After she called him for the seventh time she realized that he wasn't going to pick up, so she dialed Michael's number instead.
"Michael!" she shouted when he answered.
"Pamalama...mama, wazzup?"
Ignoring his greeting, she said desperately, "Michael, is Jim still with you?"
"Yessshhh," he replied, and then giggled. She heard a muffled sound, some more giggling, and then the phone went dead.
Frustrated, she threw the phone across the room, hitting the front door just seconds before it opened, revealing Jim, with his arm draped over Dwight's neck.
"Beeeeeesly!" he slurred. "I sure was missing you!" He let go of Dwight and tried to approach Pam, but stumbled and landed on the floor.
"Oh my God, Dwight, he's drunk!"
"Very observant of you," replied Dwight sarcastically.
Jim was now on his back on the floor, giggling like a little girl.
"No, no, no, you don't understand. I have to get to the hospital. My water broke, and I'm starting to have contractions!"
"What?" Dwight was alarmed. "Um... quick, sit down! I'll go boil some water. Question: Where do you keep your salad tongs?"
"What the hell... Dwight, listen to me. I need you to take me to the hospital. Do you understand?" He nodded. She turned to Jim. "Jim, get up. Now!"
He pulled himself to his knees, still laughing. "Hey Pam, you'll never guess what happened..."
"Oh, I think I probably could," she replied. "Did you hear what I just told Dwight? I am in labor. Like, right now."
"What? No, you can't be. Wait, is this a dream? I'm having one of those funky dreams, right, and soon Dwight's going to turn into a walrus or something and then I'm going to..."
He was stopped in mid-sentence by Dwight, who had slapped him across the face - a little too eagerly. "My God, man. Are you deaf? Your wife is in labor. Get a hold of yourself."
Jim looked stunned, and then somehow got to his feet. "Really?"
"Really," Pam repeated. Then she said to Dwight, "Where is Michael? He said he was with you when I called."
"Oh," Dwight replied, casting his eyes downward. "See, Michael is in the car. I was going to drop him off after Jim. He's just as bad." He paused. "Andy too."
"What? What about Kevin? Wasn't he with you?" She was exasperated now.
"Oh, he was fine."
"So why couldn't he have driven any of these drunks home then?"
"Because I was the designated driver, so it was my duty to..."
"Nevermind," she snapped. "Just... get Jim back in your car. My bag is right there next to the couch, if you wouldn't mind."
"You do realize that my car isn't exactly, um, spacious?" he said, looking over her expanded girth. She was about to reply when she felt a contraction come on, sharper and more forceful than the previous ones. She swore out loud as she clutched her belly.
"Wait, are you okay?" Jim asked. "Because you seem a little tense."
She grabbed his shirt and growled into his ear, "I am going to kill you."
-
A few minutes later Jim was shoved into the back of Dwight's car with Andy and Michael, which was a very tight squeeze, but all three were too drunk to notice. Andy, in fact, had passed out entirely, but Michael was still very much alert.
"What's going on?" he asked enthusiastically, like a child.
"Pam's in labor. We're taking her to the hospital," Dwight answered, as Pam had another contraction and yelled out.
"Uh-oh," Michael said, and then looked at Jim. "Jim's pretty wasted."
"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Jim screamed at him.
At that, Andy opened his eyes, shouted, "Can you all just shut the hell up?" and then seemed to go back to sleep.
Pam silently wondered when she had been transplanted into an episode of The Three Stooges. This couldn't be happening. She had never even seen Jim get drunk before. Why now? And since when did Dwight become the only person she could depend on to get her to the hospital? It seemed like she was in some kind of bizarro world.
"So," Dwight said after several moments of quiet, "I'll just drop Michael off and Andy can get out there too..."
"What?" she gasped. "You can't be serious. Michael lives in the opposite direction from the hospital!"
"What do you want to do, bring him with us?" he snorted.
She turned and looked in the back seat. Michael was humming softly to himself in the middle, Andy was leaned back in his seat, snoring, and Jim had his face against the window with his eyes closed.
"Gah! Just get me to the hospital, and I don't care what you do with them after that." She turned her attention back to Jim. "Jim!" He startled awake and mumbled something. "Jim, focus here," she said. "We are having a baby. You have to sober up or you will miss it. Do you understand?"
He nodded blankly, looking into her eyes. "Pam?"
"What?"
"I think I'm gonna puke."
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
