Jim is strangely excited about the prospect of mediating the Michael/Ryan conflict. He decided that he needed to strategize with Pam beforehand to best figure out to approach this duty. As he grabbed a jellybean and leaned in closer to plot with his favorite accomplice, Jim felt almost giddy. He missed this.
"So, I'm stuck on how to best approach this. I'm tempted to just use a monotone voice and use the guide, just to irk Ryan. I could also try and do something crazy like work out a compromise, which would make Michael go nuts and try and mediate his own conflict," Jim said in a conspiring tone.
"Jim, don't you want to be a winner too? In the win-win world of compromise, the only loser is the mediator."
"You know I can be very unselfish when I want to be," Jim replied with a bit of a leer. Pam just blushed a little bit, clearly thinking back to the previous night at her apartment. Jim grinned back at her, and they just goofily stared at each other for a second.
Pam shook her head, remembering where she was. "So, what are you leaning towards?"
"I don't know. I am also unclear why Michael thinks this calls for mediation, when what he needs is a therapist. Though Jan may need it more."
"Ugh, you don't even know the half of it," Pam shuddered, recalling far too many intimate details of Michael and Jan's lives.
"Nor do I want to. We really don't need to share everything."
"Agreed. I have a feeling that we don't want to compare notes, as that would just double our knowledge." At that moment, the elevator doors opened and Ryan stepped out.
"Hey, man," Jim said in a friendly tone, but with a gleam in his eye. Ryan just looked a bit wary.
"Where's Michael?"
"Hey Ryan. Michael's in his office, writing down notes for lunch using "I" statements. He's taking this mediation very seriously," Pam informed him.
Ryan sighed. "Can we just get going?"
"I'll go get him," Pam said, leaving the two men to chat amongst themselves.
Ryan and Jim looked awkwardly at one another for a moment, without much to say.
"So, Kelly declared that her mourning period for you ended today. There was a very intricate analysis involved, but I'm afraid I didn't quite catch it all. It definitely involved a combination of duration, expectations, and hotness. Apparently you rated pretty high to get a week of mourning," Jim told him dryly.
There was another awkward pause.
"So, uh, you and Pam, huh?" Ryan asked.
Jim couldn't help but grin a bit. "We're trying it out. So far, so good."
"I can't believe you passed up a chance to leave this place for a girl," Ryan shook his head, then winced a bit.
Jim wasn't sure why Ryan cared-after all, it worked out to his benefit. He really wanted to not care what Ryan or anyone else thought, because after all he was following his heart. But his heart had not been guiding him too well for the past year, and sometimes he was worried that it led him to be a bit too impulsive. How many times could he almost leave this place and end up back here before the opportunites stopped coming? Would he be Stanley one day, with pretzel day a highlight and his only dream a healthy severance?
The sad thing was, beyond Pam, he had no real dreams. He didn't even like pretzels all that much.
Jim was snapped out of his revelry by Pam's emergence from Michael's office. She had clearly been doing some major Michael-sitting.
"He promised he will come out soon. He spent this whole time trying to talk me into coming and documenting this session, but I told him my PMS was preventing me," Pam said.
"Why would that prevent you from coming? This sort of occasion definitely needs thorough documentation, after all," Jim said, grinning at her.
"I told him the emotions might overtake me, and I might not be able to be objective. He said he understood that I just cared too much to risk that. I had to pull out the big guns when I reminded him of my lifetime Chili's ban and he offered to help disguise me."
"Nice. Why do I never have the good excuses?"
"I thought you'd be better at this by now, Halpert," Ryan chimed in.
"Hey, don't get on my bad side. I can make win-win into win-lose in a heartbeat."
"You definitely have all the power," Ryan said, then there was silence. The fact that Ryan now actually had the power was suddenly remembered by all.
Finally, Michael emerged from his office. "There is only one thing that is non-negotiable: we are getting an awesome blossom."
"And the mediator says....Yes. But I think you lose some points for starting with such a strong stance," Jim said.
"There are no points in mediation! Did you ask Dwight for advice or something?"
"Did you read the whole book, Michael? There are indeed points. And you have negative four. But I'll go ahead and bump you to negative three because I probably would have insisted on an Awesome Blossom myself."
"How do we know who wins?" Ryan asked detachedly.
"When you guys are even, of course. That's when it's win-win."
"Win," Pam chimed in.
"Thank you, I keep forgetting about my personal victory," Jim called over his shoulder on the way to the elevator.
Jim drove, as Michael insisted that a neutral car was important to this being a serious mediation. Jim refused to give him a point.
After they sat down and ordered their Awesome Blossom, Jim decided to get started.
"Okay, using "I" statements to demonstrate your personal feelings, please outline your current position on this new dynamic. The person who says "I" the most within his alotted three sentences gets two points," Jim said in a monotone, as though reciting the manual.
"Jim, I really don't remember this points system. Are you sure you read the right manual?" Michael asked.
"Yes, it's in Appendix B, Part 2C: Explanations as to how to get to desired outcomes."
Michael still looked skeptical. Ryan just stared.
"Ryan, since you're in the lead, you go first!"
Ryan sighed. "I feel that you need to get over my promotion, and just let me do my job. If you do, then I don't need to come out as often as Jan did. I feel that would be a good thing for us all," Ryan said.
"Wow, Ryan, you suck at this worse than sales calls!" Michael exclaimed.
"Can you top that Michael, for two points?"
"I feel betrayed that my protege would do this to me while I am feeling vulnerable with Jan. I feel that we are a family, and I feel that families should stay together forever. I feel that you are showing no appreciation for all I have done for you in the business world, and I feel you are not grateful for my role in getting your promotion," Michael spit out, looking sad.
"And, two points to Michael," Jim said enthusiastically. Michael perked up. Ryan shrugged.
"And, match point right here. If Michael wins this next point, then it's win-win-win and we can all go home satisfied and smiling," Jim said, with a bit of a smirk toward the camera.
"That's what she said!" Michael cried out.
"And we have a winner! The point was based on catching the that's what she said moment," Jim said. "Here are your certificates." Jim rummaged through his messenger bag and produced two certificates.
Michael looked at his and read outloud, "Congratulations! You are a winner! Your conflict was successfully resolved. Signed, Jim Halpert, Assistant Regional Manager and Mediator."
"Okay, now stand up in front of the table, wrap your arms around each other's shoulders and display your certificates. I want to take a picture," Jim said.
"I'll have it framed for you by your next visit, Ryan," Michael said happily.
Ryan reluctantly stood up, and did as told. But he did not smile.
"That non-smiling thing is really sultry, Ryan. Sorry, should I not say such suggestive things to the big boss?" Jim asked.
"Never stopped me!" Michael bellowed.
"Can we go now? I need to drive back."
"I think so. My work here is done," Jim said.
On the way out, Michael stopped by the restroom, leaving Ryan and Jim alone.
"So, do you feel better about things now?" Jim asked.
"I always felt fine."
"No fear of how long Michael would give you the silent treatment?"
"Not sure which alternative is better."
Jim couldn't help but smile. "Touche."
"So, was that whole mediation a prank on me or on Michael, or both?"
"A little of both."
"I knew you wouldn't take this seriously."
"Do tell, how does one take such a mediation seriously, boss?"
Ryan shook his head and shrugged, and then a small smile crept in. "Okay, I will admit your methods were effective and efficient."
"That's why I get the desk with the spectacular view," Jim said, smiling.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Ryan is back in Scranton sooner than he ever expected, and Michael's still in a snit. And Jim gets to mediate. It's win-win-win time.
Chapter End Notes:
I own nothing-no character, no stories, and intend no copyright infringement.
