Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or the office, no copyright infringement intended.

Tales from the Bathroom Floor

“Jim? Jim? Are you okay?” Pam frantically tried to untangle herself from her husband who was now lying in an uncomfortable heap on their bathroom floor. “Jim, seriously talk to me….” She was starting to worry and desperately needed him to open his eyes and say something, anything.

“I think you broke me.” He opened one eye and peaked up at her, trying to contain a strained smirk.

Wrapping a towel around herself, she started giggling and shut off the shower. “Well, you did say you wanted to spice up our sex life. Besides in the movies, they always have sex in the shower. ‘Course, normally the shower door doesn’t give way.” She touched her forehead noticing that there was rather a tender lump there. Jim started to roll over when he stopped abruptly and froze in position.

“Um, Pam.”

Pam turned immediately to him hearing an unfamiliar tightness his voice, “What?”

“My back is, um really tight, kind of …wow, I don’t think I can get up by myself.” He grunted out the words practically between clinched teeth.

“Ok….” Pam started to panic and she came around to his side and kneeled down. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I …can’t get up. I think I wrenched my back.” Each word was gruff and tinged with pain.

“Um, ok,” Pam started to go through her options in her mind. Who should she call? Her husband threw his back out having sex with her in the shower. What’s the protocol for dealing with that exactly?

“I think you should call 911.”

“It can’t be that bad. Maybe if you just lie here a minute…” She was rambling and she knew it, grasping for straws, for any solution that did not involve total humiliation.

“Get the phone.”

“Jim, we can’t, what will they say when they find you here?”

“I don’t really care right now!” Jim tried to keep from shouting at her; he knew she was embarrassed, but the pain was overwhelming. He took a shallow breath, “Pam please, this hurts like hell. And its either 911 or you call Dwight and Kevin to heave me off this floor.”

Pam could tell from the almost frightened look in his eyes that she needed to get him help as fast as she could; humiliation would have to take a back seat to making sure he was okay. “I’m sorry, you’re right. Of course I’ll call. Be right back.”

She ran through the bedroom quickly collecting underwear, shorts and a t-shirt. As she tore through their living room looking for the cordless phone, she thanked God it was Saturday so she wouldn’t have to call into work to tell them why she and Jim would be late. She cringed thinking about the jokes that Michael would make if he knew. The newlywed jokes were bad enough every time they happened to be late or took a long lunch. Thankfully, now that they had been married almost two years, he had started to ignore them because they were, as he said, old and married.

Finding the phone, she reassured herself that this would all be alright, “C’mon Pam, this can’t be the worst thing they’ve seen, they’re paramedics.” She slowly dialed the number.

“911, What’s your emergency?”

“Um, well I don’t know if it is really an emergency,” she drew out each syllable, “but my husband has thrown out his back and can’t move apparently.”

“I see, he’s in pain?”

“Yes, I think it’s bad.”

“Is he conscious? Is he bleeding?”

“No, but I don’t think I can get him into a car.”

“I understand ma’am. I’m sending an ambulance, is your address 119 Walnut Street?”

“Yes.” Pam wondered for a moment how the operator knew that? Was she psychic? Did she already know how Jim threw his back out? She shook her head, smirking slightly, as she remembered that the address comes up when you call.

“Alright, sit tight, they’ll be there shortly.”

“Ok, um, what should I do while we wait?”

“Keep him warm ma’am.”

“Oh, of course. Thank you.”

Pam slammed down the phone, and ran back to the bathroom, realizing she had left Jim laying there wet and naked. “I am so sorry, I forgot you were, um, naked in here.” She took a big towel and put it over him, tucking the ends under him. She took another towel and tucked it under his head. Kneeling down next to him, she smoothed the hair back out of his eyes, “How are you doing?”

“Well, I’ve been better.” He tried to smile to ease her concern and he turned his head into her hand, kissing her palm. He looked up at her and, blinking several times, finally realized that he wasn’t the only casualty. “Hey, your forehead? Did you hit your head on the way down?”

“That’s what she said.” Pam smiled at him, still running her fingers through his hair. It was familiar and made this whole situation less surreal.

“Pam, seriously…” He reached up to touch the red mark on her head and he noticed her flinch, “You’re hurt too.”

“I just hit my head on the frame as we crashed through, its no big deal.”

“It is a big deal, go get some ice for it.” He desperately wished that he could move right now so that he could take care of her.

“I’m fine. Really, I am fine.” She loved that he was worried for her, but she just wanted to get this day over with at this point. She also had no idea how she was going to explain to the paramedics this situation in their bathroom.

“Wow, I really wish I had pants on.”

“Yeah, um, I could try to..uh…put them on, if you want.” Jim was astonished how shy Pam had suddenly become when they were just having sex not fifteen minutes ago.

“I don’t know if that’s gonna work, but, yeah, let’s try anyway.”

“’Kay.” Pam got up and quickly went to retrieve the necessary boxers and gym shorts. As she kneeled down at his feet, she put the boxers inside the shorts thinking that if she were actually able to do this, she surely wouldn’t be able to do it twice. “I think this might hurt. Are you sure?”

“I’m pretty sure that I don’t want to be wheeled through the ER naked, just do it.”

Pam was not sure how to do this, but she was certain this really going to cause him a lot of pain. Her dad had thrown his back out once and she remembered how every little movement was painful for him. She took a deep breath and decided that whatever she did, she should do it confidently and quickly even if that wasn’t how she felt. After all, ripping off the band-aid all at once was always better than pulling at the edges. She scooped up his feet in her arms and lifted about 6 inches off the ground. She could feel Jim’s body tense up as he let out the most horrible sounds, “I’m so sorry, should I stop?”

“No,” he grunted, “ugh, keep going.”

“Two more seconds.” Pam was surprised by the even sound of her voice. But she knew she could do this, and that Jim would be happier not being quite as exposed. “Just breathe deep.”

“What?”

“I don’t know, they say that helps. So just try it.”

“O-kay.” She heard him try to keep a deep breath while she eased the shorts up to his knees and gently put his feet down.

“So ….that was terrible.” She leaned against the wall, “And I’m not sure how to get them past your knees, you’re really kind of heavy all frozen up like this.”

Jim tried to calm himself, but that had hurt worse than the expected. He started to wonder how embarrassing it could possibly be to just go naked. “I’m starting to get flashes of what this might be like when we’re old and gray.”

Pam couldn’t help but reply sarcastically, “Yeah,…this is fun.”

Jim decided that lightening the moment would be a good thing. “Hey Pam?”

“Huh?”

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

“Oh shut up.” Pam giggled and swatted his arm playfully, grateful for the release.

His heart lifted seeing her laugh at his little joke, he loved how her smile could warm him regardless of the situation he was is, “What I’m naked, wet, and in pain, clearly I’m allowed a few jokes.”

“So true. Ok, they’re gonna be here soon, what do you want to do?”

“Well, I guess we could say I fell off the toilet.” They both erupted again in almost giddy laughter.

“That’s so much better, Jim.”

“Well I think this shower door sort of blows our cover.”

“Yup.” Pam smiled shyly at her husband, realizing that even after all the years, their relationship still had its most essential quality. They were best friends; and today, more than ever, she realized what an asset that was. They could deal with this. Was this any different than trying to put all Dwight’s personal belongings in a vending machine? She took a resigned breath and leveled her stare on him, “Ready? I think one more try and we have it.”

“And then I have pants, sounds like a plan.”

Pam got up and stood over him, bending at the waist to start shimmying the shorts up. She tried very hard not to disturb him too much, but stopped momentarily when she heard Jim start to laugh, or cry, she wasn’t sure.

“What? Are you okay?”

“Oh I’m fine, you’re giving me an incredible view right now.”

Pam looked down at her chest realizing her v-neck tank was allowing Jim quite the sight, “What, urg, Jim! Quit staring down my shirt.”

“Please I’m a dying man!”

“Shut it.” She had managed to get the shorts almost the entire way without disturbing him too much. She made a final push to finish the job. “I don’t know that I’ve ever tried this hard to get your pants on. Not that I really have to try too hard to get your pants off.” She crooked an eyebrow at him and they both started to laugh again, unable to suppress their amusement at their current situation.

“Glad you’re starting to see the humor here, I mean really this is classic. Humiliating and painful, but classic.”

Pam nodded happily thinking that this would be a story they could laugh about for years to come. They were startled by a hard pounding on the front door. “You better just pray that this is the paramedics and not Dwight because he was listening to his police scanner.”

“Perish the thought Beesly.” Pam went out to get the door. She loved that Jim still called her Beesly even though she had been Pam Halpert for years. It reminded of her of their early years; how he always treated her so affectionately, even when she was blind to it. After they got together, it was a pet name. Now, it was truly a term of affection, and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

She opened the door to a man and woman with a stretcher; Pam fumbled for a moment realizing she had no idea how to greet paramedics, “Uh, Hi, he’s …this way.”

She motioned for them to follow her into the bathroom, bracing herself for the humiliation that was sure to follow. Because the bathroom wasn’t very big she stayed in the doorway so that they would have the room to get to Jim.

“Hello sir, I’m Alice and this is Jake, how are you doing?” Alice had a stern and commanding voice and demeanor. She surely ruled every room she walked into.

“Well, my back sort of tensed up here and, honestly, it hurts to even think about moving.”

“Ummmm, huh.” Alice was fingering the back of his neck, checking that nothing seemed broken or out of alignment. “Did you fall sir?”

Jim glanced at Pam and said, “Yeah, uh, I slipped coming out of the shower.” Jim braced himself for more questions and felt relieved as he watched Alice nod absentmindedly as she took his vitals. She asked him a few more questions to assess his condition and then nodded to Jake to get the stretcher ready.

“Alright Jim, looks like nothing too serious; probably just a really bad muscle spasm. We’re going to put you on this stretcher and then the ER will give you lovely drugs to make this little mishap just a memory.”

Pam watched as the man rolled Jim to his side just enough to slide a back board under him and the two made quick work of getting him unto the stretcher.

“Ma’am, I assume you’d like to ride along?”

“Yes I would, is that ok?”

“Absolutely.”

Pam squeezed Jim’s hand and quickly brushed her lips across his knuckles, “I’ll be right down, just let me grab keys and a t-shirt for you.

“Thanks.” Jim’s voice had lost its ragged edge; he was relieved now that he knew that help was close and he wasn’t going to die on the floor of his bathroom. As they wheeled him out of the apartment, his mind wandered a little thinking of what his obituary would say if he had died in that bathroom. ‘Man withers away after bizarre accident involving shower sex?’ Michael would probably deliver some eulogy saying, “At least Jim went out with a bang, doing what he loved…or who he loved…” Kevin would probably be nodding in a pew saying, “Niiice.” Creed would be wondering who they were burying.

Once again, Pam scurried through their apartment collecting what seemed like necessities and putting them in an old gym bag. She felt fuzzy, like she couldn’t quite think of what she should be putting in the bag. The adrenaline from earlier had worn off and left her tired. She grabbed a shirt, socks and sneakers for Jim and a sweatshirt and sneakers for herself. She reached for her keys and cell phone off the kitchen counter and fled out the door. Halfway down the stairs to the parking lot she realized that she had not locked the door. Shaking her head in frustration she ran back up to lock up the apartment and then quickly headed back down to the parking lot and the waiting ambulance.

As she climbed in, she was struck by the fact that she had never been in an ambulance before; it seemed so small and severe. Her heart fluttered at the sight of Jim; she wanted to hold him, to comfort him, to somehow get back to the morning they had spent together before all this had happened. Ever since they had crashed through that stupid shower door, she hadn’t been able to think clearly; she just went from moment to moment figuring out what to do next, like she was checking off a list. She never stopped to consider that Jim might really be hurt, that it could be serious. But now, looking at him lying under the sterile looking blankets, she was so incredibly thankful that his injury appeared to be just a bad sprain.

Jim looked up at Pam and gave her a small but genuine smile as if to reassure her that under the blanket and tubes, he was still the same Jim, “Get lost on the way down Beesly?”

She sat down next to Jim and took his hand, “I forgot to lock the door.”

“Ah, good thinking.” He grasped her now shaking hands, trying to calm her. “Seriously Alice, I’m thinking my wife needs some of those lovely drugs you were talking about.”

“Oh yeah, that’s exactly what I need.” Pam laughed uneasily and pushed an errant hair behind her ear. “How are you doing? Does it still hurt like hell?”

“Yeah, kinda, but more stiff than anything. I think if I just don’t move ever again I’ll be fine. How’s your head?”

“It’s fine, it’ll be fine.”

“Alice, will you look at her forehead while we’re here?”

Alice looked at Pam’s head and then looked at Jim. She tried to suppress a smile as she began to examine Pam, “How did you say you got hurt again?”