“No Dwight.”

Dwight took a step closer to him, and through clenched teeth hissed, “Jim!”

Jim stood next to Dwight near the water cooler. His back was slouched up against the wall, with one foot bracing himself against it, and his hands buried in his pockets. Dwight stood ramrod straight, with arms crossed, as he surveyed the office with the intensity of a hawk.

Jim followed his lead, albeit less intensely, and took in Sales, Accounting, Quality Assurance, and Reception. The first thing that he realized was that he wasn’t the only one who was taking it easy on a Friday before a long weekend.

Kevin was hitting a paper football into the glass partition at Angela, who looked at him with a ferocity that would have made Medusa look away. Kevin seemed unfazed.

Creed was….asleep? Jim couldn’t be sure exactly, he didn’t seem to be moving. He also had little bits of green something all over his shirt and in the saliva that was attempting a slow escape from his open mouth to his chin.

Meredith’s desk was empty. Jim remembered that Pam had gone into Michael’s office that morning and told him that she had called in sick earlier. Despite the suspiciousness in the timing of her illness, Michael had seemed perfectly all right with it.

Andy was doing his best Night at the Roxbury impression and tapping his pencil on the desk to the strange rhythms in his head. Jim guessed it was probably the Indigo Girls. Either way, his head and pencil were completely out of sync.

Ryan was actually talking on the phone, probably trying to make his first sale. Jim suddenly heard Kelly’s raised voice from the Annex. Its pitch caused his right eyelid to involuntarily spasm a little. He noticed that Ryan held the phone away from his ear at the same time.

Pam was…looking at him? Well, she had been for a second he thought. It was probably just his imagination, but he could have sworn he saw her forehead wrinkle in thought and her eyes in his direction. Either way, she was staring at her computer screen now.

The only thing more exhausting then Pam’s indifference towards him was that he knew she wasn’t truly indifferent towards him. He caught her in his peripheries several times a day, staring at him over the Reception desk, or at lunch, or in the conference room. Still, when he turned to face her, her wide eyes darted away. He was at a loss to explain it really. It was no different then it had been before, when they were friends. Of course, he had read something different into those looks then. It was a mistake that he absolutely would never make again. He would not put himself out like that. Make himself venerable for someone, only to have them crush you completely. Trusting someone else with those kinds of emotions, whether they asked for them or not…what did it do but give them power over you? To make you feel unbelievably drained of life constantly? It wasn’t even---Jim stopped himself. He felt a pair of eyes on him.

Karen was staring at him, smiling widely. Jim met her gaze and smiled back, immediately feeling guilty and tired all over again. Her look of happiness turned to confusion when she cocked an eyebrow at the odd pairing that was standing near the door. Jim didn’t really know what to say. He knew she wouldn’t be thrilled that he was spending time playing RISK with Dwight. He just shrugged and kept smiling at her. His thoughts were, as always, interrupted by Dwight.

“I’m telling you Jim, we should ask Stanley to participate in the campaign. Michael always talks about how important diversity is in the workplace. It will be like affirmative action…. but with RISK. Dunder-Mifflin is an equal opportunity employer.” Dwight’s gaze was now locked onto Jim’s.

Dwight’s insanity rebounded Jim’s energy. “Yeah…Dwight. First, that’s not really how affirmative action works. Second, Stanley doesn’t play games at work….other then crosswords…” he paused for a second in an attempt to make his next words clearer to Dwight, “…really no games that involve people other then, you know, himself.”

Dwight sighed and bent his head down to his chest in disappointment, only to whip it back quickly. “Well, we should ask Michael first anyway. As leader of the Branch, he is uniquely suited to the nuance and bravery inherent in a intense RISK match.”

Jim sighed lightly to himself. He really didn’t want to play RISK with Michael. It was just…he wanted to be out by 5, and with Michael playing he knew the rules would be changed and the game probably lengthened to sometime Saturday. Jim swished his tongue from the right side of his mouth to his left, an old habit he had before he made a sales pitch. “Dwight, you’re going to beat Michael in RISK? I mean if you’re the Grandchampion, then what chance does he have? Or are you going to forfeit, I mean surrender, I mean give up.” Jim punctuated the end of his pitch with added emphasis. He immediately saw that it had had the desired effect.

Dwight was lost in thought for a second or two before he began to speak cautiously, “yes Jim, you’re correct. Michael is much too busy to bother with such a triviality. I won’t be responsible for this branch losing a sale because our greatest salesman was preoccupied.”

Jim wondered how exactly that conclusion was agreeing with him in any way, but he decided as long as they agreed it didn’t matter. He blew out a breath and thought about who would want to play. He already knew one person who definitely would.

Jim walked slowly towards Accounting, as an alarmed Dwight trailed behind him. Tapping the salesman on the shoulder, Jim’s tongue swished one more time as he began to speak.

“Hey Andy, I was---”

“Grande Tuna! What’s the 411?” Andy excitedly interrupted him.

“Uh…yeah…I was wondering if you wanted to play RISK with Dwight and I in the break room?” Jim jerked his thumb in its general direction. He knew Andy couldn’t resist the offer. Between the opportunity to repeatedly call him Big Tuna and harass Dwight, Jim’s only worry was that he might hyperventilate and not make it to the break room.

“Wow Big Tuna, you honor and humble me with your generous offer. I cordially accept.”

“K….well we’re just going to get a fourth and then we’ll be good, so…”

“I’ll play.” Kevin had stopped flicking the paper football at the partition to listen to Jim and Andy’s conversation. “I know how, I’ve played with Abby cause….she made me.” He dragged out the last few words into a three-second monotone growl.

Dwight stepped up to Accounting and cast an aggravated glance at Jim. “Jim, I really don’t think that Kevin and Andy are….I mean, they don’t have the appropriate…..stuff to play.”

“Oh” Jim replied. “You mean you can’t beat them? I mean if you’re worried we can ask a woman, Angela!--- ”

“No! That’s…that’s fine Jim. This competition will an adequate audience for your humiliation at my hands.” Dwight turned on his heel and walked purposefully back to the break room.

“Alright buddy, sounds good” Jim called out to him as the break room door shut.

---

Jim took the seat to the left of Dwight, as Andy sat next to him on his left, and Kevin straight across at the table. It was now noon, and everyone was filing into the break room with their lunches clutched in their hands. The exceptions were Karen, Pam, and Michael. Jim had seen Pam leave a couple minutes before noon with her coat on and her sketchpad tucked under her arm. Seeing her leave, obviously prepared to go draw somewhere, was bittersweet. On the other hand, he didn’t really want to imagine what Michael was doing in his office alone during the break.

The game board hadn’t attracted much attention from anyone. Most simply looked at it, and then looked away to their lunches. Strangely enough though, the camera crew, well…one camera really, was squeezed into the break room with them. Jim thought it was a little odd. The camera crew didn’t usually film them during lunch. Most of the time, they piled into the van and went out to lunch on the production company’s dime. Curiosity got the better of him, and he asked,

“You guys are going to film four people….” he paused for dramatic effect, “...playing a board game?”

Steve, shifted the camera on his shoulder slightly, and answered.

“We took lunch already….’cause we’re going to leave early today. I think you were in the break room already. So yeah, we need some footage.”

Jim nodded back. Dwight, who now had the rulebook out and was reading the first page out loud, cut off any chance at further conversation.

“This is a map of the World!” he declared dramatically.

“Dwight, what are you doing?”

He glanced at Jim menacingly and then parroted back, “uhhhhhh…is that a rhetorical question Jim?”

Jim sighed, and then reloaded on patience. “No Dwight, I mean the three of us know the rules, and you’re a Grand Dungeon Master, shouldn’t you already know them too?”

Exasperated, Dwight stared back at Jim. “Jim I’m a Grandchampion, not a Dungeon Master. Also, I want to make sure we’re on the same page literally. In the wild, monkeys are afraid to eat red berries until they see another monkey do it. Then everyone can enjoy the delicious berries.” His face now reflected a self-satisfaction that Jim had to destroy.

“Ok….well that really has nothing to do with anything…at all. Also, you got that red berry thing from an episode of House.” Jim threw Dwight’s look of satisfaction back at him.

“Dammit.” Dwight realized he had been caught, and struggled to maintain some intellectual superiority. “….It is true that I originally discovered the red berry phenomenon on House. However, that is an impeccably researched medical drama.”

By this time, Kevin and Andy looked thoroughly confused. Andy attempted to hide it by nodding occasionally at what he thought were appropriate moments. Kevin did not.

“Anyway Jim, its now time to start the war to end all wars!---” Dwight was interrupted by Jim, who couldn’t help himself, again.

“That was World War One Dwight.”

Jim noticed that a vein in the middle of Dwight’s forehead had began to pulse rapidly, as he turned and said to him,

“Jim! Would you just….” Dwight exhaled sharply in anger.

“Go, go” Jim responded and waved his hand at him. Despite his quick-witted torture of Dwight, he was actually looking forward to playing.

“Thank you” Dwight answered breathlessly. “Now…the first thing we must do is each roll a die. Whoever rolls the highest number gets to place a soldier on a territory first. The placement of the soldiers will then proceed clockwise, one in every territory, until every territory is filled.”

Everybody nodded in agreement as they reached for a die. Andy rolled a 2, Kevin rolled a 5, Jim rolled a 2, and Dwight rolled a 6.

“Yes!” Dwight unleashed a celebratory air punch that threatened to unseat him. He then looked sternly around the table, “this is only the beginning of your winter of discontent--”

“I’m pretty sure that was Shakespeare Dwight.” Jim said reflexively and then smiled. He wasn’t sure how many high school English quotations, historical factoids, or random television trivia he could remember to annoy Dwight, but he was prepared to dig deep.

“Shut it Jim!” Dwight paused for a second to collect himself and continued, “….and I am going to place my first soldier” he picked up a piece and hovered his hand over the board. “In the Eastern United States…” He looked up determinedly at the camera, which was already focused on him, “that way I can protect Dunder-Mifflin and the American way of life.”

Jim then reached for a soldier, as he sat to the left of Dwight and it was his turn. He frowned the right side of his mouth in concentration as he surveyed the board. He smirked to himself and placed it on the Congo. He stared up wide-eyed at the camera, putting on the most innocent and serious face he could manage. “The Congo….because I care about people other then myself….and third-world debt and poverty...like Bono.” He heard Dwight swear under his breath next to him.

Wild-eyed, Andy grabbed for a soldier and hummed “The Ballad of the Green Berets” as he made his decision. He placed it on Central America.

“Central America” he announced. “Because one time I went there for Spring Break and it was off the hook…totally unplugged…err…off the hizzy?….anyway, it was while I was at Cornell.”

Kevin was already giggling to himself as he grabbed for his first soldier. He placed it on Brazil.

“Brazil” another giggle abruptly interrupted his explanation. He turned to look at the camera, “because Gisele Bundchen is hot.” Kevin somehow made “hot” reach three different octaves.

Jim saw Angela, who was sitting at an adjacent table, and evidently eavesdropping on the game, frown severely and shake her head.

The turns went around the table until all of the territories had been filled. Dwight had concentrated his forces in North America for its protection, and in South America, because it had America in the name.

Jim had concentrated his forces in Africa and…as much as it galled him, Australia. He further proclaimed his love of peace and inclusiveness with his African choices, and his love of Koalas and Didgeridoos for his Australian ones.

Andy had taken up most of Europe. With each claimed territory he had told a story from his semester abroad (from Cornell) there.

Kevin’s territories were scattered throughout the world. He had claimed Scandinavia for its Swedish women, Eastern Europe for Petra Nemcova and Heidi Klum, and Argentina for Yamila Diaz. By the time he was done, his face was bright red and he couldn’t stop giggling to himself. Even Jim had to laugh at his selections.

“Alright” Dwight announced, as he looked sideways in disgust at Kevin. “Now, we each reinforce our claimed territories…” he eagerly reached for a troop and placed it in the Eastern United States. Each player followed suit until all of their allocated troops were gone.

“We now must roll to see whose will play first. We then shall proceed afterwards in the preordained clockwise pattern”

“What?” Kevin, who had calmed down somewhat, confusedly asked.

“Its….Kevin, pay attention!” Dwight was now fully exasperated. “Look, we….just grab a die and roll everyone!”

Everyone grabbed the die that was already in front of them and rolled. Andy rolled a 1, Kevin rolled a 4, Jim rolled a 3, and Dwight rolled a 5.

In a move of extreme self-satisfaction, Dwight licked his lips slowly, much to the disgust of Jim, and stared at the board.

“First move. I attack Indonesia from Siam. Grab your dice Jim” he paused for several seconds and leveled a serious look at him, “It’s go time.”

Jim rolled his eyes.