JIM

Anger and sadness washed through him as he sat alone in a booth at Chili’s. The night started out so well. They talked about how surreal it was to see each other after so long. She even explained to him about why all of a sudden he owed her money. He then proceeded to explain he can’t help that it’s him she thinks about during the turning on or off of lights in general. With a smug grin she pointed out he had salsa on his shirt. Round one to Beesly he agreed. When a certain part of the past came up however, the conversation quickly turned into the worst fight he had ever had with her. He said some things out of anger that he couldn’t take back and she did the same. His bright idea to take a chance on her – on them – morphed into a battle of who could hurt each other the most.

Truthfully, he didn’t remember much about what they actually said. He knew he accused her of being a coward at some point. She responded about how he was worse than a coward; that he was a coward and a tease. That really hurt him, even though deep down he knew Pam was right. God he hated thinking back to that night. Downing the last of his soda, he motioned for the check.

He wasn’t in much of a hurry to leave though. She had bolted out a good fifteen minutes ago, wiping at her face. Her tears caused him a tremendous amount of anguish, but he was too angry to go after her. It probably wouldn’t have mattered anyway. They were about as done as done could be. He left some cash on the table and headed for the door.

The pleasant evening air did little to ease the numbness he felt. Smiling bitterly to himself, he remembered that this was the exact way he felt driving up to Stamford for the first time. He vowed never to feel that way again, yet here he was. He felt the front of his pockets for the car keys when he heard someone noisily blow their nose. Glancing around, he found the source of the rather gross outburst. His numbness thinned a little. She had not left after all.

Keeping his eyes firmly on the ground, he slowly sat down beside her on the bench. She didn’t even acknowledge his presence at first. But she didn’t ask him to leave either. He stretched out his legs and shoved his hands into his pockets, trying to think of something to say that wouldn’t make her yell at him.

After a few minutes, she was the one to speak first. “I remember this bench.”

Jim reflexively took a hand and ran it along a painted slat. “The Dundies right?”

She nodded a little. “Yeah. I was pretty drunk that night. You had Angela drive me home.” The memory of it brought out a small smile. “She frowned at me the whole time.”

He stared off into the distance, trying his hardest not to smile with her. The corners of his mouth betrayed him however. “Sorry. I guess I should have given you a ride then.”

“It’s funny you say that,” she replied. Pam glanced over at him, and he didn’t look away. “That’s what I was going to ask you that night. Sort of.”

Jim’s eyebrows twisted up in confusion. “Sort of?”

She shrugged and studied a car slowly driving by them in the parking lot. “I wanted a ride home with you, just not back to my home.” A whoosh of air escaped her lungs. “Wow that feels like it happened a whole lifetime ago.”

Jim didn’t reply. Her casual admission took all of the anger he had bottled up from their earlier fight and smashed it into a million tiny pieces. What the hell had happened to them? He loved her so much, yet ran away and hid when she didn’t respond the way he wanted her too. He never really appreciated how hard life was for her back then. What she struggled with. She must have felt so alone after he left.

Suddenly he was fiercely proud of her. She was able to face her fears and go on with her life. She was able to stand up for herself when no one else would. The easy way would have been to marry Roy and live the safe life. But she didn’t. She instead took the proverbial road less traveled in which her best friend was in another state and there was no one to rely on except for herself.

Slowly, inch by inch, he eased his hand towards hers. Finally his pinkie rested against its twin on her hand. He lifted his and rested it on hers, feeling the warmth from such a tiny finger. To his relief, she made no move to discard it. “Pam,” he said softly, looking at her until she brought her eyes to his. “I’m sorry. For everything.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry too Jim,” she whispered. They sat there in silence for a while. She finally broke the stillness that enveloped them. “I have an idea. Let’s ask each other one question. It can be anything. The only rule is that there can be no yelling of any kind. Want to play?”

Jim’s mouth finally gave over to a smile. “You first Beesly.”

Pam searched his face a moment. “Believe it or not, I get why you left. I guess I have always wondered why I never heard from you again. It was like our friendship never happened. I know things changed that night. But I always thought that we would be able to talk…that no matter what we had something that was just us, you know?”

Jim had thought about that a lot when he first moved to Stamford. And while he never forgot her, as time moved on it became easier to not pick up the phone or start an email. Coupled with the fact that he effectively erased almost every part of his life that she touched, things became easier to live with. But that wasn’t the whole truth. The root of it all, the reason among all others, was something different. Should he tell her? It has been over a year for God’s sake. Her face shone up at him, eyes pleading. He took a deep breath and decided to go for it.

“Like you know, as I so nicely said back in Chili’s, it killed me that after I put it all on the line you chose to still go on with the wedding. I couldn’t be there Pam. I could sit here and give you any number of reasons why I never talked to you again. But you deserve the truth.” He could tell she had her breath held, as if he was getting ready to punch her. “The thing is Pam that no matter how far away I was, no matter how much time had passed, if I heard your voice one single time I would have to hear it again. I wouldn’t care that you were married. I wouldn’t care if you had kids. I would live to hear about your life. I would always measure any woman I met against you and they would always come up short. I would go home at night to an empty apartment and regret not telling you sooner. Not taking the chance.” Jim scrubbed at his face. He paused, his throat starting to close up. “So that’s why I never called. That’s why I never wrote.” His voice was more husky and fierce towards the end than he meant it to be, but he had finally told her. It only took him eighteen months to summon the courage.

For what may be the longest two minutes in history, they both just looked at each other, not saying a word. “Thanks Jim,” she said, snapping out of her trance. She smiled at him but her eyes were sad. “Your turn.”

His mind burned with curiosity. He wanted to ask her what she thought. But if there is one thing he understood about this night, it was that they both needed time. Or something. His thought processes of the past year and a half were slowly being turned upside-down. “I may need to cheat a little,” he told her. “And it won’t involve the yelling kind. Ok?”

She nodded slowly, unsure of what he was doing. Jim pushed on. “I have two questions actually, but one depends on the other. Alright here is the first.” The question stuck to the roof of his mouth and for a second he thought he was just going to get up and run to his car in a blind panic. Her thumb rubbed against his hand and the panic subsided. “Do you think we will ever be friends again?”

She started to say something but stopped before any words made it out. Shaking her head a little, as if clearing an insect out of her hair, she replied, “I – I don’t know Jim.” His eyes dropped so she quickly added, “I want to be. I’m not saying I don’t. Jim, please look at me.” Jim’s eyes found hers again. “I think we are at some weird place. Like we have all of these intense feelings going on for each other, but not all of them are good you know? I don’t think we can go back to how it was before. But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing? Am I making any sense?”

He felt her thumb brush his hand again and a half-grin flashed across his lips. “Actually you are. Somehow.” At that moment he noticed that his legs were on fire. He had not moved them since he had sat down beside her. Groaning, he stood up and held a hand out to her. “I think we’ve had enough excitement for one night Beesly. It’s getting late.”

She took his hand and he helped her up. “Yeah. I should get going. Work tomorrow and all that you know.”

“So, ah, I still have another question to ask,” he said. She rolled her eyes a bit and smiled, motioning for him to continue. Using up the last ounce of courage left in his body, he asked, “Can you stop by my place Friday night after work? Not using the word ‘date’ so don’t freak out.” He mentally slapped himself for attempting to be funny.

Pam shoved her hands into her pockets and proceeded to study the shoes she had on. “I don’t know where you live.”

“Your email still the same at work?” he asked, his heart thumping just a bit faster than normal.

She nodded. He took that as a positive. But he needed to make sure. “So I’ll email you. Let me know if it doesn’t make sense.”

Pam glanced up at him through her eyelashes with a small grin. “Make sure it makes sense then. And don’t forget my thirty dollars.”

He laughed loudly. For the first time that night in fact. She even managed to laugh a little too as she waved at him. He watched her get into her vehicle and drive away into the night. He wasn’t sure why, but an Elton John song was stuck in his head as he studied dark sky above.