to know, even now, when it won’t make much difference. “In Philly.”

“Are you really?” He’s shocked. But a good shocked. A proud shocked. The kind of shock you get when someone you know really well goes and surprises you. “Pam. That’s great.”

“I know.” She beams. “It’s a long drive, and Michael can’t stop complaining, but Jan fixed my schedule so I can leave early one day a week to make it to class. She even said Corporate might help me out with the tuition if I decide to keep up with it.”

“Wow, Pam…that’s amazing. I’m so glad you did that.” He says sincerely.

She nods and looks up at him with a smile. “I should really be thanking you Jim. I’d have never had the courage to do it without you.”

He wonders what she means by that, wonders what that look in her eyes means. She looks the same and sounds the same but something’s changed. Suddenly it feels so different.

He wishes he could go back in time, and decide not to leave this time. He wonders what it would be like if he said the words again, now that she’s free. He wonders what her answer would be.

I’m sorry Pam. For leaving you. For everything. Please give me one more chance.

She wishes he would tell her nothing’s changed, that he still wants her after all this time.

She wonders if he can tell what she’s thinking. She wonders if he can see it in her eyes or read it on her face.

I’m sorry Jim. For sending you away. Forget her. Please give me one more chance.

But neither one of them has the courage to say anything and the moment passes.

Suddenly feeling ill at ease she shakes back her hair. It’s curling loosely around her shoulders and he realizes in that moment that it’s only about the second time he’d seen it like that. He wants to run his hands through it, to see if it’s as soft as he imagines.

She looks at him apologetically. “I’d better go. I have to drive out to my parents and I’m already pretty late.”

“Yeah. Sure.” He says as he awkwardly steps out of her way.

She pushes the cart past him and turns back to take one last look. “It was really good to see you Jim.”

“You too Pam.” He holds her gaze and she feels it, straight to her toes.

She takes a deep breath and latches on to a fleeting moment of bravery. “Keep in touch – OK?”

He blinks in surprise at her words. “OK.”

“I…moved but you um…” She smiles and it seems almost normal for a second. “…you know where to find me.”

He watches her go and says softly. “That I do.”