When Pam was six years old, she stumbled across a very still rabbit in her backyard.  It looked like it was asleep, but when Pam put her ear down to its chest, she couldn’t detect any breath sounds and though it was very fuzzy, it was cold and stiff to the touch. Her tears had started almost immediately for the poor little bunny that was lying dead under her bedroom window.

She had gone to find her mother, to see if maybe there was something she could do for it…some piece of mom magic or a special recipe that could bring the little creature back to life. At the very least, if it was a lost cause, maybe they could plan a funeral for it so that it wouldn’t have to lie there unprotected and alone. After she told her mother about her discovery, her mom told her to change her clothing and wash her hands and she’d see what she could do to help out. By the time that Pam had freshened up and gone back outside to check on Peter (that’s what she had decided to call him) the rabbit was gone. New tears had started to fall from the corners of her eyes.

“Mom…where did he go?” She was disappointed that she hadn’t gotten a chance to say goodbye.

“Well, honey. Your brother and I brought him back to life and he was just so excited to wake up that he couldn’t wait to start living again and he hopped right off. I’m sure he’s very grateful.”

That made sense, and as kids do, Pam had forgotten all about that rabbit until her mother reminded her about it years later and confessed that she had had Pam’s brother bury the poor thing in the back garden to spare Pam from the realities of death and to protect her from icky dead animal germs.

Pam thinks about that now as she bounds up the stairs at work today. She’s like that rabbit. She’s so excited to be back to life…to have Jim back in her life that she can’t wait to start living again.

When she gets into work, she’s disappointed that Jim isn’t there. She starts her morning rituals anyway. She boots up her computer, takes the phone off of automatic voicemail, updates Michael’s calendar and starts a pot of tea brewing. As her co-workers start to file in, she remembers that the last thing that anyone knew, she was escorting a very drunk Jim out of Poor Richard’s last night. She wonders how long it will be before someone approaches her and asks for details.

The answer to that question is 12 seconds.

“So, Pam. Jim isn’t here today. Karen isn’t here either. Isn’t that weird? Why wasn’t Jim in New York? Ryan says he saw you guys kissing. What happened last night? Did you go back to Jim’s place? Did you guys hook up?”

Pam can’t deal with this right now.

“Kevin, please. It’s none of your business, but Jim and I are just friends. Nothing happened okay?”

“But….”

“Just…shoo, okay?”

She looks up and sees Phyllis giving her a big smile and a double thumbs up. It seems like a little bit of office intrigue brings out the Kelly in everyone. Pam eyes Jim’s empty desk and decides to do something about it.

New Pam doesn’t have time for BS like that. She simply picks up the phone and punches in his home number.

It rings. Once. Twice. Three times. He picks up on the fourth ring.

“…’lo?” Despite her newfound bravery, a small wave of relief that he’s at home washes over her.

“Jim? It’s Pam. I was just calling to see if you’re okay.” She’s perfectly within her rights to be doing this. This is what friends do for each other.

‘Uh….no, actually.” Her stomach starts to turn somersaults until he continues and puts her at ease. “I guess I overslept. Last night was brutal. Damn, I feel like crap. Can you tell Michael that I won’t be in today?”

“Yeah. You were pretty drunk last night.” She wonders if he remembers their conversation…..if he remembers the kiss. It’s like he can read her mind.

“I was, but I’m pretty sure I can remember most of what happened.” She can hear his smile. This is good.

“Are you okay? I mean about Karen and….”

“Honestly?  I don’t think I’ve had a chance to process anything while sober yet. Listen, I think…I think we need to talk. Maybe later…after I’ve had some sleep and a shower?”

She cringes at his choice of words. The last thing they need to do is ‘talk’ … that’s their problem.

“I’d like to see you. Yeah.”

“I’ll call you later, okay?”

“I’ll tell Michael for you.”

“Thanks.”

When he hangs up, she holds the phone to her ear for a few seconds closes her eyes and breathes. She’s going to need every ounce of strength she can muster to deal with him and the talk he wants to have.

She passes the time during the incredibly long day by avoiding her co-workers’ sideways glances. She throws herself into her work, offers to do some extra filing for Michael and organizes items on the supply shelf.

When 4:30 rolls around, Jim still hasn’t called and she’s starting to get concerned. Maybe he forgot. Most likely, he just fell back asleep, but she was hoping to deal with some things today…she was ready to start living again. Just when she’s about to give up hope, he walks into the office. He’s dressed like he was yesterday…faded jeans, t-shirt and ball cap, but he’s shaved and his eyes are clear and alert. He walks, almost shyly, up to the reception desk.

“Hey.”

“Hey, you look better.”

“I feel better.”

“How did you get here?”

“Mark had to go into work and so the only way I’d be able to get my car today is if I rode over with him so, ummm…here I am.” She can feel everyone’s eyes turned toward her desk….even Stanley has a curious look plastered on his usually neutral face.

“Oh, for Pete’s sake, everyone,” her voice is raised. “It’s just Jim!”

Jim turns and faces everyone and waves slightly….like he’s the queen. “I realize the appearance of casual clothing in this office is quite rare, and I know that I look really hot in these jeans, but c’mon everyone.”

Chastised, everyone gets back to work. He turns toward her, his voice soft and low. “I’d hate to scandalize everyone here even more, but I was wondering if we could head up to the roof….to talk.”

“Let me get my coat.”

************************

From the vantage point on the roof, she can see Scranton spread out below her. The setting sun is casting fire-like shadows over the century-old brick. Everything is orange and crimson and though the temperature is actually kind of cool, the colors warm her and remind her of what it is she needs to do.

He’s standing close beside her. Though they aren’t touching, she can sense a synaptic connection between her shoulder and his arm. He’s staring out at the skyline too…probably remembering the “date” they once had up here. Probably remembering how she put him in his place when he even suggested that it was a date. There’s that history….licking at their heels again.

“Pam….” His voice is raw and tinged with the drama he must suspect he needs to accompany his words. “I think we should talk about….well, you know.”

She closes her eyes….takes a breath and says what she means.

“I think that’s a horrible idea, Jim.”

He turns toward her, a wounded look in his eyes, his mouth open. Pam thinks…this is what surprise looks like.

“What? I thought, I mean…..” He’s turned now, leaning against the brick railing and the orange shadows have reached his hair. It’s like he has a halo.

“Just, listen…okay? This is going to sound pretty hokey, but…..Jim, when I did the coal walk last week, something in me changed. Or maybe it didn’t change; maybe it just brought things into focus. It was like I was purified….like all of the mistakes and regrets of the last few years were burnt away. It’s how I was able to say those things to you….to be honest with you for the first time in a very long time.”

He’s looking at her like she’s crazy. It’s hard to explain spiritual, life-changing forces to people who haven’t gone through them as well.

“Anyway, one thing I realized is that I don’t want to dwell in the past. We both made mistakes, Jim, but what’s important now is what lies ahead. Behind us there’s only pain and hurt and regret and I don’t want that anymore. I want to move forward….I want to start living again…..with you.”

“But how will we…..” He’s trying to make sense of this, she can tell. He’s probably had this notion in his head for a long time that what they need to do is talk things out and make sense of their past choices. She wants to fast forward right through that.

“Just, Jim…..the key here is that we know each other. I know you so well. Yeah, there are things I don’t know yet….things I’ll discover…that we’ll discover together. But when I push aside my hurt and think about what I know about you, I understand every choice you’ve made in the past year. And I would hope that if you thought about what you know about me and put aside how I made you feel….you’d understand my choices as well.”

She takes his hand and looks up into his eyes.

“Casino night, Jim. Think about it. Do you know why I told you I couldn’t? Why I was still going to marry Roy? I’ll give you a hint…it wasn’t because I didn’t feel the same way about you.”

He closes his eyes and when he opens them, there’s a clarity there.

“Yeah,  I guess I do understand….it was because you needed time to—“

“We don’t need to hash it out, Jim. We just know. I know why you left after that. Do you understand why I didn’t call you to tell you I called off my wedding?”

He understands now.

“Yes, I do.”

“And I understand why you didn’t call me. I know why you didn’t return my text message. I know why you came back to Scranton with Karen. Do you understand why I went back to Roy? Why I could have done that after everything that happened?”

This one seems the most painful for him to acknowledge, but he squeezes her hand tighter.

“Yes, I do.” And she can see in his eyes that now that he’s stopped worrying about his own pain, he can see the loneliness, fear and jealousy that propelled her back into Roy’s arms.

“And I think we both understand why we’re here now. See, we don’t need to talk about it. We don’t need to wallow in the pain of the past….we know each other so we can move on. And that’s what I’d like to do. It’s not denial….it’s…it’s acceptance.”

Before she’s even finished speaking, he’s gathered her up in his arms, holding her close to his chest. His lips are buried in her hair and she can feel the muscles in his back relax under her palms. When he steps back to look at her, there are tears in his eyes.

“How did you get to be so wise, Pam?”

“It just took a walk through fire.”

The sky has gone black now, the setting sun just a memory, but she can still feel the warmth of the oranges and reds. He’s let her go now and he’s sprinting towards the hatch.

“I’ll be right back….stay here.”

She has no idea what he’s up to, but she trusts him. She looks back out at the twinkling lights in the buildings below her. Each of them is a star…each of them is a wish, but she doesn’t need to wish tonight. She knows now what her future holds.

Suddenly, he’s back, carrying all of the votive candles from the office ladies’ room. He’s got the men’s room candle as well. He’s on his knees, clearing places in the roof gravel to insert the glass holders until he’s made a trail of candles, their tops flush with the height of the stones. He hands her the lighter and tells her to light them. As she bends to do so, he leans up against the railing to remove his shoes and socks. She knows then what he intends to do.

“Jim…you don’t have to….you’ll only hurt yourself.”

“Doesn’t matter, Pam. You did it and I think it worked out pretty well. You burnt off the past, it’s my turn to do that too….even if it’s not quite the same. Your coal walk may have been hotter, but mine, Pam….mine will….smell like cookies. I’m not going to leave you the chance to one day rub it in my face…I’m the one who walked through fire, Jim….. I want to renew this relationship on even footing…no pun intended.”

He stands in front of the trail he’s made, shakes out his hands and takes a deep breath. He walks across the tops of the candles slowly, because he’s right…they aren’t as hot as coals, but they are still warm. His footing is unsure in the loose gravel, but eventually, he makes it to the end of the walk and collapse in her arms.

“Now….we’re even.” She laughs and agrees.

When he kisses her this time, there is no pain and no regret, only hope and promise and the purity created by vanilla scented fire. They can start living again….together.