Ryan Howard didn't always live by the philosophy that in order to attract women you needed to basically ignore them.

In fact, there was a point when he used to live by the exact opposite philosophy. When he thought that you became their friend, their confidant, talked to them about what they thought about things (which, at that time was pretty limited to movies, television, music, and the occasional sports team). Pretty quickly, though, he realized that this doesn't lead to sex. This leads to friendships, and crying late-night phone calls about their jackass boyfriends... and them trying to fix you up with cute guys from their painting classes.

But once you start getting into a pattern like that, it's hard to dig yourself out of it, so he lets Rebecca (who he's been in love with secretly for two long years) talk his ear off about her prom date and he asks Carrie to be his because they're friends and because she hasn't been asked yet. Carrie's always had sort of a crush on him, and he's never been really attracted to her (really at all) but he kisses her because he's a little buzzed, and because he's leaving for college in a few months and it feels sort of pathetic that he's only made it to second base with a girl. They're at Greg's house, about ten of them, and they're drinking beer that Greg's brother bought for them and when Carrie climbs into his lap on the La-Z-Boy he's occupying he doesn't stop her.

They have sex for the first time during Senior Week in Ocean City (kind of a drive, but completely worth it because Dave stole his cousin's ID and they rented a shitty house to do whatever they want in with no supervision). It happens sometime mid-afternoon and he's kind of hazy at that point because he's been drinking since eleven and winning a lot of rounds of beer pong. So, when he and Carrie end up in one of the empty bedrooms he locks the door and she laughs because she's nervous. He goes down on her first because he's pretty sure that's what makes girls want to have sex (and he really really wants to have sex) and its hard to gauge her reactions because she's trying so hard not to make any noise and she keeps looking at him like she's worried he's analyzing the shape of her thighs while he's down there or something insane. But then her stomach starts to pulse a little and she's telling him that's she's ready and that, yes, this is what she wants to do. He isn't sure where to put his hands, or why they make condom wrapping so goddamn childproof, or how fast he should push into her because she's wincing a little, but telling him that she's okay. He doesn't last nearly as long as he expected himself to and he's thankful that her eyes are closed because he's pretty sure he just made the most embarrassing face, and afterwards she kisses him and they get dressed and go back to the party. They drink cheap beer from communal plastic cups and he spends a good portion of the evening holding her hair back as she vomits.

Going to college seems like it will be this hugely fresh start, but its really like more of the same. He's getting better with girls because he can make the drunk ones laugh, but he's a freshman and even the freshman girls can't seem to be bothered with freshman guys. But somehow by second semester he's managed to get laid twice and he's sort of transitioned from the guy with lots of girl friends to a guy that's friends with a lot of other guys. He meets Jim because his roommate is on the basketball team (the school basketball team is pretty terrible, but apparently this Jim guy is pretty decent because people are always asking him about why he didn't pick a school with a better sports program).

Jim's a junior and apparently pretty popular, because he's not shy about making his presence known wherever he goes on campus. His buddies call him Halpert and girls are always cheering for him at games like he's their best friend. Whenever Ryan accepts his roommates invitations to basketball parties (because, let's face it, a lot of girls go to those parties) Jim's there getting plastered and serving as the ringleader of most of the madness. He does things like organize massive drinking games on the fly and people listen to him because he's Jim Halpert and he's a funny guy that people like a lot. And Ryan's not jealous of him, he really likes him. This is the kind of guy he could be in two years if he didn't hate being the center of attention so much. Jim's commanding and likable and friendly. He always recognizes Ryan, even if he doesn't always remember his name, and when Jim talks to you, you feel kind of like your the only thing in his world at that moment. It's a powerful tool the guy has at his disposal, really. Ryan always remembers his mother talking about Bill Clinton that way, that he could be talking to a room full of people, but you felt like he was talking to you.

There's a party a Jim's place one night (and Ryan is definitely not going to miss it because this kind of hot girl from his economics class who's been sitting next to him a lot lately is going) and Brian (that's his roommate - Brian and Ryan, thanks school) says that he should come early with him to pre-game with some of the other basketball players (aka - get drunk before the party even has a chance to start). He decides that is probably a good idea because even though this girl is quiet and touches his arm sometimes when she doesn't need to, he's still a little nervous and might need to down a few beers before he can adequately hit on her. When he gets to Jim's there are about six of them just kind of slouching around on couches, drinking beers and just throwing the cans on the floor when they're done. The floor is kind of sticky, but he wouldn't expect much else.

There's this really loud, kind of larger guy that everyone calls "the D-ster" in a completely un-ironic way who asks him if he wants in on a case race they're having in a couple weeks after the season ends. Apparently that means you try to finish a 30-pack on your own over the course of a day, so he agrees, figuring he'd probably end up passing out around beer 21 or so anyway.

There's still an hour or so until people will start showing up for the party and he's already buzzed. They've got this really old school Nintendo system set up and everyone is playing World Class Track Meet and taking turns running in place on the Power Pad. He goes up against Jim for a round of triple-jump and he's winning because he can move his legs pretty quickly and he's got the thing timed perfectly. Also, Jim's kind of trashed.

"All right, kid!" Jim slaps him on the back. He's not sure if it's lame that Jim's calling him "kid," but he seems impressed and wants to challenge him again, so Ryan just laughs and says "okay."

He's not sure how he gets as wasted as he is, but there are people everywhere now and it's really crowded and loud, and in the back room the lights are off and people are grinding against each other as though that could actually be considered dancing and not just an excuse to dry-hump in public.

"Ryan!" Is all he hears before Morgan (the girl from his sociology class) is practically mauling him, dragging him towards the "dance floor" and he's thinking that maybe this was going to be a lot easier than he anticipated because now she's moving her hips against his crotch and not protesting that his fingers are touching the skin of her back beneath her shirt.

"Hey, kid!" Jim's calling him from the kitchen. "Let's do a shot!"

Morgan is still grinding against him (and kind of not even to the beat of the music anymore), but Jim's waving him over and it's sort of an opportunity to be... something, even if he isn't really sure what that is. So, he tells her he'll be right back and makes his way through the mess of people to the kitchen. Jim can barely pour the vodka (and it's Rikaloff, so if he wasn't already so wasted he might actually be dreading putting that stuff in his mouth straight) and ends up spilling it all over the counter. When Ryan grabs for a paper towel, Jim just laughs and waves him off, telling him "don't be stupid."

One shot somehow ends up being three and then suddenly he's playing beer pong with the D- ster before he remembers that he might want to go find Morgan if he has any hope of getting laid tonight.

"Dude... did Morgan leave?" he asks Brian, who is on the couch looking like he's trying to score with some brunette he thinks is in his Legacy class.

"Bathroom maybe?" Is all he can seem to offer. "Don't come home later, man." Ryan rolls his eyes and makes his way upstairs to the bathroom because that's exactly what he's trying to accomplish here.

He finds Morgan because she's making out with Jim next to the bathroom.

"Ryan," she smiles. "There you are!"

**

"Dude, you like her? I am so sorry -" Jim stumbles into him a little. He's already sent Morgan downstairs, back to the party. He actually looks sorry, but maybe he's just really good at making sincere-looking faces.

"It's okay, really not a big deal."

Jim just stares at him like he's just spoken a foreign language. Finally, he shakes his head and motions for Ryan to follow him into his room.

An hour later he's sitting on Jim's unmade bed smoking a joint and laughing about something that Jim's saying, although he's not quite sure what about what he's saying is actually funny. He talks a lot with his hands, maybe that's it. Jim's just spent the last hour explaining how crazy he is over this girl Megan (who's apparently a fucking goddess, but practically engaged) and how sorry he is for kissing the girl that Ryan likes.

"Man, it's really okay," he's laughing again and passing the joint back. "I seriously just sort of wanted to fuck her. Not a big deal."

"Oh," Jim says, looking kind of confused. "You want to hear this mix I made for her?" By her he means Megan, and it's almost sad that they're at the point where Ryan realizes that without needing to ask.

"Wow, you really like Dashboard Confessional, huh?" Ryan starts to laugh around track three. Jim's leaning back in his desk chair so far that it nearly slips out from under him and then they both can't stop laughing.

When Jim kisses him he tastes like stale beer and weed, and Ryan kisses him back because he's Jim Halpert, the guy that everyone likes, and maybe this is what guys do in college at parties when they get ditched by the girls they were trying to hook up with.

It's not like it is with girls because he's not worried about being careful or gentle and Jim doesn't seem worried about that either, because he's kissing him hard and kind of chewing on his lip enough for it to hurt a little. He's never made out with someone who's heavier than him, so having Jim's weight on top of him is weird, but kind of okay. His hips keep bucking involuntarily and Jim's start to press into him, moving in slow circles enough to make him hard despite how much he's drank and smoked tonight.

Ryan catches himself groaning into his mouth a little as Jim starts pulling at his belt. When his hand slips into the front of his pants and wraps around him he gasps because he's never had a hand job from someone who actually knows what they're doing, and it's kind of fucking amazing.

His fingers fumble with Jim's belt because he's never undone someone else belt before but Jim keeps pushing his hands away. After he comes Jim gives him a towel to clean up with and they lay side by side in his bed. He listens to Jim talk about Megan until they both fall asleep.

**

It's seven o'clock on a Sunday morning and the campus looks like a ghost town as he walks back to his dorm, and he's thinking about how he and his buddies are always teasing that the path from the guy's dorm back to the girl's dorm is the Walk of Shame, whereas the path from the girl's dorm to the guy's dorm is the Walk of Fame.

He wonders what you'd call this.

**

The next time he sees Jim (sees him for real, not just in the distance at the dining hall or up a ways from him on the path) is the day he walks into Dunder-Mifflin. Not that he hadn't heard about him since then, because he ended up dating Morgan for a while and she'd tell Ryan in class about how great he was or whatever. Ryan didn't hang out with the basketball crowd anymore, because he joined a frat sophomore year (junior year he was appointed treasurer) so that took up most of his partying schedule. He heard about it when Jim dropped out sometime between junior and senior year, and he dated Morgan for a few months just because he could. Ryan never even broke up with her, he just stopped calling.

When his new boss introduces him around, Jim Halpert shakes his hand like they're meeting for the first time and it dawns on Ryan that maybe Jim thinks that they are. And sure, his hair is longer now and he's a little taller (yeah, he managed a two inch growth spurt junior year, but that wasn't really much to write home about), but the guy doesn't even recognize him?

When Jim left people used to ask about him. Mark was his best friend and he just used to shrug and say "he got a job" and leave it at that.

They talk sometimes at work now, but not a lot. He's not really the same guy (he is, but he isn't). He's always hanging off the receptionist's desk and pissing off the really uptight guy that sits next to him. He's been working there for roughly two months when he decides that he really doesn't like Jim Halpert, and that maybe he never has.

The pranks get old fast, even the ones that are sort of funny, because Ryan's just trying to do his work and go home and go to school and get a much better job in a much better place than here. Jim doesn't seem to think that way though, he's too busy with Pam and doesn't seem to care about where his life is leading him. People here seem to like Jim too, but that's to be expected because he organizes stupid games and treats the place like it's something that it's not.

They're in the kitchen alone one day when Jim says that he needs to ask him an awkward question. He's sure that he knows what's coming, since he's been preparing for this since day one, but that doesn't mean he isn't nervous.

"What do you think of Kelly?"

And that's that.

Kelly's really into him it turns out so he lets her come out with his friends a few times, and she drinks enough to look like she's having fun, but not enough to say something she didn't plan on saying. He's pretty drunk when he kisses her, but earlier that day was when he realized that maybe he really does like her... at least, he likes her enough to ignore her at work and to kiss her at night. It doesn't even take any effort on his part to get her to sleep with him because that's the way this works. Girls always want guys that act like they don't exist half the time, then all you have to do is smile the right way once and you've got them on their backs.

He's not sure at what point Kelly goes from co-worker with benefits to girlfriend, but as much as she annoys him, it's nice having her around. It's like a real relationship and he doesn't really have much experience there to speak of, but she doesn't give up on him when he makes mistakes, and there's certainly something to be said for that.

He's also not sure at what point he goes from disliking Jim to downright loathing him, but he's pretty sure it's somewhere between "I'm taking a trip" and "So, that's still going on, huh?" So, by the time Jim comes back from Stamford he's not about to give him anything, let alone his desk. And now Jim is his superior, but he doesn't act like it. He's still pranking on Dwight and mugging for the camera (sometimes Ryan wonders who would be the recipient of all of those looks if there were no camera lens in Jim's face all the time - the plant, maybe?). But after a few months of the same, he realizes that maybe he doesn't hate Jim so much anymore, just because it's hard to hate someone that is this pathetic. He's like a shell of the person he was in college, but Ryan draws the line at feeling bad for him and settles for just feeling a little better than him.

**

Ryan isn't sure how it happened, but Jim's been hanging out with him and Kelly a lot since Karen got the job in New York. Kelly says that he's sad and that he needs it and asks him not to complain or roll his eyes too much and she'll make it up to him later (which she always does). But Ryan thinks that Kelly laughs too loudly when Jim makes a joke.

It's kind of okay bringing Jim to meet his friends, because when Jim gets around people he's pretty likable and he always seems genuinely interested in what's going on. Part of him starts to worry that his friends will start liking Jim more, but mostly he thinks that's pretty middle school of him.

Some nights Jim even comes over after the bar or the party or whatever they happen to be doing that night. Ryan plays video games (which is hard when you're trashed and can barely coordinate your fingers enough to punch the right buttons) while Kelly and Jim sit all huddled up on the couch talking in hushed voices about whatever it is that girls with broken hearts talk about. What? That's what he is, really.

"Fuck you, goomba," he snarls at the screen and almost knocks his beer over on the carpet.

"You aren't timing it right," Jim says from behind him one night.

"I'm pressing the right buttons, Mario is the one fucking up here."

Jim reaches his hand out for the controller and he gives it to him. The underwater level is next and he fucking hates that one anyway.

Kelly falls asleep on the couch somewhere between two and two-thirty and when Jim turns to him he's expecting to suggest that they go to sleep, but instead he says "Want to switch to two-player?"

**

Jim doesn't cry on the couch with Kelly after parties anymore. In fact, he becomes a lot easier to be around (especially after they discover that they make a kick-ass take-no-prisoners beer pong team).

"Does Jim have to come out with us tonight?" Kelly sighs one night as she's applying her mascara.

"He's already on his way, Kel." Which is weird because he's usually the one complaining about Jim being such a tag-along.

"Well, he can't stay the night," she says. "I've got a present and I want to give it to you later."

He swats her ass as he walks past her and says "okay," but he knows that she's just wasted more money on lingerie when she's already got plenty of perfectly good underwear stuffed in her second dresser drawer.

Jim ends up getting wasted and he practically has to drag him up the stairs to the apartment. Kelly says she understands why they can't leave him alone, but she looks disappointed so he kisses her and tells her that Jim's drunk enough that he's sure they can have sex as loudly as they want in the next room and he won't know the difference.

The next morning he brings Jim an aspirin and a cup of water and wakes him up by smacking him in the back of the head.

"You're drooling on my couch, dude."

"This couch isn't long enough," Jim groans, stretching his legs to their full potential (which leaves them hanging well over the edge).

"Yeah, you want to buy me a new one?" he laughs.

"True, you probably can't afford it since you can't make a sale," Jim's grinning now and Ryan chucks the remote at his head.

"Thanks, Michael."

"You should come with me on Tuesday, I've got a call over in Dickson City."

He wants to say no, because he doesn't really want to give Jim an entire afternoon of his life to be smug with him about how much of a better salesman he is, but he agrees anyway because he really needs a fucking commission.

On Tuesday he's nervous and Jim kind of laughs at him, but not in the condescending way he expected him to. Jim lets him take the lead and he's nervous, but a lot more relaxed than he was when Dwight was the one sitting next to him, mentally grading his performance.

Afterwards, Jim buys him a beer and they celebrate Ryan's first big sale. He's not sure if it's the alcohol or the adrenaline from actually accomplishing something, but he thinks that maybe Jim looks proud of him.

**

Ryan is bummed when Kelly breaks up with him, but it's not like it came out of the blue or like he thought they were going to get married or something. Still, he misses things about her, and sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night and just lays there wondering what it would be like if she were there.

He and Jim end up making some big faux-celebration out of the fact that they're both single now and he makes a bet with him on who can go home with the hotter girl that evening. But, in the end, they end up wasting too much of the party at the beer pong table (they're fucking good – he loses count of how many rounds they win in a row) and fall asleep on his carpet with video game controllers in their hands.

He wakes up before Jim moves and climbs onto the couch because Jim's taking up all of the floor space. It must be weird to have legs that long. Ryan feels like he always has to work in order to take up space, but with Jim it's just a given. The remote is wedged in between two of the couch cushions and he flicks the TV on (turning the volume down a little because he's not that much of an ass) and for a second he can't even remember what day of the week it is.

"What the fuck are you watching?" he hears Jim groan. He didn't even realize that he had woken up.

"Nothing," Ryan yawns. "Just some stupid movie."

"My Big Fat Greek Wedding?"

"Kelly used to make me watch it."

"Oh," Jim yawns. "You miss her?"

"Sometimes. Do you miss Karen?"

"I miss Pam."

He stops himself from facetiously reminding Jim that he sees Pam every day, because he knows that's not what he means.

"I don't deserve her though," he sighs, and Ryan worries for a second that this conversation is going to turn very emo very fast.

"That's a stupid thing to say," he says, because it is, but he thinks that maybe Jim might get annoyed with him for saying it.

But then Jim's laughing and he does too. Serious conversations turn out to be not so terrible with him.

**

It's a Thursday when he walks in on Jim and Pam practically necking in the break room.

"Ryan," Pam's saying, wiping her lips with the back of her hand. Jim's just standing there with this shit-eating grin on his face like he's just found the surprise in the bottom of his cereal.

For some reason he can't stop wondering why Jim didn't mention this. They had strayed into the "serious-talk friends" category weeks ago.

"Kelly and I are getting back together," he hears himself saying for no reason. And right after he leaves he goes and makes sure that this is true. He has been missing her, and she's been hinting at the fact that she's single again for the past few weeks.

Now that Jim and Pam are finally together together, he expects to be spending a lot of nights with Kelly hoarding the remote, making him watch A Baby Story and Perfect Proposal until he wants to scoop his eyeballs out and throw them at the TV screen. But actually, Jim doesn't really end up spending less time at his place. It's just that now Kelly and Pam are there too. And, even though the combined wills of Pam and Kelly mean that he and Jim never win on the choice in television programming, at least he has someone else to mock it with. It actually makes watching bad TV kind of fun.

Lifetime movies become his and Jim's favorites because they've got the whole package, from terrible directing, to acting, to general plot and dialogue, not to mention the fact that the title basically is a summary for the movie ("I got raped at Denny's" and "A Tramp Stamp Murder" are the titles of his and Jim's upcoming Lifetime scripts that they are sure will get picked up by the network).

"How is this the women's network? Every time we put this on someone is getting raped or beaten," Jim asks, but Kelly and Pam are barely listening.

"Or sexually abused. Can't forget that," Ryan adds.

"Or having an affair with their best friend's husband."

"Or uncovering a murder plot, but usually someone gets raped either way."

"You two are awful," Pam scolds them, but she's giggling and Kelly's just shushing them so that she can hear better.

One Sunday the four of them end up finding a Lifetime movie marathon (An alphabet marathon no less - one movie for every letter). They end up watching all the way from P to W.

Pam and Kelly both fall asleep somewhere during "T" so Jim suggest that they order Chinese and surprise them when they wake up. Jim's always such a sap like that, always forcing him to be a better boyfriend to Kelly than he wants to be.

When the food arrives they're on "U" and the four of them sit cross-legged on the floor, passing around cartons because Ryan doesn't exactly have a dining table or anything. "U" ends up being about some chick that figures out her husband is gay or something, and it always floors Ryan how many questions Kelly asks during movies, even simple, inane, Lifetime movies, but maybe even more surprising is how patient Pam and Jim seem to answer all of them.

"Is that Barbara Streisand?"

"No, she just has a weird nose." (Pam)

"Ohmygod, did she just do what I think she just did??"

"Yep." (Jim)

"Should I get my hair cut like that?"

"No." (Ryan)

"So, have any of you guys ever experimented like that, like in college or whatever? I made out with this girl once at this frat party, but then I noticed that her shoes were so heinous. Ugh. Biggest mistake of my life."

Pam looks like she's seriously considering this questions as she pokes a piece of shrimp with her chopstick. Jim looks interested.

"I kissed one of my friends in college... just on a dare though," Pam shrugs. She really seems like she's concentrating on that shrimp.

"Nice," Jim's grinning from ear to ear. "Tongue?"

She throws the shrimp at him. "How about you guys?" she teases.

Ryan realizes without thinking first that he's nodding at the same time that Jim is shaking his head and saying "never."

"That is so hot," Kelly is saying to him now. "Why didn't you ever tell me??"

"Yeah, Ryan - we need that story," Pam's grinning. Jim looks like he's eagerly awaiting the story too and it hits him that he really doesn't remember. It's probably a good thing. It's a great thing, actually, because that means that no one can find out about it and he can just forget worrying and dreading the day that he and Jim finally talk about it. Something in his stomach starts to hurt, but maybe that's just the Kung-Pao not sitting well.

"It wasn't a big deal," he shrugs, breaking open his fortune cookie. "I was drunk and stoned. It wasn't a big deal."

"Queer," Jim shakes his head mockingly and Ryan hits him on the nose with half of his cookie.

"Shit, I threw the half with the fortune," Ryan realizes. "Give that back."

"No way!" Jim pushes him back, pulling out the little slip of paper.

"You can't read it yet Jim," Pam insists. "You have to eat the whole cookie before you can read the fortune or it won't mean anything."

"I thought you had to give half of your cookie away for the fortune to mean something," Kelly scrunches her face up, obviously really thinking about it.

Ryan manages to snatch the paper from Jim's fingers when Jim accidentally smashes an eggroll with his elbow. He settles back into his spot on the floor next to Kelly (who seems to still be wondering about the proper way to eat a fortune cookie) and opens up the paper.

"Wait, is this cookie warning me against having a threesome?"

"The cookie is probably just jealous of your mad abilities to attract members of both sexes," Jim's grinning like an idiot again. "Hey, it wasn't Michael was it?"

He sort of wants to punch him, but he ends up laughing instead. Pam's practically choking on her water and Kelly wasn't paying attention so she's just saying "what's so funny? What'd I miss??" and getting more and more frustrated because everyone is laughing too hard to explain.

"It was you, actually," he ends up saying for some reason. "You don't remember?"

"Oh yeah," Jim nods, going along with him. "Now I remember. Dude, you really need to shave your balls next time."

Pam's crying laughing, collapsed on the carpet. Kelly tells them that they're "being gross."

**

He's lost count of the number of months that Jim and Pam have been dating when Pam shows up on his doorstep crying. He invites her in and she talks to him like they're more than just friends who watch movies together on the weekends. She's worried about things with Jim. She doesn't feel like he's interested enough anymore. She loves him and she's confused.

"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say -" he says. It's been a long time since a crying woman has asked his advice.

"You're his best friend, Ryan," she sniffs. "I used to be his best friend."

He's trying to offer his advice when she kisses him.

"Pam, this isn't-"

"Ryan, please." Is all she says before she's kissing him again and it's been so long since he's kissed someone that isn't Kelly and Pam is kissing him like she really really needs him. Like she's desperate. He tells himself that this is why he lets her undo his belt and that this is why she's clawing at his back as she comes.

"Do you like me, Ryan?" she asks him afterwards.

"I think you're great, Pam," he says because he's not really sure what she's getting at. "I feel like shit right now though."

His cellphone rings and it's Jim, and he shouldn't answer it because he's in bed with Jim's girlfriend, but he does.

"Is Pam over there?"

"Yeah, she's here."

"Kelly is here..."

"Oh," he sighs. When he turns to Pam to ask her what the hell is going on, she's already gotten dressed and is heading for the door.

**

Their girlfriends break up with them within a few days of one another. They stop watching Lifetime, because there's no excuse to if there's no one there to make them.

**

He's not sure at what point Jim goes from friend to best friend (or if he's too old to qualify his friends like that anymore), but they spend a lot of time together, even if they do hit on the same girls sometimes.

"Dude, why can't we ever crash at my place?" Jim's yawning and cracking his back one morning. "I'm sick of sleeping on this goddamn couch."

"Xbox," Ryan shrugs, shoveling another spoon of cereal in his mouth. "Deal with it, Halpert."

They're eating Cap'n Crunch and Apple Jacks between them. Ryan's not sure when he started stocking his cabinets with the latter, but Jim likes them and he does have to sleep on a pretty uncomfortable couch, so he can at least buy the cereal he likes.

"The weekend is too short," Jim says for maybe the thousandth time.

"Yeah? At least Michael doesn't call you on the weekends. Am I going to get a call today?" Jim has the tendency when they're out drinking to steal Ryan's phone and leave messages on Michael's cell, which would be funny if it weren't Michael and if it didn't make Michael think they were like drunk-dial buddies or something.

"Shit," Jim shakes his head. "I had this whole Adam Sandler bit worked out that I was going to do too. Forgot about that, maybe next weekend, man."

Ryan probably should be pissed at him, Jim and his stupid pranks and the fact that he never ever lets it go. But he's laughing instead and there's some milk dribbling down his chin, which of course Jim has to point out.

They settle on watching a marathon of Flavor of Love, and about three episodes in he realizes that Jim's looking at him weird, like he's waiting to ask him a question.

"What?"

When Jim kisses him he realizes that they have been sitting a lot closer than he thought. It's weird that he hadn't noticed.

"Oh."

He expects Jim to apologize or get embarrassed, but he just goes back to watching the show.

"Hey," Ryan says at the next commercial break. Jim looks at him again and then he's leaning forward and kissing him. Which is different and sort of not something he expected himself to do.

And then Jim's on top of him, and he's kind of heavy but he also kind of likes it. His lips are chapped and his nose is kind of whistling a little because he must be stuffy or something. Ryan slips his hands underneath his shirt and he can feel the muscles in Jim's back tense up a little at first. When Jim moves his hips unexpectedly Ryan makes a noise into his mouth that he didn't plan on. He slides his hands from Jim's back to his stomach and then finds the hem of his boxers and slips his fingers underneath. Jim's hard in his hand and breathing heavy.

"Wait," Jim pulls himself up all of the sudden. "I-I have to go –"

You've got to be kidding me.

They don't speak at work for two weeks, and every time Jim calls he lets it go to voicemail.

**

"Hey," Pam's standing next to his desk one afternoon. It's been a long time since she's talked to him. "I think you should talk to him."

"Talk to who." He doesn't really say it as a question because he already knows who she's talking about.

"Just talk to him, Ryan. He's a mess, okay?"

"I can't believe he told you. Pam, I'm not -"

"Ryan, please," she says again, just like she did that one night.

When she walks away he thinks that he can see her crying.

**

Ryan ends up inviting him over to watch the Eagles game that weekend. They sit on opposite ends of the couch.

"That ref is fucking blind," Jim's throwing his arms up and leaning forward like he wants to jump inside the television and strangle the guy.

"Jim, I'm not gay." He's not sure why he chooses that moment to reveal what he's been waiting all night to say.

"Me either."

The Eagles win with a field goal in overtime, but they stopped paying attention around the third quarter.

**
For weeks (even though it feels like years) all they do is make out with all of their clothes on like they are a couple of teenagers in one of their parents' basements.

They go to parties and hit on girls like nothing has changed, but they never go home with anyone. Jim still sleeps on the couch.

One morning Ryan's had enough of the whole thing. He wakes up hard and when he walks out into the living room, Jim's splayed out on the couch wearing only his boxers and snoring really obnoxiously. He straddles Jim's hips and when he kisses his naked chest Jim groans a little in his sleep. Ryan hooks his fingers into the waistband on Jim's boxers and they pull down easily. Jim's already hard when he puts his mouth around him, and he's nervous, but Jim's eyes are still closed and he isn't even sure if he's really awake or not, so it makes it at least a little easier to do.

Pretty soon Jim's hips are twitching and pushing himself deeper into Ryan's mouth, and his hands are tangled up in Ryan's hair. He can tell that Jim's close and when he glances up he can see that Jim's watching him. It turns out to be a lot easier than Ryan ever anticipated.

They spend the rest of the weekend in his room. Jim says it's nice sleeping in an actual bed for once.

**

The first time Ryan gets up the nerve to say "I love you" it's so soft that Jim doesn't hear him correctly.

"Why are you always mumbling?" Jim says, pointing out that Ryan's elementary school speech pathologist (Mrs. Walton) wouldn't really be pleased with his progress. Jesus, Jim remembers her name. No wonder people fall in love with Jim Halpert. It's like he's got an unfair advantage or something.

"Nevermind."

"Quitter," Jim shakes his head and turns back to the commercial about potato chips.

"I love you, okay?"

"I heard you the first time," Jim just winks at him. "Do we have any more chips?"

It's fucking ridiculous is what it is. Jim Halpert. Jesus Christ. Ryan's in the kitchen before he even realizes that he stood up from the couch, but that's what rage blackouts do to people. He shouldn't have said it. Whatever.

"Hey." Jim's standing behind him now and his arms are tight around his waist and his chin is on his shoulder like they were supposed to fit together that way. "I was just kidding. I love you."

Ryan laughs and shoves the chips into his chest. "I hate you."

"No you don't, you looove me," Jim taunts him with a mouthful of chips, pretending like he's trying to kiss him.

"You're disgusting," Ryan laughs, pushing him away. Jim's standing there, leaning on the counter and laughing to himself like he's the funniest guy in the universe. He's not sure why he chooses that moment to say it, but he does. "We hooked up in college, Jim."

"Yeah, I remember that - it was right between Econ and PoliSci, right? In the library stacks?" Jim chuckles in the same look-at-me-I'm-so-funny kind of way.

"I'm serious. It was at that party. The first night you hooked up with Morgan?"

"Morgan..." And then the realization of it is all over Jim's face and his mouth is hanging open a little. "I barely even remember that night."

"Obviously," he rolls his eyes.

"I can't believe that was you."

"You seriously don't remember?"

And then Jim's arms are around him again and he's kissing him. When he pulls away Jim puts his forehead against his so that their eyes are even for once.

"No, I don't. I wish I did though. I really wish I did."

Ryan can't help it, he just starts laughing. "You are so lame sometimes."

"Oh thanks," Jim rolls his eyes.

"Really, you are such a girl."

"Me?? You're the one that said 'I love you' first."

"Yeah, and I bet you were just waiting for me to say it, right?" Jim looks away and he knows that look.

"No..." Jim says, but it's obviously not the truth.

"Waiting for the other person to say it first," Ryan shakes his head like he's scolding him. "You are the girl of this relationship, Halpert. Deal with it."

"Shut up. I hate you."

**

When Michael finds out he calls an emergency conference room meeting which somehow ends in Oscar being assigned to mentor the two of them (under Michael's tutelage, of course) through this "life-changing lifestyle adjustment." Kevin giggles through the whole meeting, Angela keeps looking like she might throw up, and he's pretty sure that Kelly leaves in the middle of it to throw up, but at least Michael doesn't try to kiss him.

"Is Pam alright?" he asks later as he's emptying the dishwasher.

"Yeah, I mean, she knew. I told her, but I think she knew way before that."

"And she's okay with it?"

"She's... she says she wants me to be happy," he says. He sounds a little sad, so Ryan decides not to push it. "How's Kelly?"

"Oh, you know, she's Kelly," he shrugs. "She cried hysterically for a little while and then said that she needed to call my mom to apologize for turning her son gay. And then she asked if I wanted to go to the mall with her this weekend because she could really use my opinion on these shoes she wants."

"Oh, dating me suddenly gives you good taste in shoes then?"

"Hey, I've always had good taste in shoes. You're the one that could use some help."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Ryan just laughs and tugs on the end of Jim's tie.

"My ties? You have a problem with my ties? That's barely even clothing, it so doesn't count. Besides, yours are all just... blue ones."

"You like the blue ones, you told me, remember? Besides, Michael thinks so too, and he's a connoisseur of both men's and women's apparel, so..."

"Speaking of our fearless leader... what'd he say when he talked to you 'privately'?" Jim grins.

"Safe sex," Ryan sighs. "And he said he'd lend me his copy of Philadelphia. Plus he wanted to know what I liked about you, or something to that effect."

"So, what'd you say?" Jim laughs, crossing his arms across his chest like he can't wait to know.

"I told him that you don't make me feel short."

Ryan cracks a shy smile and then Jim's kissing him against the counter.