"When did this happen?"

"About ten minutes ago." Pam twirled the phone cord around her finger.

"Did you tell him how you felt about that?" her mother asked.

"No, I didn’t know what to say."

"You're getting married soon, you know. You should really decide on what to do."

"Yes, I know," Pam replied.

"And how do you feel about him, anyhow?"

"Um, I don’t know, Mom, he’s my best friend," Pam answered.

"You really like him, don't you?"

"Yeah, he’s great."

"Are you still going to marry Roy?" Her mother's question caused Pam to stop breathing for a moment.

"Yeah, I think I am."

"Well, if you have conflicting feelings--"

"Um, I have to go," Pam said when she saw him walking in.

"Call me tomorrow and we'll talk."

"I will." Pam hung up the phone and looked at Jim. She expected him to say something, but he didn't. He just continued to walk towards her. "Listen, Jim--"

And then, before she realized what was happening, he was kissing her. The first thing Pam noticed was that he was a much better kisser than Roy. Roy was greedy and sloppy. But Jim? He was giving and soft.

And before she could think twice, her hands had reached up to take his face in her hands. And his hair... his soft, thick hair between her fingers...

She pulled away.  She allowed him to hold her hands, only because she couldn't bring herself to take them away from him.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," he told her.

"Me too," she admitted. Catching herself in such honesty, she added, "I think we're just drunk."

"No, I'm not drunk," he told her. "Are you drunk?" She could see the anxiety in his eyes. He could never live with himself if he had just kissed Pam while she was drunk. That would have crossed the line.

"No," she admitted. At that response, Jim leaned in for another kiss, but she stopped him. "Jim."

"You're really going to marry him?" he asked.

Pam held her breath as she nodded. She had come this far... She couldn't just quit.

"Okay," Jim said. Then, awkwardly, he walked away.

Pam considered calling him back, but she couldn't bring herself to it. You're engaged, she told herself. You can't just give up on Roy because things aren't perfect. You can't just give up on ten years because of some... infatuation.

But it wasn't infatuation, and she knew it.

It was more than that.

***

Pam got home late that night. Roy had fallen asleep on the couch, the TV blaring and a beer on the coffee table.

Pam bit her lip. You sure about this?

Pam sighed and went into the bedroom. She undressed, got into her tank-top and cotton PJ pants, and slipped into bed. But it was a long time before she could sleep.

He loves me, she kept thinking, over and over. What the hell do I do? Just go back to work and pretend nothing happened? And what about Roy? What if he finds out... I thought I was safe. As long as it was all in my imagination, it was safe--to dream and fantasize. But now... it's real. What do I do? He loves me...

***

Pam sighed. She tapped her pen on the desk and looked at the empty desk.

She had cried when she heard he was transferring. She didn't let anyone know, of course. She simply went into the bathroom and let it out there. It was a miracle that no one noticed... Or maybe they did and they just didn't say anything.

Everyone said it was because the position offered more money, and because it was getting him on his way to upper management. But Pam knew better. She wouldn't admit it, but she knew it was because of that night.

Pam pursed her lips and checked her email. She knew there was nothing there, but she checked anyways. She considered emailing him, but what would she say?

She opened her email and clicked "New Message."

She tapped the keys absently for a moment, thinking. She then started typing.

Jim,

I know we left in an awkward way, but

She stopped and erased what she had written, and then tried again.

Jim,

Hey, how are you? I miss you

Again she stopped, erased, and started over.

Hey, Jim-

How's it going? We all miss you here. You should have seen Michael the day after you left. He was all pouty. Dwight tried to cheer him up, but that didn't work too well.

Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I

The phone rang. Pam closed the email, deleting it, and answered the phone.

"Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam... One moment, I'll transfer you." After transferring a customer to Kelly, Pam hung up the phone and looked at her computer. Should she write the email? Pam bit her lip in contemplation.

Roy came in to eat with her for lunch. She kept her lips tight and barely looked at him.

"C'mon, it wasn't that late," he mumbled, leaning over her desk. He had gone out with his brother the night before and came home at 3am. Pam didn't mind him going out on the weekends, but on a worknight? That was just irresponsible. To have a few drinks after work was no big deal--but to spend hours on end barhopping...

"I'm not very hungry," Pam told him pointedly.

Roy nodded with a sigh. He turned and went headed for the break room.

Pam watched him walking away, and turned back to her computer. She opened the email and clicked on "New Message" but cliked it closed almost the moment it opened. She couldn't... not yet.