What was he thinking? He had only been back in Scranton for one day and he already regretted it.
Jim had worried about his first day back ever since he was asked to transfer and be Assistant Regional Manager for the Scranton branch. He didn’t know what to do. For awhile he thought it would be better if he just got a new job, started a new life somewhere else.
But then images of her flooded his mind. Sure, she was married now, and he knew it would be difficult to be around her, knowing he would never have her. But he also knew the past three months living without her had been the most agonizing time of his life. He decided it would be better to have her as a friend than as nothing at all.
Jim had made up his mind; he would take the job at his old office. Things will be different this time, he told himself. I have a girlfriend, and she’s married. It won’t be like before.
He thought he would be able to face Pam. He thought his feelings for her would fade away with the knowledge that she was a married woman. He thought they would be best friends again, but this time without the weird tension his love for her had created. Maybe he even thought his relationship with Karen would be enough to block her out altogether.
He thought wrong.
The moment he walked through the doors and saw her sitting at the familiar reception desk, he knew he had made a mistake. It was like nothing had changed. He was still madly in love with her. But things were different now. He was no longer a man in love with an engaged woman. He was a man with a girlfriend, in love with a married woman.
Jim went to dinner with Karen that night as they planned, but he told her he wasn’t feeling well, and shortly after they finished eating, he was on his way home to his new apartment. He found it impossible to fall asleep, though. How could he, when he was obsessing over everything that Pam had done that day?
He thought he was going to explode when she hugged him. All the pain and love that he had spent months suppressing came rushing to the surface, and it physically hurt him to breathe. He was so incredibly happy to see her. Until he saw the wedding ring. He knew she was married, but somehow seeing the ring, the evidence - it was all too much. He tried to steady his voice as he congratulated her, and luckily Michael came to greet him before anything else was said.
And then there was the meeting. He had walked in the conference room, and as much as he wanted to sit next to Pam, who he knew would be saving a seat for him, he sat with Karen instead. He needed to be closer to Karen emotionally, so why not start by being close to her physically?
He forced himself to laugh and joke with her, and he was all too aware that he was replacing Pam with Karen. Part of him even hoped that Pam would see them together, would maybe even be a little jealous. But he knew she wouldn’t. She loved Roy, not him.
But the most haunting part of the day was what happened in the parking lot. He looked into her eyes, admitted that he missed her, and, for one fleeting second, he was hit with the powerful urge to kiss her. He snapped out of it and asked her about the wedding instead.
Then Roy showed up. The familiar pang of jealousy, disgust, and sadness overwhelmed him as he saw them together. After he left, Pam asked him out for coffee. Another day, in another lifetime, this offer would have elated him, filled him with hope. Now, it was just depressing. He almost felt glad he had a date with Karen.
Karen. He had almost forgotten that he told Pam they were dating. What was her response? He racked his brain, trying to remember every detail of that moment. She seemed shocked, that’s for sure. Was she upset? He felt so uncomfortable having witnessed the married version of Pam and Roy that he wasn’t even paying attention to her reaction. Oh well, maybe it was for the best. He didn’t need to fill his mind with false hope again.
It was 4:00 in the morning when he finally stopped analyzing the day’s events. He still wasn’t tired. There was no use trying to sleep; he would have to wake up in a few hours anyway.
As he laid in his bed, he once again found his thoughts drifting to Pam. His Pam. No, Roy’s Pam. He had Karen. Roy had Pam. And that’s how it had to be.
Things will be different this time, he told himself. He needed her in his life, that he knew. But he wouldn’t get as close to her. He wouldn’t let her tempt him this time.
